please give me advice!!

[Alycia]

this is what I wrote my mom earlier tonight.

THis is hard for me to ask you this but I know in my heart that I will get caught very soon if I don't get insurance and tabs. I owe $180 and tabs are $65 and I would prob have to pay one month which I think is
$50 or so. I really need this and don't want to lose the van. I only have $30 for food and that is it, neverless gas, diapers,wipes, new socks for the boys, boo's bday, and cake, oh my. You should put life insurance on me, so then I could just kill myself. I can not stand this anymore, not having any money. IDK if you have the money or anything but if you could, I would grately appriecate it. I would be able to pay u $100 a month back. I have $500 for methadone, $350 morgage, $150 loan, 183 hbc cuz I was behind, and I ow $125 to garbage and they wont pick up and took the garbage can, and $73 for excel, and $100 to amy for buying food for us last month, and I am usually $250 to $400 in the hole in my winona national account. I just checked my bank account balance and it is $514 but I don't know what was the last to go thru, and I have to pay garbage, excel, and $290 to methadone to last the whole month, and food, diapers, boos bday, and a ******* cake. God, please let it go away!! Next month I'll have to buy them school clothes and supplies, oh my! Please if you can't help me, find someone who can. I don't know what to do and would love to just disappear. I hope you can help.
love you,
Alycia


oh god more

with that only $514 hbc didn't take out there $183 yet, garbage, excel, all that is over $500, I have no money for food, or anything diapers wipes, boos crap, and I promised him I would take him to the machine shed also, stupid me. PLease pray for life to go down, oh yah and I still owe almost $300 for methadone that I have to pay first or I will feel horrid. Maybe I should just go to detox and see if they can give me klonapin and let me in a room without anything to hurt and watch my blood pressure, cuz many ppl on methadone will die, cuz there heart stops working. But they prob have gone thru it, but who would watch the boys??? IT would take a couple of wks, I know someone that did it and they were up 11 days, but I would love to get off, they call it liquid handcuffs. If they let me at my program, I can only go down 10mgs a wk, which will take me 17 wks! any ideas?????????? I know you would help with the boys, if you could, and understand that you can't.


I don't know what to do. I feel like my methadone is what is holding my kids from getting stuff. I am #3 on the Lacrosse wi methadone program but they put the waffers in water, and it tastes really gritty horrid, I threw it up, some of my exbfs. At Roch it is only liquid pink stuff. at the lacrosse program, I wouldn't have to pay a dime cuz they take insurance. I have so much going on. I have gained 50 lbs in 2 months, my scale was wrong and I thought it was only 30 lbs. I went to the doc on friday and she did a # of things, blood work for thyroid, diabetes, tumor, hep c, hiv, pregnancy. There has to be a reason why I have gained so much, and it looks like I am 9 months prego like water weight, like I am swollen its horrid! I'll put a pic in the bottom when my ma puts the pics on myspace from today at her house we went swimmming. My ma says she can't handle my probs and to call social security but I don't think that they can do a damn thing. Has anyone had this prob before. i just found out that I have to change both of my boys' school to a charter school that would be much better for them. And there summer school at public school starts monday and I don't know if I should send them. IT was a holiday wk so the school wasn't there all last wk. Also, like I posted yest. my exbf, and baby's dad is being a jerk. MY dad, and my older boys dad, both died of suicide, anneverisaries are coming up. Ahhhhhhhhh! Everyboddy wants money from me, I don't know what to do but I just want to go use, or kill myself. PLease if you have any ideas I'll try them!

[splendra]

(((((Alycia))))))

I am hoping you want use and you will find peace...prayers going out for you

[Spiritual Seeker]

Maybe the letter to your mom should read "can you take the kids and help me get into treatment ?"

[Alycia]

oh I have asked her, she says, I have my own kids to raise put them in foster care, u know I would if I could. blah blah blah

[Alycia]

I love that mama smilie on my signature, with 3 babies, just like me, its hilarious!

[splendra]

((((Alicya)))))

I think if you could determine what is the most important on your list and take care of that it would be the right thing to do..

What ever you do don't pick up okay

[2ala2]

This is exactly how to pile up things and paralize your self, Of course your mother wants none of this, listen to you. Stop whining!
Make a list of your priorities, take care of the vital things first and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[ccgirl]

My instant reaction is that of ala's, but I'll temper it a little. You've got children. Period. Do you know that when I signed myself into the hospital voluntarily they contacted DSS about my using while in the prescence of my children? That was a head thumping moment. The light bulb went off.

There was a man in there who had no job, was disabled, was a widower with two young children; he signed his children over to his sister in law and signed himself in. In other words: Do what you have to do.

