Relapsed after 5 months off - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

lotustea · 07-06-2007, 10:46 PM

I feel so weak. I left my crack boyfriend of 6 years about five months ago and havent had a bit of it or missed it since till 2 nights ago. I dont know what happened but I just wanted some so bad -- went over to his place and we stayed up all night till 5 the next day hidden in his place. He curtains off the windows from his workers outside on the same property and directs them on walkie talkies while he smokes. Seems to have gotten this system down. I dont know I guess I was close to that bad hanging with him before I left him but havent looked back. Some dealer came over and dropped off a bunch of it so he could "store it" for him. I didnt know where it came from but then the guy came later and got the rest and said he needed to pay for what he took. To see the miserable state (and be a part of it) of his life-- how deep he has been in is disturbing. Of course he wants me back and I want him back ( though not this him who is nowhere near the him I fell in love with) but its too dangerous.
I have been so sticking to my course and am still determined to. This was the night before I was to go on a trip that is in some ways the beginnings of my new life ( am in a hotel in TX now) maybe I freaked and wanted to escape. I dont know. It was fun for an hour or so then my throat wanted to close up so I just forced down the smoke for 9 more hours and really felt slave to crack-- just doing it so I didnt have to come down not enjoying it. I have all kinds of meetings and stuff to do here and I have just been feeling miserable phisically and mentally-- dont know if it is because of this incident. I havent ever relapsed so I dont know how to look at all this. I hate to be so two sided as to leave him over this then to go back and get high with him 5 mos. later. He was so glad and I think would love me to take care of him again. Course theres a part of me that naturally is drawn to doing that too.
Its just so crazy to have all this come up when I am on a real direct road to an exciting new life. I guess relapse has its repercussions. Anyway I think after I am here for a week I go home and can move to a city 2 hours away which I think might really be a good idea now that I have opened this little gate of hell that I have up till now kept so well locked. It started out ust having lunch with him a couple times a week them BAM I go over to his place to smoke all night. I dont understand what I am feeling

croakaine · 07-06-2007, 10:54 PM

I can understand. I have tried to quit my vice. If i leave it for a few weeks, i go back, but back with a vengeance. It's a fcking vicious circle.
I think 5 months is great though. Just think of it as a slight slip. Do another 5 months and I bet you could stop yourself if it happened again.

lotustea · 07-06-2007, 11:36 PM

I was looking at how this came up and since I hadnt seeen him in all the time I was clean and wanted to use the very week I was seeing him maybe that menas I should stay away. For now I just neeed my joy and confidence back so I can get done what I need to do for my career this week. Has anyone experienced this kind of emotional melt down after a slip- up?

croakaine · 07-06-2007, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lotustea

I was looking at how this came up and since I hadnt seeen him in all the time I was clean and wanted to use the very week I was seeing him maybe that menas I should stay away. For now I just neeed my joy and confidence back so I can get done what I need to do for my career this week. Has anyone experienced this kind of emotional melt down after a slip- up?

I'm feeling it now!
Stay away from that guy. He obviously doesnt want to sort himself out. Hope you dont mind me saying but i dont think you love him. I think you think you do because of the drugs. You are best to stay well clear. x

2ala2 · 07-07-2007, 01:29 AM

Hey there,
Sounds like you really need a recovery program.
Whatever happens do NOT use again!

"I dont know what happened but I just wanted some so bad" That's called craving. You have to use the proper tools to get help get over that. They do work.

"To see the miserable state (and be a part of it) of his life-- how deep he has been
in is disturbing" "but its too dangerous" No, it's deadly.

"I have been so sticking to my course and am still determined to" Sticking to a course means doing absolutetly anything to stay clean.

I have just been feeling miserable phisically and mentally-- dont know if it is because of this incident" lol, Of course it's from this incident

It started out ust having lunch with him a couple times a week them BAM I go over to his place to smoke all night. I dont understand what I am feeling " You must totally avoid people places and things associated with your active addiction.

