Occasional Coke User? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Stellargirl · 12-11-2007, 01:38 AM

Hello All,
This is my first posting. Honestly, I am here because I have a question.
I am hoping for coke addicts to answer, I hope that is okay to say.
Here is my story: Several years before I met my ex-boyfriend (as of today!) he was addicted to coke (for a few years!). I thought he had completely given this up. We dated almost a year, so perhaps some of you may understand, I feel like a fool right now since it just came to light that he does coke sometimes still.
He recently moved in with a new friend. A friend who deals coke, I didn't know this until a few days ago. I asked my guy, that evening when it became known to me: When is the last time you did coke? He said, "Since I have known you, only once on my birthday." Well, few days later. We are talking about it again and he admits, in a round about way, that he uses coke occasionally like 2 or 3x a month. He tells me he has a handle on this drug use. He does drink regularly and that is another story. SO, long story TRIED to make short.
Is it truly possible for someone who has been addicted to coke in there mid-20's to only use it occasionally now in their early 30's?
or Have I been lied to for a year? HOW did I not see this? We spent soo much time together!

Thank you for all replies!
As I said, we broke up. Doing coke is a dealbreaker for me, as was the lying, but I am still curious if its possible for this situation to be legit.

stellargirl
Betrayal can only happen when you love. -John Le Carre

***Doug*** · 12-11-2007, 03:27 AM

As a recovering coke user, I'd say possible? Sure, maybe somebody can.

But likely? Nope. Especially if he lives with a dealer.

Have you been being lied to? Most probably.

Good luck, and welcome to SR.

splendra · 12-11-2007, 04:26 AM

yea right..My guess is he really meant 2-3 x's per day...month and day ain't that much difference when in denial...

exjunky · 12-11-2007, 06:00 AM

There is such a thing as an occasional coke user, but frankly 2 or 3 times a month is actually a quite frequent user. Of course it can get much worse, but that's far beyond anything that could be considered a safety-zone.

Sugah · 12-11-2007, 06:12 AM

I cannot conceive of living with a coke dealer and not doing coke on a regular, daily basis. That's one of the reasons I left my last relationship. But, then, I'm an addict. If he's an addict like I'm an addict, I would question his sense in even contemplating a roommate situation like that, not to mention consider everything he says about his drug use or non-use bullshit.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

anvilhead · 12-11-2007, 06:28 AM

boy, if i had moved in with a DEALER..........i'd be way high and then way dead.........but that's just me. i think you summed it up well.....using and lying are dealbreakers.........

chiynita · 12-11-2007, 08:28 AM

I agree with everyone else. The probability of it is slim to none.
Possible..But not likely.
Espescially living with a dealer. Holy crap..Thats like letting a kid live in a candy store and telling them to only eat 2 or 3 pieces a month.
I have lived with dealers of my DOC. And it was an everyday...all day thing.
Especially when the buyers coem to buy and some may even stay and hang.
I cant say for sure..But I can estimate that the chances are high that you are being played for a fool.

hairgirl · 12-11-2007, 08:40 AM

Occasional, my butt. I lived with a dealer too, and let me say this-there was never a time I didn't do Coke.It got to the point that we were all shooting it before too long.Our noses couldn't handle it anymore.That's me of course, but I know I couldn't live with a dealer and not do it often.

newsandi · 12-11-2007, 10:53 AM

I actually was a occasionally coke user, but my use was maybe once every 6 months for some type of special occassion. But when I started working with a guy that had it all the time and would do it with me for free, I started doing it a little too often. Almost lost my husband over it. This guy and I got into a argument and I told him to go to hell and thank God I did, because I can tell you if it is around, you are not turning it down. Coke to me was a very love/hate relationship man. I would enjoy the rush and when I came down I swore it off. But when it is there, I did it. I dont think he is "occassionally" doing it.

Stellargirl · 12-11-2007, 12:33 PM

Thank you for all your replies! Also, I just wanted to mention to clear it up. He JUST moved in with a dealer. He hasn't lived there longer than a week.

Exjunky~Yeah, you're right. 1, 2, 3x a month isn't infrequent, really. Thanks for that!

Yeah, he must be stupid to think he can live with a dealer and have it be okay when he once had a coke addiction problem. He must not care about himself, if he choose to move in there full knowing his friend deals coke, right?

Other Q's:
What is the alcohol/coke connection? They seem to go together for many.
What is mixed with coke these days? I heard rat poison, baby powder, what else?

Gosh, I feel so betrayed and like a fool. I'm a really smart person, I should have seen this-but he kept it hidden well. I asked why he finally told me and he said I don't know. He even had the nerve to say he thought our relationship was strong enough to survive this. This, being being lied to about coke use for almost a year! Is that DENIAL or what?
But no matter when he told me, its a dealbreaker. I was out of his league and he knew it, thats why he didn't tell me. I even had HIS friends tell me I was too good for him. But love is resilient and blind.
Plus, I know he doesn't make much money so either he friends give it to him for free or his parents are unknowingly enabling him. He's 31!
Thanks for listening to me.
Any advice on healing the feeling like a fool part?

