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Old 02-22-2008, 07:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Valentines Day = 72 hour crack binge

I'm a mess.

Valentines Day I left work and went to pick up my boyfriend. We were going to go to dinner and just hang out.

Before I even picked him I had called my dealer, still convinced that I was going out to dinner. I didn't go to dinner.
I smoked all night, this was the beginning of the worst binge I've been on.

I didn't even go to work on the 15th, I didn't even call in, thank god I still have my job.
At 6am on the 15th when I should have been getting ready for work I was sitting in front of my dealers house waiting for him to open the door. I remeber looking at my dirty fingernails from "fixing" my chore and being digusted with myself. BUT I STILL DIDN'T STOP! WHY????
24 hours after that, meeting my dealer again in my dirty clothes from Thursday he looks at me and says "girl what are you doing, what's going on with you?" My response - "do you want the money or not?"

I had become some paranoid during my binge that when I was driving I thought a UFO was following me at one point. I saw cars without headlights following me, kids on school busses taking pictures of me. Crazy things like that that I've never experienced.

I went home on Sunday and slept like I was dead.

I scared myself this time. Bad.
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Old 02-22-2008, 08:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by FindingClarity View Post
BUT I STILL DIDN'T STOP! WHY????
Want to honestly know why?
Go to an NA meeting.
NA helped save my life..
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Old 02-22-2008, 09:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I feel everything in your post.
So many times I have been there looking at my disgusting self thinking how pitiful I am but still wont take my ass home and clean up or shake it off.
Dirty body, clothes, Looking crazy, no sleep, havent eaten, Wont even use the restroom,or get a drink of water, Stinking and still running like a maniac.
I have lost many jobs being too busy getting high to even call in. Too high to make a quick call.
Addiction is evil.
But it is possible to stop.
I only have a little over 2 months clean from a 13 year addiction.
But let me tell you.
I can see it in my face, my skin, my whole appearance is so different in that little time.
I feel better. No more feeling drained. No more feeling useless and hopeless.
Everything Anvil said is right on the money.
You never have to do that again. And it is very hard but it is worth it.
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Old 02-22-2008, 09:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Have any of you ever had paranoia like that? This time it was like I was actually hallucinationg.
A few times I was losing my vision. I would literally not be able to see clearly, I was seeing double and triple.
It was like I was trying to kill myself.

I'm so angry with myself. Not to tell war stories but I spent almost $3k that weekend. I can't even afford to buy my kid a birthday present, it's going to be late.
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Old 02-22-2008, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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hallucinations

yes - i have experienced that before and when i did, it was a very similar story. it was the worst binge, at that point, i had been on and about half way through, i was seeing people standing outside their hotel rooms pointing at me and talking about me to each other. i would hear the phone ring, see people through the peep hole of the door..it was awful. you would think after something that bad i would have been less likely to continue on, but i was right back out there the next weekend. from what i understand - for most people getting to the point where you are hallucinating and hyper paranoid means that the amount you were using was "excessive" and the closest to overdosing you have been thus far. i know you have heard it all before but you have to find a way to stop now. this only gets worse and worse and your body is trying to tell you to STOP IT. find a way - meetings, rehab, whatever it takes.
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I have had hallucinations from drugs but please get help now.
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Old 02-22-2008, 12:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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AHHH-Crack-The-Devil-Itself

(please-excuse-the-dashes-my-keyboard-has-no-spacebar)

Crack-cocaine-is-the-devil-itself.I've-lost-my-rent-and-bill-money-a-few-times-luckily-over-a-few-years-ago-now.There-is-hope-in-NA,-there-is-also-hope-within-yourself.Luckily-crack-withdrawal-is-not-painful-like-opiate-w/d(been-there-done-that-too).But-it-is-terribly-depressing-and-tiring.Get-help.Stay-away-from-the-dealers-stay-around-non-using-friends/family.I-wish-you-the-best.

Love;

Jaz
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Old 02-22-2008, 01:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I have had many hallucinations.
Some very scary to where I was jumping out of my skin.
Mix the chemicals in the drugs with no nutrition and no sleep. Not to mention the stress on your mind and body too. Ever notice when you wake up from it you have muscle pain?
All that stuff is going on without you being aware.
I am so glad to look at my hands now and see no huge lighter callus on my thumb. Cuts and marks from messing with the pipe. Clean fingernails. Face isnt all clogged up with dirt and breakouts. It is a dirty dirty drug.
And it has alot of longterm side effects.
Look it up sometime and see what they are.
It is disturbing.
All the more reason to stop and get help.
Just think of it this way.
You are making somebody else rich to make your life miserable. I can do that for free.
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Cool, sounds just like one of my last runs. I used to sleep in the walkin closet or curled in a ball in the corner of the basement because 'I WAS SURE THAT THEY WERE COMING'! The sitting and waiting for the next dose, convincing a dealer to sell to me again (because he was sure I was trying to kill myself), being followed, not washing- pretty par for the course.

