i want to stop but its impossible

[tee60]

well i haven't posted since tuesday because my boss has been sitting right around me all week. i'm on day 2 and it amazingly, i am ok. tuesday night was easy...smoked a little weed with my bf and actually slept ok. yesterday was not too bad really...too hot, too cold...anxious and nervous...and of course my digestion was whacked, but i didn't eat much. last night the insomnia started and i was bored and uncomfortable, but not actively hurting. this morning was doable...got up early...took a shower...now i'm at work trying to ACT normal because it seems like if i pretend i'm normal, then maybe i will be?

this morning my bf said he wants to tell our supplier we're quitting. my supplier gets his script filled on monday, and i know i'll feel like copping. it would not take much to convince my bf...really not much at all...just mentioning that i want to get some, and i can bet my life he'll jump at it. how do i use my willpower to say no? it hasn't even happened yet and i already feel defeated.

i mean do i really want to go through this AGAIN?...and again and again the rest of my life? sometimes i think it's worth it...like i can feel freaking awesome half my life and like crap the rest...is that really so bad?

i don't know what to do. i don't know why i think remaining an addict is so appealing right now. i want to marry my boyfriend, have a house and kids....but i want the pain killers too. they make life so enjoyable. i can't have both.

[2ala2]

Hello Tee,
May I ask what drugs are you addicted to
?

[tee60]

should have said that sorry...75-100mg of roxicodone on and off for a little over a yr...every single day this past month...just took my last dose tuesday morning...i'm in the throes of wd right now, but its not as bad as i thought it would be.

[Emimily]

Originally Posted by tee60

i mean do i really want to go through this AGAIN?...and again and again the rest of my life? sometimes i think it's worth it...like i can feel freaking awesome half my life and like crap the rest...is that really so bad?

that's up to you to decide, but i can tell you one thing from my experience-it stopped being freaking awesome to be high. if you want to stop, you will. if you're still having fun, maybe you won't. it usually takes the pain being greater than the high to really want sobriety and recovery... yeah, so i don't know what to tell ya. i'd check out NA, but i'm an AA kid, so of course that's my recommendation. it helped me a lot to have some good sober running buddies to hang out with... maybe you and the boyf. could check out some meetings. good luck tee, whatever you decide.

[2ala2]

Originally Posted by tee60

i want the pain killers too. they make life so enjoyable. .

A short life I might add.
It doesn't have to get worse for you to make a move, or does it?
Stay off the weed. It only makes things worse.
Drink loads of fluids. Oatmeal is really good for your stomach. Try it with a little honey.
Remember, you're halfway there. Today and tomorrow are the worst and then it gradually gets better.
I hate these synthetic Opiates.
Hang in there and no matter what, do NOT use.

[Jerzy007]

Wow, thanks for the honesty. My drug of choice is heroin and opiates do suffice. I know very well the crossroads you are at and your rationalization about feeling great and crappy half your life runs through my mind very often. I even moved to Florida from NJ to get away from the corner hustlers and i've been too lazy lately to persistently try to find any opiates but if i had a dealer in the area, it'd be unreal high today. But i dont and i am ok with being sober today. THis addiction is insidious and wish you the best of luck.
i am now trying the AA steps to see if a spiritual awakening will releive my obsession to get high. It has worked so far but i can relate with your indecision.

[tee60]

it's such a horrible feeling to know that i'm going to end up picking up as soon as i can. i just know that, and i feel like i'm powerless to stop it. this is the hardest thing i've ever gone through.

[Jerzy007]

Try to enjoy that your not high right now:-) And i really like 2ala2's picture, its a flag of surrendor,,,hmmmm...just for today!

[tee60]

i'm at the crying for no real reason/hoplessness point now. i'm trying to tell myself that i don't ACTUALLY feel this way, that it's just the withdrawals talking. i could probably leave work and not get fired, but i'm going to stay because i can't sleep anyway. i'll just feel even more like crap sitting around the house. i'm not even upset about the wd anymore...i dont care...i'll feel like crap, whatever, who cares? it'll pass...i just know i'm going to end up blowing my whole paycheck again...and then i'll forget about all this and i'll be in happy land again until i run out again.

i'm trying to remind myself of fun, happy times when i wasn't high...when i was just alive and enjoying it...before i even knew what being high felt like...god i miss those times.

[2ala2]

I think you need a detox facility Tee.
Have you ever seen a doctor or an addiction therapist?

[tee60]

no i dont really think i need detox though. the wd's are nowhere near as bad as i was anticipating. i'm just depressed, really, and i can't figure out why.

[Jane63]

{{{{{{tee}}}}}}} [those are HUGS BTW!]
You know, if you can leave work today, why not? Maybe you could go home and crash on the couch for awhile and feel more positive when you wake up?
It IS something to consider if your sure you won't get fired or anything.

