I am soooooo mad!!!!

[Alycia]

God, I am soooo pissed right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went to my meeting, and instead of having the meeting in the preschool room, we had it upstairs. I should of asked why. I had my 20 month old and my5 yr old. It was horrible. LOgan, my 20 month old kept getting into stuff, and running around, and also he kept going to this one guy dada, it was embarrassing. I said I have to leave and they just kept on reading, atleast 2 women came up to me and gave me hugs. I wanted to say, can't we all just hop skip or run downstairs??!!! Well, we got home and I called my baby's father, roger, and asked him if he could watch his son when I have my meetings. He was like, now ur cool huh, since u go to meetings, and why should I watch him, ur other kids were there, so why can't he. Then he said I am going to let u go, and call me tomorrrow, knowing he wouldn't answer, I said my meeting is at 7 then, I'll see u tomorrow. And he shouts at me, who says I have to watch him, who says I'll be home??!! Ficken bastred!!! I sooooooooo want to use right now, cuz I don't want to feel this way. Anyone have ways to calm down besides getting high or drunk?????????????

[Spiritual Seeker]

Play with your kids. Take kids to the park. Take kids to playland at Burger king.
Read books or do art/crafts with the kids. Take kids to a kid movie. Take kids for a walk. Meet with another mom who has kids. When I had a small child I hooked up with a couple of other moms and we did babysit exchange with no money exchanging hands. When they needed it they dropped off at my house and vice versa. Maybe you can arrange this for times to go to your mtg. You've gotta do right by your kids and not depend on their dufus dad, cuz that is out of your control that he is a jerk.

[Alycia]

now he calls back and was like, u better bring them all! I was like, no, I will figure it out myself. He screams at me, saying atleast I'll go somewhere in life, and all u will make it to is the grave, and I said, better there than anywhere with you! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he makes me mad!!!! Now he keeps calling, I told him to go f is ma, I am so mad and shouldn't say horrrible things. I called for him last tues and his ma answers and I asked her to wake him up cuz he said he'll watch the kids so I can go to my program and she says, that aint my prob, take them with!! There is only 3 seats and 4 ppl. She just kept saying I have more important things to do, I don't care and all I wanted her to do is wake up her son!!!!!!!!! I said why are u being so mean and she was like cuz I am alycia. wow, I was balling!! my ride was coming in 9 mins and I was screwed. So I call back again and Roger answers and says well I don't want to do anything for u, I was like why didn't u just tell me this yest???? so I could of found someone. I just want to shoot myself and make everyone happy! I can't handle this stress right now!

[historyteach]

Breathe.
Again. Deep breathing.
In through your nose; out through your mouth.
Slow, steady, deep breathing....

Are you doing it?
Now, add progressive muscle relaxation.
Starting with your feet, tighten up the muscles completely; hold for a bit; release.
Go to the calves and repeat the same thing.
Thighs; abdomin; chest; shoulders; face...always tensing the muscle groups; holding it tight, then, allowing it to release.
This releases the tension you're feeling.

Now, picture a place; a safe place. While you are breathing normally. It can be a place you've been to before or someplace that only exists in your mind.
Feel it; smell it; notice the colors; is there any taste associated with this safe place? Bring all your senses to this place. Notice which sense is the most easily attached to it. That's your guide when you want to return. Try too, to strengthen the other senses.

Are you breathing?

Remember, you cannot control what he does or doesn't do.
You can only control what *you* do.
If you want to use, it will be because *you* want to use. It has nothing to do with him. And taking responsibility for our choices begins with taking a breath.
A deep cleansing breath.

Shalom!

[mikiglen]

been there, done this
turn the ringer off and don't pick it up to star 69 and see if he's called.
go to bed

[Alycia]

thank you guys dearly. Thank u for ur wise words. Also Mikiglen, that is kind of funny what u say, cuz that is exactly what I do, well use to when I was hook of him about 3 months ago, and prob will hit *69 in the morning, but I already disconnected the phone. I almost always have it off the hook, at night so it doesn't wake anyone up, or if I get any scary calls, and durning nap, and when I am mad or have a head ache. well, now i am rambling. I ate so ice cream and now feel better. I am still worried about all the tests she did today, and I have a ultrasound on tues to see if I have cists. TOo much stress! but I should be glad god gave me life and that I have all of you!

