what am i doing?

[fisherpaul]

I quit shooting cocaine, all day every day, after over 20 years, almost two years ago. I decided I needed to wean off by smoking crack and after a few months realized it was totally out of control, just like my IV use. It was so bad that, among other things, I actually stole money out of my son's wallet.
I started going to AA about 9 months ago but not willingly. I resent going to my meetings twice a week but I admit it definitely gives me something. After doing step 5 I never got the relief that everyone told me I'd get, in fact, I feel very vulnerable. I have a really tough time sharing and I am pretty sure I didn't share the stuff that TRULY bothers me. I have not started making my amends yet.

I am so empty and miserable, I am always daydreaming about using once in a while just to give me something to look forward to. I am trying to convince myself it is possible to control my use yet I know the mental obsession will never be relieved if I keep using, even if it is 'occasionally' and we know it won't be...
Have I screwed my brain chemistry so bad that I will never be happy again or am I not doing the work in recovery?
I think I know the answer.
Thanks everybody.

[Alera]

Good to read you fisherpaul. I'm so glad to see you here and working on your recovery. Sometimes we all have to write it out to get to the answer, the important thing is that we get to the answer!

[fisherpaul]

I guess I am still not convinced that getting to that answer is so important.
Part of me really wants confirmation that I am too screwed up to feel better and then I get the green light.
I obsess all day long about how my using was so joyful yet I had huge wounds in my arms and lived like a hermit. I went to work and bought drugs otherwise I never went out. My kids were raised by their mom and step dad. The woman who loved me the most, my mom, just got lies from me. I couldn't even bother to go home and visit her for 15 years. I've been to jail 9 times. I could go on and on and on.
Yeah, it's obvious to everyone but me that I am scared of my own recovery. Scared of getting real and honest with myself.
My old life was so great.

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!!!

I'm a recovering crack addict. I had more than a year clean, relapsed for a week, and now have 10 months.

It took me a while, in recovery, to realize that I will never, ever be able to smoke crack "recreationally". I always thought about how great being high was. What I finally had to remind myself of was that crack totally controlled my life, and not in a good way. I had picked myself, and was trying to get my life back on track when I relapsed. As soon as the high wore off, I was instantly full of self-hatred and disgust, but still wanted more, more, more.

Today, when I think that it might be fun to get high "just once" I have to remember how awful I felt when the high ended.

I don't think anyone ever screws up their life so much that recovery isn't possible. If we want to use, we will use any excuse. For me, that was my easy way out - not too hard to stay high and give up on life. It's not easy staying clean when we have to deal with the consequences, but it sure is worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[windysan]

I never understood the 12 Steps either. It takes time for your head to put itself back together. One thing I did learn from 12 step meetings was the one day at a time thing. The body and brain will heal, not overnight, but over the long haul you get better every day.

[fisherpaul]

When I look back on things honestly I have to admit that I have always been anxious around people (so I got high to do it). The longer I am clean the more stuff I cannot deny, although I try really hard, about how I handle life. I don't. I hate anything painful or unpleasant so I refuse to talk about it and use up alot of energy avoiding it in the process.
It has been suggested to me that I am a spoiled, self centered child. My earliest memories are of myself bullying my mom into getting everything I wanted and my MO seems to have changed very little. All my life I never knew what was wrong with that - it worked.
Well, here I am.

[anvilhead]

wanna know the absolute BEAUTY of recovery? that starting NOW, today, this moment, we can make our lives anything we want, dream or hope. we no longer have to stay shackled to the past, or be defined with labels that keep us limited (nothing but a drug addict), we have the opportunity to create A LIFE WORTH LIVING!!!!

get excited about it. there IS life after drugs. actually that's when life begins.......embrace it, don't fear it.

[fisherpaul]

Get excited about it?
How?
What am I doing wrong? If it's obvious, please - don't spare me.

[tennchick9598]

I too, was a spoiled child with wayyy too much freedom. I think that had a great deal to contribute to my drug use. I too stole out of my sons wallet, and can never stop thinking of that. My doctor decided my anxiety was a huge problem and prescribed xanax to me. I dont use it often, never liked downers, but anyway, maybe your doctor could treat your anxiety. Go to one, confess all. They can help with comfort meds, and to treat some underlying problems. Or maybe a thereapist. whatever it takes to beat it. We all have different ways. some people just stop and boom they are better. I am not lucky enough to be in that blessed few, I wish I were.

anyway, try to get some form of help if you need it. YOu will be amazed how much easier it can be for you. I think posting here helps a GREAT deal. There is a wealth of knowledge, and some really really good people. I will be thinking of you...

[anvilhead]

well remember this little vignette of your life you shared up a few posts? I obsess all day long about how my using was so joyful yet I had huge wounds in my arms and lived like a hermit. I went to work and bought drugs otherwise I never went out. My kids were raised by their mom and step dad. The woman who loved me the most, my mom, just got lies from me. I couldn't even bother to go home and visit her for 15 years. I've been to jail 9 times. I could go on and on and on.

you don't EVER have to live like that again. you don't HAVE to be a slave to the pipe or the needle or whatever. you CAN break free. you can open the windows now. step aside, in the DAYLIGHT....suck in huge lungfuls of fresh air....

you know what using is like, right? now you get to see what freedom from active addiction is like! all that crap that happened? you get clean and stay clean and everything is fixable, one way or the other. when you're ready, should you desire, you start the process of cleaning up the wreckage of the past, bit by bit. what ya can, when ya can.

i know, i sound like polly frickin anna......really i'm just a grateful recovering addict.......

[Emimily]

if you walk 20 years into a dark forest, how long do you think it's going to take to walk out of one?

addiction is like that. it doesn't necessarily have to take that long, but it takes awhile. get in the middle of recovery. you'll find so many different personalities that, if you're open to it, you'll click with more than a few. work work work those steps. do service work, get a home group, get involved and stay there. life takes on new meaning when you actually have responsibility. my mom, who's also in recovery, has told me time and time again that with responsibility comes freedom. as far as the obsession, dr. bob (the co-founder of AA) said in his story that the obsession didn't leave him until 2 years after he got sober. there's no time frame on when the obsession leaves, for me it still ebbs up sometimes, but it doesn't suck me down like it used to. what i do now is call someone that i know in the rooms, and talk to them about it. and we stay sober, together. we get happier, we enjoy life, blah blah blah. together. we GROW UP. together.

so it'll take a few one-day-at-a-times, but it really does WORK if YOU work it. that's my experience, strength, and hope.

[fisherpaul]

I has forgotten that about dr bob. Thanks for pointing that out.