Not addicted but not not addicted

[JamesCraig]

I am 17 years old, It all began when I was younger (about 12 or 13) I would always get sick in the car. My parents gave me dramamine and meclizyne. For some reason I almost liked being on these drugs. Not for the "high" but that they simply made sleep better. I always took them at night to help me sleep. When I went into high school (at age 15) all the kids where always talking about how great vicodin and muscle relaxers were. I knew that the motion sickness pills that I had been taking made me feel kinda weird, I was very curious about how pain killers would feel. I asked a few kids at my school but no one had any. That night after school I went into our medicine drawer and found two bottles. One containing oxycodone pills and one containing several demerol pills. They where from the different surgeries that my dad had in the past. Being the stupid kid that I was I asked my dad what they where for. He told me and then threw them away. I took them out of the trash. The next day (not knowing what to expect at all) I took a few of the demerols and a few of the oxys. The feeling was like nothing I had ever felt in my life. It was wonderful, warm, and oddly pleasant. I felt great sensations going through my body like I was orgasming all over. The next couple days after school I would take some pills and watch tv for a couple hours. My mom knew there was something wrong with me. She
searched my room and found the medication. She was very upset and began to cry. She took the bottles and threw them away. I had actually told her that the pills where simply to help me sleep. It was a couple days till summer started so I didn't have very many sources of drugs in the summer time (even though I tried and I tried) I went several months without any drugs at all
The next winter when I was 16 I pretended to be in an accident and injured. I said I was in so much pain that I needed pain killers. My parents actually believed my story even after what I had done. They took me to the doctor and he put me on a high regime of vicodin in hopes that it would soon go away. At this point I didn't care what anyone thought, I just knew how wonderful i felt when I was on them. After two weeks of being on the medicine he sent me to a specialist. He gave me 25 7.5 vicoprofens per month. After about 8 months the pills started loosing their charm. I started taking more and more to achieve the euphoria. I think the doctor began to notice my habits and cut me off. For months I went without pills, and rarely being able to buy some narcotics off of kids who had broken an arm and whatnot.Time passed, and got me to this point, now I buy opium pods off of ebay, I drink with friends, I do pills when I can get them, I party, I smoke pot sometimes. I am not completely addicted to opiates, I can go a week without taking any and not feel the affects or withdraws. But at the same time if I went a month I would miss the feeling alot and would get it one way or another. I cannot tell you how much I wish I never felt what it felt like for the first time. I want to keep doing it but not at the same time. I go back and fourth on whether I should quit all together or still do a little. I almost think I could be happy for the rest of my life if I was hooked up to morphine and I had a couch and a tv, although I know ultimately that would be my death. So this is where I am, I am 17 struggling lost in so many aspects and severely lacking direction. I have no idea what to do or where to go, I often almost think that I will just stop when I get older, but the way things are going I think it could get worse. Does any one have any insights or experiences on the matter?

[ladyamalthea]

Hey there.

You sound just like my sister. And let me tell ya, she almost died a little over a month ago from an accidental overdose. Like you, her experimentation was innocent curiosity. At 13, she was experimenting with cold medicines. By the time she was your age, she was using heroin just about every chance she got, and claiming she was not addicted, that she could quit at any time, etc etc.

I know you say now that you do not have the withdrawals, and that is great. Keep it that way by staying away from the substances. You are exactly right to worry that if you continue down this path, things could get worse, except that you need to change the word "could" for "will." I think anyone on here would agree with me in that statement.

Think for a minute about what you want to accomplish in life. Do you have plans to have a career? What about a happy marriage at some point? A full and happy life? If any of the above are things that you want, GET OUT OF THIS NOW! Even if it means getting a new set of friends... they are not really your friends if you getting high does not bother them.

One more thing... as hard as this is going to sound, if things do get worse, please don't ever be afraid to go to your parents for help. They will want to help you, and even if the initial reaction is painful to see/ experience, the sooner that you get whatever help may be needed, the less of your life has been wasted. My sister ruined three years of my life, not to mention making things uncomfortable before that, please don't do the same to your family.

I say all of these things from my heart, and I hope they stay with you.