Naive~
Stellargirl

p.s. Any websites where I can learn more about coke? I did notice his skin had been getting in worse condition, he had gained a little weight too, and his moods had gotten really nasty. I DESERVE BETTER-WE ALL DO!

***Doug*** · 12-11-2007, 01:40 PM

Do a web search for coke, you'll stay busy for hours.

And if your BF was a coke addict before, then no, it's not at all likely he's only doing it occasionally.

bvaljalo · 12-11-2007, 01:57 PM

I am going to disagree somewhat with the trend of this thread, but only very slightly.

Cocaine, particularly powered cocaine, done 'nasally', as opposed to shooting, crack or freebase, is one of the least addictive drugs, speaking strictly from a physical addiction perspective. I.E., the physical symptoms of withdrawals from stopping the use of it are minimal.

Psychologically, that is a different story, but psychology being what it is (highly variant amongst the population, obviously), I don't think one can make quite the same 'across the board' analysis with coke that one can make with drugs that are physically addictive like heroin, painkillers, benzos, etc.

Whilst I would say that if you were talking about a physically addictive drug such as heroin or valium, then the regularity of use he's describing (with the past history he has) would border on virtually INCONCEIVABLE, when talking about cocaine (similar to what I'd say about pot) I would say that the POSSIBILITY that he could be telling the truth would at least be up into the range where I would not completely dismiss it 'out of hand' like I would if we talking about opiates or benzos.

Now, whether or not the situation should or shouldn't be a 'deal breaker' for you, irregardless of whether he's lied to you and for how long ... I'm not going to offer advice, that's a personal matter for you to decide. I will say this ... I only WISH I was only a coke addict rather than having been addicted to opiates for years on end. The prognosis for recovery from coke addiction, statistically, is much better than my prognosis. But ANY drug, given to the wrong person, can mean their eventual self-destruction, and coke is certainly no different in that regard. The psychological hold that it can generate can be very difficult to break, no question about it.

But as far as feeling foolish goes, bear in mind that addicts and even part-time users are VERY VERY good at hiding their use, and they tend to be EXCELLENT liars, when they want or need to be. In his defense, I will say ... addicts/users just LIE. It's what we do. But you should remember, it's the addiction talking when we do it. The addiction is BIGGER than us, that's why it's CALLED addiction. It calls the shots. That is why HONESTY is such a buzz word when you get into recovery/AA/NA. The program hammers it into you ... you GOTTA start being honest with everyone, with yourself, in order to recover. After some time you realize that you AREN'T that liar, you come to HATE the lies you told in the past, and recognize your actions for what they were ... the behaviour of the addict IN you ... not YOU yourself.

I know, I said I wouldn't comment on this, but ... what I'm saying is: just because your boyfriend has been a liar in these, his 'using days', don't assume he's just a natural liar or that he hasn't cared about hurting you, didn't love you, etc. Don't read too much into this action. It's what addicts do. Even if they're just protecting a 3x a month habit, the years in the past made him an addict for life in terms of 'addiction' having the power to make him lie to protect his using, whatever that level of use might be. That genie does not go easily back into her bottle, as it were...

Anyway, last thought: consider yourself lucky that you DON'T know how to spot someone on drugs like most of us around here probably can in a heartbeat. Consider your relative innocence a blessing ... cuz it is, trust me

splendra · 12-11-2007, 02:06 PM

(((((Stellargirl))))

Don't be hard on yourself. How could you know if you have not ever done coke?

People who who do coke and hang out with people who don't do coke are very deceptive about their drug use. They don't want us to know and they can be very good at hiding it. If you hang out with them long enough for them not to care if you know then you have been with them too long.

He probably only told you because you knew something was going on.

I hope you will stick by your guns and make him stay your ex...

bvaljalo · 12-11-2007, 02:43 PM

One last thing, cause I think I know where this situation is heading... call it men's intuition, if you will ...

If you didn't still have thoughts of somehow making this work out ... you wouldn't be here on this board, now would you?

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that being said, here is the most likely outcome of this situation:
1. You deliver the ultimatum ...
2. He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, so he'll quit ... after all, he's not using that much these days anyways, shouldn't be that hard ... and he'll likely mean to do just that ... quit ...
3. He tells you he's quit, be he actually ... doesn't ...
4. Eventually you find out, are heartbroken by the news and either a)leave or b) return to step one above.

