For family members & friends of addicts, your Questions answered

[kittykat01]

I am starting this thread for those out there that have loved ones that are addicted. I know that we bring alot of shame, resentments, and pain to our families. This thread is for you, to ask the questions that burn in your heart, on how to help your addicted love one. Ask any question that burns in your heart, and we will do our best to answer it. If you have a suggestion, or comment, or just want to release some garbage, this is for you. Because you also need to heal, and be healed. This is your thread, we are here to support you.....

[liveweyerd]

How precious! You DO realize you are probably going to be flooded. Dear Abby will be jealous! LOL

[marle]

I don't enable my daughter financially anymore. I don't live in denial about her addiction. I guess my question is about emotional enabling. I refuse to do that now too, but sometimes I feel guilt about that. I have not seen or talked to her in about 4 months because the last time I saw her all she did was sit on the pity pot about her abusive abf. (Told me how he was verbally and physically abusive, showed me burns from cigarettes, bruises, etc.) She will not take steps to help herself and I know that I can't be the one to fix her problems. She knows that we will give her a ride to rehab, but will not find or pay for it. So I guess what I am asking is did you expect your loved ones to be supportive in an emotional way even though it was causing them pain to listen. Thanks, Marle

p.s. I do believe that this is emotional manipulation on her part. Things like telling me the abf will dump her body in the woods if she od's but yet refusing to text me once in a while to let me know she is okay. That is almost more painful than the addiction.

[kittykat01]

I am so glad that you are able to realize that enabling her is destructive. In my active addiction I also used emotional manipulation. I did it, like her, to get what I wanted - when I wanted it. And until I was ready, noone could get me into treatment. I think you are doing the right thing. When you put your foot down, basically you are saying- no, I'm not putting up with this anymore, I love you, but I am not going to enable you anymore. When she finally figures out that she can't play that card with you, she will realize what she needs to do to have her in your life. The best thing you can do is be tough. Its hard, I'm a mother, I know. But I know you want and need her better, and the only way she is going to take responsibility, is if you make her. I hope this helps. Many prayers for you and your family. I wish you peace and much sober love...

[splendra]

It seems like everyone in my family is an addict of some sort. Food drugs and alcohol seem to be the main addictions but there are others.

All of my siblings have been in trouble with the law because of drugs to of them have been to prison one of them is on the way back...

My H is an addict a term he denies to no end...right now he is sleeping in my driveway because i put all of his stuff that was inside the house in his truck. I have asked him to leave. Some folks think I should call the cops to make him leave or send some goons over...I realize that he does not want to go...he probably does feel very insecure. Mostly I just ignore him and if I do say anything to him I say "oh...you're still here"? He owes his ex back child support and I keep hoping the law will come after him for that but, they haven't yet zI guess it is back log....I have thought about telling his the sherrif has been by looking for him but I don't know if he would believe me...too I hate to be the one lying...

[kittykat01]

As a child from a addiction family, as I was, its very difficult to get out of the endless routine. It seemed natural for me, the disfunction. I am glad that you decided to put your foot down, but you mustn't give in. If you do, it will never stop. I know you already know the drill. Perhaps, you may need to call the sheriff, just to get him some help. It might be his wake-up call. Only you can make that decision, I know it is difficult. When I got in trouble legally, some time ago, in my active addiction, my family didn't bail me out. They had many times before, but this time, they didn't. I sat in there for 12 days, detoxing was very difficult. I was not mad at them, I knew that I needed the time out. It helped alot, although I would never wish anyone jail, it actually helped me. I hope this helps, maybe you could call the sheriff and ask for some advise, most would be able to point you in the right direction or if he has a probation officer, call and ask for help. Its time you started healing from all the pain, consentrate on you for awhile...I will be praying for you. With much sober love to you.

[kodris]

Firstly Kittykat thanks coz I really need to be answered!


Heroin, my Girl that I love to pieces has been using for a year and i only found out recently.

I told her family and now she has'nt spoken or contacted me for over three weeks (heart renching I gave her everything I had) is the love just hidden away behind anger and confussion or do they really just not care anymore will she call again how can I help the healing for both of us.

Oh Im rambling but I just want some ones take this makes no sense andIm feeling lost and isolated!

[t_a_n_y_a_]

Originally Posted by kodris

Firstly Kittykat thanks coz I really need to be answered!


Heroin, my Girl that I love to pieces has been using for a year and i only found out recently.

I told her family and now she has'nt spoken or contacted me for over three weeks (heart renching I gave her everything I had) is the love just hidden away behind anger and confussion or do they really just not care anymore will she call again how can I help the healing for both of us.

Oh Im rambling but I just want some ones take this makes no sense andIm feeling lost and isolated!

I don't think any one of us can tell you whether she'll be back to you or not. All I can say is in the depths of my cocaine addiction I removed myself from everyone I truly loved.

[nmt51605]

hi kittykat
i really appreciate you posting this
i know the journey to recovery is long and hard for my f
but sometimes i feel like he doesnt want me there he is in treatment and has been clean for sometime now
but is there ever going to be a time when i fully trust him again eventhough i know he is staying away from everything or is there always going to be a big fat pink elephant with us in the room?
hope you can answer

[kittykat01]

NMT-Our journey of recovery starts with ourselves, we must face all those demons that made us us/drink in the first place. He is just taking time to heal, or maybe its another reason. I don't know.What you should do is get some help yourself, talk to someone about your feelings, go to an- alanon meeting, but you also must heal from this disease. They say addiction is a family disease, and it is. All the members of our family must change and grow and stop being enablers. If your relationship is meant to be, a little therapy or meetings will only make it stronger. Its time that you healed also. And as far as the trust is concerned, as a recovering addict myself, it will take a long time for it to come back to you, but eventually it will. As long as both parties are willing to work on it, it will work out. I wish you the best..

[kittykat01]

kodris- The unfortunate part of the disease of addiction is that we hurt the ones we love. I understand that you did the bravest thing for your friend, the only thing you could have done. Don't feel guilty about it. It shows how much you care for her. But that is where it ends, she must care for herself, as well. And right now she doesn't. She isn't ready to get help, she hasn't hit her bottom yet. You need to make boundaries, and so does her family. Tell her you love her, but until she gets help, there is nothing that you can do for her. You deserve to be happy. And you are not responsible for hers. She is just playing with your emotions right now, cause that is the only tool she has. Keep your chin up, try and talk to the family again, maybe you can all go talk to a counselor or go to an alanon meeting together....I wish you the best.

[BigSis]

Here's one I called my (still actively using) addicted son about the other day.

I have long held the idea that giving money to street people enabled their disease. Then, after I got into recovery (I am an alcoholic and alanon), I heard many folks saying that sometimes, that one dollar was all that kept them alive for one more day.... another day they had available to seek recovery, or not.

The line was no longer black and white.

So I was approached by an obviously using young man while pumping gas the other day. I didn't go buy him a cup of coffee or candy bar, or hand him a dollar.... I just apologized and told him "no".

Then felt guilty about it. The man reminded me very much of a someone I know who is sober today... but struggling.

I called my son and asked - would you have given the man a dollar?

His answer was "yes".... without any hesitation. I said, "no doubt, huh?" Nope - but he could understand why I didn't.

Wish I did. I just feel guilty.


So, kittykat... what would you have done?

[SaTiT]

I'm like Splendra. My family is dyesfucntional as heck
in so many ways..Yet, you probraby get a wrong impression
that i grew up in a traler park or something, when I say
that..

Heck, no..i come from upper midle class back ground.

My father is a alki, still drinking like a fish. But you can't
tell by the clothe he wears, the job he has, the car he
drives and where he lives..But man, if you step inside
the house..there like a crazy vibe going..

Growning up like that effected me in ways that i didn't
know was wrong or unhealhty.

Getting clean and sober was hard..but after while,
I still was reacting or thinking in my old ways and caring
or the family's legacy..lol

i don't know about you all..
i'm an addict/alki, codi, and ACOA.

[anvilhead]

but is it OUR job to keep others alive so that they MIGHT seek recovery?

perhaps the underlying theme there might be....is it OUR job to RESCUE them?

on my drive to work there used to be a corner that homeless individuals would hang out with signs etc....it did not feel right to me to hand them money, altho even that was rather arrogant of me to assume it would go to bad intent. so in a marvel of rationalization, i'd often hand them a cigarette instead. i guess that made ME feel better to give SOMETHING. one day i was hanging up new(er) work clothes for my beloved and folding up the old, tattered but very clean jeans and tshirts (he works in masonry, nothing lasts very long) and i thought to myself...aha! so instead of tossing them out, i put them in the back seat of my car, and offered them instead! did the same thing with his used but wearable work boots.......one gal danced around like she just got a new prom dress when i gave her a nice thick long sleeved sweatshirt....she said how's it look? i told her it matched her eyes........

