Insanity!

[2ala2]

What's funny is that I do not always practise what I preach.
Here's what I want to share:
for the past 2 months or so I have been in an online contact with someone trying to get off drugs. It has been a nightmare and they have been in total denial.
It was very frustrating talking to the disease and not being able to get through when all the facts were staring them in the face. The insanity in step 2 was very clear!
The question for me is when to let go. I believe I got way too involved in hours and hours of conversation desperately trying to make them think in a certain way: if only they could see it my way. I know now that I was trying to control a situation which I had absolutely no control over. It leaves me angry and frustrated. Not a good place to be for me at this point in my recovery.
I was trying to 'save' that person when reality I cannot even save myself, that's up something far greater!
I needed to put that in writing in order to see my insanity.

[Brewster]

Maybe you recall some of my earlier posts when I said I'm with a small group of people that support each other in our recovery.. There are so many in my area that are abusing prescription drugs and over time we have brought others into the group. This was done because we came to feel that key to helping us, was helping others. Thats worked pretty well so far, but there have been a couple of people that we have like you, have found to require an enormous amount of energy and yet continue in their ways.

With some people there seems to come a point where they challenge or dare you to keep on helping them. In our discussions about these people we remembered that for each addict seeking recovery, there must come a time when they really want it. For some this time is yet to come.

They realize there is a problem, and they are considering recovery, but they don't seem to want to make a full commitment.

Like you I want a perfect world, where everyone pulls out of the downward spiral, but some people just aren't ready yet. You give them a hard push and hope that turns on a light in their heads. Some people respond well. Others have to go to jail or have some other bad event occur before the switch turns. Possibly this kind of event will put an exclamation point on their journey so that they eventually have the tools and experience to help others who go to jail or experience a grave event as a result of addiction. For these people, maybe our purpose is push them a few degrees off the course towards destruction. Perhaps the great one has other plans for them.

As for a hard and fast rule, I don't have one other than this: I want to help others, but I also have to maintain and leverage the benefits of my own recovery for those in my life I am responsible to and for. So I guess when helping someone else begins to impinge on my own recovery, thats where I have to draw the line.

I'm not sure this is even close to the right way to handle this but it's the premise I'm working from now.

[ccgirl]

Ala, I admire you for even trying. I'm no way near the point where I could help anyone else. I'm still working on myself and keeping myself sober. Maybe it's too early in your recovery and you're still too raw and emotional.

Or, maybe the person you were trying to help was not really ready to be helped. I commend you for trying. Maybe you need to step back from it a little and make sure you're safe. After all, none of us can help anyone else unless wer'e stable and steady.

Nice to see you posting.

[tennchick9598]

YOu are a good person ala, just remember that, trying to help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are always a help to me, for one, on here

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by 2ala2

What's funny is that I do not always practise what I preach.
Here's what I want to share:
for the past 2 months or so I have been in an online contact with someone trying to get off drugs. It has been a nightmare and they have been in total denial.
It was very frustrating talking to the disease and not being able to get through when all the facts were staring them in the face. The insanity in step 2 was very clear!
The question for me is when to let go. I believe I got way too involved in hours and hours of conversation desperately trying to make them think in a certain way: if only they could see it my way. I know now that I was trying to control a situation which I had absolutely no control over. It leaves me angry and frustrated. Not a good place to be for me at this point in my recovery.
I was trying to 'save' that person when reality I cannot even save myself, that's up something far greater!
I needed to put that in writing in order to see my insanity.

One thing I always remind myself is that to change someone requires them to lie.
So if I am trying to change someone I'm asking them to lie to me.
Eventually they will, and then I'll feel betrayed for them lying to me.

So I've learned to not try and change someone or their feelings, but to let them get their on their own time (or I try to do it that way, lol).
It doesn't work any other way, for me anyway.

