Guess What guys ?

[JEI2950]

today I relaped again after 41 days , and now I feel like sh*t ,I was just talking to Northbelle about recovery after relape and now I done did it . I have no excuses and the blame is entirely on me , I let Wife2be's attitude send me there and I am feeling really bad right now .....41 days yall I was on my way. regretfully. Jei

[squirty]

Hey JEI. You can get through this. You have before!!

It's weird isn't it how easily we can give advice to others whilst simultaneously f**king up our own life!

I don't know whether you've been reading my stuff but I've just relapsed as well and am on day 1 today. I too was giving advice to North whilst using and pretending I was ok!

I bet if we asked North as well she would probably tell us she'd been on here giving advice to people while she was using and pretending she was ok!

We're strange people us addicts!!!

But we're all being honest now. Seems to me that is essential for recovery. I spoke honestly in a meeting today for the first time. It felt good.

Big healing hugs to you, Squirty x

[northbelle]

Yes..yes I have given advice while using!! Sometimes, the messenger, never gets the message themselves!
JEI!!! Its ok...just a little blip on the screen..you are not strung out..did not get arrested..nobody got hurt (except your head!!)..all those yets and potential things that could happen to us..
So what happened??..are ya straight now?
I am..and I when I read your post the other morning..when I was sick and shaking..(still have nasty anxiety)...it gave me stregnth..let me know people REALLY DO care..that I was NOT alone!!!
And you are not alone..just know that right here at SR there is a community of folks who stick together..despite our character defects..no matter what ..we are accepted here !
Maybe you could post more and that might help. Just a thought ..gotta go catch the bus to pick up my kid downtown..I have rode 8 buses today..my legs ache..but I press on...we have to keep trying JEI..what is our option???Not pretty thats for sure!! Here in sobriety we have a chance..
love north

[Brewster]

Well, that sort of thing happened to me to JEI. Went a couple of months clean and "relapsed". But I didn't enjoy it and it made me stronger. Just like falling off a bike, I got back on. You've moved down the road. You went back to visit but now it's back to the road to recovery for you.

We're not disapointed in you. Begin again.

[emmer]

Hey JEI , don;t feel too bad. i relapsed sooooooo many times i was getting embaressed to go to n.a.
everybody there understood though. i think i relased 23 times (thats when i stopped counting anyhow). I have pumped 1000's and 1000's and 1000's of pills thru my system and have done a variety of other drugs believe me, and now i/m clean finally ...about 7 months or maybe more.
Norbelle and others have been a big big help to me. i still have some mental problems but they are far less now that i'm clean. may God bless you.

[Peter]

Put some tape on the bruises and get back in the race. Stop looking back.

[tyler]

Originally Posted by JEI2950

today I relaped again after 41 days , and now I feel like sh*t ,I was just talking to Northbelle about recovery after relape and now I done did it . I have no excuses and the blame is entirely on me , I let Wife2be's attitude send me there and I am feeling really bad right now .....41 days yall I was on my way. regretfully. Jei

You are still on your way. Like Peter said, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start again tomorrow. You still have those 41 days. You have the knowledge you gained. You know more about what can trigger a relapse. Just cuz you used doesn't mean you have to keep using. Took me a long time to figure that one out. Take care.

[Arura]

Hang in there JEI.....as the Others have said ....''Dust yourself off ..and back too it''..!!

Dont let it linger ...in your life ..your Makeing Progress ....

[Done-With-It]

You have a Great attitude, I like how you know that you said 'you let' your wife2bes
attitude make you do it, you can also turn right back around into recovery mode.
You know where your power lies, right within self. You have it goin on.
You are going to make it.

[chiynita]

HI Jei..Sorry to hear that.
I did the same 2 weeks ago. Had 60 days for the first time in years.
Was doing good and out of nowhere ther I went.
I blew it bigtime last time.
Got a week stay in the hospital I let it break me so bad.
But it's nothing that cant be fixed.
Just brush them shoulders off.
Take it as a lesson learned and try again.