That's the most likely sequence of events here, sorry to say it, but there it is. The best way to avoid becoming (roughly) the bajilliionth person hurt in the history of the world by living through this sequence of events is probably to go ahead and leave now, try to do it on the best terms possible, in an understanding but firm way, and tell him that if he ever gets his s*it truly together that, depending on the situation in YOUR life, maybe you can have another go round. Say that, mean it, do it, and try not to look back or go back.

If it's meant to be, and if he really gets clean, you'll know it by the change that has come over him. Someone who's truly clean and recovering is a very different person in so many ways, it is very very difficult to fake it.

If not, well, chalk it up to a learning experience, and try to remember that drugs ... in the case of an addict ... are often simply more powerful than love. It's not your fault, it's nothing about YOU personally. It just is ... what it is. The drugs usually win unless and until the person is legitimately ready to quit and willing to do whatever it takes to quit. If that occasion happens to coincide with being in love ... then it's really just a happy coincidence more than, shall we say, a case of causality.

Lastly (for reals this time) you may want to try to learn about the symptoms and behaviours that are exhibited by people on or addicted to drugs so that you will be less likely to fall into this situation in the future. Just a thought, anyways...

Good luck, you seem like a very nice person who deserves everything she wants in life

windysan · 12-11-2007, 03:20 PM

Coke. Gross.

Stellargirl · 12-11-2007, 04:06 PM

oh, so darn frustrating. I just typed a super in-depth reply and went I went to send, It said I wasn't logged in. And all that I typed was gone! This has happened twice. From now on, I will copy before I hit send. The log in times out after like 2 minutes, that ridiculous. argh!

Will reply again soon.
Anybody else had this problem?

**Done-With-It** · 12-11-2007, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellargirl

oh, so darn frustrating. I just typed a super in-depth reply and went I went to send, It said I wasn't logged in. And all that I typed was gone! This has happened twice. From now on, I will copy before I hit send. The log in times out after like 2 minutes, that ridiculous. argh!

Will reply again soon.
Anybody else had this problem?

Are you checking the little box right by your name when you log in?

Also you might want to copy your post before you hit post..

Stellargirl · 12-11-2007, 04:59 PM

Thank you for all your replies!!!!They help me so much!
Yes, your mens intuition was spot on. We only called the whole thing off yesterday. I wish it could have ended amicably, but it didn't. I didn;t mean to but gave an ultimatum (stop drinking and doing coke) but I did. He said he would and then I was like so what are you doing tonight? Oh going dancing...and I said, oh and drinking? yes, but I'll only have a few and see how I handle it. I said No, thats not quitting. He said, I'll do it at my own pace. and I said No, that won't work. and he said, Oh so that's how it is? Well, fine. Don't talk to me them.
I did call him an alcoholic, which I feel really bad about but it does seem true. In return, he called me one. Anyway, He goes out drinking almost every night of the week. That was another red flag. I have no idea why the gambling away his $50,000 inheritance wasn't enough of a red flag for me to leave but he said he didn't regret it and had learned from it. That happened about 8 years ago. If there is something to regret in life, that would be one!
I am not sure why I didn't listen to the red flags but it was the honeymoon phase and I was naive and perhaps desperate. It feels so good to be desired by such an attractive man. Anyway, I will try to be strong. I MAY still tell him, IF he ever gets clean meaning no drinking, no coke and I'd love it for him to quit smoking, then maybe we could give it another shot.....no. He's already put thru enough. I must move on and next time I will pick a much better match, I just know it!

Lastly, he begged me not to tell anyone. He said if his parents found out they would disown him. I asked: and that isn't motivation enough to stop? no reply from him. Would be for me, but I am not a coke addict. I think his parents are enabling his lifestyle. I know he makes hardly any money and he spends it freely. My friend said, Look at his life. This tells you all you need to know. He is 31, a college dropout, working for min. wage part time, ******;unreliable car, and not working on the goals he says he has, like finishing school. Saving money to travel or getting his passport. I have been a fool for love.

Splendra~why do you say You hope I keep him my ex~
I just need the reassuring words right now-please tell me why you say that. cuz he is a loser?

Well, I am sure I could go on. But I think its time for me to find a therapist to talk their ears off. Not that I am leaving SR site. I still have much to learn. I don't want to end up in the situation again.

Thank you for all your feedback!!!! Much appreciated!
Hugs~
Stellargirl.

bvaljalo · 12-11-2007, 06:44 PM

Stellargirl ...

What do you REALLY want to have happen here, honestly?

Tell us, and I for one will do my best to formulate and deliver a plan unto you to make it happen ... how's that sound?

I have a LOT of experience in being the 'male' part of this equation (oh ... do I ever!) so perhaps I can be of some use in helping you get what you want out of it ... it'll be my penance, so to speak ...

By the way, I got five bucks says the dude 'drunk dials' you tonight ... if you don't end up calling him first ...

