Being a cutter

[ciryda]

This addiction was one of the hardest to kick. It was usually associated with severe
depression and heavy alcoholic binges.It began at age 11 and I have been locked up
in several Mental Units and suicide watch rooms in the past 26 years. Dr.s think it is
fueled by my drinking and drug addiction.Though I have had episodes where alcohol
has not been a factor. Most of my tendons on my wrists are cut as well as my viens,the ones I didn't burn-out from injecting dope. My body is scarred with over
750 razor cuts most of which have had to be stitched up or stapled. Every cut has a
painful dark story. I dont talk about this in recovery meetings because I feel people
won't understand. Is self harming behavior as dark a secret as people would imagine?
Any help or insight would be appreciated on what to do from here on out.

[Faith2Change]

I began cutting at 13. Most people don't understand unless they've been through it and done it themselves. It becomes a dark secret only if you try and hide it. You obviously aren't trying to hide it anymore. Usually there are certain reasons a person cuts themselves. I'm sorry for all the years you've dealt with this. Just know you are not alone, and that you can overcome it. But if you are willing to share information about why you cut yourself, that would be a lot more helpful. Feel free to send me a private message, if you'd like to talk more about this.

[sigpic][/sigpic]

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by ciryda

This addiction was one of the hardest to kick. It was usually associated with severe
depression and heavy alcoholic binges.It began at age 11 and I have been locked up
in several Mental Units and suicide watch rooms in the past 26 years. Dr.s think it is
fueled by my drinking and drug addiction.Though I have had episodes where alcohol
has not been a factor. Most of my tendons on my wrists are cut as well as my viens,the ones I didn't burn-out from injecting dope. My body is scarred with over
750 razor cuts most of which have had to be stitched up or stapled. Every cut has a
painful dark story. I dont talk about this in recovery meetings because I feel people
won't understand. Is self harming behavior as dark a secret as people would imagine?
Any help or insight would be appreciated on what to do from here on out.

Hey there Welcome to SR!!~~

Your cutting may have been fueled by your drinking but I doubt that was the sole cause. I completely agree with F2Change in that cutting is usually for a reason,
it's usually to used to express an emotion that we can't show or that is too overwhelming for us at the time. Which yea all of the emotions from any addiction do tie in together in some way shape or form, but I do personally believe that cutting is a different demon that drugs or drinking. Like you said every cut has a story, it's just different. I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk about it in recovery meetings it does scare a lot of people.
It's not so much a secret anymore but it's not acceptable and/or it just scares people because people don't understand it. It still scares some of my closest friends who know a lot about addiction, but the cutting they don't get, so I just don't
talk about with them. But there are a lot of people making the public more aware of self harm, what it is, etc. pretty soon it won't be such a dark taboo secret.
That I am sure of.

The good thing though is you "Can" quit cutting, and you can "Recover" from cutting. I have a lot of info, tips, and some great books, I'll pm you and give you some of the info.

[zencat]

This link may be of some use. it’s a Self-Injury Recovery forum. I use the PTSD forum mostly but have a friend that is working on her SI recovery. I hope it is helpful.


http://www.healthboards.com/boards/f...splay.php?f=98

[tyler]

I resorted to cutting when I was at the depths of my depression. A lot of the depression was either caused or at least aided by my drug use and drinking. For me it was a physical expression of the emotional pain I was suffering. I too have been hospitalized several times for attempted suicide and suicidal ideaitions.

There are probably some in the rooms who would understand and some who wouldn't. Have you ever worked with a theripist who specializes in depression/substance abuse? I think one on one therpy or if possible a group that focuses on cutting may be helpful.

BTW welcome to SR, it is a great place to come for support and advice, I hope you stick around. Take care.

[karlee]

I am also a self-cutter(self-abuser)..I mainly do it after I have had a few drinks.
However, I have done so many times when I have been sober..A couselor told me that a majority of women that do this were molested has a child, or been raped.
I was molested as a child and was assualted by a couselor, miltary officer, when
I was 21 years old..

