still struggling

[shalommyfriend]

so ive posted on here a few times, but never quite consistently. So I havent used cocaine, my DOC, in almost 1 year, it will 1 year on Feb 14. The thing is i dont really feel like im clean. I still drink like a fiend and am even starting to turn to alcohol to make myself feel better. I see myself getting addicted but i dont think i am ready to stop drinking. These days i basically drink when i have a craving to use. I drink to become someone i want to be. I even feel like i have to drink to be with my boyfriend because i dont like who i am. Im afraid to ask for help, and im so far away from home (about 7000 miles). Basically, i just dont know what to do anymore. I dont like the person i am, and its taken me a really long time to admit that. I've realized that i feel like as long as im not using coke im clean, but i see how wrong i am. I'm having a really hard time controlling my cravings too, these days it seems like all i want is coke all the time. Is there anyone that has gone through something similar that would be willing to share thier experiences with me?

thanks

[Fluffhead85]

This is scary territory my friend. Alcohol is a drug to. I have been addicted to opiates for five years and I have a somewhat similar experience, as far as feeling like you are cheating. When I was 19 I decided to start going to the Methadone clinic after a year of hard core opiate use. I went to the clinic for a year. I went through the hardest withdrawls ever from methadone when I made the decision to quit going to the clinic. So technically I was never really sober. I most definately depended on my methadone to make me feel better every single day. And somedays I would double up on my take homes and take two in the same day to double my milligrams, just trying to get high. I didn't really think about oxy contin while doing this, but after I quit going to the clinic I hit a downward spiral. I didn't use any opiates for about five months after quitting the clinic, however I did take valium and xanax to take the edge off and to try to forget how much I missed my drug. I eventually broke. And began using again. This past November I hit my rock bottom and since then I have sobered up completely. I rarely ever drink, and I haven't done any elicit drugs in 90 days. I'm telling you, if you can just make that step you will feel so much better. You have to really want it. I work out like crazy now and really treat my body as a temple. And I am hopeful this time. Because more than anything I want to be clean for myself and not for other people.

[hairgirl]

You obviously are in pain and you need professional help.Coke is a demon and drinking is a trigger for coke use.Educate yourself and stop using drugs and alcohol to get away from the face you see in the mirror.I know how it feels to just want to hide from everything.You are lost, you need to get back on the trail and free yourself from the prison you created.If you need to talk PM me.

[roadie58]

That's where I was and the relapses on coke and booze about killed me. I learned about myself through AA, not only how to stop taking all mind-altering substances, but how to live a better life. What's more, now I don't hate myself. I never thought life could be this good. It took a lot of work, meetings, workshops, time with sponsor, but there is a simple program that works. You see, I was an addict and was just looking for some excuse to go use again. Now the obsession has been lifted from me. Sure I think about those days from time to time, but I 'play the tape' through until I realize what happened at the end. The last few buzzes were fun for about one hour, then I knew I was in for a night (or few days) of hell followed by paranoia, sweats, lack of sleep, dry heaves, bloody sinuses, grief, guilt and remorse. I'm lucky i didn't suffer any long term health or financial consequences but I'm sure that they were waiting for me. Like my grand-sponsor says 'you are entitled to as much PAIN as you can stand, just that some people DIE before they get enough'.