Third time lucky?

[Orele]

I'm now going to have my third attempt at getting of Heroin and as the title says I hope it's true.
I've been using heroin for about 7 years now with a few breaks in between. My first time I became clean was around 2002, I started a subutex treatment from a place called CDU (chemical dependancy unit). It didn't last long, I think I went for 12 weeks before I just stopped. It did work, I was clean for a short period of time but then I stopped taking my subutex and started selling them to buy my drug of choice and CDU didn't even notice.
The second time I moved away from my area with a few DF118's and did it, I was clean for 2 years, up until near the start of this year when I stupidly lapsed and of course relapsed.
Now, well this time, I hope it happens. I just don't want to be clean for 2 years or however long and go through the same cycle again, I want to be clean for life. No matter what though unlike last time with CDU where I lied to them and myself, I'm going to be honest.
So, tomorrow is my first appointment at the drug treatment clinic, the name has changed and so has the system. Last time it took nearly 6 weeks for me to even get step foot in the clinic now, because the state realised that people were dying waiting it's much faster. I went to DIAS last Friday (16/11) and got a call from the clinic last Monday, very fast, to see me this Friday tomorrow. I hope I have my tolerence test early next week.
Well thanks for reading, if anyone wants to ask anything feel free.

[ccgirl]

I don't have any questions, but if you've read Northbelle's threads, she's had a really difficult time with heroin. I think she called it soul sucking. I only wish you well.

[exjunky]

Your story sounds a lot like my story.

Everybody talks about "one day at a time" and they think that means "I'm unable to promise what happens tomorrow, but for today, I promise that I am clean." And they are right, but it means so much more than that.

There's a flip-side to the "one day at a time" motto that is rarely discussed. Since we're unable to predict or control will happen tomorrow, don't promise yourself a relapse. Just like you can't promise yourself you'll be clean in the future, don't promise yourself that you'll use in future. Don't think it terms of "I've been so good, I deserve a reward." I think you know what I mean.

Anyhow, I guess what I'm really saying is: don't give up the fight. I know you must have met people who gave up the fight, and just look at them. That's nothing we want to become.

[Orele]

Yeah I understand what you mean, I'll just keep at it hell I've done it once before I can do it again.
I'll have a look at the topic you mentioned and heroin is soul sucking, it takes the life out of you mentally and physically.
It went okay today I was asked the usual questions about my habbit, gave a urine sample and was told to come back a week Monday. I wasn't too happy at that but I can't complain, I hope to stop using within two weeks. Well I guess it gives me a chance to cut back on my daily intake, which in turn should mean I actually take less subutex when I do start it.
Gah, it's been a long a tiring day, I've not had anything so far and it's 18:40 I feel like sh!t, I had a eye test and didn't want to go there with pinned pupils. Heh, I need to wear glasses now.

[tennchick9598]

Just wanted to say I wish you the very best and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers, would post more, but i dont feel too good right now....much love

[Dragonfly821]

Did you happen to notice what time you posted? I think that means third time will be a charm.

The only thing I know I've learned for sure after this last bout of drug addiction is that I am an addict forever. I didn't fully realize that the time before. I thought enough time had gone by that I could handle it. Man it sucked to have to go through it again.

You are taking the right steps. Continue to reach out, it helps so much.

[Orele]

03:33 pm! I really hope you're right. I'm so anxious to stop using I'm so tired of depending on this stuff just to function normally and normal is something I have little memory of now. I really hate it everytime I make that phone call, next Monday is my assessment I don't know after then when my tolerance test will start I just hope it's soon.
Although medication will make the fight a lot easier I'm well aware I will have to struggle and as lame as this sounds, right now I don't feel as if I have much fight left within me. I won't however quit so easy, I'll do all that I can, god why do I feel so damn tired every day?

[kelsh]

Hi,

I am a alcoholic in recovery so don't know much about drugs except what others have told me and what I have read.

I am so glad you came to Sober Recovery and have been so honest about where you are and that you want to quit your drug of choice. It is good they have a medication to help you.

Please remember to take care of yourself day to day. I hope time goes fast for you until you get all the testing done.

kelsh

[ThaNinja]

Good Luck, as long as you are working on it you are moving forward. Progress!

[exjunky]

Originally Posted by Orele

right now I don't feel as if I have much fight left within me.

