The First 30 Days Off Heroin

[northbelle]

I just want to post this in case anyone else is trying to get get through the withdrawal...maybe still using ....maybe a weeks clean and ready to go back,

I am ALMOST a month off heroin...I took one oxy over a week ago ...it did not seem to affect me much and I regretted it immediatly..was not worth it..
Early recovery is HARD. But it IS better..adn it is going to GET MUCH BETTER ..I feel that today. I have had major anxiety...but it is lessening SO much. I realized today that I am WAY better off now...I can think so much more RATIONALLY than the way I was living less than one month ago. I take WAY better care of my kid..not scared to leave the house as much. The paranoia is gone...My house does not resemble a opium den today..I have begun to clean up the wreckage!!! It may seem small but it is the little things that lead to bigger things. I can actually sit outside with 9 kids (not mine..neighbor kids that play with my son) and play with them and talk to them!! Not for long mind you!!! But what a improvement..I used to just cringe when my own son came SPOKE when I was using.

I really just want to tell anyone reading that is hurting...I SWEAR it will get so much better...and if you just PRAY for a little help...pray to anything or anyone you like!! You will get it in recovery. Withdrawal is horrible...you might think you are screwed up forever and will NEVER feel better...maybe think you are too far gone..That is what I thought.....but today I looked around me and realized...it is SOOOO much better...

I am here for anyone wanting to quit opiates..heroin...whatever....I know how hard it is . But the freedom I feel today is worth all the insanity of early recovery..

love north

[cookconfay]

Way to go!!! I just love to hear it. I have been clean & sober since 8/23/97 and that's a miracle!!!! My doc was heroin!

[baggervance]

way to go north.hugs from bagger.

[ccgirl]

See? We knew you could do it North!


And Connie, almost 10 years for you!!!

[anvilhead]

i love you guys.........!!!

[leeside]

Hope you keep the H chains off north!

[spark-o-cet]

good job north and well done,watch that oxy it is evil as herion.i had one question to ask ya about what you have been thru.we've all followed your detox story here and have seen you thru the worst of it,but my ? is DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HAVE GONE THRU THESE LAST 30 DAYS WHILE MAINTAINING A JOB AND BEING PRODUCTIVE AT THAT JOB>GETTING UP EARLY AND COMING HOME LATE FROM WORK EVERY DAY WITH THE JONES.this is one problem i and many here have when it comes to the w/d.you cannot keep a job a go thru what you went thru or i couldnt do it no way possible.i know that sounds like a excuse for not gettin clean and really it is for alot of us that will lose everything we have if we get fired from work because of drug w/ds.i've tried it while working and absouloutly could not do it.made it two days and that was it.just wondered what you thought about this and if you can relate to what im gettin at.good luck-spark

[Jane63]

YAYY {{{North}}}!!!! 30-days!! I knew you could do it!!
Keep being YOU and keep focused!!
{{HUGS}}
Jane

[emmer]

Dang, you've done good! Your such a trooper NB !

[northbelle]

Hey Spark...funny you ask that question..I have DONE it before. I worked the front desk as a receptionist greeting the public!!! I know , I know ..it sounds impossible but I tell ya I DID it once. I remeber I could barely MAKE it there...but I had a really good job that I did not want to loose,,,I was detoxing a 40 mg methadone, 60 mgs morphine...witha little heroin here and there!! I used to come home at the end of the day and not move again..just to get my son dinner...then throw myself in the shower , the next morning, I had to DRESS UP TOO!!! Oh my god....what a way to go...
HOWEVER , this time I could NOT do it, I had to quit my job because I was too freakin sick to go in!! And left myself and kid with 0 income.
I think every time it just gets harder...the more times I put myself through it ..it takes a little more...I think it depends on the person.
I mean if I had my choice I would definitely use some methadone or do the subutex thing and wean slow..then I bet you could hold a job...
But YEAH..I undestand not wanting to detox because you need your job....
But I have found this adage SO TRUE ( although you KNOW i have TRIED to disprove it)

ANYTHING YOU PUT BEFORE YOUR RECOVERY.... YOU WILL EVENTUALLY loose..

I hate it ..put its true for me...

But heck yeah I understand,,

[ladyamalthea]

North,

Man I wish you could talk to my sister! She is a recovering heroin addict herself... sounds like you two would have a lot in common

Congrats on the 30 days! I know how hard it was for her... you deserve to be proud tonight.

[TONYTEXAS]

Nice Keep It Up Just For Today! Recovering Heroin Addict Here. It Does Get Better!

[northbelle]

Thanx Tony!! So was it hard for you to get clean too???
Anyone out there going through detox?? Trying to get clean??? I would love to be support to anyone who may be wanting to quit..detoxing...anyone at all...because I swear you guys..if I can do this you can too..I know it seems so impossible when you are stuck in the disease...adn it is scaery as hell not to be able to stop..
Maybe you could introduce yourself here and get some classic SR support???? I need somebody who needs me right now...
love north

[madworld]

I'm on day 26 so I feel your pain. I'm just trying to push past what I think is possible for me to do for the day. I hate feeling like something is stopping me. I hate weakness and worship strength but sometimes I feel that is my weakness. So what the f**k does that mean? I quit heroin to or if your from philly they call it hurwooon. I really hope you stay strong good luck.

[northbelle]

Thanx mad..I feel pretty weak truth be told...Maybe I will borrow some of your stregnth to get me throught the day...sounds like you have alittle to spare. I am such a whiner sometimes..no all the time.
Your strength is contagious...

Today I am goin gto get out of the house ..get my job search ready for monday..I have to start NOW...heheheh..I am the biggest procrastinater right now.
I had a really great telelphone call yesterday from a lady that works in the supervisors dept for the state...she REALLY sncouraged me to go apply for all the state jobs I can . I worked with state employees in my last job until the probation dept made such a fuss I was asked to resign...I really took it hard and have not had confidence since then..and let myself go down the tubes with dope..
She was really understanding adn encouraged me so much to get out there and GET a good job..It was just nice to have someone high up there give me some encouragement. Beleive it or not I am a fairly smart person..I have really low self esteem right now,

Wow it really feels good not to be on dope..or sick. Got to get moving ....it is another beautiful day up here !
love north

[MeToo2]

Hi North, you expressed what I wanted to tell Mad and couldn't find the right words-his strength is contagious My husband is just like him, only we have a relationship, and sometimes it irritates me to see my husband's strength (and he gets irritated sometimes about why don't I just do it already, regarding unpleasant necessities). We love each other to death but after 24 years together there are still aspects of each other that are alien to each other

[northbelle]

Thanx Me2..nice to know I am not alone in my weakness...!!! I put off stupid stuff too...
You know I figured out what some of the anger and unrest I have been feeling is about....I feel like a part of my SOUL is hanging on to the dope...its like I have not completely LET GO...even though I am clean...like I am stiting on the "fence" all the time..almost unconciously like I am waiting for another hit!!! I don't WANT to and am not going to TODAY..and hopefully tommorow...but it is there nonetheless...I pace alot ...walk in circles..
Guess I will do some reading ..recovery..letting go..acceptance...check out smart recovery//work the REBT on it!!! . I will take whatever tools I can get right now!!
Hey can anyone relate??
love north

[MeToo2]

Northbelle, this is how I relate-I want off the stupid pills, I am getting off the stupid pills-no ifs ands or buts. I hate that I am even frequenting the boards getting useful info-it's almost like a mental obsession. Honestly, I find it hard to speak about it-because I am tapering, and even taking less than half is a far cry from taking none. But I don't want to see it that way-I want my mentality to get "normal" about it-not taking them and not thinking about the next time it's allowed to take one and not wondering how I'm going to pass my day without taking one or thinking about it. I'm so exasperated with myself. My husband is being just the perfect combination of sweet/strong right now, but it has to be ME. I have to hold on to why this is important to me, which is that I don't want to be enslaved to anything-not a pill, not cigs, not food, not Coca-cola, except my God and Savior Jesus. That brings me to the point when nothing does.

[marle]

North, I am on the other side of the fence, mother of a heroin addict. I hung on to wanting to fix my daughter for a long time. Afraid of losing her. It was not until I totally accepted that yes, I may lose her and made peace with that was I able to let go of the obsession. I still would like her to have a good life but I have given control of that to her and God. I would come on here looking for something, something magic that would make my obsession and fear go away. It was not until I realized that the magic was inside me did I take that final step of letting her go. She will always remain in my heart but maybe not in my life. Hugs and prayers to you, Marle

[MeToo2]

And dangitall you're NOT going to let go-you have done the toughest part and you are smart and you know this will pass-just hold on to the period that you can hold to for whatever reason, and then hold onto the next period, whatever length it may be. Every year of my life I "catch up" in "normalcy" to the rest of the world-by the time I'm a real old lady I should be as "normal" as the rest of this screwy world, LOL-and I also find each year that even my ideals of strength and normalcy, have their own challenges-it partly reassures me that I'm not "different" and partly makes me realise that I HAVE to be able to stand on my own, because surprise! (to me) everyone has to.

[squirty]

(((((North))))) I need you hun! I really do! You give me so much strength - more than you realise. This is gonna sound ridiculous but I really didn't want to go to the doctors the other day and admit I'd failed but the way I got there was I imagined that some of my SR friends were cheering me on. I could almost feel you, Arura, L, woops and Joe etc etc behind me keeping me going forward. Sounds odd but it's amazing the support we give each other here.

North you are such a sweetheart encouraging people to come onto this thread and share - such a kind soul. Oh and by the way you don't need to convince any of us here of your intelligence it's clearly evident. I think you are the only one you need to convince hun!

In resonse to spark's question the other day, I did detox while at work. Mainly cus I had no idea what was coming. I thought that if I gave up on Friday I'd be fine by Monday. Oh how little I knew!!! Went in Monday and threw up. I got sent home and that's when I first found this site and woops told me the worst of the symptoms come at 72 hours. I basically took most of that week off work with a "nasty virus" which was fine cus I never really took much time off usually. So I did effectively detox at work (aside from 3 and a half days off sick) and it worked for a while.

Unfortunately cold turkey wasn't the answer for me and I have tried many times since. I always find I end up replacing it with something else. I'm going on subs next week, so fingers crossed!

Take care everyone xxx

[northbelle]

Me2..I am not even shooting for normal! God please don't take me there!!!
I ws just reaading the NA bood and man some parts of it really hit the nail on the head..that at times when we feel like we are moving INTO insanity and not aways from it...it is THOSE times we need to re-up on our commitment to recovery..
I did that to the best of my ability by reading and actually ATEMPTING to pray adn meditate,,,,I am pretty antsy so it is NOT easy to focus...
Squirty...geeeez...thanx!!! I wish I liked me as much as y'all do....
God lord above..Chance just brought a homeless person home with him...he went to the store for icecream and brought home a homeless dude!!! (we LIVE right by a homeless camp in the woods)...kid has a heart the size of alaska...my friend told me" Don't worry so much about Chance..he has his own higher power"...and I know he DOES!!! I still worry about what I am teaching him..
Oh well he can deal with it in therapy to get over his childhood someday..for now I am being the best mom I can..

oh..we gave the homeless guy a icecream adn some tobacco ..didn't let him in...thats improvement for me..

Me2 PLEASE keep posting..you are helping me know I am not alone..sounds like we have ALOT in common..just talk about it...I do..I feel really stupid here alot but I have to speak my truth or why even bother..
love north

[MeToo2]

North you are so sweet that I got a lump in my throat. (When I'm not posting tonight rest assured that it will be because I'm having my 2 hr bath and going to bed before 11). "My truth" is what I find it hard to speak about-partly because I don't completely know what my truth is, though I thought that I did when I first came here. Because the "small" deceptions I've practiced for the sake of respectability, have become so so second nature that I've just begun to look back at them and remember that they're deceptions. I mean, I've come to "believe" them myself from repetition, I mean really believe them and have forgotten my own self! that they're not true. Because I do want to be what I perceive the rest of the world as being, "normal", soooo badly. And I even know better, I am old enough to know that behind all those closed respectable doors only God knows the truth, just like my own. But I also have enough family (all over the US, unfortunately none nearby) to know that everyone isn't coping through some addiction. I hate being so over-analytical, I hate seeing both sides of everything! I hate it! But I sure don't see both sides when I can't have what I want, I become a single-minded selfish child at that time! I don't care right now-none of that matters right now-all that matters right now is that I don't take pills anymore!!!! I'll deal with the rest after!!!!

[northbelle]

Right on..maybe god meant you to be who you are...maybe we are not SUPPOSED to keep up with the joneses.
Looking good almost killed me.
You can't save your face and you a## at the same time...
You are lucky to have family. Part of my dismay right now is I am sitting here PENNILESS..pile of wet clothes and no "quarters to do them"....Can't even jump the bus because I don't have the lousy $1 to get Chance on...no car..no job...I feel like such a LOW LIFE... The IRS is sending me 250 $....I DID get that notice today..so I know money is coming...I have ben stuck here for toooo long...ANd I KNOW I alone can only pull myself back up...I hope I can rise to the occasion...School stars in like 10 more days...you have no idea HOW RELIEVED I will be..if I did not have the internet...my misery would be comlete and total....LOLLOL
love north

[MeToo2]

Northbelle, can you PM me?