No Title - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Movin On · 10-30-2007, 07:45 PM

i just want to expess some of my fears about the mess i've gotten myself into, so those of you who are sick of me....just stop reading now.

it's not only not being able to stop the drug use, it's the constant stress over where i'm going to get the money to replace what i've done (without anyone noticing) and then where am i going to get the money to use again.

i am so depressed. i am my own worse enemy. daily i work but my mind is on my problems, i can't sleep because of it, i use too much klonapin to kill the pain of stress.

the money problem is big, but tonight this girl had some coke and i thought she called me over to her house to share what she had, because i always share. but i misunderstood her and she had purchased it for me and had to have the money back to the guy that sold it to her. here we are sitting around with some coke and of course i'd anticipated being able to use and she of course knew i would share, yet neither had the money to pay. she has no job, no money. i should have said that i misunderstood and that she could sell it to someone else, but i wanted it and so we did it and I have to have the money by tomorrow to pay for it. how stupid am i?

i called my sister, who lives up north, and does have money that she could help get me out of the larger financial situation, but i couldn't do it. i smalled talked with her and i just could not ask her for help. i wouldn't have lied about why i needed the money and i think she would probably help me this one time since i've never asked her for anything. I'm so ashamed that i couldn't ask.

i have a sponsor, i go to the 12 step meeting but i can't stop doing drugs and i'm just digging myself into a hole that is killing me.

please no lectures, please, i know what i need to do, but i just can't stop. i'm so discouraged because i know no one can help me and i don't think god will rescue me.

i don't expect any response because this site is about people trying to stay in recovery and i don't seem to fit the criteria.

Evanna · 10-30-2007, 08:00 PM

We are all addicts Movin On.

Lizrox · 10-30-2007, 08:08 PM

Moving on,

I heard this phrase in a movie a long time ago.. it stuck with me.

Can't means won't

I think you can stop. I just don't think your ready..

**Done-With-It** · 10-30-2007, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Movin On

i just want to expess some of my fears about the mess i've gotten myself into, so those of you who are sick of me....just stop reading now.

it's not only not being able to stop the drug use, it's the constant stress over where i'm going to get the money to replace what i've done (without anyone noticing) and then where am i going to get the money to use again.

i am so depressed. i am my own worse enemy. daily i work but my mind is on my problems, i can't sleep because of it, i use too much klonapin to kill the pain of stress.

the money problem is big, but tonight this girl had some coke and i thought she called me over to her house to share what she had, because i always share. but i misunderstood her and she had purchased it for me and had to have the money back to the guy that sold it to her. here we are sitting around with some coke and of course i'd anticipated being able to use and she of course knew i would share, yet neither had the money to pay. she has no job, no money. i should have said that i misunderstood and that she could sell it to someone else, but i wanted it and so we did it and I have to have the money by tomorrow to pay for it. how stupid am i?

i called my sister, who lives up north, and does have money that she could help get me out of the larger financial situation, but i couldn't do it. i smalled talked with her and i just could not ask her for help. i wouldn't have lied about why i needed the money and i think she would probably help me this one time since i've never asked her for anything. I'm so ashamed that i couldn't ask.

i have a sponsor, i go to the 12 step meeting but i can't stop doing drugs and i'm just digging myself into a hole that is killing me.

please no lectures, please, i know what i need to do, but i just can't stop. i'm so discouraged because i know no one can help me and i don't think god will rescue me.

i don't expect any response because this site is about people trying to stay in recovery and i don't seem to fit the criteria.

I'm confused as to what you wanted from this post, you say no lectures, you already assume you know me better than I know myself because you think since I'm in recovery I won't respond.
You just want to express some fears, but if you didn't want responses you wouldn't be posting on a message board.

Considering the mess you got yourself into tonight, I'd say you don't know it all.

I don't mean that mean, and I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want to see another sticky posted at the top of this board.

