This may sound silly, but I'm scaring myself

[ladyamalthea]

For those of you who are addicts or in recovery, did you ever, before your addiction actually became evident, worry that you were headed down a bad path?

I am so damn depressed right now that I can hardly see straight. I know, life is not fair... but the things I'm dealing with right now are just more than I can take at this moment. I've been crying off and on all evening. I wanted to binge earlier, and luckily my husband was around to stop me. I was so mad at him at the time, but now I'm so glad he did...

Now I can't think what I want to do. One minute I still want to binge, but I don't have a car at the moment because it self destructed on me yesterday while I was on the interstate, which is part of the reason I'm so depressed to begin with. I can't afford a new car, and I resent the idea of having to put the 4,000 in repairs on my credit cards b/c i just paid them down and will probably not get them paid back down before something else goes wrong...

The next thought I had was to take some prescription headache medicine that I've had in my purse for a few weeks. I would not take more than the prescribed amount, but I would be taking it for the wrong reason. I have no headache, I simply want it to knock me out for a while. But then I thought about it, and I realized that doing something like that might open the door to some kind of further substance abuse, and I don't want to end up like my sister...

Then, I thought about drinking, as I do have some wine coolers here (and I'm such a lightweight that they would do the trick). But I don't want to do that either, for the same reason as in the last paragraph...

But I have no way to release my emotions right now... crying isn't helping, and the only person I could call right now is my mom and I definitely don't want to talk to her b/c all she'd do is try to tell me to not be depressed or to stop thinking that way... I am sick and tired of her telling me to not be depressed. I can't stop. If I could, I wouldn't be typing this right now...

Anyways... is this thought process of mine normal? Or am I walking some kind of thin line here? I tend to overanalyze a lot, so I just wanted other opinions.

[liveweyerd]

If feelings of depression persist for 2 weeks, then you should consult your Dr.

[Aducksdelight]

I did worry that I was heading down a path long before I consider my addiction to be evident, though I am still wondering what that means. I called a rehab when I was 14 looking for information. For some reason the woman didn't want to help me, perhaps because I was a minor. At any rate, I used for another 11 years before I ever sought help again. Go figure.
You sound like you are going through depression. I have dealt with a lot of depression on and off again for over a decade. It's tough. I am glad you can see that you are looking for an escape route that is only going to cause you pain, both in the short and long term. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. You're doing the right thing by opening up and letting other people know what's going on. Just bear with it. Read a book or watch a funny movie, exercise, do something. Just to get your mind off it a little while. I don't mean to sound obtuse. Those things really helped me at the time even though I thought they didn't. Good luck!

[citychick]

We're used to putting a chemical on our feelings. Instant gratification. And it doesn't work in the long run. You'll eventually have to feel whatever is bothering you. One of the best things I learned is "feelings pass" and usually quicker than you'd think.

[marle]

Lady, I don't think that it is abnormal to want to fantasize escaping from overwhelming feelings. This past winter, I broke my kneecap and was offered Vicodin and some other pain killer by two different doctors. I told them no because I knew with the emotional pain of my daughter's addiction, that I would most probably abuse them. Recently I have had thoughts on my worst days of what it would be like to just drown my pain. But I know that will not do any good. The only way out of pain is to go through it. Do you have a therapist or doctor that you could talk to about your feelings. I know I was offered an anti-depressant by my therapist last winter. I declined that because I felt I was doing okay handling my feelings. You know I tell myself that the difference between a bad day and a good day is usually a couple of days. But if you find yourself not feeling better, go to someone who can help. Don't do this alone. Hugs, Marle

[ccgirl]

I'm certainly not a doctor, but if someone tells you you're depressed long enough, well,if it looks like a duck.... Please see a doctor to ask about it, if nothing else. You don't have to live in misery if it's clinical depression. If it's situational, then, this too will pass. You deserve to be happy.

[marle]

Lady, One more thing. I believed the psychologist when she told me that my daughter's depression was situational, but the psychologist did not have all the facts about my daughter. My daughter was not honest about her eating disorder and then later about her drug use. So find someone that you trust and be honest. Your ED is involved with the way you are feeling now. Many people with ED's do try drugs. Whether your feelings are being caused by your ED or your ED was caused by your feelings is really not important. Getting the right help is. Prayer and hugs, Marle

[ladyamalthea]

Thanks everyone. I have an appointment with my endocrinologist on Tuesday anyway to go over my bloodwork from last week, and I'm thinking about going on ahead and talking to him about all of this, b/c maybe it will help him to understand that there is more here than just an issue with me not wanting to give up carbs. Maybe he can refer me to someone else who can help with the other stuff, or maybe he can help; but either way, I feel like it's a start...

[parentrecovers]

that's a great start, ladyamalthea!