BFD

I'm sorry to say, this is day 1 again. To my "graduating class"... I'm sorry. I was triggered and I couldn't do it. It was just too much to deal with. I know what I have to do, and I am hating it. My insurance covers detox and rehab and I'm seriously considering going. I don't know about work. I don't have enough time saved up to take vacation time. That alone makes me want to try one last time by myself. I can't take Suboxone or Methadone, they make me sicker than a dog. I've tried them both a few times. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I don't want to be this person. Thank you to scotchbotch for reaching out and letting me know I'm never alone. We WILL beat this. We have to. Our lives and our marriages depend on it.

So far today has been emotional and I'm very antsy. The bathroom visits have begun, but nothing too bad yet. I think the emotional part had to do with me burying a friend today. He was 26 with two small children. He took his life. None of us knew how much pain he was in. They say the loudest laugh hides the deepest hurt. I guess that's the truth. My friend was always making people laugh, and lived to perform. I miss him.

scotchbotch

BFD... please don't beat yourself up... I know that's kinda crazy coming from me. Never stop trying. We will do this... forget this 'can' crap.... I'm ready for the I will part.

Just keep coming back you are a huge inspiration to all of us.

scotchbotch

...I'm also so sorry for your friend BFD I'll be praying for you.

Impurrfect

BFD - so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry this is day 1, too, but very glad to see you back here. That's pretty huge considering the emotional trauma you are going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

cleaninLI

BFD,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your friends family. I'm glad to see you back. So it's day 1 again. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start over. Relapse is a part of recovery, BFD. Think about it. Did you learn something? Is there something you need to do differently this time around? If so than it was not a waste of time. Think of it as a learning experience ok?

Lyoness

BFD, I am so sorry for your loss and for your friend and his family. You must be in incredible pain. I, too, will send you all healing thoughts and prayers.

And you are so courageous to come here, admit your slip, and keep on trying. Addiction to opiates is intense. I don't know if anyone can quit and stay quit their first time out. What clean says is right, use this experience to learn from and strengthen your recovery. And take good care of yourself.

BFD

Thank you so much, you guys. You brought tears to my tired eyes. Thank you for not judging me too harshly. Much love to all of you. I'm doing the vitamin thing and trying to drink water. I'm not very hungry, but I managed to eat some soup for dinner. My biggest downfall was thinking I was "safe". As soon as I get through this hurdle I will have a better plan in place.

jokerz4u