I'm sorry you got yourself into this mess, and I have no idea how to get out of it.
But I do think on some level you are trying to stay in recovery or you wouldn't be here. We get there when we get there. Your not stupid, you are an addict who just isn't there yet. Temptation of a bag of coke in front of anyone who loves coke, is enough to send anyone down with a straw.
You know what to do, no one's going to give up on you. Just keep trying, don't give up.
I'm sorry this is so hard for you. We really do care, don't kid yourself and think we don't. We do and we always will no matter what you get yourself into.

emmer · 10-30-2007, 08:40 PM

We are here for you MO ... always.

Movin On · 10-30-2007, 10:32 PM

i know i say i really want recovery, but i guess i don't or i would not be doing the things i do. you know i would love to make you all proud of me....which.....is so out of order....i should want to make myself proud first and formost. i really care more about what others think of me than i think of myself.

i won't quit posting and i won't lie about what's going on. it just feels really good to be honest even though the behavior is shameful.

i am so scared that i'll have to hit a horrible rock bottom. death doesn't scare me, but being some vegtable that my family has to care for, does bother me, or going to jail, or being homeless. all those things scare me, but why don't they scare me enough to quit?

maybe i'm just afraid to try because i'm afraid of failure. i know that what i'm saying is not unique....i'm sure EVERYONE'S heard all these things before.

i'm not proud of who i am right now. my mother, if she were still living, would not be proud....she'd love me and hurt for me....but she'd be very disappointed.

there is a part of me that wishes i could quit my job and go back to rehab and give this another shot. i use to think that if you're sick then you do whatever it takes to get well, but this disease is so complicated and the shame is overwhelming at times.

i promise you all, i'm not trying to be dramatic--i'm crying and hurting...not just because i'm in a mess but because of the way i feel -- very abnormal -- very low down -- a cheater, lier, two faced, not like a very good mother.

thanks for listening.

**Done-With-It** · 10-30-2007, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Movin On

i know i say i really want recovery, but i guess i don't or i would not be doing the things i do.

You know what, I wanted to get off of meth so freakin bad for so long before I did..
But I didn't know how... And now I say "I just did".. But before "I just did",
I honestly didn't know how, my brain just wasn't there, it wasn't that I didn't want to,
I did, and yes, I remember crying, I remember "cutting" myself with razor blades
because I was so mad at myself because I couldn't stop, I almost committed suicide because I thought at one time that was the only way to stop, I tried so many things,
I just didn't know how. I didn't do what you did tonight, but I did things like decide to make a pair of platform shoes 20 minutes before I was supposed to be at work, with an electric saw and a two by four, and then I'd call in late and say I got in a car wreck, cause I didn't know what else to say, Uh, I'm high on meth, and I'm sitting here with an electric jigsaw, a two by four, and my shoes, trying to make them into platforms?

How stupid is that? I mean, Hello..... And I felt horrible telling them I got into a car wreck, but I just didn't know what else to do or say, I didn't know why I was doing the things I was doing. And yes, I wanted to stop more than anything.
I didn't know how. And I hated myself as much as you can possibly hate yourself.

Then I was ready and figured out how when I was ready....

So I do believe you want to quit, I really do, your not a bad person, or an awful person, or trying to be dramatic, just a person who's a little lost and confused.
I think we've all been there....

Just don't give up wanting to quit.......

exjunky · 10-31-2007, 03:20 AM

I'll let you on a little secret. We're no better than you. Maybe we sometimes pretend that we are, but that's just a "useful lie" that we use to stay clean.

If you hear me brag about how long its been since I've used dope, and how great I'm doing, I'm just presenting a false image of myself, hoping that my own pride will cause me to emulate this lie that I'm presenting. We're no angels. I'm exactly one heroin-shot from turning back into the worst drug fiend you've ever seen in your life. You could take the most sparkling example of a recovered born-again person here, and I bet you they are not any different. Recovery is a razor's edge and we all know it.

So don't be fooled into thinking that you can't live up to the examples of people you see here. It's 99% BS anyhow.