Man I know that feeling. Isn't it weird, when you have a habit your life is one constant state of urgency... you're always motivated, gotta get that money for that next fix! Making moves, making deals, life is nonstop action. Then when you get clean, you find yourself just moping around feeling sorry for yourself. Where'd all that motivation go?

That's why I think it's so important to find something to fill the void. Easier said than done of course, but you have to try.

[Carrie]

Best of luck to you orele. I can't imagine how rough it is to get off of heroin. I am also on subutex for a morphine addiction. I am now two weeks clean. (If I can say I am clean while taking sub, I don't know since it's replacement therapy). You know the sub works as you've been on it already. Looking forward to reading your posts when you get on the sub and have stopped using. You can do this again and this time you can make it stick. Take care.

[Orele]

^ It's great to read you've been "clean" as you put it, I know fundamentally it is replacing one thing with another but you shouldn't look down upon it. You've done something most people in your situation would have had so much trouble doing and you know how much you had to struggle, don't even have negitative thoughts about it. Also I have no idea where you were getting your meth from but it takes away the factor of it being mixed with something else. A girl not too far from my area was found dead in a doorway because rat poison was used to cut her heroin.... you have no idea what's in that bag/meth.
Exjunky, I just feel drained emotionally and physically but I'm not clean yet and what you mentioned is something my DIAS worker has addressed and we're working it out what it is I have to do with my void (I'll let you guys know when I work it out, might take a while, at 26 years old I still have no idea at all what I want to do with my life). I don't do what you mentioned though I only pick up once a week and that's it, I make it last, no running around gathering money or making phone calls. I do however understand exactly what you mean and apart from that void there will also be another, the one of losing the effect the drug had although at this time I don't think it'll be much of a loss to me =]
Even today when I woke up and knew what I had to do it really got to me, I lay in bed close to tears, I hate smoking this stuff there is no enjoyment left, nothing, no pleasure at all. I hope subutex day comes fast, until then I'm going to reduce how much I use.
Kelsh and Ninja thanks for your words, I'll just take everyday as it comes.

[Orele]

Sorry about the double post, but instead of making a new topic I thought I'd just add on this. Oh are some posts missing? I'm sure there were more than what I see right now.
Anyways I had my assesment today it went fine I was kinda suprised when the doctor said my chest is very clear as I smoke and it sounded really bad last week.
So I'm to start my tolerance test(s) tomorrow and I've opted for Subutex rather than Methadone my co-worker said something like, "if you want to carry on using and get high Methadone is a great choice" and that's something I'd rather not do so it's the subs.
I had my last smoke about 3 hours ago everything is gone I'm not gonna pick up ever again, deleted all the numbers and just gonna give it my all. Gah, even though I know Subutex does the job I'm still somewhat apprehensive, well I need to keep myself occupied during this week and a half.
Alright, I just to keep my head down and my feet up :0

[exjunky]

Yes I think some technical problem smashed a bunch of posts here. Oh well, I read most those posts, believe me the world of recovery literature will recover from the loss ;-)

Anyhow it's great that you're bracing yourself for subutex. Let us know how it goes.

[Orele]

I shouldn't though as from past exp I know it works fine it sounds stupid but part of it's to do with kinda stopping my DOC. I don't know what's really going through my head right now, well yeah let you know, thanks for the interest. Now I better go to sleep before I say something I'll regret, getting really irritated at the smallest things....
Peace.

[tennchick9598]

Just thinking of you and wishing you the very best in your recovery. You are an awesome person from what I can tell, and I know you can do it. I have to do it too, we can do it together!!!! This disease can be BEAT!!!! IT SUCKS, and it drains the life out of us. I am with you all the way, sending hope and hugs

[Aducksdelight]

Hey Orele,
I am a heroin addict as well and I start day treatment tomorrow (I am not on any other medications, I kicked cold turkey, again...) and I know what that feels like to have a habit where you no longer even fathom what normal feels like. I am trying to get help for myself (I have 9 days today) and I wish you the best of luck! We're all in this one together

[Orele]