Many of us suggest rehab/detox because that is the way we got clean. It is not only for detoxing but to give you counseling and tools to help you stay that way.

If you are honestly doing OK with the home detox then at least looking into some NA meetings would be a good idea. Many people breeze through the WDs to find themselves without the right tools to use to help them stay that way.

Staying clean is a job...you have to work it everyday...but the payoff is very rewarding in the end!! PLEASE believe me on that one!! Especially if you are wanting to get serious with your B/F and possibly start a family!! IMO, that is an awesome reason to clean up and what a gift you could give each other!!!

Please stick with it...Do not even think of calling that dealer and getting more pills! You and your B/F stay busy this wknd...do something together like hiking in the woods, have a "movie nite" or my ol' fav. bowling!...and you just might realise that happiness can be found in so many ways other than a pill bottle!!!

Sending you positive thoughts!!!!!
Jane

[tee60]

thank you so much... i never thought hearing this from strangers that are so far away would be so inspiring

my bf just doesn't get it...he convinces himself (and me) that we just need to get off these, and then we'll be clean. but we never are because my dealer calls and it starts again. i texted my supplier last night, but THANK GOD he didnt answer me because we had a little money.

i get paid tomorrow. it's going to be so hard not to cop. it's so hard to do because it's the difference in feeling GREAT and feeling HORRIBLE. do i really just want to feel...normal? is there are way to feel great and happy without the high? how? where do you find that kind of happiness?

i keep thinking about how i'm going to clean my house, or start a new project at work? how could i plan a wedding? if i had a baby, how would i take care of it? i don't know how to do anything productive without this drug. but with this drug, i don't have any money to do anything anyway.

in the back of my mind, i think everything would be ok if my bf and i each had our own script for like 150 pills/mo. it's just a fantasy, and it's impossible, but the thought of it is what keeps me going back to my dealer.

i dont think my bf will go to na. i could go by myself, but what if someone recognized me and i lost my job? anyway, i don't feel like doing anything.

will i EVER feel like DOING anything again?!?!

[anvilhead]

what we tell OURSELVES pretty much predicts what we will do....

when we say, i want to quit, but CAN'T....then we can't
when we say, it's IMPOSSIBLE......then it is impossible
when we say, i'm going to end up using.......we end using

i tried for long time not to use........it wasn't until i DECIDED that using is NOT an OPTION that i could stay clean successfully

couple items of note from this recovering crackhead...

do NOT trust your DEALER to help you stay clean
do not answer the phone if the dealer calls
make plans to stay clean, successfully
stay constructively busy, not just busy busy
develop a new stable healthy routine
if there are two addicts in the house, they both HAVE to be on the same page about not getting loaded, cuz it's a lot easier to pull somebody down than it is to pull somebody up

[exjunky]

Originally Posted by tee60

i don't know why i think remaining an addict is so appealing right now. i want to marry my boyfriend, have a house and kids....but i want the pain killers too. they make life so enjoyable.

I can always tell when somebody is relatively new to opiates, no hardcore addict would talk that way. You're still in the honeymoon phase. Based on the way that you talk and the size of your habit, I would guess you've only been using for about 1 year, am I right?

There's an old saying that an addict doesn't quit until they hit rock bottom. I hope you don't have to do that.

Listen to me: if you keep down this road you will find yourself unable to get high off of 100mg, then you won't get high off of 200mg, and I know this stuff ain't cheap, so then you'll do one of two things: graduate to heroin, or graduate to the needle. Or both. Short circuit this entire process and get out while the gettin' is good.

If you're on day #2 then brace yourself, because tomorrow might be the worst day. But I think if you're at work on day #2 you should be OK. After day #3 it just gets easier. Good luck and God bless.

[breezystorms]

Tee.... I'm going through the same thing as you. I'm in full W/d's right now. I feel like total crap. I hurt so bad and I'm extremely depressed. But it will pass.. My lortabs are due on Monday... and I KNOW if I go get them I'll be in the same boat.. and all this pain and suffering will be for NOTHING.. Why suffer for nothing? Be strong. Hang in there.. You will be able to clean house without pills again.. I feel the same way.. wow I can't get off the couch... But I know it will pass.. I started taking lortabs 2 years ago.. what did I do before them?? I felt a live.. I felt FREE.. and most importantly I felt HAPPY... and exjunky is right.. you start out small and before you know it's out of control.. I started out with HALF A LORTAB 5.. now 2 years later i have to take 5 just to feel ok.. and not even "High". Do it now before you get worse. It's not worth it.. and personally.. when I kick this habit.. I don't ever want to see another Lortab again in my entire life.. those things are evil and life destroyers. Good luck...