Don't think you're losing the fight--nobody is keeping score. Don't give up the fight. The important thing is that you are fighting.

ccgirl · 10-31-2007, 05:22 AM

Movin - At least you admit it openly. Do you know how long that takes most addicts?

I don't have too much to say except when I read your posts I can hear the guilt and shame in your words. We've all been there.

Evanna · 10-31-2007, 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Movin On

i know i say i really want recovery, but i guess i don't or i would not be doing the things i do. you know i would love to make you all proud of me....which.....is so out of order....i should want to make myself proud first and formost. i really care more about what others think of me than i think of myself.

It is hard to care about ourselves when in the grip of active addiction. For me the caring about myself started after.

anvilhead · 10-31-2007, 07:27 AM

movin on......one of the things we learn as we start our journey to recovery is that we can't hang with people who USE drugs and expect to stay clean.....so we have to go about putting distance between ourselves and the people places and things that get us loaded...........that is something that is very much within our control.

start where you are today, and work forward from that......put down the shovel, quit digging, and start climbing out. we're all here to help......we've all been there........

windysan · 10-31-2007, 08:21 AM

hope you can get it together, man. good luck.

**Done-With-It** · 10-31-2007, 08:22 AM

How you doing today? Hang in there!!

Lizrox · 10-31-2007, 08:47 AM

movin on,

First I wanted to comment on the statement you made about this forum. This really is a SA forum, some of us are in recovery some are not.. You are a SA'user you DO fit the criteria for the forum. I started posting in this forum in July 2006.. I got clean in May 2007..

You said this

"i promise you all, i'm not trying to be dramatic--i'm crying and hurting...not just because i'm in a mess but because of the way i feel -- very abnormal -- very low down -- a cheater, lier, two faced, not like a very good mother."

You are feeling this way because you are using. When you stop..you begin to feel a little better slowly..

There is only so much Rehab can do for you. I went to rehab for 28 days. Met some great people, learned some things.. But when you get out recovery is up to you.. The stats on rehab suck. There was one guy in there; it was his 7th time... One guy had been to the Betty Ford clinic.. My roomate was on her 4th rehab stay and she was 23.. They say 97% of us will relapse..it's like WHY go to begin with?? BUT they added this. 93% will make it if we follow the qoute " five pillars of recovery"

1. medication
2. 90 meetings in 90 days
3. home group
4. sponser
5. therapy

Be careful of the darn Klonopin too. I hate talking about Benzos on this board.. but the benzos are WICKED drugs!!! When I was in that rehab they 'cold turkey'd" me off of the benzos; I got very sick.. I don't know if you read my posts about the HORRIBLE withdrawal I went through. No dr wanted to see me because of my darn history, my husband wouldn't let me see the pdoc that precribed me the benzos I was abusing.. Out of LIKE ALL the dr's and facilities I called 1 person would see me; and i had to spend 220.00$$

Recovery is up to you... and I believe you will know when you are ready..

Jane63 · 10-31-2007, 08:51 AM

{{Movin}} Wow girl, you sure have alot of supporters here!! What a blessing!!

I agree with what anvil posted...You've got to get away from the people who are going to enable you to still keep using! "Sharing" doesn't make them good friends...please believe that!! Those people who you call "friends" will only drag you down deeper into the thralls of addiction with them...and as the old saying goes, misery loves company!

I wish I had more advice for you on the financial matters. I had racked up quite a bill for meds I was buying online with our credit cards and various DR shopping excursions! Def. not proud of any of that but I just started paying them off, month by month, sometimes sending them small amounts and sometimes more when I had it.
And one day I could happily write "paid in FULL"!!! It is possible...anything is possible if you put your mind to it!

