How to Cut the Strings?

[Movin On]

one of the people i got drugs from keeps calling me. i use to share what i had with her because she really didn't have much money to buy anything. but she is a very sweet person.....i've told her that i'm trying to stop and that i've been praying for her that things get better for her. i've thought about inviting her to a celebrate recovery meeting.

you know what if god is using me to help her?

perhaps i don't want to end the friendship because if i fail, i'll still have a connection....i mean....is that what is really going on?

my life may influence her's. if i'm able to stay clean then who knows, she may be encouraged by that and decide to stop herself.

i'm sorry........i'm lying.......i messed up. i messed up. it was just a small amount of coke but i messed up. i am concerned about the person i speak of.....that's not a lie but today i just screwed up. i'm sorry. i don't know what to say. what i had was not enough and now i'm depressed and feel so much shame.

my name is not movin on (of course)...my name is tina and i don't have a handle on recovery.

well....there is nothing else to say.

[Sugah]

Hi, Tina.

Is this messing up in any way connected to the nice girl you share your stuff with? Because I know, especially with coke, for some reason, even the suggestion of it with those I used with was enough to get that not-so-merry-go-round started again. I had to cut ties. Not ease out of it -- turn tail and run. If you're concerned about hurting someone's feelings, a very simple, "I have to change people, places and things associated with my using. It's not personal. I hope you understand." And then, whether they do or don't, enforce your boundaries.

Easier said than done, I'm sure. But, if you want to stay clean, you've got to be willing to go to any lengths, even doing things that are hard and uncomfortable.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ccgirl]

Tina, right now you need to focus on you. I don't care how "nice" she is. She isn't healthy for you.

I do understand what you said about maybe wanting her in your life in case you fail. I actually smiled because I felt that way in the beginning. Kind of like a fallback plan, huh? Boy, we sure can spin ourselves some stories, can't we?

I don't know what else to say except you sound absolutely tortured and conflicted and if you truly stop using that will end. It will be scary, but the peace you'll attain is worth the fear.

[Impurrfect]

Tina -

Thanks for being honest. I agree with CC - the peace you find when you stop using is soooooo worth it.

I know, too, about keeping old contacts. I still talk to some of the boys I got crack from but they are 1-1/2 away and I know I can't see them in person, even though they are really supportive of me being clean (they tell me they miss me, but DO NOT come down there).

I finally decided to give this recovery thing a shot. Initially, I told myself that if I didn't like it, I could always go back. I was so miserable any time I used.....the high didn't take that away anymore. Today, even when things are really rough, I know that if I use again, I will hate myself.

Please take care of you...you are so worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy