What would make a difference? Advice needed!
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
What would make a difference? Advice needed!
from the other side, what would you want to hear?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------SHOULD I CALL My SON and WHAT SHOULD I SAY? SHOULD I KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT? He refused to go to reahab after an intervention last March and I haven't heard from him since. DO I CALL? What DO I SAY? Should I KEEP trying to CONNECT?
The space between us is so great that I don't even know what to say to my only child any more. He knows that I miss him, yet he still doesn't call. I think that my 23 yo son is living at his dad's, my ex, because his dad called last week to say he was coming to live there. That is just 15 min. away. My son has been estranged for the last several yrs. only talking to me a few times a yr. and never coming to visit even though he lives in the same county. He recently lost his job & apt., broke up with girlfriend, lost his band, etc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------SHOULD I CALL My SON and WHAT SHOULD I SAY? SHOULD I KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT? He refused to go to reahab after an intervention last March and I haven't heard from him since. DO I CALL? What DO I SAY? Should I KEEP trying to CONNECT?
The space between us is so great that I don't even know what to say to my only child any more. He knows that I miss him, yet he still doesn't call. I think that my 23 yo son is living at his dad's, my ex, because his dad called last week to say he was coming to live there. That is just 15 min. away. My son has been estranged for the last several yrs. only talking to me a few times a yr. and never coming to visit even though he lives in the same county. He recently lost his job & apt., broke up with girlfriend, lost his band, etc.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
What would make a difference? .... Well I second what NB said.....listening goes along way. A long speech about drug abuse and how he needs to clean up his act might make him drop the phone and walk away.
If anything maybe - I love ya and I'm here for you if you need me.
If anything maybe - I love ya and I'm here for you if you need me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Northbelle, Thanks for saying just what I needed to hear. I have "tried to fix him" with suggestions of recovery programs and he rebukes it. I have tried to get him to get the medical + dental attention he needs and he rebukes it. This time I will try to connect with NO adviceor suggetions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Spiritual Seeker,
If he won't answer the phone, maybe you could send him a card, since you know where he's staying? Even if it's just a simple "I was thinking about you" kinda thing.. with nothing heavy in it.
*hugs*
If he won't answer the phone, maybe you could send him a card, since you know where he's staying? Even if it's just a simple "I was thinking about you" kinda thing.. with nothing heavy in it.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Harwich, MA
Posts: 2,747
I was going to suggest the card also. If you do go to see him, maybe bake some cookies or something. Sounds silly, but I'm such a mommy it's what I would do. I also wholeheartedly agree with what North said about not lecturing.
And even if he says anything to you out of anger, try to let it roll off your back. It took a long time for the relationship to deteriorate and it's not going to get fixed in one visit.
And even if he says anything to you out of anger, try to let it roll off your back. It took a long time for the relationship to deteriorate and it's not going to get fixed in one visit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
If I was in his shoes (and I was years ago) I would want to hear “come home and you can do all the drugs you want! Bring your friends and use my place. You don’t even have to work; you can do whatever you want.”
That is what I wanted to hear. But I think the card is a better idea. I’d send one good one, explaining that you are there for him if he wants you, then repeat on his birthday and holidays. Have you tried alanon? Some of those people seem to really know what they are doing in this area.
That is what I wanted to hear. But I think the card is a better idea. I’d send one good one, explaining that you are there for him if he wants you, then repeat on his birthday and holidays. Have you tried alanon? Some of those people seem to really know what they are doing in this area.
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Thanks for keepin' it real Barto
Until recently I went regularly to a parent's Al-Anon group for 4 yrs. Now I rarely go. I was positive the epitome Miss Recovery and newcomers wanted what I had. Lately I feel like I don't have much to offer and I don't want to go to B**** & moan. 5 yrs. of this is taking its toll. It goes on + on.
SR has been beneficial as I work my way out of this gloom. Sometimes when we give support to ea. other it makes us feel like we're not alone in this heartbreaking situation. Your Support means a lot.
SR has been beneficial as I work my way out of this gloom. Sometimes when we give support to ea. other it makes us feel like we're not alone in this heartbreaking situation. Your Support means a lot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Righthere, Rightnow
Posts: 1,424
You’re very welcome.
And I can relate to your situation immensely. I was your son, and I have one just like him. And I can also relate to the “I should have more to offer” concept. I am coming out of some really dark times in my sobriety, and I have been [clean and] sober for about two decades.
I like SR, but I need my real time meetings, too. I got away from meetings for a while and that period of my life might have been the worst ever – even worse than my drinking and using days because I could feel and see the stuff I wasn’t doing that I had done before. It didn’t happen all at once, but after a while away, I was suddenly aware that I was messed up. It is tough to go when you feel low, but I am so glad I resumed going, and that I am still going to meetings. Things are picking up for me. I bet they would for you, too. I’d say just go and say hello, and if called on, share generally that you are having a hard time with your son. I bet you’ll be very welcomed.
I like SR, but I need my real time meetings, too. I got away from meetings for a while and that period of my life might have been the worst ever – even worse than my drinking and using days because I could feel and see the stuff I wasn’t doing that I had done before. It didn’t happen all at once, but after a while away, I was suddenly aware that I was messed up. It is tough to go when you feel low, but I am so glad I resumed going, and that I am still going to meetings. Things are picking up for me. I bet they would for you, too. I’d say just go and say hello, and if called on, share generally that you are having a hard time with your son. I bet you’ll be very welcomed.
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