hi everybody, new to this forum

[ex D-Boy]

Hello everybody, my names scott and im new to this whole idea of "recovery". Ive been reading different topics on these forums for the past week or so and decided to join because I can see that this is a great community of people on here.

So I am here because I have been battling my heroin addiction for the past 3 and a half years give or take a few months. I am 22 years old and just got my business finance degree 6 months ago. During my years of using I would always tell myself that as soon as I graduated I would "grow out" of using drugs and move on with my life. Needless to say I think we all know how that works out.

About a month ago I finally came to the realization that I cannot do this alone and moved back in with my parents and was medically detoxed with methadone. So I am now around 3 weeks opiate free and just wondering what to do now? I have attended some NA meetings but my anxiety level is so high that I just sit in the back and do not say a single thing. I found out from this site that there is online meetings and I just was wondering what the difference between online and regular meetings is. I think it might be easier for me to express what I am going through // feeling online rather than in a meeting.

Thanks in advance guys,
Scott

[ANGELINA243]

Welcome Scott! Glad you are here!The last online meeting here was great! It was a few days ago--the cool thing is its like actually being in a AA/NA meeting. There is a moderator and whatever members wish to participate can share. You can jump in the conversation at any time you like--but first the moderator must call on you to speak--otherwise everyone would be typing and it would be total chaos. Everyone gets a fair chance to share--some share more than others. I learned alot about recovery, and about myself and behavior patterns--I would definitely suggest attending at least one online meeting here (especially if you haven't been to one).

[ccgirl2]

Online meetings are great, but you really need to speak up at face to face meetings. If you really get involved (speaking, getting phone numbers, etc) your chances of continued recovery greatly increase.

[ex D-Boy]

thanks a lot for the quick responses you two. i really appreciate it. Guess ill hafta man up and just speak my mind in a face to face meeting ;\

[ccgirl2]

It really feels good when you do it.

[exjunky]

Hey D-Boy

Your story is a lot like mine. I was hooked on dope for three years straight then when I was 21 I cleaned up with the help of a methadone clinic.

Once I was off opiates--and mean really clean, like after a year or so--my frame of mind changed. I started to get my life together and everything seemed peachy.

Then out of nowhere, about 5 years later, my addiction blind-sided me and I suddenly was doing dope again daily. And I got clean, but then years later relapsed. And got clean, then in 2007 relapsed. And here I am.

I'm just telling you this because unless you can find a way to manage your addiction better than I did, this is what you have to look forward to.

XJ

[ex D-Boy]

XJ--

I dunno if you were an IV user but That was my method of using and man theres not one day that goes by where I wish i never experienced that. I was under the false notion that since i was able to recreationally use cocaine, alcohol, xanax and not become addicted that I could do the same with heroin. Boy did that bite me in the ass.

Just wondering, if your method was IV like mine (because there is a huge difference between IV and Snorting//Smoking) When you were clean that first time for a year and things were going great did you stop thinking about that feeling that dope provided??? I feel like that intense feeling will be forever imprinted in my mind.

thanks in advance ,
Scott

[hairgirl]

I relate so much to that feeling.I have not injected anything into myself since 2003.I was a cocaine shooter, but have done heroin too.The feeling I got from injecting still lingers in my head, but it isn't a good reminiscing, it also reminds me of how I could never fufill that need for bigger,harder, faster, more.I don't think it is a good time anymore, and yes it haunts me.I wish I could erase the images, the feelings.I wish I never knew those things, but I do.They now serve as a constant reminder of where I never want to be again.

[exjunky]

Originally Posted by ex D-Boy

Just wondering, if your method was IV ... When you were clean that first time for a year and things were going great did you stop thinking about that feeling that dope provided???

Yes IV was totally my method, and yes I eventually stopped thinking about it. That's why I emphasized that I had to be clean for an entire year. Obviously after a month or two there are no physical symptoms left, but that haunting memory is still fresh in your mind. But after a year, it's a distant memory, and after a few more years it's just a vague recollection.