One question I do have...Why are you carrying this burden all on your own? You have a husband and family who could be helping you through this difficult time. That is what families are for!
Also, maybe you don't have the financial capability to go to rehab at this time but meetings and support-based groups are free! I would park my butt there and ask for all the help I could get!! {Just a thought!}

Well...hope something I posted helped. Keep reaching out {{Movin}}
~Jane

Movin On · 10-31-2007, 09:16 PM

I am going to change my cell phone number (at least call the company to see what i need to do). my family would be supportive of this.

someone asked why i carry this alone (without family) it's because it's not been that long ago that i came clean with them and restrictions were put on me (for my own good) and i am going through the steps they laid out for me, but it's absolutely INSANE, the things i've done, since then to get ahold of drugs. I've found ways to get it and i really can't tell them about this relapse again. they were very understanding this last time, but now......i don't think so.

i want to fix my mistakes and all the while stop doing the drugs. i can get this under control if i can just STOP using.

i think changing my cell phone number will stop alot of people from calling me. those that know where i work, i'll just have my calls screened. BUT.....the main thing is to not crave the drugs.

i feel like i can do it. i really do. i appreciate the support.

i can talk and talk about the past and why i do what i do.....talking about the past just hurts and brings up pain....i can't change it....so i just need to make CURRENT changes, keep going to the meetings, calling my sponsor and when the desire or craving comes to use.......i somehow have to get on my knee's and ask for god to remove it.

thanks for believing in me.

Sugah · 11-01-2007, 05:22 AM

"Made a decision"

Good for you. One foot in front of the other.

You're in my prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Hope · 11-01-2007, 01:06 PM

I'm thinking of you and I know the place where you are at. I feel the pain in your words. I was there. I am only one drink or drug away from returning to that place.

I will never give up on you. If you read all my old posts from my old user name you'd see how long it took me. I definitely did not get this when I first tried. But it put me closer to the place when I would get it. I finally got it only because I never gave up. I'll never forget the morning after a horrible binge and it was like someone reached inside of me and pulled out every spark of hope I had. I was sure that I would die this way. I almost wasn't able to get back up. I had almost given up... the guilt, shame, horror had overwhelmed my being and I layed there crying, shaking, and in so much pain. Somewhere something in me said if I can make it this day then I can try the next day. There was no way I could think about the rest of my life. Just that day. And I made it.

Having other people in recovery has been a huge part of my own recovery. I was in so much pain that I couldn't take one more second of it. But I was so weak and made a feeble attempt to reach out. The people who reached back to me is how I ended up getting my strength back and the hope that I could do this.

You are not alone. Don't quit trying. One thing I'd definitely say is cut ties with ALL people associated with using. Everyone. I did not quit using until I did that.

newsandi · 11-01-2007, 03:31 PM

I know for myself, I did alot of soul searching and told myself enough is enough and I pulled everybit of strength within myself and I have been taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. If I think about not every using again it would scare me to death but when I take it in little leaps, I know my body and mind gets stronger and stronger. I use this site to get the support. I went to my first NA meeting last Friday and I will go again tonite or maybe tomorrow nite and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. But your time will come and you will do it. Just being here means you care about yourself and admit you need to change. Good luck to you.

Movin On · 11-01-2007, 09:58 PM

i am doing alot of soul searching at this point. i'm finding that things are moving quickly.....not in a good direction per say, but things are happening that are making me think very carefully.

example: big coke bust in the news from a group of people from atlanta to knoxville and i have reason to wonder if the guy who i've seen before will be watched now...which of course, effects me.....if i chose to put myself in that situation.

another example: this other girl has been calling me, very down on her luck, lost her kids, drug addict, and she seems to have taken to me and has plenty of coke around. my experience has always been to purchase and get out of there. this girl has a boyfriend that supplies her and she just has rocks of it laying around and freely offers it. that scares the hell out of me. i've never been in that situation. i don't like drama and i don't want to get caught up in whatever may be happening, yet my god the temptation is certainly there like never before.

my thoughts are that this is going way too far and i need to separate myself ASAP! i hope that this bad feeling i'm getting is going to motivate me to a better way of living. i know that i'm a addict, but i don't want to go down those dark places this girl has been.

i'm not bragging about this....or seeing it as a great break.....someone that i can get coke from easily....not at this minute. but who know what i'll feel like tomorrow?

i'll tell you how i feel right now....i feel like i'm worth more than that. i feel like i need to rise above this and gather my senses and really avoid all contact with this individual. i still feel like i can be helped. i can get out of the financial mess, i can work on recovery before it's too late.

am i fooling myself?

i just have a bad feeling about some things. god, please pray for me. help me, help myself.

i can not express the urgency of this situation....i've just never been in this situation before.

