Sad

[Movin On]

I am feeling sad tonight because I've read all about me in a post in the Insanity Thread.

I am one of the one's that just don't or won't get it. I am not a stumbling drunk nor do I have needle in my arm, but I am a functioning addict. Some don't even know. I hide it very well. Inside of me there is a storm that has been brewing and I don't know when it will blow.

I fear that I'll have to go to jail or lose my family or perhaps die. I am so complacent with my recovery. I have some anger issues that I can't seem to think clearly about or pinpoint the real reason for my anger. I am just reckless at times and don't know when the insanity will stop. I really don't want to die this way.

At times I even doubt if I am an addict or whether I've let people put that label on me. I am so damn passive at times and it's only when I get so mad and angry that I stand up for myself. I wonder if I make life harder than it has to be.

But I know that I'm not normal....I can feel when I want to be alone and isolate instead of getting out of myself. Is it fear of failure? Is the reason I won't give 100% to my recovery is that I'm scared of this way of life. Recovery is a commitment and it's letting people see the uglyness inside and it's opening wounds that I don't want to look at. I avoid it. I know I do.

I know that we all go through season's in our life, but addiction is not a season, is it? It is on going.

I don't have anything else to say.....perhaps tomorrow morning will bring a better day.

[Sugah]

I can relate to everything you've just said, and yet, I'm standing on this side of it, so much at peace in my recovery. I know I stood where you are now and know the sadness. It almost feels foreign, but it's not. What stands between the two sides? A drink? A pill? A line? I don't think that's it.

The best I've ever been able to come up with, in my own experience and listening to that of others is willingness. I never signed a year-long contract, let alone a lifetime contract. I just committed, one day at a time, to being willing to do whatever it took for that 24 hr period not to pick up. Sometimes, it meant borrowing someone else's faith when I didn't have my own. It definitely involved laying down my own will. Entertaining the idea that I might not have all the answers. Still don't have all the answers.

A big part of it was accepting that it all doesn't revolve around me and that sometimes, the best thing I can do to forget about my troubles is to reach out and try to help someone else. Made no sense to me for a long time -- how could I help myself by helping someone else? But it works. Simple things like that. Oh, and the big one -- learning to live emotionally in the present moment, and when I have trouble doing that, asking someone else to help me do it.

I don't know what it will take for you. Willingness is a good place to start. Without it, I don't know that any of us get very far, and that's the part I don't think anyone can help us with. It's between us and whatever god we can find to guide us. In all other matters, we can find help, but the willingness is up to us.

I'll say a prayer for you that you find what you need. I have no doubt that tomorrow will bring a better day. If you're willing, you'll see it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ccgirl]

Oh, Tina, the fact that you agonize over this a lot tells me what I think you already know. You are an addict.

[newsandi]

For me personally, I never was concerned about my drug use, I thought it was ok and up until the actual day that I decided I was going to quit was the day I stopped. I didnt even ponder the idea of it, I just started crying and I told myself you are done with these evil pills. I didnt have one more prescription to go out with a bang, I just had enough. It has to start within yourself, you have to want it and want it bad. Period. Nothing more nothing less. I dont agree with needing meetings and the steps but I am a minority. I think if you want it and if you are coming on here you are realizing its a problem, you are atleast realizing you need to do something. We all have problems that cause us to continue our use or to want to go back but life has its ups and downs and believe me, you can take care of problems better not being buzzed then being buzzed. It took me getting clean to confront some of my major issues in life and I am actually making leadway. Good luck to you. I know SR has helped me in numerous ways to keep me taking my sobriety into my future.

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by Movin On

I fear that I'll have to go to jail or lose my family or perhaps die. I am so complacent with my recovery. I have some anger issues that I can't seem to think clearly about or pinpoint the real reason for my anger. I am just reckless at times and don't know when the insanity will stop. I really don't want to die this way.

Hi Movin ON:

What is making you angry and frustrated?

Peace.

[tennchick9598]

Just wanted to say you have always been kind to me, MO, and you are in my prayers, and good thoughts. I wish the best for you.....

[Movin On]

I don't know what I'm angry about. Whether it's my current situation, my past losses or just that I don't like the person I am today......maybe all of them.

It is so easy to take a pill and forget the above. But, I can't keep going on like this forever.....change is hard for all of us and I am no different. Every single tragic event in my life has been the result of something happening (I had nothing to do with it)...for once in my life, if I could just step out if faith, take a stand about my life, risk failure, then change would come.

I'm just a very mixed up person that functions everyday and it's a sad way of living. It's not living. Don't get me wrong -- I charish my time with my family and friends but it's when I'm alone at night and all the thoughts are in my head and all the fear and anger that I go insane.

I'm tired. My anger may be at God, I don't know. I was much happier when I had my son, my mom and dad around. Life was harder because I had to care for my parents, but there was joy in that. My son gave me joy -- I worried so much about him but just to see him smile and hear his stories about his day -- man -- that was priceless.

But I can't go back....this is a new chapter in my life and I just don't want it to end like this. I feel worthless right now. Maybe I need to go be a bell ringer in front of the Walmart this year, or volunteer at a old folks home, but then I'd feel like I'm putting my real problems off by not facing them. Someone said don't put anything in front of your recovery. If that's the case then I have so much to work on before I can be of help to anyone.

Okay....then there is that side that says, lighten up. Chill out. Don't be so uptight about everything. Well....which is it?

Can someone tell me where to begin? It's nice and warm and comfortable around family, friends, sr friends, but I'm not surrounded by that all day long and it's when I'm alone that I see myself as a very scared, weak individual. No confidence. And....confidence is so important. I can fake confidence -- but it's nothing but a put on.

I'm trying to think of the last time I just belly-laughed! Just laughed so hard that my sides hurt. I want that peace that passeth all understanding.

I know as I write this that no one out there has the answer....but I am thankful that you will at least listen.