Stellargirl · 12-11-2007, 09:19 PM

Five Bucks, eh? Your on!
Do I really sound that weak? That I would call him?
I will not call him. I have a lot of self-will when it comes to that. As far as him, I doubt he will either. Maybe soon, but not quite this soon. What do I want to happen here? I want to make peace with this situation. Sometimes, I think I want to remain friends with him, WHY? I don't know! He lied to me, I should never want to be his friend. But perhaps its because...I became friends with all his friends and I moved here because of him. Although, now I live on my own. It seems sometimes in life there is an unexplainable connection to certain people and you know you need to let go of them but it is terribly difficult. Ya know? I know I am not the only to have this experience! The chemistry between us is palpable. If I could turn back time, I would have just had an awesome casual sexual relationship with him. But thats not what happened, we fell for each other.
Honestly , I am just here to air my feelings. This seems like a place for that, right?

Could you please tell me a name? bvaljalo So I can address you, personally, please.
I feel a little like you are interogating me, I am in a recent breakup with a man I loved and who loved me and I am trying to make some sense of it all. please understand. I am shocked that he still uses coke at all, so I am a mass of confusion and hurt right now.

Thanks.

bvaljalo · 12-11-2007, 10:11 PM

Sure ... my name is Brett. Click on my name there and you can even see what I look like, hobbies, etc.

In short, quite a bit more than I know about you ... but that's okay

Not interrogating you at all, just tryin' to be of service however I can. It's what I do here.

I wasn't suggesting that I *thought* you'd call him, mainly just saying I thought he'd call you, it kinda came out wrong there.

By all means, air away ... this is absolutely a place to do so ...

Truth is, that was really what I'z tryin' to get you to do ... no way I could effectively help you without knowing your real feelings about the sitch

Stellargirl · 12-12-2007, 01:46 AM

Thank you so much, Brett.

Yes, airing my feelings is an essential part of letting go of a relationship, right?

It's near 1am now and I don't think he will call. This is the FINAL breakup, it took us a month to REALLY break up. But during that time another girl starting hitting on him and has "moved in". And him being the type of guy to float thru life and take the easy way by barely making it and lacking any real ambition (although likely due to his addictions, I realize now) seems to be going for her. It kinda hurts but I kinda feel sorry for her too. She doesn't know what she is getting herself into. Plus it's a total rebound and if she doesn't realize it, then she's an idiot. He told me they are good friends but during the week we weren't talking, they made out twice. That stopped once we were trying to work things out but I saw them dancing closely together once and then his happy face when he got messages from her. I think he is the kinda of guy that can't be alone. I am not that way. I am 30 and this is my second longest relationship, which was not even a year-plus I was gone for 4 months during it (traveling). I got way duped with this one: gambling, coke, alcohol, and cigarette addict. I have a lot of work (self-growth, questioning, etc.) to do on myself now, because I realize I allowed all of this. I do take responsibilty for my poor decision to date him. But live n learn. During the next week, I am going to try to not think about him. Every time I do, I will try to tell myself: I have already wasted too much time on this guy, NOW back to what I was doing. I will have to keep myself busy. I don't have many friends here so that will be hard. OR They might be my friends but I met most through my ex, so I don't know. Plus, when I was talking to him about the coke use he said: You'd be surprised to know who does it. And I said, Oh everyone but me huh? and He pretty much! So I don't want coke friends. I want ambitious, fun traveling friends. This guy told me whatever I wanted to hear. That he wanted to travel and wanted to have kids with me and etc, etc.
It does bother me some that he already has a new girl, but what can I do? I could try and make him jealous but why bother? I have already taken him off my #1 friend on myspace, yesterday. He took me off today and added this new girl to his top friends. Should I delete him totally? What about all his friends I have on there? Ah, time will tell. I know I will eventually not even look at his and I know eventually I will not be hoping its his call on the phone-but I am not there yet.

Breakups are hard. I am so thankful I have friends and family for support. I am thinking of visiting home for a few days during the holidays, thought that might do me some good. It;s a flight, not driving. I just hope I don't cry around them too much. I am not sure what else to say now. Its late and I am getting kinda tired. Best get offline. Will return in the manana.

Heartbroken, Duped~
Stellargirl.