[Lady_Blue]

It's NOT worth it. xjunky is right....about the honeymoon phase. I'm a DIEHARD opiate addict & ALWAYS will be. You gotta know "whrn to walk away & know when to RUN like hell. Get, while the gettin's still good. I wouldn't wish the "bottoms" I've had on my worst enemy. They get WORSE everytime. Every nite, you'll tell yourself I'm NOT doing this tomorrow...then you do....nature of the beast. I wish you the best of luck..but it's gonna take all the strengh you can muster up....I'm still TRying, but getting CLOSER every day.....Hang on!

[exjunky]

Sigmund the Seamonster knows what she's talking about!!!

(I used to love that show!! Man I totally forgot about that...!
Reason #273 to quit dope... reruns of Sigmund the Seamonster!)

[Lady_Blue]

Yeah. Your gonna HAVE to HATE the addiction more than you LOVE the high.

The runnin' out, the bein' dopesick, the chasin' the pills, dope.....gets old after Years!

Don't waste YEARS.....the end result is so much WORSE......I, like ALL other addicts,

would love to have all of my "wasted time" given back to me......but it's done.

It's gone. You gotta let go...and really mean it.....and most of all, really WANT it.

I didn't think I was like the "junkies." I have a nice home, kids (Nearly GROWN now)


My drugs were prescribed...it was legal, although I HAVE smoked boatloads of pot,

and all the "illegal crap" in my younger years. Just experimenting, "they" were RIGHT.

The opiates....I LOVED em'. Benzos too... Much more older & wiser now, I now KNOW

screwed myself. It SUCKS living a "double life." Nobody knows my secret. Bull$hit.

I wasn't foolin anyone BUT myself. It took a RECOVERING heroin addict here on this

forum after YEARS of failed attempts to save myself to CONVINCE me that I too; AM

A JUNKY. Just LIKE her. She knows what she's talking about.....and I thank God

EVERYDAY that I found her....there are alot of good people here. Listen to em'.

It's one heck of a lonely life. It doesn't MATTER...you can have a million ppl around you.....the lonliness of addiction ALONE will kill you IF it doesn't make you stronger in the end. It's your choice.....


Sigmund rocks. I had forgot about him too...I had a DREAM...with him. Crazy.

Hey x- rememer Burp & Slurp, Johnny & Scott.....Puffinstuff, witchy-poo & The Magic

FLUTE? Cracks me up.....

The theme song "Sigmund the Seamonster, & Johnny & Scott were his friends".....

Growin' up in the 70's.....that's what DID it, I'm just bettin'!

Take Good care People! Hang on tight. It's the ride of your life!

[windysan]

there's a show on MTV's Adult Swim called Saul of the Mole People that looks pretty darned good.

[riptrip]

Hi,
I am new. I am a Opiate Addict.Your posts hit home with me.If feels good to know I am not alone.This week will be the start of the end for me I hop..I am so scared..
I have to do this.I went through a rehab in 2003 andstayed completely clean untill about a year ago,thought I could handle it. One pill is too much and 100 is never enough for me! I cant belive I am in this place again..What a loser! Thanks for all the posts,it helps me so much to read them.

[serenitybound]

I know I am late to responding to this thread, but I read it and related so much to your situation. I was right there 11 months ago. Like exjunky said, you will either graduate to heroin or needles. I graduated to heroin. Within four months I had pawned everything of value in my apartment, I racked up about $8000 worth of credit card debt, sacrificed all my values and worst of all...completely lost myself. I had no idea who the hell I was anymore. Remember I did all of that in 4 frickin months. I am not telling you this to try and detour you from that route, because it sounds like you might need to walk it in order to really want to get clean. I am just letting you know where it will probably go from here. And if you want to avoid that and give you and your boyfriend hope of a happy, fullfilling life...go check out an addiction specialist. If you don't want to do it yourself, through the program, or you honestly feel hopeless and that you really can't, the next best thing in my opinion in subutex or suboxone. I just felt like I had to respond to this as my duty to another suffering addict because I was right where you were almost a year ago. I'm not perfect now, but I'm not using and life is better. You can't even dream as big as your life can get if you quit now. Good luck to you.

[Movin On]

tee60, i want to stop too but there is much more to it that just wanting to stop. i've been saying that for so long now but it doesn't work.

i don't have the answer. i don't know why one person can make it happen while another struggles and relapses.

part of me feels like the people that make it happen do so because they pour their whole body, mind, spirit into their recovery....nothing or no one else matters....recovery is the only way to keep them alive. other people, like my husband, did drugs for years and then just gave it up....no rehab....no meetings, just grew out of it.

and then i read alot that we've (me) must have not hit that rock bottom because once you do then recovery begins.

and then there are those that don't give a **** about themselves and could care less if they lived or died.

have i covered all the bases here?

[xjunkie4u]

Your title is "impossible", not a good title and it could be impossible or nealry so with 2 addicts. In this one rehap/detox I used to be a "frequent flyer" a good therapist used to say concerning 2 addicts getting straight together "2 dead batteries can't start a car" crude but true. Attitude is everything in detox and recovery, in my opinion. all the best