[Spiritual Seeker]

My 23 yr. olf AS is completely alienated from his family, including me, his mom.
He lives just a few mi. from his grandma and Never even calls her. He has no relationship with his stepbrothers and friends from HS. He has only come to my house 2x in the last couple of yrs and that was to pick up a piece of furniture that his gf wanted and to pick up his IRS check. I thought we were close when he was a child. Now he says family is not important.He is emotionally untouchable. The few times I see him, usually because I stop by his job, a witness there you wouldn't even think this was my son. When he ever gets sober I hope this can be reversed.

[kittykat01]

I want to thank all of you that has posted on this thread. I really appreciate the love and care that has been shown here. If your questions weren't answered or answered the way you thought, I can only say, for me, what has worked in my life. Every addict and alcoholic is different as are our recovery. What works for one person might not work for another. You must look deep within yourself, it is there where you answers are. However, I do suggest taking the steps, as family members or addicts/alcoholics to get some help to heal. There are many programs out there, you might have to dabble to find the one that works for you. Again, I appreciate, and I think most would agree, your responses have been well appreciated.

For Big Sis-
enabler-one that enables another to achieve an end,one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior
No, I wouldn't give a dollar. That may seem cold to you but, In my experience with my addictions, I wouldn't take responsibility for myself until I was forced to. I would offer much more than money would provide; something to drink or eat, a ride to a shelter, or the most important, love. The heart can purchase much more than a dollar could ever bring. And if it is accepted, the chance of helping is magnified.

[kittykat01]

For those family members, also suffering from the disease of addiction:

Remember that addiction is a family disease. The entire family needs to help each other and get help. There are many good programs out there, also many great books. If anyone needs any suggestions to good recovery books, let me know. I have a list. Remember that there is hope for all out there still suffering. All you have to do is live one day, one step, at a time...

[WalkOfFaith]

Hi all, I've been mostly lurking and reading every day for the past few months. The knowledge I've gained here is priceless! I do have two questions for the addict that I hope you can answer:

1. When you lie do you really believe the story you're telling? Has lying become such a way of life that reality is unreachable? I am convinced that there have been times when the alcoholics in my life have truly, truly BELIEVED the lies they were telling at the time!

2. When you try to sober up what works the best to help get you through those times of tremendous emotion - when you're feeling all the feelings you have numbed out for so long?

3. What do you need from me, from a program ,etc. to reach the place in your heart and head where your self esteem is no longer based on your actions to save everyone, be everyone's hero, where everyone needs to love you?

Thank you so much for this thread! I look forward to your response

[Peter]

I will try to answer two of your questions.


1. When you lie do you really believe the story you're telling? Has lying become such a way of life that reality is unreachable? I am convinced that there have been times when the alcoholics in my life have truly, truly BELIEVED the lies they were telling at the time!

Yes. In order to be a convincing liar I often had to condition myself into believe the lies were real. However as hard as it may seem to understand, there were many times when I swore to my loved ones that I WAS GONNA STOP that I really meant what I was saying but my ability to resist the powerful call of drugs would always fail me .



When you try to sober up what works the best to help get you through those times of tremendous emotion - when you're feeling all the feelings you have numbed out for so long?

Crying helped.Yup good old fashioned salt and water tears. Being with my friends in recovery helped. Speaking at NA meetings helped. Listening to others tell their stories and being able to identify helped. Reading recovery and uplifting material helped. Listening to music helped.Exercise helped.Watching films of people with real courage helped eg.Gandhi, William Wallace (Braveheart), Jesus Christ, Reminding myself of the amount of suffering in the world and remembering to be grateful for what I have.....helped.....

[2ala2]

My whole life was lies 24/7 when I was active. The funny thing is that I would actually believe my own lies sometimes, that's how I was clouded my brain was. I hurt those closest to me the most. They did not know what was right from wrong in the end.
Alcoholics are insane and like the book says "insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting diffirent reults.
When I sobered up, i learned to reach out, to call for help, to let it out and not let it pile up inside of me. I learned that I do not need to be alone anymore and that my way is not always the right way if it ever is.....

[janelle91]

I would love to find a book that is titled "What to expect from a recovering addict", my husband is only been in rehab for a week, and he is so unpredictable. The first conversation was great after a week from not speaking to him. The second and third conversation was horrible. Its like he is in there finding faults with me and attacking me every chance he gets. I unfortunately let it get to me and I truly feel that right now I am getting the worst part of this deal. I feel guilty and I shouldn't. Does anyone know of some reading material that can help me get through this and be more prepared for each stage as it comes along?

[Peter]

Welcome to the forums janelle. Perhaps if you tried posting your question in the "Friends and Family of Substance Abusers" forum you might get more feedback.Hope you find some answers

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/