[marle]

Being the mom of an addict daughter and being lied to and taken advantage of too many times, I would tell you that if I received a letter like yours, I would smell a scam coming my way. Now that may not be the case with you, but I am sure that you have made many promises in the past that you have not kept and we codie mothers reach a point where we have to say no in order to take care of ourselves. Maybe you could reach out for help yourself from some agencies. If my daughter called me with a plan already in place, I would be more than willing to support her in her recovery. But if she calls me looking for me to find the solutions, then I have to give the problems back to her. I will not solve her problems or take on the responsibility of her addiction. I will say a prayer for you that you find a way to take the steps you need to find help. I hope you don't think that I am being too harsh, only telling you what it feels like for me when my daughter comes to me with empty promises that she wants a better life without doing the work herself to get it. Hugs, Marle

[Alycia]

what u guys say sounds good. One thing tho, I have never ever lied to my ma, she wasn't around when the whole drug thing and recovery happened. Actually this is the first time we started talking to each again was on the 4th of July. She hasn't helped me with money since I was about 18 and I paid he back right away. I shouldn't push things on her tho, it is my responsiblity. I thought that I sometimes thing she owes me cuz I took care of her two boys since they were babies when she was gone, just gone. I remember one time, for a while, she only slept at the house once a month, I was signing school stuff, going to their conferences, and my bf at the time and I, were playing ma and dad. I need to get over that so much!!! What I have realized is that I need therapy and I am going to call someone tomorrow. Thanks for the advise, I really needed it.

[Alycia]

and I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and grow up. I use to not be like this, but in the last 2 months, I have fell of my path and ended up with aniexty and like this. I need to steer right back, and ask for help in the appriate places with first writing my ma and telling her that I am sorry, thank you, it was hard to read, and I even got tears in my eyes but it is true.

[emmer]

Saying sorry is soo hard to do sometimes but it is a good thing and it feels good doing it. Your a class act Alycia !

[Alycia]

What does a class act mean??? Anyways, I wrote her my sorry letter. I feel much better. I am their mother, I had them, I need to take care of them! I hope I will feel like this after I start my at home detox from methadone, tomorrow I hope, I will have enough power to get off. Sorry, I am rambling, that is just what is on my mind.

[emmer]

It means your classy girl.

[Alycia]

sorry, I am bad with words and sometimes don't know what they mean so I am sorry to ask again but what does classy mean? I looked it up and it said a classroom lol!

[marle]

Just take it to mean that you are a good person. You have had some tough things happen in your life and you are still trying. That is classy. Good luck and I hope therapy helps. It helped me to let go of my daughter and trust that God will take care of her. Hugs, Marle

[dgillz]

If I was in a position to help someone in your situation, it would not be money to allow them to stay on methadone, which is still an addiction. Maybe that is your mother's resistance.

Please don't even think of suicide, your boys need you. You are in my prayers.

[Alycia]

Oh I know that, and I was being stupid for asking her for it and have apoligized to her for that. I made thim so I can raise them! She isnt in the postition to help with the boys or help with chores or anything right now, she is going thru probs and I should of thought first about her, before I asked, that was selfish of me! But anyways thank you dgillz for praying for me.

[marle]

If that is your little boy in your avatar, he is absolutely gorgeous. Good reason to have a plan Hugs, Marle

[Alycia]

Ya that is my baby Logan, he is 21 months and I have 2 other boys that are 7 and almost 6 on the 25th! Their all adorable! Thanks for the comment!

[Patient Dreams]

figure out all the now priorities that you have. Write'em down. Not the things you'd like to do, but the things that keep you afloat. Number them and start at one. Focus on that and it may shroud the rest.

[LIL_Pebbles]

Hi,

Your letter to your mom? I started to cry for my mom has been giving me 100.00 a month, there is no need for this, I have been abusing my pills, no Rx but once I get em from the dealer I mess up, I now have enought till the 24th and 100.00 check that buys me enough pills till the 1st, she co-signed care-credit for my reptiles, my credit? I have burned too many and in way over my head, now? they want 100.00 and paid day for the 11th, my methadone apoinment "Intake" is on the 1th, I don't know what will go down, I have heard from my B/F and many others about the Methadone he is always sick, and wished he never went on it. all you feel like feeeling horrible, I mean I know where you are, you have more on your plate than I and I have told my mom if I had a gun it would be over, I told others and mean it, it is awful tho later i see the pain i have caused to myself and those who love me. I did a taper down in 11/06 2 weeks and it was a nightmare! I thought there was a Demon in my room, I mean the WD's are all mental I would wake up in full blown panic attackand shaking so bad i could not walk, yet here i go messig up, the very drug that took my life of 4 years i have to face it is not easy, I had seen 3 doctors sor Suboxone and they said no to me for /i am on legal Xanax, this drug been on it 21 years, i do not think i will get the methadone anyway and I have given up hope really i have, what is to become of us all? I would try t get on SSI if I were you, would that help you? I don;t know your story, but i know the drug i am trying to get on? it is dangerous and one can't just stop, your right it can kill you, aside from that the WD's are very bad worst thatn the pills or dope, so methadone 1st, everything else? go to your local chrch see if you can get some help with diapers, I wished you did not have to hurt like this, liquid handcufs that is what they call them, how long youve been on methadone? and what miligram your on?