Still in Hell....

[Ric]

Well, the past few months have been hell.

I was going great for a while. 2 months off the opiate pain medicine.

As many of you know, I had some surgery to go through and the pain medicine was a must have due to it being severe.
I still need pain relief everyday, but I abuse it.

Also, I have been told by my Psychologist that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of some stuff I had to go through in my later teenage years. And for some reason, the Opiates have always helped with PTSD.
I dont wake up screaming, have paranoia, or in my sleep grind my teeth until they crack and brake (yes it has happened a lot).
But Im just eliminating one problem with another.

I went cold turkey again 8 days ago and Im feeling better. I was able to finish withdralws in only 2 DAYS! Which is not something to brag about, since it is most likely due to the MANY times I have kicked. I guess my body has an "express lane" for opiate withdrawal.

But due to not going to work for weeks because of surgery and not showing for those two days I lost an incredible job. And Ive been smoking weed (which is rare also for me) so getting another job for the next 30 days isnt going to work either due to urine testing.

Im really in some emotional turmoil due to some other family and friendship troubles.
To be honest, Ive had some suicidal thoughts, and that is VERY rare for me.

All day long I keep thinking about 2 things and two things only - 1 How to better my life and 2 when my prescription refill is coming.
What a God damn conflicted mind I have right now.

I keep thinking about going back to college full time, but I fear I will mess it up because of my substance abuse.
I then think about joining the Military to get me away from this hell. But I have friends who have lost limbs and one got shot in the neck (he survived) from this war.
I know I have a lot of potential for a wonderful life, and I dont want to spend it in a wheelchair or a hospital bed.

But unfortunately, I have to make a decision. Stay an addict and have some life, or be clean and live in hell.

I wish I were a child again....

Many of you have been extremely caring on this board, and I know you will have some great advice. Please, tell me like it is.

[racegirl2448]

I too take opiates for cronic daily pain.... I too have the same thoughts as you.... I think about getting off all my meds but then I know my life will be crap and I will not be able to live normal or work like I must do. I have came to the conclussion that for now I would rather chance rehab to get off these meds rather than live the life I had before getting help with my cronic pain...which was no life at all. When I have surgery to replace my jaw joint I will deal with the meds then.... but until the replacement joint is deemed safe and reliable and guarenteed not to break like the one the pulled off the market last year... I will stay on these meds and live somewhat normal. I have abused my meds in the past... been trying to take them as directed and have done pretty well although there are times I mess up and take more... I do try my best to not abuse them and I am doing well 80% of the time.
( it would be easier I thiink if I did not have the pain issues I have and it would be easier to deal with if I was just taking them for fun but I do need them and that is the worst part.... how do you stop using something that has given you your life back even though you know you have an addiction it is hard...)

[northbelle]

No advice brother , just a WHOLE PLETHORA of love and respect for you and your struggle!!!
love north

in a hurry..will write more later..please keep posting!!! We do care about you here so much!!

[Chris38]

My story is sad, not in an emotional way but a pathetic way. I started vikes when I was getting stressed at work. 2 years later I started seeing a shrink, and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I'm 49 days off the vicodin, and take xanax for the stress.

A lot of folks self medicate with opiates, I was one of them. I thank God every day for not hitting rock bottom for me to find out that I was killing myself. I think about the withdrawal I went through, everything I went through to get my energy back, and that keeps me from ever wanting to use.

Have you thought of a second opinion? It is a really tough choice.

Ric, military isnt the answer. GW is sending everyone to IRAQ, and if the tv ads for recruitment are any indication, they are desperate. I'm as patriotic as the next guy but GW went after Saddam because he couldnt find Osama.

College may be tough, considering a lot of them are where people start using drugs. If you do go live off of campus, keep as far away from the demon as you can.

Do you like sports? Find a softball team to join. I play every sunday, sprained my ankle last week but I scored the winning run doing it, it was awesome! Soaked my foot in ice for a few hours and wore a velcro brace for a week but its much better now.

A healthy diet puts your mind in a better mood, drink a glass of pomegranite juice and you feel a natural high from it, as you can feel it ridding toxins in your body.

If you ever need to talk, check out my profile to contact me. I'm by all means not perfect, but I'm a good listener. Peace Buddy. - Chris

[racegirl2448]

Ric- how you doing? Hope you are feeling better than the day you typed your post when you seemed so bummed about life. I do understand your issue and it is a hard choice to make, the way I feel and the choices I have made and continue to live with are just that MY CHOICES...everyone is different. I just pray you find peace in what ever you choose.
To be honest this website has helped me alot... I have made may friends and although they live far away they still help me.... I know I still "use" so to speak and people here are trying to get off drugs so it may not be the best place for me to hang out but I will say that these people help me stay in check with myself and my meds and if they help me even one day at a time to not take any extra pills then I feel successful in my endevor.

[Ric]

How was today? Well, I appreciate you asking.

But it was even worse.