[Aunty]

(((ciryda))) I know and feel your pain as I'm the Aunt of a cutter. Please look up the S.A.F.E information on their program and get a copy of their book "Bodily Harm". There are more of you out there then you are aware of and there is a lot of support across the net for it. *hugs*

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by Aunty

(((ciryda))) I know and feel your pain as I'm the Aunt of a cutter. Please look up the S.A.F.E information on their program and get a copy of their book "Bodily Harm". There are more of you out there then you are aware of and there is a lot of support across the net for it. *hugs*

Yes, I completely agree!! that's one of the things I pm'ed her with. Great book!
Great hospital!

The Impulse Control Log is a great tool for any cutter to have!!

[ciryda]

Thank you so much for suggesting the reading of the book "Bodily Harm"
I picked it up at the library and am currently reading it along with my addiction journal. The book has so much that is so very close to my story. I am learning to be
a little more open when appropriate about this illness. It has also allowed me to further explore in depth the similarities of being a dual addict,and how the paths cross at certain points in the disease. I believe it can be treated in the recovery process. I would highly reccommend this reading to anyone who suffers from SI.
Sincere thanks.

Ciryda

[cali]

Just wanted to say welcome Ciryda

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by ciryda

This addiction was one of the hardest to kick. It was usually associated with severe
depression and heavy alcoholic binges.It began at age 11 and I have been locked up
in several Mental Units and suicide watch rooms in the past 26 years. Dr.s think it is
fueled by my drinking and drug addiction.Though I have had episodes where alcohol
has not been a factor. Most of my tendons on my wrists are cut as well as my viens,the ones I didn't burn-out from injecting dope. My body is scarred with over
750 razor cuts most of which have had to be stitched up or stapled. Every cut has a
painful dark story. I dont talk about this in recovery meetings because I feel people
won't understand. Is self harming behavior as dark a secret as people would imagine?
Any help or insight would be appreciated on what to do from here on out.

Hi,

I have taken steak knifes and cut on the top part of my lower arm, I had to be stiched...the last time I cut my self was in 1996 me and my new b/f were having tension, i felt he wanted to leave me and we started to fight, i felt pissed at myself for not having control over my feelins and all i remember is going into the kitchen took a knife and one strike, it was so bad you could see the fat tissue, so I relate to you. for me it is not an addiction tho, my first time? I was hiding in the bathroom afraid to go to school, i was 13 my mom told me one of the teachers were coming over to talk to me and that if i did not go to school the court would take me away, i fliped took a knife my first time. my brother was a cutter he had a wonderful pysique and worked out, he wrecked himself on both arms, he is dead, he was very tourmented and i was able to feel what he felt, it was weird, like twins can feel...he was a alchoholic and one night he came over my moms he sat at the kitchen table, i felt what he was going to do attack our mom, he had a love and disike relationship with her, for he trook care of me and her he was only 8, he would steal, she had to put him awy and that part would come out when he was not right, well after all of us runing around the house and grounds, he almost killed our mom, i teased him, told him he was a sissy to come after me and he did, he help my throat, but then ran out of fear of harming me after a time he was in moms house went into her purse and took 100 of her valium and cried like a animal, he screamed and the sound was like a animal, he was put awaythstnight, he was a passenger in a drunk driving accident, he was killed and that was in 1990 and after 4 years of me using, i see most of that was escaping his death, among other things and things i don't know yet.
I used to be embarassed about my scars and now? people need to look beyond them to get to know me. I don't think you cutting yourself has to do with booze, something else is there I "think"
Do you get angary at yourself when you drink? Is the cutting more like your mad and out of control so you cut to not see what was bothering you? Some cutters find that once they cut they feel a sort of release and high, tho I never did, it was about me being so mad or hurt I did it without thought, i never was put away, the last time i cut myself i told the E.room that i was mugged nad did not see the person.
They knew, they just did not care enough to call psych down.
I hope you find some peace and control...if someone sees your scars, just tell them that you have manic depression and was not on the right medication, Tell a support group and shrink the truth...people can be cruel, as for me? I tell them the truth, that I was a very messed up person and through theropy don't feel the need to cut anymore.