I think I can relate to what you described up there, there have been times when I've gotten so wrapped up in trying to help or wanting so bad to help someone else get better that I extend myself way to much, and it affects me more than them.
Now I take a step back before I get there. When I feel myself getting to emotional I pull away, which may not be good, but otherwise it affects my recovery too much, because I want to help them too much.
One day I'll find a better balance.

Learning when to let go is hard I can totally relate, I think we have to learn to be a little more selfish than we are used to. I know I feel selfish, but do what you have o do to take care of you first.



JMO:comfort

[tennchick9598]

are you feeling better today? I sure hope so becuase you are always a help to us, here. In my thoughts and prayers.

[Gmoney]

When reading this thread, two things come to mind:

[1] Recovery (a program, or whatever) is for those who want it, not those who need it.

[2] We can only carry the message, not the addict.

Since steps are mentioned, I share my experience and understanding on this topic. I can see how step 2 relates, but for me the 1st step has to always be practiced. I'm powerless (not helpless or hopeless) over my own addiction, so I'm certainly powerless over someone else's. And no matter how much I can identify with what they may be feeling or going through, I must always remember that their recovery is their responsibility just like mine is my own. I can't make them see what I see, nor can I give them the recovery I have. I earned mine and they have to do the work to get to where they need to be just like I did. No one saved me...they helped me to save myself. First I had to get honest. I had to become open-minded. I had to become willing to go to any lengths. Willingness means nothing without following it up with action. I can sit in the chair talking about how willing I am to go get groceries, but the groceries won't get done as long as I'm sitting in the chair. I'll always help those who reach out for help, but once I see they're making excuses, start comparing, challenging, or looking for the "easier, softer way"...I back up and leave them to their own devices.

Like Brewster said...some folks just aren't ready yet. I have to remember my own story. I have to remember when no one could tell me how to do it or what to do. I have to remember when I thought it was "only this drug" or "only that drug" and when I was resistant to going to meetings or meeting new (clean) people. I've heard it all...all the excuses. I heard them from my own lips. I couldn't go to meetings because of this or that. Addiction removed all the barriers. I was too afraid to ask for help. Funny...I wasn't too afraid to cop. It goes on and on...

It took me a long time to get ready. Each time I "thought" I was ready and had reached a bottom, I went back and found I could always fall further. Fortunately, I had to become desperate. For me, desperation was a gift that allowed me to follow direction. I had to want recovery so badly that I'd do whatever it took to get it. There was no more picking and choosing. The same applies for those who ask for my help. The 12th step tells us to carry the message that recovery is possible - not carry the addict and force-feed recovery. We share how it works for us...that's it.

"If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps....."

I'm not so blunt, but some tell them that if they're not sure...come back when you are.

[2ala2]

Thank you all for your immensly valuable suggestions. It's great to know that I am not alone. I will let go. I have done more than I should have.

[Brewster]

Originally Posted by 2ala2

Thank you all for your immensly valuable suggestions. It's great to know that I am not alone. I will let go. I have done more than I should have.

That's too bad. I understand your desire to help. Still, it's quite possible your efforts have had a positive impact.

[jane_668]

You may never know what impact you had on on that person.You may have simply kept him alive.However,if you think that you're too much emotionally envolved that it effects your recovery then simply step back.Some people may never be ready not even hitting rock bottom.It's hard to see someone slip away but that's life.You have to take care of Yourself First.

[2ala2]

You're right Jane. Recovery should be selfish!
Only God keeps people alive. We are but mere insignificant creatures in His world.
Good fortune with your struggles and please keep posting..

[Sugah]

ala, I'm going to contradict you. Recovery can't be selfish and still be recovery! You did what you thought was right in extending your hand. I just came from the "Control Freak" thread -- and you said there, "have to DO my part and then let God do His." BINGO! You carried the message. If that message was heard (and I think they all are), the next action step belongs to the recipient, if s/he's willing to take that next step. If in selfishness you kept your E, S & H to yourself, there'd be no seeds to take root when & if they were ready.