PeachyClean · 11-01-2007, 10:19 PM

MovingOn,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. And I can tell you are suffering. Your circumstances can change for the better.....>You must want recovery.

Quote:

i don't like drama and i don't want to get caught up in whatever may be happening, yet my god the temptation is certainly there like never before.

I'm sorry to say.............> you seem like you are already caught up in all of that drama.

Quote:

i know that i'm a addict, but i don't want to go down those dark places this girl has been.

I didn't want to either.............> it was inevitable for me as I continued to "use". The more I "used" the worst the consequences became.

Quote:

i still feel like i can be helped.

Yes You Can. Start Today.

Movin On · 11-01-2007, 10:38 PM

okay....pray for me?

you're right....i have a good mind and i know what i need to do.....but this disease is clever.

i guess there is nothing left to say. the odd's are against me???? maybe. but i want to beat this. tomorrow will be a challenge. tonight i need to get a game plan and stick to it.

i think i need to avoid her phone calls, maybe even leave my cell phone at home. i need to stay close to family all weekend long. call my sponsor, share all this with her, maybe go to a meeting? i really don't like that. my 12 step group is good but the na/aa meetings......i don't feel comfortable.

in addition to prayer, can you think of anything else?

***Impurrfect*** · 11-01-2007, 10:51 PM

Movin on -

I have almost 8 months clean from crack, and I can tell you that I would have to cut all ties to that girl if I was in your situation. I would hope that I could say "no", but I won't even put myself in that position.

I live at the other end of that Knoxville-Atlanta bust (Atlanta)

10-30-2007, 07:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
Movin On Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 197	No Title i just want to expess some of my fears about the mess i've gotten myself into, so those of you who are sick of me....just stop reading now. it's not only not being able to stop the drug use, it's the constant stress over where i'm going to get the money to replace what i've done (without anyone noticing) and then where am i going to get the money to use again. i am so depressed. i am my own worse enemy. daily i work but my mind is on my problems, i can't sleep because of it, i use too much klonapin to kill the pain of stress. the money problem is big, but tonight this girl had some coke and i thought she called me over to her house to share what she had, because i always share. but i misunderstood her and she had purchased it for me and had to have the money back to the guy that sold it to her. here we are sitting around with some coke and of course i'd anticipated being able to use and she of course knew i would share, yet neither had the money to pay. she has no job, no money. i should have said that i misunderstood and that she could sell it to someone else, but i wanted it and so we did it and I have to have the money by tomorrow to pay for it. how stupid am i? i called my sister, who lives up north, and does have money that she could help get me out of the larger financial situation, but i couldn't do it. i smalled talked with her and i just could not ask her for help. i wouldn't have lied about why i needed the money and i think she would probably help me this one time since i've never asked her for anything. I'm so ashamed that i couldn't ask. i have a sponsor, i go to the 12 step meeting but i can't stop doing drugs and i'm just digging myself into a hole that is killing me. please no lectures, please, i know what i need to do, but i just can't stop. i'm so discouraged because i know no one can help me and i don't think god will rescue me. i don't expect any response because this site is about people trying to stay in recovery and i don't seem to fit the criteria. Last edited by Movin On; 10-30-2007 at 07:47 PM. Reason: by the way my wonderful family is watching tv and i can hear them laughing and it sounds so good but they just don't know the

10-30-2007, 08:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
Evanna Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Our house. Posts: 710	We are all addicts Movin On. __________________ I used to have a handle on life....but it broke off!