12-11-2007, 01:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	Occasional Coke User? Hello All, This is my first posting. Honestly, I am here because I have a question. I am hoping for coke addicts to answer, I hope that is okay to say. Here is my story: Several years before I met my ex-boyfriend (as of today!) he was addicted to coke (for a few years!). I thought he had completely given this up. We dated almost a year, so perhaps some of you may understand, I feel like a fool right now since it just came to light that he does coke sometimes still. He recently moved in with a new friend. A friend who deals coke, I didn't know this until a few days ago. I asked my guy, that evening when it became known to me: When is the last time you did coke? He said, "Since I have known you, only once on my birthday." Well, few days later. We are talking about it again and he admits, in a round about way, that he uses coke occasionally like 2 or 3x a month. He tells me he has a handle on this drug use. He does drink regularly and that is another story. SO, long story TRIED to make short. Is it truly possible for someone who has been addicted to coke in there mid-20's to only use it occasionally now in their early 30's? or Have I been lied to for a year? HOW did I not see this? We spent soo much time together! Thank you for all replies! As I said, we broke up. Doing coke is a dealbreaker for me, as was the lying, but I am still curious if its possible for this situation to be legit. stellargirl Betrayal can only happen when you love. -John Le Carre

12-11-2007, 04:26 AM	#3 (permalink)
splendra the girl can't help it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: splendraville Posts: 4,771 Blog Entries: 3	yea right..My guess is he really meant 2-3 x's per day...month and day ain't that much difference when in denial... __________________ nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

12-11-2007, 06:00 AM	#4 (permalink)
exjunky Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Miami, FL Posts: 602	There is such a thing as an occasional coke user, but frankly 2 or 3 times a month is actually a quite frequent user. Of course it can get much worse, but that's far beyond anything that could be considered a safety-zone. __________________ Is addiction a disease, or a choice? Who cares about semantics? If it's a disease, cure thyself. If it's a choice, make the right one.

12-11-2007, 06:12 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,262	I cannot conceive of living with a coke dealer and not doing coke on a regular, daily basis. That's one of the reasons I left my last relationship. But, then, I'm an addict. If he's an addict like I'm an addict, I would question his sense in even contemplating a roommate situation like that, not to mention consider everything he says about his drug use or non-use bullshit. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ I don't know what happens when people die Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear That I can't sing I can't help listening ~JB

12-11-2007, 08:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
chiynita My Heart Is With The Ocean Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Clifton Park, NY Posts: 5,500 Blog Entries: 21	I agree with everyone else. The probability of it is slim to none. Possible..But not likely. Espescially living with a dealer. Holy crap..Thats like letting a kid live in a candy store and telling them to only eat 2 or 3 pieces a month. I have lived with dealers of my DOC. And it was an everyday...all day thing. Especially when the buyers coem to buy and some may even stay and hang. I cant say for sure..But I can estimate that the chances are high that you are being played for a fool. __________________

12-11-2007, 03:27 AM	#2 (permalink)
*Doug* Administrator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: SR. (OFTEN imitated, never duplicated) Posts: 1,347	As a recovering coke user, I'd say possible? Sure, maybe somebody can. But likely? Nope. Especially if he lives with a dealer. Have you been being lied to? Most probably. Good luck, and welcome to SR.

12-11-2007, 06:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,036	boy, if i had moved in with a DEALER..........i'd be way high and then way dead.........but that's just me. i think you summed it up well.....using and lying are dealbreakers.........

12-11-2007, 08:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
hairgirl Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Berea,Ohio Posts: 378 Blog Entries: 1	Occasional, my butt. I lived with a dealer too, and let me say this-there was never a time I didn't do Coke.It got to the point that we were all shooting it before too long.Our noses couldn't handle it anymore.That's me of course, but I know I couldn't live with a dealer and not do it often.

12-11-2007, 10:53 AM	#9 (permalink)
newsandi Content with my past Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Cincinnati Ohio Posts: 637	I actually was a occasionally coke user, but my use was maybe once every 6 months for some type of special occassion. But when I started working with a guy that had it all the time and would do it with me for free, I started doing it a little too often. Almost lost my husband over it. This guy and I got into a argument and I told him to go to hell and thank God I did, because I can tell you if it is around, you are not turning it down. Coke to me was a very love/hate relationship man. I would enjoy the rush and when I came down I swore it off. But when it is there, I did it. I dont think he is "occassionally" doing it.

12-11-2007, 12:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	Thank you for all your replies! Also, I just wanted to mention to clear it up. He JUST moved in with a dealer. He hasn't lived there longer than a week. Exjunky~Yeah, you're right. 1, 2, 3x a month isn't infrequent, really. Thanks for that! Yeah, he must be stupid to think he can live with a dealer and have it be okay when he once had a coke addiction problem. He must not care about himself, if he choose to move in there full knowing his friend deals coke, right? Other Q's: What is the alcohol/coke connection? They seem to go together for many. What is mixed with coke these days? I heard rat poison, baby powder, what else? Gosh, I feel so betrayed and like a fool. I'm a really smart person, I should have seen this-but he kept it hidden well. I asked why he finally told me and he said I don't know. He even had the nerve to say he thought our relationship was strong enough to survive this. This, being being lied to about coke use for almost a year! Is that DENIAL or what? But no matter when he told me, its a dealbreaker. I was out of his league and he knew it, thats why he didn't tell me. I even had HIS friends tell me I was too good for him. But love is resilient and blind. Plus, I know he doesn't make much money so either he friends give it to him for free or his parents are unknowingly enabling him. He's 31! Thanks for listening to me. Any advice on healing the feeling like a fool part? Naive~ Stellargirl p.s. Any websites where I can learn more about coke? I did notice his skin had been getting in worse condition, he had gained a little weight too, and his moods had gotten really nasty. I DESERVE BETTER-WE ALL DO! Last edited by Stellargirl; 12-11-2007 at 12:40 PM. Reason: add

12-11-2007, 01:40 PM	#11 (permalink)
*Doug* Administrator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: SR. (OFTEN imitated, never duplicated) Posts: 1,347	Do a web search for coke, you'll stay busy for hours. And if your BF was a coke addict before, then no, it's not at all likely he's only doing it occasionally.