Thanks for the support, yes tennlady it is a disease, whatever your reasons for using in the first place no one wants to be addicted, no one wants to go through the pain and suffering not only the pain users go through but also your loved ones. It's not easy to watch from the sidelines when someone you love is going through emotional and physical hell.
Sispeer try to have a 12 hour gap before you have your first dose of Subutex, if you have less the Subutex will "kick" the remaining drugs in your system and you could go through rapid withdrawls. They've not mentioned reduction yet as the first step is to get on a suitable dose and make sure you are stabilised upon Subutex, the first time I had Subutex treatment it was the reduction that messed me up I mentioned this to the doctor and he said we will do a slow reduction, but that's yet to come right now it's getting the right dose.
Okay so I said I'll be honest and yeah I'll get right to the point, I used about 1 hour ago. Do I feel bad about it? Yes and no, yes because I was weak I couldn't handle a little pain but I have about 4 kids (not mine thankfully!) running circles around me and the way I was getting very, very irritated at them. Not much of an excuse but it's the truth. My co-worker told me that he couldn't stop me using and he had a strong suspicion that I would, he even knew the dose I took today was very low but it's a tolerance test and it's better to make mistakes now than later.
So today I was booked in for 10.30 am I arrived at 10.50.... I'd used the night before at roughly 7pm so a good 15 hour gap and as you should know heroin makes you constipated. I woke up well in time but hadn't known my bowels would be going crazy. It wasn't nice, I had cold sweats and was hanging on to the toilet seat for a good 20 minutes. When I got to HMST they didn't seem to bothered so I just took a seat, sweat was quite visable at this point and I was yawning away with watery eyes, I must have looked a mess. I was given 4mg of Subutex and it didn't help at all, I felt exactly the same as I did before the dose.... I was like this for a good 7 hours before I had a smoke and my eyes instantly pinned up, funny how quick it works. I only smoked enough to make me feel better, my legs still ache and I'm not high at all. Well I really hope they double the dose tomorrow, I'm gonna be 110% honest with my co-worker and tell him that I did use, something I'm not happy about. Tomorrow is another day, I just wish I was that little bit stronger.
If anyone has any questions feel free to ask, take care.

[ccgirl]

Good luck telling your co-workers. And you're right, it's a disease.

[Orele]

I was given 8mg today and about 1 hour later I was sweating and shivering like mad I phoned my co-worker and told him what's happening and he had no idea why I was having that reaction. I was told to go in and get more (2mg), I just got back from that I feel like sh!t. My legs ache, my lower back aches, I've got horrid cold sweats and I still have a bit of house work to do.
Sispeer you have your first dose of Subutex tomorrow? If so please try and have the largest gap you can, I'd actually suggest you don't smoke anymore today. I think my reaction was the Subutex "kicking" the drug out of my system (even though I had a 15 hour plus gap....) but it should have stopped by now, I can just about cope with the pain, I won't however smoke any. I don't go out after 6pm and it's getting near that time.
Oh I collapsed in the street today, the pain in my legs just got to much. People must have thought I was on drugs not tyring to get off them, I hope they increase my dose tomorrow. It should be easier, tonight isn't gonna be much fun I'm sure sleep won't come but I feel so knackered. **** it I bought this **** on myself if I have to suffer so be it.

[bvaljalo]

Orele:
You HAVE to stop using regular opioids or you'll never stabilize on the sub ... you'll keep experiencing precipitated withdrawals like you have been. Gotta tough it out brother. BTW, when I was switching over, I was doing like 24mg/day for the first few days. Kinda surprised at how little you're taking - it that by choice? Once I stabilized it was easy to bring it down to 8mg a day and after a short time going even lower was not painful at all. I think if your doctor agrees you should up your dose to get through the first few days, and you really have to quit the smack brother or it just isn't going to work...

[exjunky]

I agree with everything "the Dude" said, specifically

- If you're on a low dose, and it doesn't seem to be working, tell your doctor! I don't know about your doctor but mine was handing it out like candy.

- You can't try to get relief with opiates once you're on the subs-train. I'm not saying "you should not" I'm saying you "CAN NOT" ... it won't give you relief, it will just cause more pain. Once you volunteer to go this route, there's no easy way to turn back, sorry. That isn't a lie designed to trick you into quitting! It's a warning from one exjunky to another!

Originally Posted by Orele

I can just about cope with the pain, I won't however smoke any.

Not to be nosey, but that means you smoked heroin off a tin-foil right? Not that it matters much, I just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing here.