10-30-2007, 08:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
emmer The lion sleeps tonight Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 1,641	We are here for you MO ... always. __________________ Love conquers all.

10-31-2007, 03:20 AM	#8 (permalink)
exjunky Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Miami, FL Posts: 602	I'll let you on a little secret. We're no better than you. Maybe we sometimes pretend that we are, but that's just a "useful lie" that we use to stay clean. If you hear me brag about how long its been since I've used dope, and how great I'm doing, I'm just presenting a false image of myself, hoping that my own pride will cause me to emulate this lie that I'm presenting. We're no angels. I'm exactly one heroin-shot from turning back into the worst drug fiend you've ever seen in your life. You could take the most sparkling example of a recovered born-again person here, and I bet you they are not any different. Recovery is a razor's edge and we all know it. So don't be fooled into thinking that you can't live up to the examples of people you see here. It's 99% BS anyhow. Don't think you're losing the fight--nobody is keeping score. Don't give up the fight. The important thing is that you are fighting. __________________ Is addiction a disease, or a choice? Who cares about semantics? If it's a disease, cure thyself. If it's a choice, make the right one.

10-31-2007, 08:22 AM	#13 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,250 Blog Entries: 15	How you doing today? Hang in there!! __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

10-30-2007, 08:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
Lizrox Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 513	Moving on, I heard this phrase in a movie a long time ago.. it stuck with me. Can't means won't I think you can stop. I just don't think your ready..

10-30-2007, 10:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
Movin On Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 197	i know i say i really want recovery, but i guess i don't or i would not be doing the things i do. you know i would love to make you all proud of me....which.....is so out of order....i should want to make myself proud first and formost. i really care more about what others think of me than i think of myself. i won't quit posting and i won't lie about what's going on. it just feels really good to be honest even though the behavior is shameful. i am so scared that i'll have to hit a horrible rock bottom. death doesn't scare me, but being some vegtable that my family has to care for, does bother me, or going to jail, or being homeless. all those things scare me, but why don't they scare me enough to quit? maybe i'm just afraid to try because i'm afraid of failure. i know that what i'm saying is not unique....i'm sure EVERYONE'S heard all these things before. i'm not proud of who i am right now. my mother, if she were still living, would not be proud....she'd love me and hurt for me....but she'd be very disappointed. there is a part of me that wishes i could quit my job and go back to rehab and give this another shot. i use to think that if you're sick then you do whatever it takes to get well, but this disease is so complicated and the shame is overwhelming at times. i promise you all, i'm not trying to be dramatic--i'm crying and hurting...not just because i'm in a mess but because of the way i feel -- very abnormal -- very low down -- a cheater, lier, two faced, not like a very good mother. thanks for listening.

10-31-2007, 05:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
ccgirl Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Harwich, MA Posts: 2,593	Movin - At least you admit it openly. Do you know how long that takes most addicts? I don't have too much to say except when I read your posts I can hear the guilt and shame in your words. We've all been there.

10-31-2007, 07:27 AM	#11 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,036	movin on......one of the things we learn as we start our journey to recovery is that we can't hang with people who USE drugs and expect to stay clean.....so we have to go about putting distance between ourselves and the people places and things that get us loaded...........that is something that is very much within our control. start where you are today, and work forward from that......put down the shovel, quit digging, and start climbing out. we're all here to help......we've all been there........

10-31-2007, 08:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
windysan Large Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 3,483	hope you can get it together, man. good luck.