*hugs and prayers*

[Aducksdelight]

If you are having a serious problem deciding if you should do them anymore, going back and forth on the subject and saying things like if you could only be hooked up a morphine drip and sit on the couch all day for the rest of your life, you have a problem. I can relate to that thinking. When I was very young and first starting out, I remember thinking that too, or something along those lines. I kind of had a choice back then, a little bit of a crossroads where I could either completely stop (and lose all the "fun") or keep going, full blast. I kept going because it seemed like an obvious choice. I don't remember a day or even a year when that happened but I have a vague memory of making that call, when I first knew I was getting into the danger zone but plowed ahead anyway. I can't speak for you and I don't know what all of your experiences are like, but it sounds to me like you are near that same space. I wasted 11 years of my life on drugs and I am only 25. I have ruined relationships, lost jobs, stole money and drugs and have done so many horrible things I can't even write about them now. I am struggling to get clean because my life depends on it. I can't say for sure what your experiences will be like if you continue on this path but be assured that if you already regret taking that first pill and getting to know what it felt like, you will regret it a hundred thousand times more later.

Good luck and PM me anytime if you like.

[Alycia]

Well hun, u sound a lot like me!!! But I was older. I remember the first time I tried oxycutin. I was in heaven! The guy I was with was soooo happy, and we were happy together. I ended up going to a doc, that found some stuff wrong with my bones, since I have soooo many prob. with my health. He gave me whatever I wanted, darvacets, hydros, fetenal pathes, was the worst, we would eat them, and get terribly high. And we could always take the same ammount of f.p. and it would get better and better. And blah blah blah. Now I am on a methadone prog., which I have to pay close to $500 a month, cuz it is $15 a day! I can't go thru withdrawl but I am at the time that I want to get off! But I got terrible news last wk that I am going thru right now. Anyways, I started going to meetings a few wks ago and I love them. I am starting to make healthy relationships with ppl, and learning how to not get high anymore. Anyways, go to a meeting, and ur lucky ur not going to withdrawl! Good luck and keep posting! Cuz we get worried around here if we don't hear from u!

[JamesCraig]

Hey thanks for your concern, I never knew that there where nice and caring people online. I appreciate the time you take to care for what I am going through. Thanks!

[JamesCraig]

I am so glad that you guys care!

[Misscat]

Oh my god, when I read your post you almost made me cry. I am a high school teacher who had a problem with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently. I am pretty young, so I relate to my students in many ways, but I am also older enough to know the mistakes I made at their age and what I would do differently.
When I was 17 all seemed pretty innocent (drinking on weekends, occasional pot), but over time, things got worse, and although I was able to get a Master's degree at an ivy league school and all, in many ways my life stopped when I was using substances, in that I wasn't really LIVING my life. I was going through the motions, but not really taking my decisions seriously. If I hadnt been using, I think I would have done a lot of things differently. I SOOOO wish I had never drank, never done drugs...even though I had a LOT of fun doing them. At this point, all the fun seems in the distance and I know I could have found other fun things to do while sober.
The thing is, I see so many wonderful kids as a teacher, kids who have brains and potential, kids with wonderful talents...kids who have a sense of curiosity about the world. Then, for some of them, they lose their spark, and for a lot of those kids, its because their urge to party overtook whatever other passions they wanted from life.
Believe me, you have much to look towards. Dont waste another minute. I wish I hadnt done what you have done--experimented...had that kind of "fun." A am a very smart woman and I will never know the full potential I could have reached at this point had I not wasted that time being wasted.
Once you get to be 29, sitting in a room with your friends at 6am after being out all night doing whatever is not cool, its completely LAME. I wish my students knew that now. Dont head that direction, honey...

That aside, my suggestion is this--tell your school psychologist. They are required to keep things secret, usually, depending on your state, unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. If you dont have someone like that, tell a guidance councellor. Or, even if you think it will be horrible, tell your parents. They really do care about you and want the best for you, no matter how hard it is to take their advice.

I wish you all the best and send you many hugs...

[Misscat]

hey james...how you doing?

[JamesCraig]

I haven't been doing as well as id like, today i did some opium but it was the first that I've done in a while, but I have been working, and trying to do more productive things. Thanks so much for asking, PS I can't send Private messages yet so Ill have to respond on this, thanks again for asking!

[Spiritual Seeker]

Tell your parents and ask for their help. The best way to start is with honesty. I too have worked with teens who become addicts and waste yrs. of their lives. Opiates will steal you from your family, your potential. Please seek help.