(((Hug)))

[ciryda]

Yeah your accurate. Most or all my cutting was centered around anger issues in one degree or another.Myself I did feel a euphoric high acually before the actual act. I anticipated the high long in advance and it was a ritual I played out in my mind.
Not really sure about the 3 suicide attempts because I was sent to trauma unit to stop the bleeding. The anger and hate was directed inward to myself. Some of the events are so foggy in my memory such as almost like an altered state or a blackout.
The drugs and alcohol were a symptom and probably fueled it to cover more stuff up.
No doubt the "healing" has begun.. I never had a place for my feelings. Where do I belong in society. I cant look at my lies or do I believe them? Self injury relieves my hatred and anger. It has always worked before. Cruelty.I consider myself a fragile being. How many times can you put me down? Growing up it was always the same question.
Their is a form of vengence I want to execute. But who and why? Thats the better question. Living my life the way I choose a form of self insanity.I now dont have that gratifying act to relieve the pain inside. No independence I am so searching to find. I am vasilating between mind and body. A lost soul. Now you see it, now you dont.I fantacize about losing control to give into my inner rage. Making me forget. I must be lonely. Take my soul.
I don't want anyone to see my anger. I want to respond to it and the cycle then repeats itself.Again and again... I am beginning to see my sexual freedom which I have struggled with for a very long time. I am realizing that the pain is not here forever. A glimmer of hope, no longer waiting for darkness. Give me my freedom.
I dont want to follow anymore. I'm not going away. No way. No more.
Today I learning to work through the anxiety,lonlieness,fear ,depression and hatred.
No longer a one-way conversation. I dont want to be embarrassed because of my scars. I just want to be o.k. No longer living in a dreamscape. I have created art from the blood I have wept. Sick? Very sick. I said it not you.
Their is so much more. Where does it start? Where does it end?
Strong emotions conflicting with raging memories. The past so long ago. Yes alot have been documented as suspicious accidents. Yeah sound familliar? Knowing full well I will find relief. Not in a tear. They can't hear my cry. Their is no easy way out.
I just want this nightmare to end. Support and being understood has been the beginning for me. It's been a while for me now. My daughter (10) asks again and again.
I explain to her, its because I was doing drugs but i'm getting better now. I'm still sick. But with the help availiable there is hope. I am starting to pick-up the pieces.
The sadness and pain are still real, but now I am starting to feel joy, happiness,love and peace. An angel in from gods grace. Peace and stay strong.
Ciryda

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by ciryda

Yeah your accurate. Most or all my cutting was centered around anger issues in one degree or another.Myself I did feel a euphoric high acually before the actual act. I anticipated the high long in advance and it was a ritual I played out in my mind.
Not really sure about the 3 suicide attempts because I was sent to trauma unit to stop the bleeding. The anger and hate was directed inward to myself. Some of the events are so foggy in my memory such as almost like an altered state or a blackout.
The drugs and alcohol were a symptom and probably fueled it to cover more stuff up.
No doubt the "healing" has begun.. I never had a place for my feelings. Where do I belong in society. I cant look at my lies or do I believe them? Self injury relieves my hatred and anger. It has always worked before. Cruelty.I consider myself a fragile being. How many times can you put me down? Growing up it was always the same question.
Their is a form of vengence I want to execute. But who and why? Thats the better question. Living my life the way I choose a form of self insanity.I now dont have that gratifying act to relieve the pain inside. No independence I am so searching to find. I am vasilating between mind and body. A lost soul. Now you see it, now you dont.I fantacize about losing control to give into my inner rage. Making me forget. I must be lonely. Take my soul.
I don't want anyone to see my anger. I want to respond to it and the cycle then repeats itself.Again and again... I am beginning to see my sexual freedom which I have struggled with for a very long time. I am realizing that the pain is not here forever. A glimmer of hope, no longer waiting for darkness. Give me my freedom.
I dont want to follow anymore. I'm not going away. No way. No more.
Today I learning to work through the anxiety,lonlieness,fear ,depression and hatred.
No longer a one-way conversation. I dont want to be embarrassed because of my scars. I just want to be o.k. No longer living in a dreamscape. I have created art from the blood I have wept. Sick? Very sick. I said it not you.
Their is so much more. Where does it start? Where does it end?
Strong emotions conflicting with raging memories. The past so long ago. Yes alot have been documented as suspicious accidents. Yeah sound familliar? Knowing full well I will find relief. Not in a tear. They can't hear my cry. Their is no easy way out.
I just want this nightmare to end. Support and being understood has been the beginning for me. It's been a while for me now. My daughter (10) asks again and again.
I explain to her, its because I was doing drugs but i'm getting better now. I'm still sick. But with the help availiable there is hope. I am starting to pick-up the pieces.
The sadness and pain are still real, but now I am starting to feel joy, happiness,love and peace. An angel in from gods grace. Peace and stay strong.
Ciryda