What you've gone through here is such a classic, right out of the book.
Go to a meeting today and talk to someone with long sobriety and tell them exactly what you've said here. Listen a lot and talk little
Good luck

07-06-2007, 10:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
lotustea Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: down south Posts: 50	Relapsed after 5 months off I feel so weak. I left my crack boyfriend of 6 years about five months ago and havent had a bit of it or missed it since till 2 nights ago. I dont know what happened but I just wanted some so bad -- went over to his place and we stayed up all night till 5 the next day hidden in his place. He curtains off the windows from his workers outside on the same property and directs them on walkie talkies while he smokes. Seems to have gotten this system down. I dont know I guess I was close to that bad hanging with him before I left him but havent looked back. Some dealer came over and dropped off a bunch of it so he could "store it" for him. I didnt know where it came from but then the guy came later and got the rest and said he needed to pay for what he took. To see the miserable state (and be a part of it) of his life-- how deep he has been in is disturbing. Of course he wants me back and I want him back ( though not this him who is nowhere near the him I fell in love with) but its too dangerous. I have been so sticking to my course and am still determined to. This was the night before I was to go on a trip that is in some ways the beginnings of my new life ( am in a hotel in TX now) maybe I freaked and wanted to escape. I dont know. It was fun for an hour or so then my throat wanted to close up so I just forced down the smoke for 9 more hours and really felt slave to crack-- just doing it so I didnt have to come down not enjoying it. I have all kinds of meetings and stuff to do here and I have just been feeling miserable phisically and mentally-- dont know if it is because of this incident. I havent ever relapsed so I dont know how to look at all this. I hate to be so two sided as to leave him over this then to go back and get high with him 5 mos. later. He was so glad and I think would love me to take care of him again. Course theres a part of me that naturally is drawn to doing that too. Its just so crazy to have all this come up when I am on a real direct road to an exciting new life. I guess relapse has its repercussions. Anyway I think after I am here for a week I go home and can move to a city 2 hours away which I think might really be a good idea now that I have opened this little gate of hell that I have up till now kept so well locked. It started out ust having lunch with him a couple times a week them BAM I go over to his place to smoke all night. I dont understand what I am feeling

07-06-2007, 11:36 PM	#3 (permalink)
lotustea Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: down south Posts: 50	Maybe seing him triggered me to want to use I was looking at how this came up and since I hadnt seeen him in all the time I was clean and wanted to use the very week I was seeing him maybe that menas I should stay away. For now I just neeed my joy and confidence back so I can get done what I need to do for my career this week. Has anyone experienced this kind of emotional melt down after a slip- up?

07-07-2007, 01:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
2ala2 Affiliate Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Cairo Posts: 753	Hey there, Sounds like you really need a recovery program. Whatever happens do NOT use again! "I dont know what happened but I just wanted some so bad" That's called craving. You have to use the proper tools to get help get over that. They do work. "To see the miserable state (and be a part of it) of his life-- how deep he has been in is disturbing" "but its too dangerous" No, it's deadly. "I have been so sticking to my course and am still determined to" Sticking to a course means doing absolutetly anything to stay clean. I have just been feeling miserable phisically and mentally-- dont know if it is because of this incident" lol, Of course it's from this incident It started out ust having lunch with him a couple times a week them BAM I go over to his place to smoke all night. I dont understand what I am feeling " You must totally avoid people places and things associated with your active addiction. What you've gone through here is such a classic, right out of the book. Go to a meeting today and talk to someone with long sobriety and tell them exactly what you've said here. Listen a lot and talk little Good luck __________________ Progress, Not Perfection.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
I think I relapsed	ABT4LIFE	Substance Abuse	13	05-02-2007 07:49 PM
Relapsed Again Why Why Why	kj0975	Substance Abuse	15	05-31-2006 08:58 PM
Relapsed	SBrat1180	Newcomers to Recovery	5	05-23-2006 08:47 AM

07-06-2007, 10:54 PM	#2 (permalink)
croakaine Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: England Posts: 19	I can understand. I have tried to quit my vice. If i leave it for a few weeks, i go back, but back with a vengeance. It's a fcking vicious circle. I think 5 months is great though. Just think of it as a slight slip. Do another 5 months and I bet you could stop yourself if it happened again.

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)