pressure

[Rain]

I’ve been doing it again, on and off for the past couple of months. Not enough to feel like I need it…just enough to really want it. Before now I had not touched that stuff in three years.( I mean sort of, I couldn’t stop right away) I left my old high school and went to a boarding school, and left that life behind…however my senior year I started developing anorexia and as graduation approached that and everything else got worse and I started doing it again.

I guess you could say all my problems start and end with this guy. Now I realize I am in charge on my own life, my own feelings and I make my own decisions, therefore nothing is anyone’s fault but my own. I’m not blaming him in that way. It’s just…every time I feel low enough to want to do snow, it usually starts with him. It’s a situation of unrequited love, he’s the only person I’ve ever let myself care about, the only person who’s ever really cared about me. I always distance myself from people, never get close to people…never care about them etc. but with him it’s completely different. He is like the drug that replaced coke when I quit using. And he has a girlfriend now, has no capacity or time for anyone else.

That hurts. A lot. I’ve been gaining weight and I hate myself for that. I’m staring as a college freshman in the fall and because I screwed around so bad for three years I only got into one school and I hate it there. I completely dread everything that is too come in the future and constantly find myself thinking about killing myself, the thing is I cold never do that…and I guess you could say…coke is almost like a security blanket, it’s what I have to fall back on. Because it really is coming down to the decision of coke or killing myself, that’s what scares me. That I might now be able to live with myself and my life while sober. I know it will screw my life so bad, it’ll hurt the people I care about, it’ll only be hurting myself, making matters worse, but I feel like it’s getting the point where I don’t really have a decision.

[2ala2]

Hey Rain,
I feel your hurt.
Things don't get better when you're high. They only seem like they do. They actually get worse, much worse.
It seems like it's over with this guy. He doesn not love you. It's obvious.
You a little overweight is tons better than you addicted to coke.
"coke or killing myself"...hmmmm.....coke IS killing yourself.
You always have a decision.
Have you tried going to an NA meeting. Many are like you. I am exactly like you.
Take Care.

[lotustea]

Rain
I was in a similar position with a guy in college and it was one of the lowest points of my life. Dont let these feelings go on any longer -- reach out to someone (meeting/therapist) and figure out why you are feeling this way. THere are reasons for it all and understanding makes all the difference. I would urge you to see a counsellor ot therapist. Usually schools have one that is free. If you dont want to do the school one get a reference for one outside.
lotus

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Rain,

I'll second lotustea's good advice. Don't try to deal with this all by yourself. You'll get a lot of comfort from talking about it with someone who is trained to help.

Disappointment in love is something that everyone experiences. I suspect that the boyfriend situation is only a part of the sadness, etc. that you are feeling. Anorexia is all about control. A good counselor can help you to understand your feelings and why you have them.

You can't control another's feelings (God knows I tried) but there is good news. You are young and there are MANY people out there who could be your friend, soul-mate, lover, etc. At this time in your life things feel like they are final and forever but I can tell you frankly they are not. A warm day with plenty of sunshine is just around the corner. But do reach out of help -- you'll be really glad you did.

Best,

Buzz

[t_a_n_y_a_]

Coke will and is killing you.

I know it will screw my life so bad, it’ll hurt the people I care about, it’ll only be hurting myself, making matters worse, but I feel like it’s getting the point where I don’t really have a decision.

You say you KNOW it will but do you really? I said the same thing as you. I hope your not on your knees for some dealer before you realize how bad it really is fu(king your life.

Guess what? That guys not the only one who ever cared about you. I don't even know you and trust me I care. I care that your hurting yourself, I care that your suffering. I have been there and much lower, including the anorexia. Turn to someone you trust, family/close friend and get some help. I hope you don't have to reach the lowest of the low before you "know" it's screwing your life. In the midst of an addiction we aren't thinking rationally enough to fully understand the consequences.