Hi,

Your a very deep person, I can teel by the way you write, You feel too much? You seem to me like a poet, a dark poet trying to find light...Your very intellegent and have a big heart, but once you get hurt by someone it is hard to let it go?
The drugs will make you as with me and al addicts freaked out, even when clean, some are lucky that they do not suffer as much or at all, then again it is a curse for no pian and suffering in drug addiction will leed to more use, I see it like this: I am more not to mess up again due to the tourment of the Withdrawl symtoms I have gotten and it is mental, it is very, very intense and this is just the start...I found that using opiates allowed me not to feel and that came with the calmness with and up feeling, tho that I seldom have recived when trying to get high, it just does not work the way it did once. I took 60mgs of oxy contin, 40 in the mourning and got a bit high, but I wrote it all down rather than taking in that high, i wanted to later read it all, writing maybe very useful to you, also I urge you to find a good Psychiatrist and theropist, perhaps group theropy? for now? one on one and online let it rip, just keep on moving forward...I eat these words I type. Mental illness w/ a drug adiction/dependancy really did a number on me and I am petrified, still I hear the chemical call me...I was molested by my biological father at age 8, he caught me looking in playboy, I found the magazines in the closet in the bathroom where i was looking at his pot plants he was sprouting, I can't get into what went down here as this is not the place, but he put his hand on my pubic bone area and placed my hand on his well hard on and said that is what sex is, I was lucky, cause it could of had went another direction, tho I would have fliped on him, I was in shock, I held him on a pedastal and that day? he was lower than a pregnant ant, held him that high, so I got awy from him, i knew he would attempt again, I was in Texas, my mom? in Massachusettes, so I told him i wanted to see her for a onth in the summer, thank God it was summer, I got on that plane and never went back, tho my mom's world was colorful she was a striper and left us kids with meanbaby sitters she was not aware of, and we were silent about it, we would be locked in our bedroom and cried, hungary while the baby sitter held a party and got high, i recall my brother afraid of the wall paper, it was a bucnh of zebras running in a field, he had thought they were going to come out of the wall, all this and so much more really had messed me up and even as a adult messed up, my mom introduced me to my first trick, and then came a world of men and money, the sick thing is that I enjoyed not being me, now? I see that I have one chance to get off this **** that clamied my life for 4 years and pray to God that my cells in my brain that produce that natural opaites are there, but sleeping, if not? I my have to be on methadone or suboxone the rest of my life I fear...the knifes are old, i am recoved from a cutter and yes Bulmia, now the battle of getting my mind back...

Much love and peace to you, PM me anytime. please do not leave this world for the dead? who knows what is there and in time we all die anyway, somthing to think about, just move forward and fight your not a loser, your a human with a gift of life and inner light, it wil take time to see all of this...I also want you to kow that people always look when i first meet a person they see my scars and now? I don't care what they think, I can't and will not allow it I have too much baggage as it is...

Tammy (((HUG)))