Seeking Effection

[jane_668]

I guess now that I am 15 days tramadol clean I fugured out something very important.It may be dull and silly to most but to me that's what fired my addiction.I have a schizphranic mother who is in agr8 deal of deial.Dad donn wann asend here to any institution because he loves her to death.but the bottom point is that I grew up without nay mother but with an amazing father.He to offer love by being there for us and supporting us finnancially to the maximum.Some even say he spolied us.Byt despite all,I never wanted anything from this life except a loving mother, a normal mom who I could share with her my ups and downs.I tried to fill thisvoid with drugs and it worked for a certain time but eventually Ihad to quit drugs and now I feel the hole bigger,I need nothing from life except her.I feeel so lonely and so estranged and that I belong to no one.I was just wondering maybe what I di with my dad was just punishing him for putting me in such a situation.Nothing can fill this void,this emptiness maybe except death.Now i sober upto face the same thing.I want to share with her my storie,I wanna tell her when I ma happy,sad,terrified.I don't know if what I'm feeling is rtelated to Traamdol WD but I fel soo depressed.I just need someone to rely on and someone to tell me it's ok things will be ok.I know there's no Cinderlla's nor happily lived after.But I don't know what to feel.I just feel sad and sick of life.I feel like a Zombie.I feel like I've lost interestin anything in life.Before my life was so full of enthusiasm,happiness when I was high.I could fill this feeeling with something.Maybe I shouldnot sober.Maybe sometimes addiction do help a person.Who knows.I'm still on Neltrexone.Sorry for that........

[ccgirl]

Have you tried one on one counselling? Long standing issues with a parent, even if you can rationalize them, can erode away at a person. I had a mother with similar issues and it took years of therapy to realize that she wouldn't/couldn't change and I had to learn to live my life well, without her.

And no, addiction is not the way to go through life. It could or probably will kill you eventually.

[newsandi]

Jane, I am sorry for your pain but know that you are not alone. I know for me personally, I have issues with my AS and it makes it soooo hard to focus on our own sobriety, when we have major issues in our lives that are just now coming to surface. I think when we are high we dont feel the feelings that we feel when we are sober. I know that I am less productive now then when I was using but I also believe that it will get better in time. I am fighting depression and lack of motivation more then ever but I also know that I am not a prisoner to the pills anymore. I am free from wondering where I am going to get them, what doctor I can play and then where is all the money going to come from. So, we have to look at the posititve sides to this and know it will get better. Just hang in there with us all and we will be here for you. Some days are better then others. If I just get my sorry a## up and in the shower I feel so much better. We are all just a click away.

[Jane63]

Hi {{jane}}...I too have a parent who is suffering from a mental illness, although it only started getting really bad in the last 4-years so I did have him most of my life...just not now.
I can relate to those feelings of wanting to share stories, to just sit and chat and not being able to do that. It hurts...plain and simple and there is nothing you can do about it other than to move on with your own life.
Do what you can for your Mother but stick close and be there to comfort your other family members who are probably feeling much like you do.

Have you discused your depression with the DR prescribing you the Naltrexone? Maybe he could offer you some options like counsiling or medication?

Also, you are still in the healing process...give your body and mind some more time and try to be patient. You did not get addicted overnite and you will not heal that way either. Be strong and focused but please try to be more patient with yourself!
{{HUGS}}
Jane

[Orele]

The love from a mother is unlike anyother, it can be so strong it'll get you through many hardships and suffering. But as you said sadly your mum wasn't there but that's because she's not well mentally, if she was I'm sure she would give you so much unconditional loving. Don't take it out on your dad, he's done nothing wrong (from what you typed) he has however been there and supported you guys. Use him to fill the void, spend time with him and enjoy life with him don't punish him for something he has no control over.
Now you're facing plain old reality it is boring, especially after you've been using. I assume you're isolated? Don't have many friends? That's what happens with drugs you shut people away and all you really care about is your next fix. You need to work out what you have to do with the gap that has been created, I hope you work out what it is.