12-11-2007, 01:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
bvaljalo YES WE DID!!! Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: East Bay, California Posts: 1,392	I am going to disagree somewhat with the trend of this thread, but only very slightly. Cocaine, particularly powered cocaine, done 'nasally', as opposed to shooting, crack or freebase, is one of the least addictive drugs, speaking strictly from a physical addiction perspective. I.E., the physical symptoms of withdrawals from stopping the use of it are minimal. Psychologically, that is a different story, but psychology being what it is (highly variant amongst the population, obviously), I don't think one can make quite the same 'across the board' analysis with coke that one can make with drugs that are physically addictive like heroin, painkillers, benzos, etc. Whilst I would say that if you were talking about a physically addictive drug such as heroin or valium, then the regularity of use he's describing (with the past history he has) would border on virtually INCONCEIVABLE, when talking about cocaine (similar to what I'd say about pot) I would say that the POSSIBILITY that he could be telling the truth would at least be up into the range where I would not completely dismiss it 'out of hand' like I would if we talking about opiates or benzos. Now, whether or not the situation should or shouldn't be a 'deal breaker' for you, irregardless of whether he's lied to you and for how long ... I'm not going to offer advice, that's a personal matter for you to decide. I will say this ... I only WISH I was only a coke addict rather than having been addicted to opiates for years on end. The prognosis for recovery from coke addiction, statistically, is much better than my prognosis. But ANY drug, given to the wrong person, can mean their eventual self-destruction, and coke is certainly no different in that regard. The psychological hold that it can generate can be very difficult to break, no question about it. But as far as feeling foolish goes, bear in mind that addicts and even part-time users are VERY VERY good at hiding their use, and they tend to be EXCELLENT liars, when they want or need to be. In his defense, I will say ... addicts/users just LIE. It's what we do. But you should remember, it's the addiction talking when we do it. The addiction is BIGGER than us, that's why it's CALLED addiction. It calls the shots. That is why HONESTY is such a buzz word when you get into recovery/AA/NA. The program hammers it into you ... you GOTTA start being honest with everyone, with yourself, in order to recover. After some time you realize that you AREN'T that liar, you come to HATE the lies you told in the past, and recognize your actions for what they were ... the behaviour of the addict IN you ... not YOU yourself. I know, I said I wouldn't comment on this, but ... what I'm saying is: just because your boyfriend has been a liar in these, his 'using days', don't assume he's just a natural liar or that he hasn't cared about hurting you, didn't love you, etc. Don't read too much into this action. It's what addicts do. Even if they're just protecting a 3x a month habit, the years in the past made him an addict for life in terms of 'addiction' having the power to make him lie to protect his using, whatever that level of use might be. That genie does not go easily back into her bottle, as it were... Anyway, last thought: consider yourself lucky that you DON'T know how to spot someone on drugs like most of us around here probably can in a heartbeat. Consider your relative innocence a blessing ... cuz it is, trust me __________________ well across the fields and woods i'd run like a bullet from a rabbit gun back home to my bed and when mama come in from gettysburg her an' that new beau o' hers 'boy, you look like hell' was all she said ... Last edited by bvaljalo; 12-11-2007 at 02:14 PM.

12-11-2007, 02:06 PM	#13 (permalink)
splendra the girl can't help it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: splendraville Posts: 4,771 Blog Entries: 3	(((((Stellargirl)))) Don't be hard on yourself. How could you know if you have not ever done coke? People who who do coke and hang out with people who don't do coke are very deceptive about their drug use. They don't want us to know and they can be very good at hiding it. If you hang out with them long enough for them not to care if you know then you have been with them too long. He probably only told you because you knew something was going on. I hope you will stick by your guns and make him stay your ex... __________________ nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

