Self-pity and its role in recovery.

[Cleansing]

I asked this in another thread, but nobody seems to respond to those "Where were you in recovery threads".

Originally Posted by Cleansing

In any case, since this thread seems to have died, I want to ask, what do people mean by self-pity? What does it mean to you? What's its significance in your recovery? In anyone's recovery? I hear the term a lot, but I do not really comprehend what people mean by it.

[newsandi]

I think self-pity would mean in your recovery, feeling sorry for yourself. Blaming others or something for your contiuned use with drugs. Oh its not my fault its because I had this disease and I have pain that I need them. Because of some hardships in your life or problems from the past or present that you can blame your use or your relapse on it. You have to take full responsibilty for your actions toward taking drugs and responsibility to gettting off of them and continue not taking them. It doesn't really matter why or how we did it but that we change no one else can do it for us. Atleast thats my meaning of it. I hope that helps.

[DevastatedJP]

My AH has been detoxing off pills all weekend. He has wallered in bed and self-pity all weekend. He has wallered in several bottles of vodka because he deserves it because he's detoxing off Oxycodone. Anything to make the pain and the symptoms of withdrawal go away. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow he will probably find more pills. Today, I am the bad guy. Today, I hate him, I hate addiction, I hate being around him and I hate that he can't be a part of mine and my children's lives because he is wallering in self-pity and I don't have the gumption to get up and get on with our lives and leave him to his self-pity and whatever else may come.

I think I am also wallering in some self-pity cause I won't get moving.

Sorry for the rant. The self-pity topic hit a chord.

[Sugah]

For me, it's embracing the role of victim. Like Sandi said, focusing on blaming others for my situation, telling myself that that my unwillingness to act is justified by how hard I have it in life, convincing myself that no one else could possibly know how I feel and generally living in the "poor me" mode are all forms of self-pity. When I feel it myself, I usually express myself in such a way that I want you to pity me, too. Self-pity and victimhood are self-defeating identities that, in recovery, I strive to overcome.

If I instead look at my challenges as just that -- challenges -- and recognize that everyone has challenges, I can then decide if they require my acceptance of them or effort in overcoming them.

At the basis of all self-pity is self-centeredness and selfishness. If I'm turned inward, feeling sorry for myself, I deny my connection with humankind. I'm creating an internal world where I am the Melancholy Queen, and you can't reach me there, let alone it even occurring to me to try to reach out to you. Self-pity takes me out of the stream of life, forces me to be alone and deprives me of Purpose.

That's my take on self-pity. My recovery could not have progressed without recognizing it for what it is and how nonproductive I am in its grips.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ccgirl]

I couldn't say it any better than Sugah's third paragraph.

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by Cleansing

In any case, since this thread seems to have died, I want to ask, what do people mean by self-pity? What does it mean to you? What's its significance in your recovery? In anyone's recovery? I hear the term a lot, but I do not really comprehend what people mean by it.

I would agree with what everyone has said so far. I would add that self-pity makes us become more and more immature. We may have suffered from some sort of emotional hurt in our past and so we pleasure ourselves with what ulimately adds to the misery we are already in. As our families and friends have less pity for us because of our addictive behavior, we try to make up that deficit by feeling even more sorry for ourselves. At the core of all addiction, IMHO, is some sort of emotional hurt and feeling sorry for ourselves is part of the problem.


Peace.

[exjunky]

Self pity is what keeps us stuck in this mess, "Oh look at me, the poor druggie boy, I can't help myself, it's a disease you know, I am powerless. Feel sorry for me."

I think overcoming this attitude is an important cornerstone in recovery.

[Aa_vark]

Hi, good question.

Step four, and the examples given in the "twelve steps and twelve traditions of AA" book really helped me to get a grip on my own self-pity mode.

But basicly, as i understand self pity now, Its like pride in reverse. And also that it relates, as a symptom to insecurity. Im gona post a few paragraphs from step 4 in the 12x12 that talk about this... Hope it helps, i suggest looking at that book though...

"Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in
themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking. We have drunk
to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We have drunk to escape
the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions
possible. We have drunk for vain glory--that we might the more enjoy foolish
dreams of pomp and power. This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look
upon. Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious
attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.
If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped
with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a
misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy
activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion
looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective,
and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a
moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so
often been led to the bottle and extinction."

snip....

"But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends
will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own
personality defects have thus demolished their security.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity,
and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us,
and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we
ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous
or recurring trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may
arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this
end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations
have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Appraising each
situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities
beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance
was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to
accept conditions I cannot change? These are the sort of fundamental inquiries
that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be
able to alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to
self-discipline."

Snip, again...

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at
large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid
and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our
total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our
egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the
people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on
people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot
possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and
festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful
desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a
sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at
control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We
have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be
a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to
struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered
behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true
brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own
character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a
conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the
objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn't
looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply
because we have buried these self same defects deep down in us under thick
layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed
us into alcoholism and misery.
Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In
this connection, it is wise to write out our questions and answers. It will be
an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first tangible
evidence of our complete willingness to move forward."

So, i guess that said, i would say that step four helped me look squarely at alot of things that were troubrling me, and with the help of my sponser, and others who have worked through theese steps, "we" were able to uncover causes and conditions of my own problems. And knowing what was going on was more then half way to changing.

Insecurity, basicly, was the root of my self pity. Depressed because my attempts at fixing things just so were not successful, i stayed depressed untill someone helped me work this step.

I'll tell ya one more thing, thats that in my experience, not getting F#%^&D up only helped ALITTLE when it came to depression.. Without the buzz to releive my mind, i felt everything more sharply then i ever had before. I tried to get by with just going to meetings, and not working step four. I was still miserable, and carrying the pain and weight of my feelings again. It took a while, but i relapsed. After that, though i was ready to take a look at myself with someones help, through the 4th/5th step. THAT HELPED! It took time, and still takes work, but it was the key to figuring out WHY i drank and drugged.

[ThaNinja]

Self Pity for me is blaming outside circumstances for my situation, and by doing so, circumventing my power to change my behavior.

Realizing that you are responsible for your situation and actions is very empowering. I get to choose where I want to go and who I want to be today. If I pitied myself, I would think that outside circumstances were the cause of my present situation.

[Movin On]

Self pity -- why is everything in recovery so complicated. Why does everything said have to beat us down? If it's not self pity, it's denial or it's a thousand other labels I can't even think of now.

If recovery can't be simple and accepting then I won't make it. Self pity happens to be part of everyone.....not just addicts.

Self pity in recovery......it's just part of the process I suppose. I don't know....like I said everything seems so complicated. I am beginning to agree with the post I read from Windysan.....1) don't do dope. I can grasp that concept.

I can put a label on every emotion, every action, every move I make, but why? We fail...and get back up....we lean on friends and try again. Can't it just be easy. Why must I feel like I have another problem on my back now: Self pity.

I may not be expressing exactly what I'm trying to say but it's the best this addict can do.

I am still holding on and I find that is a very good thing. I'm not perfect and haven't gotten in all under control, but I'm better today that I was 4 months ago.

[Sugah]

MO, there are different ways to deal with drug addiction. As much as Windy's simplicity endears him to me, simply "don't do dope" wasn't enough to keep me from doing dope. My father was content to lay down the booze and do nothing else for the last twenty-four years of his life. I saw him only a small handful of times in that twenty-four years where he wasn't completely miserable. For me? I'd rather be using or dead than to live like that.

MO, I know you've been through a lot. I've experienced pain as well, and I wish I could tell you when it stops hurting. Hasn't yet for me. That's part of the grieving process. What I have to be on my guard for is thinking that these things have happened to me. The loss, yes. But it's not some punishment, not a case of having been picked out of the crowd to suffer.