As my grandsponsor would ask? 'Have you had enough PAIN yet?"
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Crack has a nasty withdrawal. Granted it's not a physical withdrawal like heroin but a mental withdrawal. I would experience intense depression after a "binge".

Tiburon
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Old 02-23-2008, 07:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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wish i had something smart to say. i hope you can stay offf the dope.
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Old 02-24-2008, 03:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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There is a power that crack has like nothing I ever dealt with.Using it could never be a social thing.It is dancing with the devil to me.Anyone who does it, makes some really bad choices, simply because of the drug, it has total control.All I know is that even after I quit, I was never the same.I hate what crack did to me, and I hope to never see it again.Get smart and stay away, cuz once you take the first hit, you are not gonna stop til your broke or sick or do something really dumb.
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Old 02-25-2008, 05:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Really don't know what my plans are for now. I've done rehab, IOP and meetings before.
I stopped the meetings and I started using again....that should tell me something.

I need to get my finances back in order, can't even afford gas in my car right now. Don't get paid again until the end of the week and just got hit with $400+ in NSF fees by the bank. I'm screwed right now.

Boyfriend is out of the picture (my choice) he's got the same problem I do so we are no good together. He doesn't even work so I was always on the hook for everything anyway. It was more of a drug relationship anyway.

I've been making a lot of bad choices and don't like what I am becoming.
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Old 02-25-2008, 09:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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2 wrongs definately dont make a right. Good decision on getting out of that relationship.
I think we have all been there with the finances. Just do what you gotta do and in no time you will be caught up. But if you continue using it only gets worse.
Start going to meetings again and surrounding yourself with sober influence.
Good Luck and you can do it.
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Old 02-25-2008, 03:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Oh gosh the crazy paranoia. It brings back memories. Two or 3 days like every other weekend in my friend's attic, or seeing the screen at the movies tilt itself. I duno bout tomorow, or tonight, or next month, but right now it fels good to be clean.
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Old 02-26-2008, 04:13 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Every time I'd go out I'd get my butt back to meetings pronto. This disease was trying to kill me.

Are you going to let it kill you?
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Old 02-26-2008, 04:34 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Really don't know what my plans are for now. I've done rehab, IOP and meetings before.
I stopped the meetings and I started using again....that should tell me something.

I need to get my finances back in order, can't even afford gas in my car right now. Don't get paid again until the end of the week and just got hit with $400+ in NSF fees by the bank. I'm screwed right now.

Boyfriend is out of the picture (my choice) he's got the same problem I do so we are no good together. He doesn't even work so I was always on the hook for everything anyway. It was more of a drug relationship anyway.

I've been making a lot of bad choices and don't like what I am becoming.

I can relate fully. As someone said: "crack is evil." It is definitely one of the most addictive substances known to man. I was 37 years old before I smoked it for the first time. I am now 48 and have only been clean for 2 weeks. I could tell horror story after horror story.

As for relapse, it happens. DON'T EVER GIVE UP. During that 11 years, I was clean for several months a few times but always went back. My real pitfall was when I decided to no longer smoke from the pipe but roll it in a joint. That allowed me to have semi-control over my behavior and I was able to "function" fairly well. In reality all it did was prolong the misery and cost me way more money. I say that because when I first started 11 years ago, I smoked from the pipe. Within 2 months I was hooked. I went crazy. Within a year, I was in jail, on the verge of divorce and jobless.

So I got clean for about 5 months and then got the "brilliant" idea that I could mix it in a joint. I was scared to go back on the pipe. The cocaine high is not as strong but you don't crave quite so bad and you do not have the brutal crash. So I continued down this path for almost 10 years. I spent over $150K during that time. About $15K a year. Finally I woke up a few weeks ago. With the help of my wife (she has my keys and my credit cards), I have been clean now for 14 days. At 48, I feel like a fool. That damn stuff has robbed me of so much. With alot of help, I am determined to remain clean.

AS for hallucinations and paranoia, oh yes. One of the recovery groups I have gone to is called "From behind the blinds." YOu can't pull yourself away from the damn window because you keep thinking "they" are coming. One day when I was doing this, a police officer pulled in to my next door neighbors driveway. Then he walked over to my house and rang the door bell. I was about to have a heart attack. I went ahead and opened the door and he asked if I knew when my neighbor would be home because there were complaints about the dog barking. Whew! I just knew he was coming to arrest me. I was on probation at the time.

Sorry for being so verbose but it is therapeutic for me.

Oh and BTW, intelligence or success has nothing to do with who might get addicted. I am a professional with a Ph.D. I did not start using drugs until age 34 (pot and pills) and then crack took over when I was 37. I may have education but I am still a damn fool.

Learn about addiction. It is a brain disease. Chemicals change the wiring in your brain and make it very very difficult to stop. Look at the HBO series on Addiction: Why Can't They Just Stop. It really helped my wife to understand that I was not doing this because I didn't love her or because I was just a weak, immoral person. ITs a damn disease, like diabetes (which I also have) or high blood pressure and it has to be managed for your entire life. The good news is it can be done. I have friends who I used to use with who have been clean for years, I am determined to also be a survivor.

Good luck to all.
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