12-11-2007, 02:43 PM	#14 (permalink)
bvaljalo YES WE DID!!! Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: East Bay, California Posts: 1,392	One last thing, cause I think I know where this situation is heading... call it men's intuition, if you will ... If you didn't still have thoughts of somehow making this work out ... you wouldn't be here on this board, now would you? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that being said, here is the most likely outcome of this situation: 1. You deliver the ultimatum ... 2. He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, so he'll quit ... after all, he's not using that much these days anyways, shouldn't be that hard ... and he'll likely mean to do just that ... quit ... 3. He tells you he's quit, be he actually ... doesn't ... 4. Eventually you find out, are heartbroken by the news and either a)leave or b) return to step one above. That's the most likely sequence of events here, sorry to say it, but there it is. The best way to avoid becoming (roughly) the bajilliionth person hurt in the history of the world by living through this sequence of events is probably to go ahead and leave now, try to do it on the best terms possible, in an understanding but firm way, and tell him that if he ever gets his s*it truly together that, depending on the situation in YOUR life, maybe you can have another go round. Say that, mean it, do it, and try not to look back or go back. If it's meant to be, and if he really gets clean, you'll know it by the change that has come over him. Someone who's truly clean and recovering is a very different person in so many ways, it is very very difficult to fake it. If not, well, chalk it up to a learning experience, and try to remember that drugs ... in the case of an addict ... are often simply more powerful than love. It's not your fault, it's nothing about YOU personally. It just is ... what it is. The drugs usually win unless and until the person is legitimately ready to quit and willing to do whatever it takes to quit. If that occasion happens to coincide with being in love ... then it's really just a happy coincidence more than, shall we say, a case of causality. Lastly (for reals this time) you may want to try to learn about the symptoms and behaviours that are exhibited by people on or addicted to drugs so that you will be less likely to fall into this situation in the future. Just a thought, anyways... Good luck, you seem like a very nice person who deserves everything she wants in life __________________ well across the fields and woods i'd run like a bullet from a rabbit gun back home to my bed and when mama come in from gettysburg her an' that new beau o' hers 'boy, you look like hell' was all she said ...

12-11-2007, 03:20 PM	#15 (permalink)
windysan Large Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 3,483	Coke. Gross.

12-11-2007, 04:06 PM	#16 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	oh, so darn frustrating. I just typed a super in-depth reply and went I went to send, It said I wasn't logged in. And all that I typed was gone! This has happened twice. From now on, I will copy before I hit send. The log in times out after like 2 minutes, that ridiculous. argh! Will reply again soon. Anybody else had this problem?

12-11-2007, 04:59 PM	#18 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	Thank you for all your replies!!!!They help me so much! Yes, your mens intuition was spot on. We only called the whole thing off yesterday. I wish it could have ended amicably, but it didn't. I didn;t mean to but gave an ultimatum (stop drinking and doing coke) but I did. He said he would and then I was like so what are you doing tonight? Oh going dancing...and I said, oh and drinking? yes, but I'll only have a few and see how I handle it. I said No, thats not quitting. He said, I'll do it at my own pace. and I said No, that won't work. and he said, Oh so that's how it is? Well, fine. Don't talk to me them. I did call him an alcoholic, which I feel really bad about but it does seem true. In return, he called me one. Anyway, He goes out drinking almost every night of the week. That was another red flag. I have no idea why the gambling away his $50,000 inheritance wasn't enough of a red flag for me to leave but he said he didn't regret it and had learned from it. That happened about 8 years ago. If there is something to regret in life, that would be one! I am not sure why I didn't listen to the red flags but it was the honeymoon phase and I was naive and perhaps desperate. It feels so good to be desired by such an attractive man. Anyway, I will try to be strong. I MAY still tell him, IF he ever gets clean meaning no drinking, no coke and I'd love it for him to quit smoking, then maybe we could give it another shot.....no. He's already put thru enough. I must move on and next time I will pick a much better match, I just know it! Lastly, he begged me not to tell anyone. He said if his parents found out they would disown him. I asked: and that isn't motivation enough to stop? no reply from him. Would be for me, but I am not a coke addict. I think his parents are enabling his lifestyle. I know he makes hardly any money and he spends it freely. My friend said, Look at his life. This tells you all you need to know. He is 31, a college dropout, working for min. wage part time, ******;unreliable car, and not working on the goals he says he has, like finishing school. Saving money to travel or getting his passport. I have been a fool for love. Splendra~why do you say You hope I keep him my ex~ I just need the reassuring words right now-please tell me why you say that. cuz he is a loser? Well, I am sure I could go on. But I think its time for me to find a therapist to talk their ears off. Not that I am leaving SR site. I still have much to learn. I don't want to end up in the situation again. Thank you for all your feedback!!!! Much appreciated! Hugs~ Stellargirl.

12-11-2007, 06:44 PM	#19 (permalink)
bvaljalo YES WE DID!!! Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: East Bay, California Posts: 1,392	Stellargirl ... What do you REALLY want to have happen here, honestly? Tell us, and I for one will do my best to formulate and deliver a plan unto you to make it happen ... how's that sound? I have a LOT of experience in being the 'male' part of this equation (oh ... do I ever!) so perhaps I can be of some use in helping you get what you want out of it ... it'll be my penance, so to speak ... By the way, I got five bucks says the dude 'drunk dials' you tonight ... if you don't end up calling him first ... __________________ well across the fields and woods i'd run like a bullet from a rabbit gun back home to my bed and when mama come in from gettysburg her an' that new beau o' hers 'boy, you look like hell' was all she said ...