When talking about the steps as a simple program for recovery, it's important, I think, not to misread it as a shallow program. Steps will reveal more to us about ourselves than we ever knew before, and some of that is uncomfortable. The freedom is in the persevering. In the process of taking the steps with heart and soul comes the realization that, whatever it is, it can't control us anymore. We still possess the full range of emotions, but with a spiritual awakening, they become appropriate to the situation.

The danger in self-pity and any number of other defeating emotions in addicts as opposed to non-addicts is that it's deadly in us. That's not to say that a non-addict consumed by such emotions isn't in danger of him or herself, but by and large, the more miserable we are, the less likely it is that we can stay clean.

Windy's suggestion to 1) don't do dope is a good place to start. What comes next depends upon what we're willing to live with. The folks I know who have successfully put down the dope have either decided to 2) work a program or 3) accept being miserable.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Movin On]

sugah, I know that i've not been picked out of a crowd to suffer -- so many have suffered greater loss than i and i do understand what you are saying. You said it very well, as a matter of fact.

You're right, the freedom is in the persevering and I want to believe that I can do this. I don't want anything to have control over me, except God. Sometimes I tell God that I must be a piece of old hard clay to work with because I don't make it very easy.

thanks for your post....it makes sense to me AND I certainly know that I am full of self pity at times.....or entitlement.....or self centeredness.....but I want those things replaced with taking ownership, healing, helping others, love, etc.

So....I guess to answer the original question of Self-pity and it's role in recovery -- all I can say is, it's there and I don't think there is a single addict who has not wallered in self pity--we (I) just can't stay there.

[Carrie]

Originally Posted by DevastatedJP

My AH has been detoxing off pills all weekend. He has wallered in bed and self-pity all weekend. He has wallered in several bottles of vodka because he deserves it because he's detoxing off Oxycodone. Anything to make the pain and the symptoms of withdrawal go away. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow he will probably find more pills. Today, I am the bad guy. Today, I hate him, I hate addiction, I hate being around him and I hate that he can't be a part of mine and my children's lives because he is wallering in self-pity and I don't have the gumption to get up and get on with our lives and leave him to his self-pity and whatever else may come.

I think I am also wallering in some self-pity cause I won't get moving.

Sorry for the rant. The self-pity topic hit a chord.

He's detoxing by choice or because he ran out of meds? If he is detoxing by choice and really wants to get off the oxy I say support the man and be happy that he is trying to come off the meds. Take the bottle away. Call a doc and perhaps get him some comfort meds to ease the withdrawals. Support the positive steps.

If he is detoxing because he is just out of meds and has no intention of stopping, then I think you have to do what you have to do, especially with children involved. If you no longer love him, then yes, it's time for you to get off your butt and leave. I am not suggesting that you cut him out of your life completely as that would be cruel, but I don't think it's a healthy situation for you or your kids to have to live with on a daily basis.

I've been reading a lot of these threads tonight and noticing there's a lot of attitude about tough love. I just don't think that works for every addict. It didn't for me. I only got myself into treatment when I got the love, support and compassion I desperately needed.

I know there are two schools of thought out there regarding addiction. One, that it IS a disease of the brain. The other is that it's a choice. I see that most people on this board consider it the latter. I do not. I think it starts out as a choice, and then it does indeed become a brain disease. Why do I say this? Because there is the physiology to back it up. In the case of opiate addiction anyway, it's a medical fact that they change the brain. Taking more opiates allows for more opiate receptors to become available in the brain. These receptors when not filled send out signals to the brain that the body is dying, thus the withdrawal syndrome which includes an intense craving for the DOC. That's no longer a choice. It's a need of the brain. That's why it's so hard for the addict to stop using. If it were simply a choice it would actually be easy to stop taking opiates. Who wants to live like that? I know I didn't. I was totally miserable and still couldn't seem to stop using. I finally got to the point where the desire to get myself clean was even more powerful than the brain telling me to use. It wasn't easy though. It was horrible. I am now on subutex which alleviates the signals the brain is sending to the body by filling the receptors. I have no cravings anymore and no withdrawals. I've been off my DOC for two weeks now. This tells me that it IS a brain disease after one becomes addicted. Getting addicted IS a choice, a bad one for sure, but a choice. Staying an addict is not a simple choice.