[emmer]

I think it was our friend Peter who said to me when I wanted to kick someones head in that i was most likley experincing the baseball bat effect.
You want to pick up the bat and start swinging.
People can say the most madning things during a broken relationship ....and i know what you mean by wanting to use.
The worse thing for me is being pissed and the other thing is when I'm very stressed.
It's then that i want to take a bunch of "whatever pills- and let the pills cope for me.
But we can't do that....It'll kill us.
I took Peter's very wise advice and I tried to let it go.......that was the best thing I did for myself.
It aint easy but it sure is do-able.
Alycia , I really hope you can find someone to sit for your kids when your going to NA
cuz NA really works and there are a lot of people there that can relate 100%
Plus it's fun going to NA. Keep posting. .....Joe

[Alycia]

Thanks joe, he wrote me an email saying

ok get angry fine but always cut me down...why?
I called to have them over then you tell me to f my mom and that I WILL GO NO WHERE ANS YOU WILL.
YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND BY NOW ACTIONS LIKE THAT ONLY WILL BE KARMIC REACTIONS OF THE WORSE...THE SCALE SHOWS YOUR GOING UP EVERYDAY AND LETS NOT GET INTO F'N THE FAMILY. ...Its not my falt you have to many kids. I'm sure the state isnt happy about it either
How could you be one person one day and evil the next
only to hurt your self...I wish you well anyway.
just go to court and leave me alone if all you can do is try to hurt


he know how much I have been feeling horrible about my weight, what an ass. And it is kind of funny how he switches things around saying that I am making fun of him and this is what I wrote him

u hurt me!!! ON tues all I did is call u and asked ur mom to wake u up please and she starts screaming at me, take them with, cuz it isn't my prob and I am not waking him up. She just kept saying I don't care, figure it out ur self and leave us alone. Then she said I have my own probs over and over and then she hung up on me. So I start balling my head off. Dale only has 3 seats, and was going to be there in 8 mins. I call back and u answer with an attitude, I have to go see my dad it isn't all about you alycia. You could of told me the night before or earlier that morning. I had to tell dale I couldn't go, by the time I got a hold of missy, I called the program to tell them I'd be late and they said the already closed for the day early at 10:00 for the holiday and were closed the next day. I was without for 2 days cuz u couldn't pick up a phone!! Your mom treated me horribley and I don't know why???? Then I ask you about tomorrow and right away start causing an attitude, why can't u take him, were with the other boys be, and why should I. And then so on. I was balling, god thinking why me???? I can't do this all alone! And now u send me this email about how the scale shows your going up everyday. that is really really really horrible to say to a person, now that was mean cuz u know how much I care about my weight. You had to find the words that would hurt, right Roger. You already got me good last tues. Everytime I call u, u yell at me, and be a jerk. I am going to Na classes to better myself and do good for my kids, and u put me down and say watch ur own kids, who says I am going to be here??? u say, well there is 24 hours in a day, u can watch him for 1 hr. You have something against him, u and ur mom, seeing u both never want to see him, even when things were well, u didn't and ur ma hasn't asked to see him since feb of 2006. That is horrible and u guys will have to explain to him why u weren't in his life! HOw can u treat Sage so well but want nothing to do with LOgan?????????? what is wrong with him?????? cuz he has my blood in him????????? YOu can't call and say would wed at 4 work for me to see Logan, I would be like hell ya, but no one calls. Well the state wants u to pay child support and is going to take ur liscense if you don't. You say it is ok if Amber pays u, well u can't eat ur cake and have it too. Asi' es' Lavidas! - thats life

well, I am going to bed, I hurt bad and need to get some sleep. and get him out of my brain!