10-31-2007, 08:47 AM	#14 (permalink)
Lizrox Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 513	movin on, First I wanted to comment on the statement you made about this forum. This really is a SA forum, some of us are in recovery some are not.. You are a SA'user you DO fit the criteria for the forum. I started posting in this forum in July 2006.. I got clean in May 2007.. You said this "i promise you all, i'm not trying to be dramatic--i'm crying and hurting...not just because i'm in a mess but because of the way i feel -- very abnormal -- very low down -- a cheater, lier, two faced, not like a very good mother." You are feeling this way because you are using. When you stop..you begin to feel a little better slowly.. There is only so much Rehab can do for you. I went to rehab for 28 days. Met some great people, learned some things.. But when you get out recovery is up to you.. The stats on rehab suck. There was one guy in there; it was his 7th time... One guy had been to the Betty Ford clinic.. My roomate was on her 4th rehab stay and she was 23.. They say 97% of us will relapse..it's like WHY go to begin with?? BUT they added this. 93% will make it if we follow the qoute " five pillars of recovery" 1. medication 2. 90 meetings in 90 days 3. home group 4. sponser 5. therapy Be careful of the darn Klonopin too. I hate talking about Benzos on this board.. but the benzos are WICKED drugs!!! When I was in that rehab they 'cold turkey'd" me off of the benzos; I got very sick.. I don't know if you read my posts about the HORRIBLE withdrawal I went through. No dr wanted to see me because of my darn history, my husband wouldn't let me see the pdoc that precribed me the benzos I was abusing.. Out of LIKE ALL the dr's and facilities I called 1 person would see me; and i had to spend 220.00$$ Recovery is up to you... and I believe you will know when you are ready..

10-31-2007, 08:51 AM	#15 (permalink)
Jane63 Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,899 Blog Entries: 8	{{Movin}} Wow girl, you sure have alot of supporters here!! What a blessing!! I agree with what anvil posted...You've got to get away from the people who are going to enable you to still keep using! "Sharing" doesn't make them good friends...please believe that!! Those people who you call "friends" will only drag you down deeper into the thralls of addiction with them...and as the old saying goes, misery loves company! I wish I had more advice for you on the financial matters. I had racked up quite a bill for meds I was buying online with our credit cards and various DR shopping excursions! Def. not proud of any of that but I just started paying them off, month by month, sometimes sending them small amounts and sometimes more when I had it. And one day I could happily write "paid in FULL"!!! It is possible...anything is possible if you put your mind to it! One question I do have...Why are you carrying this burden all on your own? You have a husband and family who could be helping you through this difficult time. That is what families are for! Also, maybe you don't have the financial capability to go to rehab at this time but meetings and support-based groups are free! I would park my butt there and ask for all the help I could get!! {Just a thought!} Well...hope something I posted helped. Keep reaching out {{Movin}} ~Jane __________________ ~Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.~ Emily Dickinson Rest In Peace My Sweet Sammy...2-24-08

10-31-2007, 09:16 PM	#16 (permalink)
Movin On Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 197	I am going to change my cell phone number (at least call the company to see what i need to do). my family would be supportive of this. someone asked why i carry this alone (without family) it's because it's not been that long ago that i came clean with them and restrictions were put on me (for my own good) and i am going through the steps they laid out for me, but it's absolutely INSANE, the things i've done, since then to get ahold of drugs. I've found ways to get it and i really can't tell them about this relapse again. they were very understanding this last time, but now......i don't think so. i want to fix my mistakes and all the while stop doing the drugs. i can get this under control if i can just STOP using. i think changing my cell phone number will stop alot of people from calling me. those that know where i work, i'll just have my calls screened. BUT.....the main thing is to not crave the drugs. i feel like i can do it. i really do. i appreciate the support. i can talk and talk about the past and why i do what i do.....talking about the past just hurts and brings up pain....i can't change it....so i just need to make CURRENT changes, keep going to the meetings, calling my sponsor and when the desire or craving comes to use.......i somehow have to get on my knee's and ask for god to remove it. thanks for believing in me.