[ladyamalthea]

James,

I agree. I wish you would tell your parents... they might react at first, but then their ultimate response will help you more than you could imagine. You said you're not addicted yet, but if you're "not doing as well as you'd like," then you already have a problem. Please don't let it get any bigger!

*hugs*

[tropikgal2]

James, opiates completely change the brain until it can't function without them. that's why you "miss it" when you dont' have it. The longer you take them the more damage you do. You are young and your body can recover if you get clean now, but the older you get the harder it will be until it gets to the point where you can't completely recover. Hearing you talk I can tell that if you dont' get help soon you will be using heroin in no time, and that is the fastest downward spiral you can ever imagine.
Unfortunately, you won't stop until you are really ready to seek help.
I hope you chose real life.
(((HUGS)))

[JamesCraig]

My parents know about my oxycodone, Demerol and other prescription drug abuse in the past, but I don't think they know about what I am doing know. I know exactly what you mean when you say I'll be doing herion, I could see how I could go to that level. about 5 months or so ago was the worst time for me, I was actually mentally and physically addicted to vicoprofen. Even though it's alot weaker than the other pills I was taking, I was just taking it all the time, I would get it from my doctor, my aunt threw out many of her vicodin which is the same, and at our school it was available at any time of the day, I would just have to trade some amphetemines and I would be set for a couple days. It got so bad, I made myself stop taking them for about 2 months, I went through withdraw, sooner or later I began to remember all the "fun" I was having. The only way I can describe what the wanting feeling was like when you hunger for food, or desire sex. I know my parents would be a help to me, but I can't talk to them about it. I am going to try to get off this stuff the best I can by myself seeing how I almost did it before. If I can't do it by myself and I become more addicted or make no progress what so ever then I will either talk to the counseller at my school, my uncle and possibly people at the church, I grew up in the church so I know alot of people there. Again thank you for you care and concern, Just these past couple of days being able to share my story and everything that I am going through and getting feedback is a huge help.

P.S Does anyone know of any legal herb or something that makes it easier to get off opiates/opium?

[tropikgal2]

James, you seem like a smart, resourceful person. There is a lot of free information on the Internet about how to get off of opiates using natural methods such as meditation, herbs, exercise, etc. There are also a lot of hucksters out there waiting to take your money, so be careful. Since you have already gotten clean that one time for 2 months (congratulations BTW! that's a start!), you kind of know what to expect with the withdrawals. After the physical symptoms are gone, the mental hurdles are harder to overcome. My experience with my RAH is that it is important to stay busy. Of course, at first you will think "Gee, this would be so much more fun if I was high", but that is because opiates have robbed your brain's natural ability to produce the chemicals that make you naturally "high" and let you have fun. Remember this though, NOTHING that is found at your local health food store is going to even come close to feeling like an opiate at first. However, after your brain heals somewhat, herbs will help. Even if you can't talk to your folks (and I understand, believe me, even though I am probably your folk's age), if you can't get past it on your own I URGE you to talk to any of the other people you mentioned. I am a secular person, but for many people faith-based recovery help is very good for them.
If there is an NA meeting you can sneak off to you might also try that.
Hope this helps!!!

[ladyamalthea]

James,

I agree with the above post, that you sound like the kind of person who is smart enough to learn how to do this on your own and succeed.

Having said that, I will tell you that I consider myself to be fairly bright as well, but that when it comes to something like this, like we mentioned before, your brain is affected by these drugs, and therefore your intelligence is kinda a mute point.

I know you said that you can't talk to your parents about this, so why not go on and talk to your counselor, pastor, or uncle, as you said? I just fear that if you try to go this alone, you'll slip, and then you really won't want to get help b/c you'll be that much more addicted. If you take advantage of the help of those who care about you now, you have a much better chance of success, since your heart is still in the right place.

Whether you decide to tell anyone or not, I second the idea of going to a NA meeting or two. Or, if there are no NA meetings near you, perhaps there is an AA meeting (Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous follow the exact same principles and either one should work, as it is, after all, just different addictions).

Just know that, either way, you are on my mind and in my heart. I am so glad that you are smart enough to see that you need to stop this.

*hugs and prayers*