I'm Tired of Failing

[Movin On]

Your know that stress and guilt and shame can kill you? I'm tired of failing. We just get this one chance at life and why must it be so difficult?

i'm willing to accept the facts of my life thus far, but why must i continue to torture myself with trying, trying, failing, trying, trying, failing.

you know when my children were little and did something wrong, i corrected them, but i didn't make them feel like zero. is it god's intentions to make us feel like zero when we fail? i don't think so. God is a much better parent that i could ever be. (i know that i'm talking about God and not the higher power thing....and if i need to move to another site to voice my opinion about God, just tell me).

i want to live in the moment and if that moment means that i've messed up then i need to stop the destructive behavior of beating myself up and just move on.

what about everything in moderation? could that mean an occassional drink or occassional pill?

i know this recovery is all about choices and if i chose to continue to use drugs then i risk losing everything, but i don't want that. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i am not PERFECT! AND when i fail i just need to get up, brush myself off and try to do better and leave all the guilt and shame behind. THAT IS WHAT IS KILLING ME. The guilt and shame destroy me. They make me want to give up.

Can i not just have a positive attitude and tell myself, okay.....i've messed up but that's okay....i'm forgiven and move on?

i just want some answers........i want to have peace. recovery right now is not bringing me peace, because i'm failing. to me recovery means changing everything about myself.....being a whole new person. i just want to peal back all the layers and find out who and what i am.

i give my heart out.....i believe what people say......then i get hurt. it just makes me want to go to bed and cover up my head and play it safe.

sorry.......i know that everyone wants to hear a story about success....something positive......but i can not give you what i don't have.

[Jane63]

{{{MovinOn}}}
There is no such thing as "perfect"! And to err is human! You are just human, thats all! You have to stop beating yourself up for failing and start giving yourself more credit for trying!

I wish I could offer you more but just know that I care and I am still on my journey too!
{{hugs}}
Jane

[Brewster]

My gosh, the way you write. It is so from the heart and conveys your pain and feelings so well. I have felt the way you feel. Life demands so much of us. After the period of time we dull it with drugs, it comes back like a landslide. It's late. I don't know why I am up - maybe just to catch your post.

All is not perfect with my life. I have struggles too. But you convey yours so well.

I stand here beside you gazing into the chasm with you. I don't have any answers, but I know it is good to be asking the questions.

You can keep on saying your sorry if it works for you. But you have nothing to be sorry about to us.

This is the time, this is the place for you to be writing about these things.

[2ala2]

Hi Movin,
You sound pretty desperate to me.
I was like that and maybe a little more.
AA/NA helped me a great deal with my guilt and shame.
It was a relief to know that I was not unique and was not on my own.

[ccgirl]

Hey,

Now, I'm certainly not the writer you are, but I'll try to bumble through this. A huge part of this disease is shame and guilt (those symptoms apply to the depression you are obviously feeling)

I know it's cliche, but this too will pass. I've been where you are, and in those desparate times, if I didn't cling to that I wouldn't have made it. I have come out the other side and life is good;not always; sometimes I'd like to join you under those covers, um, you know what I mean.

I forget - do you have children? They need you. You are of value, and you seem to be a very special person. Keep coming here and say what you're feeling; it helps.

[Peter]

You seem to be spending too much effort trying to find answers.

The answers can not come until you STOP PUTTING DRUGS IN YOUR SYSTEM.

Focus your effort right now on just staying clean. Fight the temptation to pick up with everything you got.

During my first couple of weeks clean my mind felt like it was flying off in all different directions at the same time. There were so many questions and no answers. It took most of my energy to just not use drugs during those first days. I stuck close to my NA friends and one day was so bad in particular I had a friend come and stay with me the whole day until I was sure I would not use.

One of my major shortcomings is my IMPATIENCE. I don't want the answers now, I want it RIGHT NOW. I tend to think that as it is now so shall it be forever.If I feel bad now I think I will never feel better again and I find it hard to just hold on that extra hour or that extra day and ride out the storm.

Keep posting and don't use anymore drugs. Hang on with your tooth and fingernails if thats what it takes but don't use.

[CarolD]

When I finished my formal AA Steps 4 & 5
my remorse vanished.
God also took away my obcession
after prayers and more Step work.

I do hope this will be true for you too.
Blessings

[Movin On]

this sound so mushy, like a hallmark card, but i love each and every one of you. i have my family whom i love so deeply and they want to see me succeed, but this family here -- you all understand and accept me when i succeed AND fail.

today is another day. i have the entire day off and i'm scared. i want to enjoy this day, enjoy each moment. i think i'm going to go somewhere. the weather isn't all that pretty but i don't care.

i haven't been to my son's grave in a very long time and i know that the marker needs to be cleaned and the flowers replaced. i still want to care for him even in his death. sometimes when i visit i'll see markers and headstones and dead flowers and it looks as though no one even cares about that person and i wonder why....it makes me sad. i don't want matt's grave to look like that.

just pray that i don't do something stupid. i will call my sponsor today and ignore the phone calls from those that want me to buy drugs. they seem like friends and that they care, but i know that they just want my money.....that's their livelyhood.

i hope everyone has a good day and i'll talk to you soon.

tina

[northbelle]

Movin...my sponsor lost her 31 year old daughter to heroin addiction 4 months ago...She REALLY is going through alot of grieveing.
She told me it helps her to have me because i understand and like to hear about Serena....and she WANTS to talk about her and not forget her...

Movin..If I was there I would go with you and just stand beside you...and I would be honored...DON"T ever stop talking about Matt..I like hearing about him..
And now he is a part of us too,,,here at SR!!
I am proud of you for being a good mama!!
Addiction...it blows ..
love north..

post back sis!!

[Jane63]

{{Movin}} Yes, don't pick up that phone if you even suspect it is someone that might have drugs for you!!

We go to visit and spruce up my Father-in-laws grave all the time! He passed away when I was in my 8th month of pregnancy with the granddaughter who would never get to meet him. He was a special man so we always want him to have a special gravesite. It makes us feel better to be able to take care of his resting place.

{{hugs}}
Jane

[Hope]

That is the horrible cycle of drugs... drugs, guilt & shame, more drugs, more guilt and shame. It is vicious and eats away at your soul. Once you cling on to being clean and don't pick up drugs no matter what, you can begin to work through those feelings. It isn't easy and things may just get different before they get better. But once you stop adding more guilt and shame to the already existing guilt and shame then you can just go from there.

It isn't easy to stop using. But you too can recover.

I struggled for a couple years trying to stop. Many failed attempts and so much guilt and shame it was almost unbearable. I hated to open my eyes in the morning because I knew I'd have to face the pain, guilt, and shame of the night before. I had to reach out and ask for help. I had to listen to what others did to stay clean and I needed to do that. I was so desperate because I knew it was destroying me. I almost didn't have anything left in me to even reach out to try another time. But somewhere I got some strength and reached out. I've been alcohol and drug free for 5 months. It hasn't been easy and my sober life has painful moments. But I do have freedom from my guilt and shame of worrying what I did yesterday or last week.

It is a beautiful thing to be free.

Keep reaching out. My heart went out to you with your posts. I felt like I was actually there. I know what you're going through.

And don't answer the phone with people calling about drugs. Change your number so they will stop calling. They are not your friends. Your real friends are the ones who care about your life, not the ones making their money off destroying it.