I hate to come on here to bitch and all.......but....

Im really alone. I moved to a different part of the USA recently (Because of issues I cant get into legally) and I have no one.
And everyone in my family is gone except my mother. She lives back in my old state. Im not supposed to have any contact with her but sometimes I sneak and call but it just turns into a fight.

Im in this new place (which is nice) but I have no friends and no one to talk to. I mean I put myself here because of my past and all. But it still sucks.

And what's even more depressing is, I have no health insurance. And it really really makes me angry that I cant get a decent doctor for some of the emotional problems Im having.

A local Psychologist wants $175 per visit! So per month that would be $700!
Plus An Rx for Paxil or something is around $115 with no insurance.
I took Paxil once when I was younger and it helped a lot.
I just think it would help me now.

Hell, A months supply of Vicoden is cheaper than either of those. And I know Im heading back to that point.

I tried to get out of the house and all today. But Im too mentally drained. So I spent 99% of the day laying in bed with the lights off.

For the past two months I have been writing a book, but I cant write in this state of mind either. I take it out on the reader.

Its really a battle being this depressed with a house full of guns.
I mean, I really am not hinting at anything here. I just hate having those thoughts enter into my head about it.

[Chris38]

Ric, do not self medicate your mental issues with pain pills, I did that and almost killed myself doing it.

Where do you live? What city and state? Perhaps some folks here can point you in the right direction.

If you do need medication, let a doc prescribe it. There are so many anti depressant/anxiety medications you want to make sure you are taking the right one, taking the wrong one by use of self medicating can **** up your mind even more.

I know it is hard dude. You are alone, scared, confused and probably afraid to look over your own shoulder. But seek medical advice, even if it is a free clinic. There are psychological services that work on sliding scales based on salary or status of employment. Bush took some of it away but not all of it.

If you need to talk let me know. Also read my posts about a health diet and vitamins above. - Chris

[Chris38]

Ric, respond, saying thank you to folks trying to reach out to you is not helping yourself, believe it or not I'm concerned and I care, as I'm sure the board does. Keep talking. - Chris

[Ric]

Originally Posted by Chris38

Ric, respond, saying thank you to folks trying to reach out to you is not helping yourself, believe it or not I'm concerned and I care, as I'm sure the board does. Keep talking. - Chris

I was, brother. After I clicked the little "Thanks" button the Pizza guy knocked on my door.
I was about to type a response.

I do thank you a lot for your advice and overall caring. That's rare these days.

You asked where I live, I live in PA for now. I move around the USA a lot.

Today is a little better. I think Im going to go take a road trip for the hell of it. Get out of the house and all. I sometimes do that, just pick up and drive and end up half a country away.
How's NYC this time of the year? lol
Man, That's one place I have always wanted to live. Just for a year or two though.

Today is a better day, I can feel it.

[Chris38]

Ric, I'm a bit confused by the first message you posted, and just want to make sure I get the facts straight. You can be completely honest, I will not judge or jump to conclusions.

Are you currently taking any sort of medication, or self medicating? If so what are you taking and why? And how much a day?

Chris

[Ric]

Originally Posted by Chris38

Ric, I'm a bit confused by the first message you posted, and just want to make sure I get the facts straight. You can be completely honest, I will not judge or jump to conclusions.

Are you currently taking any sort of medication, or self medicating? If so what are you taking and why? And how much a day?

Chris

I am completely honest on this board. But I can understand why your asking.

The only thing Im taking is weed.
As I said, I haven't seen a Psychologist yet. But my regular Dr. said he can Rx Paxil.
I have been totally honest with him as well in regard to my Opiate abuse.

But he said lets worry about that after you recover from the surgery. He's a great Dr.

What I didn't tell him is hat I ran out of my pain meds two weeks early from taking too many.

But Im not taking any other drugs except for the Mary J.

I want you to know, that I am NOT offended that you asked these question. But I am wondering what made you think of asking them. If you dont mind indulging my curiosity a little......lol

[Chris38]

I only asked them to give you the proper advice to the best of my knowledge, I'm not a fan of weed but I have friends who use it and as long as they do it around me I dont worry, much. It does kill braincells though, but those regenerate as well, you could be doing worse. I drink wine with steak and have an occasional bailey's, and I do believe drug addicts can recover without surrendering to giving up everything they enjoy in life, as long as it is done in moderation, and isnt life threatening.

I'd see a psychiatrist about your issues before being prescribed an antianxiety drug, perhaps she can help you through systemic therapy. Unfortunately I required xanax, but seeing a therapist and with her cooperating with my physician after a full physical I realize it was the right decision. A physician can not get into your head like a good shrink can, I'm telling you, mine has been a revelation.

Keep posting. - Chris

[Ric]

Yeah I had an amazing shrink not long ago in my old state.
I was on Paxil before and it helped A LOT.
So, I will bring it up.

As I said, I dont have health insurance., So Im going to have to wok with who I have now.