[squirty]

JEI are you okay? Stick with us my friend

Love Squirty x

[parentrecovers]

it's ok, jei. it's a tough disease. don't lose hope, k

[JEI2950]

Thank you all for your posts , I won't post up for too long , I still have DT's and feeling sick , head hurts too , but I really appreciate you guys , I was really feeling regretful and kinda kicking myself and thinking about the 41 days but I realize that it was truly a learning experience and my path to recovery has to be more finely tuned that's all ,trying to feel better mentally and your posts help tremendously , I love you all , pray for me and i'm going to lay down now, hope to post later see yall then . thank you for being there for me JEI

[GratefulGirl]

hi jei - like everyone else has said already - keep going!!! youre still "on your way" and just think of this as a bump in the road. you can do it!!!

[JEI2950]

I wanted to correct something that may have been implied within my post , I wasn't using when I replied to North's original post , what I did was worst. I gave advice and offered support while sober but less that 3 hours later , I ignored my own advice and ignored all that I have learned and I didn't post , I allowed a negative responce to a domestic indifference ,to fester within me to the point of poisoning myself and eventually leading me right into relapse , I physically felt sick when I walked to the neighborhood where I shouldn't have , Every step made the illness worst , I turned and went back home , put the money away and a couple hours later returned again , I had done this at least three times and finally I gave in entirely , but it is important to note that before these last 41 days , I was how we say in Philly , " Yard Out " I went straight from the negative thought into negative action . the guilt didn't hit me until after I used , this time I felt it before I even left the house , I did NOT want to lose my freakin days yall , I did not . getting a little misty , I will post later when the tears are done , Jei

[cali]

JEI-
I totally relate to where you are right now---I have sabotaged my "days" more times than I can count. The words that stick with me are "start where you stand".
One day at a time we can do this!! I am praying for you toady my brother in recovery

[calabash]

Jei,
Its okay to relapse, as long as it teaches us a bit more about our recovery! When I relapsed, my sponsor asked me what my plan was to prevent another relapse. Recovery in my experience needs a plan. For me that was looking at what I was resisting in my recoverey, getting stuck into my stepwork, keeping close to my sponsor, and finally keeping going to meetings. Oh, and lots of prayer.

Now this was My plan.

What is yours.

Oh yes, we cannot change the past, but can influence the present.

Take care and enjoty the journey to being who you truly are
With love and strength

Calabash

[JEI2950]

Sorry to say SR family but I went back out , first time was Friday afternoon , then while talking to my brother seeking advice and just venting my frustration , I put my clothes back on and went back out Friday Evening , I sobered up on Saturday morning until that afternoon and went back out then I repeated the same for Sunday . I have completely lost control and I just spent the last hour praying like never before ,and I realized that I had taken God out of my recovery and hadn't acknowledged him properly , I am not starting another day one process , my recovery has to be a complete and utter life change , I have surrendered all of it , I let go of the controls and I am letting God handle it , the grief of losing my days worked on me something awful and there was also a a great feeling of guilt ,I thought that I couldn't be forgiven and that I might as well just say F it and ride it to the grave , and my family has been through the ringer ,in three days time I have tore apart my family and the trust that I had in such high regard and thought that I valued , gone . Children obtaining a sence of security and consistancy , gone , My bills were caught up minus one ( I was working on it ) looking at the calculations caught up bills , gone and my relationship with Wife2Be wasn't perfect even within the 41 days I enjoyed sober , but it was making improvements she actually started to trust me again and guess what , gone . I am going to continue praying not for help to resist temptation , not to gain strength , I am going to ask for a complete release of these addictions , COMPLETELY !! and mabey I may not be approaching this correctly but the God that I believe in can take this completely away from me and I am going to ask that he does just that ,sorry that I had no really good news to report ,but I am taking it to the Highest Authority I know , and that's where I'm leaving it , PRAY 4 ME AS I WILL 4 YOU . JEI

[GwenMarie30]

I will say a prayer for you now. Its good to see you still here and trying. PM me if you need to talk.

[cali]

Keep coming back JEI no matter what! Get yourself to a meeting.
Prayers are on the way~

[woops]