But even when you reach that stage you're still not through. You have to not make the stupid mistake that I've made again and again: the belief that you can have a binge for a few days then go back to being clean. You can't even screw around with the "weak" opiates like Vicodins. It doesn't work that way; you'll wake the sleeping giant and find yourself back at square one.

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by ex D-Boy

So I am now around 3 weeks opiate free and just wondering what to do now? I have attended some NA meetings but my anxiety level is so high that I just sit in the back and do not say a single thing. I found out from this site that there is online meetings and I just was wondering what the difference between online and regular meetings is. I think it might be easier for me to express what I am going through // feeling online rather than in a meeting.

Thanks in advance guys,
Scott

As already shared, online support is a great tool to supplement one's recovery, but there is no substitution for f2f meetings, sponsorship or service. We're human, so almost anything we do that's new can cause anxiety. But just like anything else, we have to start by starting!! And you need to know that it is my opinion that nothing in life worth having comes easy. We can hide online. We can make ourselves be who ever we want to be because no one can see us. Honesty is the antidote for diseased thinking, and now is as good a time to "man up" as any other. You'll get out of it what you put into it. Listening is great, but a closed mouth cannot be fed. Do yourself a favor and get active and involved in YOUR recovery at f2f meetings. Join a homegroup, get a sponsor and work the steps. The steps are the solution.

[windysan]

some people don't go to meetings and do fine. i don't go to meetings because there is too much dope floating around at meetings. i try to stay away from feral people.

[exjunky]

I did a few online meetings recently. It wasn't an epiphany for me, but it wasn't a waste of time either. I've never seen a more orderly chat room in my life.

Anyhow, Ex-D Boy, right now is your biggest test. Statistically speaking, if you're going to relapse, this is when it happens. The more time you can put between yourself and your last shot, the less likely a relapse becomes. Of course statistics are just statistics, it's not a lottery, it's up to you.

[ex D-Boy]

thanks for all your help guys, esp xj + gary. I went to the online chat that SR had here last night and ended up staying in there talking with 3 other people for hours after the meeting ended. It was nice especially considering how long friday nights are for me in this early recovery.

I am going to a meeting today at 4;30 and I am going to try and speak up and tell them that I am new to recovery and not sure what to do or how to go about staying clean as this is my first (and hopefully last time) trying.

Ill let you guys know how it goes.
Thanks again ~
Scott

[ex D-Boy]

Xj --

i totally hear you about your mind tricking you into thinking that you can use just once and keep going. Each day that goes by my mind starts to wonder that now since im completely opiate free ( done with all w/d ) that I could push off just once have a great night and then go back to my clean lifestyle. Reading what you said last night about how that has never worked for you each time you tried it yourself and just put you back to square one has stopped me from even testing that out for myself.

Just wanted to let you know that since your online right now

be safe,
Scott

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by windysan

some people don't go to meetings and do fine. i don't go to meetings because there is too much dope floating around at meetings. i try to stay away from feral people.

WTG Scott!! Let us know how the meeting went for you.

"Some people" don't go to meetings and end up using or dead. And it has never been my experience to attend meetings where there was dope present. If going to meetings is the path you've chosen, do not let anyone sway you with negative hearsay. What works for others may not work for you...you'll have to find out for yourself.

[ccgirl2]

Scott, as far as going to a meeting, remember two things. If you don't like a particular meeting, there are probably others to choose from that fit better; and two, the newcomer is the most important person in the room. Your being there is good for the old timers. It freshens them up and gives them something new to work on. That's what a couple told me at my group.

[tennchick9598]

Welcome Scott, you are in a great place, I am sooo glad you are here. You WILL get help, ...... I did, and I have over a month clean thanks to the urgings of these fine folks.....listen to their wisdom, we have all been there, and can help.... just listen, and breathe deep, and DIVE IN, the meetings will really help you, I dont go enough,l but when I do, I feel GREAT..... Again, welcome Scott, so glad you are here....