I mean, I have money in the bank and all that. But since Im not working as of now, I need to keep a grip on it.

I still dont know what to do when refill time comes. Im sure I'll break and go pick it up though.

Which makes me feel guilty.

[ccgirl]

Ric, we're your online friends. Maybe you could attend some meetings in your new location. That's one way to reach out to people. And they're certainly people who also understand.

[Chris38]

CC, once again your right. Even though I do not agree with the surrender aspects of NA, I have attended some meetings, and while there are a few who are almost cult like in the steps of NA, and dont accept anything else, there are people who will still listen to you and tell you to keep coming back. Not only that you will here stories that may not only inspire you, but save you as well. - Chris

[Ric]

Well, another day has passed it its getting better.

I want to thank the 4 of you who posed in this thread for support.

It seems since I have posted that Im not a "Christian" and dont agree with many of its views, many of the members here aren't as talkative to me.
How Christian like of them, huh?
I mean, I could be totally off base, but its just a hunch.

But thank you from the deepest well in my heart to those of you who cared enough to post!

[ccgirl]

Ric, I'm not sure why not more people have replied to you; it has been a bit quiet around here and some of our biggest posters are MIA. Don't give up though, because isn't it better to have one or two people who are consistently there than none?

Also, try the invisible thread; a while back me and another member felt the same way so we started it. It got quite a response!!!

I hope today goes well for you.

[Chris38]

Ric, I'm not a christian, although I do believe in God, I dont care if you are an athiest you can get off and stay off this sh!t. Just think about the most important things that you want in your future and keep your eye on the prize, think about all obsticales, includings drugs being one of them that will try to stop you from reach your goal, and knock it to the ground like a football player tackling his oponent, grab the prize and keep on running. - Chris

[kj0975]

Ric the people who make paxil do have a coupon for the RX and your Dr should know how to get it. If not have them call the drug rep that handles paxil and they tell them they need some and they will bring in samples. Just that u need to know these things since the Dr's dont offer that info out to the patients. So mention that to your Dr and that will help u alot as far as affording the proper meds. I worked at a Dr's office so I know the behind the scenes stuff. Do a little research or google paxil and find out who makes it and go check out their website they might have a program or coupons there that will help u get it. Your doing a great job its so hard being an addict and needing the pain meds trust me I understand just keep doing what your doing and keep trucking forward with your recovery u will get through this it does take alot of time which you are aware of. If u dont need the refill do your best not to call it in. Although if your Dr is aware of your past I'm sure he will start tapering u off very soon. I wish u much luck.

[formergolf99]

Ric..following the thread. I'm hoping you can get your thoughts together and relize that you can become anyone you want. You said you wished you were a child again...why? So you could make better choices? Well, guess what...we are human beings and we have the ability to change ourselves at any time. Listen, I overcame alot myself. I spent over 100,000.00 dollars on a 4 plus year of opium and xanax addiction...I could have 'cashed out' but thought that a victory over this crap would be a sweet revenge. I've been healthy since Jan. 11th 2006 and I don't look back. Take a leap of faith, put all of your inner fears aside and start living. Even if you have to fake it...fake it 'till you make it. As far as your future..go back to school...good for the mind, soul and future earning potential.
Be well,
Golf

[Chris38]

Well said Former Golfer

[ccgirl]

As far as wanting to feel like a child again, I think, at least in my case wanting that sometimes is having someone else make decisions and to feel that you will be safe. I know when my daughters are scared in the middle of the night they get into bed with us, no questions asked. Also childhood is (or should be) the simplest time of one's life. I really do understand that.

[Ric]

I said "I wish I were a child again" becuase when your a child, you dont know abotu drugs. I mean, you have heard of them. But you arent near them, know anyone with them or even care abotu them.

Thats all I meant by it.

[iluvmykids]

I know what you mean RIC by the kid statement. I feel the same way, but just remember WE CAN GET THERE. We have to work harder than you have ever worked at anything. If you dont --YOU WILL FAIL. Plain and simple. I know those are harse words but look at the stats. We as a group need to educate each other on multiple ways to get the DEMONS out of our heads, whether its through association, triggers, stress, etc,. Using any drug, will definetly put you right back in the DANGER ZONE for abuse again. I have been telling myself for years that i only have a pill problem, BUT when I would have a couple of beers at night, THAT would trigger my want to USE hydro. I am not an acoholic, but I am an addict. I am learning more about what that means each day. Be strong bud.

[Chris38]

Ric, until I meet Doc Brown and his deloreon we cant go back in time, frankly I'm not sure I even want to. The experience I have had with drugs while mind altering and life threatening at the same time, I relish the memories i have of withdrawal for they help steer me away from the demon.

You need to use your experiences, think of everything drug related that has caused you and loved one pain, and kick it in the ass.

Feed yourself vitamins, soy milk, healthy heart cerial, pom juice, lots of fresh fruit, and tons of water and gatorade.

Chris