[tennchick9598]

Jane, I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I have a horrible relationship with my mom. I get a guilt trip about what a "bad kid" I was every time we talk, its so dysfunctional its not even funny. I love her, but she is so wrapped up in herself, she cant squeeze me in, and its hard for her to understand addiction. Man 38 days tram free, YOU ROCK!!!!!!! I am truly inspired by your will and for what its worth, you are VERY special to me. I feel a kinship because of our Drug of Choice. You are a wonderful person that anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. You are sooooo loved here by all of us, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am praying for you and yours...... All my love

[jane_668]

Thanks all for your responses.I was having some blue moments.My material life is very good and I have in life everything except the thing that I want most which isa mom.I used to envy all these girls who used to tell me I have to tell mom this and that.I learned to hide my emotions and keep them to myself because you can't share with anyone what you can ahare with ur mom.And now I mis her most.I want her to be around and tell me that things will be ok.That I'm not a bad daughter and that I will have adifferent life.I want to her jsut to hug me and say it's ok you can do it.Sorry guys for all my bullshit.I just wanted to write and express what I feel inside maybe i can someday get over it.

[Jane63]

It's OK {{jane}}...everyone goes through those blue moments now and then!:comfort I am really sorry about the situation with your Mother and I hope that someday you can work through it.
I often think that I may need some sort of counseling from dealing with my mentally ill Father and will probably seek that out as time goes on...actually I think my whole family could benefit from it.

Now you're facing plain old reality it is boring, especially after you've been using. I assume you're isolated? Don't have many friends? That's what happens with drugs you shut people away and all you really care about is your next fix. You need to work out what you have to do with the gap that has been created, I hope you work out what it is.

"Orele" made a good point here. I isolated alot during my active addiction and once in recovery, had to make some changes.
Seems making friends is not as easy as when we were little kids but once you get the knack of it, there are good, true friendships to be found!

Also, this is the season of giving and there are all kinds of little {or big} things you can do to make a difference in someone else's life which in turn will give you some peace as well!
Check around your city or town...there are lots of people in need this time of year!

Hang in there girl!
{{HUGS}}
Jane

[Alera]

Originally Posted by jane_668

.I learned to hide my emotions and keep them to myself because you can't share with anyone what you can ahare with ur mom.And now I mis her most.I want her to be around and tell me that things will be ok.That I'm not a bad daughter and that I will have adifferent life.I want to her jsut to hug me and say it's ok you can do it.Sorry guys for all my bullshit.I just wanted to write and express what I feel inside maybe i can someday get over it.

When I first came to SR I came because I was considering detox and I could not go if they did not let me bring my little stuffed animal. Why? Because I had a mother like yours and the stuffed animal was the only one that I can talk to with all the things most people share with their mothers.

This made early recovery hard because all emotions are raw. Just knowing and being able to talk to others in recovery about having raw emotions helped me a lot.

[Jane63]

When I first came to SR I came because I was considering detox and I could not go if they did not let me bring my little stuffed animal

OMgosh! I remember that post you made so long ago Alera, because I replied right away saying that I had dealt with the same thing upon entering rehab!

They wouldn't let me have the little stuffed animal my daughter gave me for Mothers Day when she was little and that I still sleep with to this day!!
{*It really sucked having to go to the nurses station to 'visit' that stuffed animal and I felt like a real idiot, but I survived! Glad we BOTH did!*}
HUGS
Jane

[Jane63]

{{Jane}}...How did things go today hun?

[Jane63]

*BUMPING up this thread*

[Sugah]

I can totally relate to what Alera is saying. I am a thirty-nine year old woman who spends every night in a queen-size bed w/my husband, but I still sleep with a stuffed puppy dog.

My mother was wrapped up first in my father's alcoholism, and when he "put the plug in the jug," she was wrapped up in his misery (he never sought recovery). When I got sober at thirty-four, I was hoping for a closer relationship with her, but by that time, she was already in early dementia. Now, it's as though I'm mothering her instead of the other way around. I'm very affectionate with my children, my husband, my friends, but I agree -- nothing really replaces what we think a mother-daughter relationship should be.

You know what I think? I think we create these ideal situations in our minds and then compare our experiences with them, when in reality, there's a huge spectrum of experience and few people have relationships that live up to our ideal.

If you have a need for intimacy and affection, how about a cat? Or a collection of stuffed animals? Or volunteering at a nursing home? Accepting that the past wasn't as we would have liked it to be and dealing with the present and what we can do to meet our own needs helps us to move forward. I hope you can find what it is that will meet your needs today.

Peace & Love,
Sugah