This is only my opinion so please don't flame me really bad. Remember, there are a lot of doctors, scientists and researchers who agree with this theory. I am not alone just making this up. I am just kind of surprised that the general consensus on this board is that it is a choice.

carry on.

[Aa_vark]

hey carrie,

no flames, i think that you hit the nail on the head.

after the withdrawls were basicly gone for me, i basicly got the choice back. Any i had to rely on something larger then my own experience, and feelings and moods to help stay clean.

lately i've heard alot that addiction is the only disease that you can talk to remission, .. Ya know?

If cancer patients could talk themselves back to health, they'd trample us addicts and alcoholics, at meetings.

Anyway, to stay on topic, self pity and depression were real problems with me. I had to find some way to change my perspective on that inorder to stay clean many days so far.

[Cleansing]

interesting .. thanx for the feedback. I am too tired to think clearly now, but I do have some more questions. I'll be back eventually.

[DevastatedJP]

I guess he was saying you get addicted to the *****, the slight pain, then the unbelievable pleasure that you can get from the needle and by no other means.

Tonight I will sleep peacefully for the first time in a very long time.

[DevastatedJP]

Carrie,

My husband went to rehab this afternoon!! He woke up, felt like crap but not as bad as yesterday, or the day before so the worst of the physical withdrawals are waning. Now it's the psychological. You are right about the brain and it's receptors. His are already bad off cause he was an addict for over 20 years but has been clean for 10 years. He takes a lot of meds to keep his head on straight, to make up for what his brain hasn't been getting since he quit. He DID run out of pills but prior to that, about a week and half prior to that, he had told his doctor that he wasn't comfortable with the amount of pain meds he was using and wanted to look into pain management. Of course he didn't tell his doctor that he was shooting up the oxycodone and when he didn't have those, between refills, he was shooting heroin.

Anyway, he called me this morning sobbing. Said he couldn't do this on his own. He thought he could, his ego thought he could (substance abuse counselor who's been in at least 30 rehabs over the years -should have the tools and education to nip it on his own you know). He went to his mental health doctor and got a refill of Clonopins (to calm him) then he called his mentor/supervisor and went and saw her at 1:30. He is safely tucked away at the crisis center right now and on his way to an inpatient program. It's only 5 days but she thought since the worst of the physical systems had gone away, they needed to deal with his head, his need, his cravings and his not feeling "normal" cause he doesn't have his magic pills.

Something I thought was interesting is that he explained that the opiate addiction was one problem, the other problem was the addiction to shooting up because after shooting it, it just didn't get it to take it orally anymore. I guess he was saying you get addicted to the *****, the slight pain, then the unbelievable pleasure that you

[anvilhead]

there's a wide gap of difference between self-destructive and self-healing........one side keeps us sick and using, the other sides finds us seeking recovery and wellness in body mind and spirit.

to me self-pity is all that woe is me crap.....look at the lousy hand life dealt me....i don't wanna be an addict.......i'm broke, sad, miserable, family hates me, yada yada......in other words, all those lovely juicy excuses to go get loaded and say F*CK IT. we paint ourselves neatly into the "what's the use of trying?" corner. and we also conveniently forget that our lives are a mess cuz we been spending all our free time, talents and energies towards gettin' high, while everything falls apart around us........

self-pity also tells us that we are different, unique, and nobody could possibly understand OUR condition. tells us that the rules just don't apply to US, we're a different kind of addict, we're special, therefore all the standard methods of recovery that have worked for thousands of other addicts just won't work for us....and there we are back at "whats the use of trying?" again.....

self-will tells us we don't need nobody, we got it all under control, certainly don't need any help or advice on how to stay clean......even tho on our own we can't manage 4 days.

*******
self-care tells us to stop killing ourselves.
self-awareness tells us to get our heads out of our a$$e$, get real, get on with living.
self-healing tells us to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get this sickness, this disease, behind us, and live a life free from active addiction.
self-esteem tells us that we are worthy of the effort.