12-11-2007, 09:19 PM	#20 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	Five Bucks, eh? Your on! Do I really sound that weak? That I would call him? I will not call him. I have a lot of self-will when it comes to that. As far as him, I doubt he will either. Maybe soon, but not quite this soon. What do I want to happen here? I want to make peace with this situation. Sometimes, I think I want to remain friends with him, WHY? I don't know! He lied to me, I should never want to be his friend. But perhaps its because...I became friends with all his friends and I moved here because of him. Although, now I live on my own. It seems sometimes in life there is an unexplainable connection to certain people and you know you need to let go of them but it is terribly difficult. Ya know? I know I am not the only to have this experience! The chemistry between us is palpable. If I could turn back time, I would have just had an awesome casual sexual relationship with him. But thats not what happened, we fell for each other. Honestly , I am just here to air my feelings. This seems like a place for that, right? Could you please tell me a name? bvaljalo So I can address you, personally, please. I feel a little like you are interogating me, I am in a recent breakup with a man I loved and who loved me and I am trying to make some sense of it all. please understand. I am shocked that he still uses coke at all, so I am a mass of confusion and hurt right now. Thanks.

12-11-2007, 10:11 PM	#21 (permalink)
bvaljalo YES WE DID!!! Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: East Bay, California Posts: 1,392	Sure ... my name is Brett. Click on my name there and you can even see what I look like, hobbies, etc. In short, quite a bit more than I know about you ... but that's okay Not interrogating you at all, just tryin' to be of service however I can. It's what I do here. I wasn't suggesting that I thought you'd call him, mainly just saying I thought he'd call you, it kinda came out wrong there. By all means, air away ... this is absolutely a place to do so ... Truth is, that was really what I'z tryin' to get you to do ... no way I could effectively help you without knowing your real feelings about the sitch __________________ well across the fields and woods i'd run like a bullet from a rabbit gun back home to my bed and when mama come in from gettysburg her an' that new beau o' hers 'boy, you look like hell' was all she said ...

12-12-2007, 01:46 AM	#22 (permalink)
Stellargirl Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 88	Thank you so much, Brett. Yes, airing my feelings is an essential part of letting go of a relationship, right? It's near 1am now and I don't think he will call. This is the FINAL breakup, it took us a month to REALLY break up. But during that time another girl starting hitting on him and has "moved in". And him being the type of guy to float thru life and take the easy way by barely making it and lacking any real ambition (although likely due to his addictions, I realize now) seems to be going for her. It kinda hurts but I kinda feel sorry for her too. She doesn't know what she is getting herself into. Plus it's a total rebound and if she doesn't realize it, then she's an idiot. He told me they are good friends but during the week we weren't talking, they made out twice. That stopped once we were trying to work things out but I saw them dancing closely together once and then his happy face when he got messages from her. I think he is the kinda of guy that can't be alone. I am not that way. I am 30 and this is my second longest relationship, which was not even a year-plus I was gone for 4 months during it (traveling). I got way duped with this one: gambling, coke, alcohol, and cigarette addict. I have a lot of work (self-growth, questioning, etc.) to do on myself now, because I realize I allowed all of this. I do take responsibilty for my poor decision to date him. But live n learn. During the next week, I am going to try to not think about him. Every time I do, I will try to tell myself: I have already wasted too much time on this guy, NOW back to what I was doing. I will have to keep myself busy. I don't have many friends here so that will be hard. OR They might be my friends but I met most through my ex, so I don't know. Plus, when I was talking to him about the coke use he said: You'd be surprised to know who does it. And I said, Oh everyone but me huh? and He pretty much! So I don't want coke friends. I want ambitious, fun traveling friends. This guy told me whatever I wanted to hear. That he wanted to travel and wanted to have kids with me and etc, etc. It does bother me some that he already has a new girl, but what can I do? I could try and make him jealous but why bother? I have already taken him off my #1 friend on myspace, yesterday. He took me off today and added this new girl to his top friends. Should I delete him totally? What about all his friends I have on there? Ah, time will tell. I know I will eventually not even look at his and I know eventually I will not be hoping its his call on the phone-but I am not there yet. Breakups are hard. I am so thankful I have friends and family for support. I am thinking of visiting home for a few days during the holidays, thought that might do me some good. It;s a flight, not driving. I just hope I don't cry around them too much. I am not sure what else to say now. Its late and I am getting kinda tired. Best get offline. Will return in the manana. Heartbroken, Duped~ Stellargirl.