I am so sorry you are going thro this just now - but I suspect we have all had similar experiences? You are no different. Dont know if that is any comfort!
I think that the first few weeks of abstinence can be especially tense at home - for all sorts of reasons. So many reasons relating to relationships, control, trust etc etc. Its a very confusing and difficult time for everybody. For you - yourself - to be coping with normal family life/normal family problems alongside others in the family coping with you...............
But - you cannot make your recovery contingent on the reactions of others, when it really has nothing to do with anyone except you. You're the one who will benefit from recovery and who will be hurt by relapse. Ultimately, its not what others think but your own attitudes that will make or break your recovery, and so I think this is what you should focus on. I think that many addicts in early abstinence are sensitive to attempts by others to control their recovery. You may feel yourself irritated by a person's attempt to monitor your recovery? So - you need to talk this over with someone - outside the family - who can offer advice and support (AA or NA?). Find a way to handle it other than using. The person may be "codependent", trying to control you the way you tried to control your drug. Emotional detachment, to the extent that you can muster it, is probably the best way to handle such situations. Instead of reacting to them, try acting from what you know is right for you. Try humour if you can? Try not to react - especially with anger............. always remembering that you have to try to understand how your addiction has affected the family members.
There is so much more to breaking an addiction than just stopping use....... getting off is the first step........staying off is the real challenge........
You have lots of self knowledge, Jei - and this is another opportunity to learn from experience.......... So the experience has not been all negative. Time for you and your future wife to talk and learn more about one another's anxieties, fears, hopes...
Take care, Jei - I know you are suffering the dreadful physical symptoms of withdrawal again - but these will be gone so quickly......... now time to really think and focus on long term recovery.............. and I am sure you will.
woops

[squirty]

Sending lots of healing hugs to you JEI.

Wish I could say more to help. I don't have any answers at the moment though.

Have faith in yourself.

Squirty x

[elsa]

JEI2590,

I understand the depths of your despair and guilt right now. We work so hard at being clean and then pooff it is gone in an instant. All the trust, beginnings of self confidence etc ...I totally understand where you are. When I have relapsed I sometimes feel like what is the point, but I pick myself up and start anew..starting anew ( instead of again) helps me remain positive. You have obtained 41 days before, you can do it again plus!! I have let myself relapse because of the way my husband treats me, looks at me with disgust, but I have not and will not give up. He can think what he wants, I can only do this for me and damn it I will get it right. And so will you. I will say a prayer for you. You have done it before you CAN do it again and better, you know the way.


Love
Elise

[JEI2950]

Elise ,I have been fighting with the very same issues ,with my Wife2Be , she looks at me with disgust sometimes too ,and she can be very vindictive and self-centered and I used immediately following an arguement that we were having because she was trying to justify and give an explaination for a lie that I caught HER in , she said some very hurtful things to me and instead of praying and forgiving her ,I allowed my mind to polluted with negative thoughts and I took the most hurtful thing that she said and held on to it , disregarding her apology , disregarding my faith and ran with it right into a three day run , I have now come to the understanding that if I put God first in my life that there shouldn't be anything that she could say or do to me to make me respond with anything but forgiveness , and patience . I have to stop allowing her insensitivity and my negative responce to it to threaten and destroy my sobriety , During those last 41 days , I have come to an understanding that I wasn't even doing it for me ,I was trying to reestablish her trust and mabey improve the relationship and guess what ? some things improved but for the most part, it remained the same as if my sobriety didn't mean anything ,I was doing it all for the wrong reasons , I have an obligation to God first and then myself second , all else will fall into place and if it doesn't then mabey this isn't what was meant for me , but I will no longer seek sobriety for anyone else but me , this is what I want for me and I know now how to obtain it , Thank you so very much for your relplies Elsa and everyone the transision that I am going through now is new to me , it is of a spiritual nature and I am finding peace within it , I will answer all posts and in writing hope to exorcise all my remaining demons . Mad love for all JEI

[chiynita]

Hi Jei..Sry your struggling.
But dont quit. And please dont let it get you to where you feel it isnt worth the effort anymore.
I dont know if you saw my posts of what I did when I relapsed 2 weeks ago.
I had 60 days for the first time in years.
I too was doing so good. Bills caught up..got the job back for the 4th time.
Everyone proud of me. Felt freakin great.
And for some reason..No reason really...out of nowhere. There I was back in the gutter getting high.
After I spent my money..went to my job and robbed the safe. All the while my grams is having blood loss and has to have 2 transfusions.
Well when I finally made it home after 3 days. I ate over 200 pills and freaked the F out and called and cussed everyone out. Including my boss..whom I robbed. I never admitted to anything tho. I am not stupid. But I was cussing my family out...my boss..the cops.
Ended up stabbing myself 5 times in the stomach. Twice in the leg. And not little pokes. Bad enough where I passed out and had to be rushed to the hospital unconscious. Major surgery to fix my small intestine and 60 sta