Setting yourself up

[t_a_n_y_a_]

I think one of the hardest things for me to accept about many of my relapses was the fact that I had purposely set myself up for them. no I would NEVER have admitted that to you or myself at that time, or even afterwards. It was of course never my "intention" but simply an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to my using again. Today an "old friend" called me (i think we all understand what that means). She wanted to get together with me. I suddenly desperately wanted to go. I wasn't sure why......or at the time I didn't know why. In the back of my head I know my addict thoughts were rearing their ugly head "Oh what an easy way to put myself in a situation where I can plead no fault and still relapse." I sat there all night thinking of reasons why I should still go just to prove to myself that wasn't WHY I was doing, but once again it was a set up, one of my own creation. I'm glad I have the clarity to sift through these thoughts now. For that i'm thankful for my sobriety

[Barto]

I can’t remember whether I just asked you if you found that closed meeting you were looking for the other day.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

There are NO closed meetings here, they're all open! Gr! There's a CA meeting tonight. Still wondering if I should go....figure one time won't hurt but don't know if i'll get there or not.

[Sugah]

You know, Tanya, I've been in meetings where I've said things that really got under the skin of oldtimers. I guess it doesn't help that I wear a Buddha pendant in a predominantly Christian area, that I purposefully change the pronouns to the feminine when I read or refer to an aspect of my HP....or when I tell the more stubborn ones that my junkie past is no different from their hard drinking, and it's ego that makes them not want to admit that they're more than cousins but rather brothers and sisters in this funky family of ours....

And I said all that to say this: Not long ago, we were talking about the very topic you brought up, and I suggested that if mental relapses, that part of the scheming and planning that led up to a "slip" were included in sober time, there wouldn't be any oldtimers, and the only thing that separates us from the folks that go back out the door to drink (or use) again is that, by the grace of whatever HP we rely on, we pick up the tools before it's too late. They all nodded in agreement with that!

You've got tools, Tanya.

Keep them in your back pocket so you can feel them every time you're tempted to sit on your ass!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Barto]

How about just listening at that open meeting than. Of course, you know it could hurt ... your disease (of addiction) that is.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

Well I could just not say anything or associate with people, but then they might think im a bitch....or high

[Barto]

Who cares what they think. On second thought, let me tell you about the general population at meetings. 90% of them are constantly thinking about themselves. They don’t know how to think about anything else. Now some of the guys will be looking at you, but believe me, they will be thinking about themselves.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

I guess I don't particularly care, but if I chose to go back i'd liek to seem like an approachable person...not someone with a huge sign on their forehead "DONT TALK TO ME OR ILL DECK YOU". Yoru right though (about thinking of themselves), and they should be anyways. I'm there for me not anyone else

[Barto]

I don’t think you are one, but there are those that come in with serious attitudes, and they have always been welcomed back that I can tell. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Is cocaine one of your drugs of choice as they say?

[t_a_n_y_a_]

yes cocaine is my DOC. I'd dabbled in others and codeine was for a long while before but cocaine grabbed me by the proverbial balls

[Barto]

So, we have another thing in common. Cocaine is the drug that brought me to my knees a while back. Well, I encourage you to go with an open mind. Not sure where you stand on the “God,” or “spirit of the universe” issue, but if you have any belief, just bring it with you.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

I do believe in a universal power. Its complicated but lets leave it at I definitely have something to bring with me. 3 hours till meeting time (its been awhile since i've gone to one)

[Barto]

I tried to PM you with regard to the spiritual topic, but your box was full.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

I emptied it, feel free to message now

[Barto]

Woops, wrong button