A woman came to see me when I was twenty years old and hurting really bad. She spent some time with me, picked me up that evening and took me to a meeting, and then I went back out to try it for another fourteen years. It was her words that came back to me all those years later. She didn't chase me down, didn't call me every day on the phone to make sure I was sober, but neither did she deny me the benefit of her experience.

I wanted so badly to share the gift of my recovery that at 90 days clean, I detoxed a woman in my living room. She stayed with me for a month, slept all day, ate my food, invited her friends over, and at the end of the month, when I told her it was time for her to take some action (and get the hell off my sofa), she promptly latched onto a guy and went back out. She wasn't ready then, but in my blind desire to help her, I didn't know that. It's now almost five years later, and I've heard she's been clean about six months or so. I'm not taking credit for her six months -- on the contrary! I would not repeat that experience. I was so overzealous, I didn't fully understand the medical ramifications and there are facilities that would have helped her if she chose to go. I was trying, at the time, to conquer her reservations -- not wanting to go to a detox, not wanting to come clean to her family, etc -- and make her get clean instead of letting her know that when she ran out of excuses, I'd help the best I could.

I hope you don't think the experience is wasted, ala. Learn from it, please try not to be bitter, and keep putting one foot in front of the other! Lots will want what you have.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[2ala2]

Lol, well Sugah, I really don't know I f i agree with you entirely. You do have a point, provided, that I am 'competent' enough, if you will allow me to say that, to reach out and help. I feel, still, somewhat raw (I am 9 months clean today by the grace of God) and celebrating at my meeting tonite. What I meant is that I have to help myself before I help another..
I am so grateful to ALL of you.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by 2ala2

What I meant is that I have to help myself before I help another..
I am so grateful to ALL of you.

That's a given! But that's not selfish!

Happy Birthday, ala.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[jane_668]

Please let me present the contrary view point.That's the view point of an active addict if I'm entitled to.For me helping an addict is considered a help even if he's not fully 100% clean.You may have at least have shown him that there's options other than using.He may not take this advice today but for sure he will never foorget it and probably at one time he'll refer back to it.YOu don't have to get the addict clean it's enough to even tell him that there's a life without addiction and it's hell beautiful.You can give him hope.Addiction is very hard to fight especially denial.If you tried to help an addict and he didnot get clean that doenot mean your effort went pointless.On the contrary you may have moved something in him.It took me 3 full years to know that I had a problem and now I listen and admit that I have it due to a very special friend who knows himself,Jane68 and others here on SR who never gave up.Today I'll go for a meeting for the first time in my life because of them.I was isolated,estranged and in self-pitty.They were there for me when I didnot even even want anyone and now though I'm not perfectly clean I'm looking forward for recovery.So thanks 2ala and others like you who dared to help hopless fragile human beings.
Sometimes the reward is not just earthly but heavenly too.The point is you tried to give back what someone once gave you.3

[Jane63]

{{jane}}...Did I read that right? Your going to your first meeting today?? That is wonderful, amazing and I am smiling a huge smile for you right now! Please post on your thread later and let us know how things went! Keep your ears, heart and mind open to what they have to offer! Best wishes sweetie!!

ala...I am sorry you had a rough time but so many here can relate and share such wonderful ESH!
I know I had to "step back" quite a few times in early recovery. I was just still so raw and not totally healed spiritually! It is OK, OK? Take care of youself right now and give back when you feel up to it!
{{HUGS}}
Jane

[NEEDTOBESOBER]

I can relate to trying to help someone, I tryed to save my son from drugs, especially weed and xanax thru his teenage yrs - 12-18 yrs old all the while not realizing I had drinking problem and xanax addiction, thank god I finally got help and my son finally got straitened out cause he had a son and got married making him more responsible he is now 19 w/ a 3 month old baby boy and doing well working for a furniture store.

[NEEDTOBESOBER]

I also learned you cant help anyone else until you help yourself first.

[Alera]

Congrats on the 9 months 2ala2.