11-01-2007, 05:22 AM	#17 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,262	"Made a decision" Good for you. One foot in front of the other. You're in my prayers. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ I don't know what happens when people die Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear That I can't sing I can't help listening ~JB

11-01-2007, 01:06 PM	#18 (permalink)
Hope Getting Better All The Time Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Recovering Posts: 3,211	I'm thinking of you and I know the place where you are at. I feel the pain in your words. I was there. I am only one drink or drug away from returning to that place. I will never give up on you. If you read all my old posts from my old user name you'd see how long it took me. I definitely did not get this when I first tried. But it put me closer to the place when I would get it. I finally got it only because I never gave up. I'll never forget the morning after a horrible binge and it was like someone reached inside of me and pulled out every spark of hope I had. I was sure that I would die this way. I almost wasn't able to get back up. I had almost given up... the guilt, shame, horror had overwhelmed my being and I layed there crying, shaking, and in so much pain. Somewhere something in me said if I can make it this day then I can try the next day. There was no way I could think about the rest of my life. Just that day. And I made it. Having other people in recovery has been a huge part of my own recovery. I was in so much pain that I couldn't take one more second of it. But I was so weak and made a feeble attempt to reach out. The people who reached back to me is how I ended up getting my strength back and the hope that I could do this. You are not alone. Don't quit trying. One thing I'd definitely say is cut ties with ALL people associated with using. Everyone. I did not quit using until I did that.

11-01-2007, 03:31 PM	#19 (permalink)
newsandi Content with my past Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Cincinnati Ohio Posts: 637	I know for myself, I did alot of soul searching and told myself enough is enough and I pulled everybit of strength within myself and I have been taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. If I think about not every using again it would scare me to death but when I take it in little leaps, I know my body and mind gets stronger and stronger. I use this site to get the support. I went to my first NA meeting last Friday and I will go again tonite or maybe tomorrow nite and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. But your time will come and you will do it. Just being here means you care about yourself and admit you need to change. Good luck to you.

11-01-2007, 09:58 PM	#20 (permalink)
Movin On Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 197	i am doing alot of soul searching at this point. i'm finding that things are moving quickly.....not in a good direction per say, but things are happening that are making me think very carefully. example: big coke bust in the news from a group of people from atlanta to knoxville and i have reason to wonder if the guy who i've seen before will be watched now...which of course, effects me.....if i chose to put myself in that situation. another example: this other girl has been calling me, very down on her luck, lost her kids, drug addict, and she seems to have taken to me and has plenty of coke around. my experience has always been to purchase and get out of there. this girl has a boyfriend that supplies her and she just has rocks of it laying around and freely offers it. that scares the hell out of me. i've never been in that situation. i don't like drama and i don't want to get caught up in whatever may be happening, yet my god the temptation is certainly there like never before. my thoughts are that this is going way too far and i need to separate myself ASAP! i hope that this bad feeling i'm getting is going to motivate me to a better way of living. i know that i'm a addict, but i don't want to go down those dark places this girl has been. i'm not bragging about this....or seeing it as a great break.....someone that i can get coke from easily....not at this minute. but who know what i'll feel like tomorrow? i'll tell you how i feel right now....i feel like i'm worth more than that. i feel like i need to rise above this and gather my senses and really avoid all contact with this individual. i still feel like i can be helped. i can get out of the financial mess, i can work on recovery before it's too late. am i fooling myself? i just have a bad feeling about some things. god, please pray for me. help me, help myself. i can not express the urgency of this situation....i've just never been in this situation before.

11-01-2007, 10:38 PM	#22 (permalink)
Movin On Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 197	okay....pray for me? you're right....i have a good mind and i know what i need to do.....but this disease is clever. i guess there is nothing left to say. the odd's are against me???? maybe. but i want to beat this. tomorrow will be a challenge. tonight i need to get a game plan and stick to it. i think i need to avoid her phone calls, maybe even leave my cell phone at home. i need to stay close to family all weekend long. call my sponsor, share all this with her, maybe go to a meeting? i really don't like that. my 12 step group is good but the na/aa meetings......i don't feel comfortable. in addition to prayer, can you think of anything else?

11-01-2007, 10:51 PM	#23 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,606	Movin on - I have almost 8 months clean from crack, and I can tell you that I would have to cut all ties to that girl if I was in your situation. I would hope that I could say "no", but I won't even put myself in that position. I live at the other end of that Knoxville-Atlanta bust (Atlanta)