Drinking and drugs during pregnancy

[karlee]

I have a 13 yr. niece that is impossible. She has been kicked out of every school
in the district because she mean to other kids..She is now in a special school for
kids with behavioral problems. She is not just mean but dangerous..

My brother and her mom did very hard drugs like
heroin and both are alcoholics..I am not trying to judge my sister-in-law..
I would probably used during my pregnancies, but I was hospitalized during most of my pregnancy with each of my kids..

My sister-in-law comes from a large family..Her entire family has banned her daughter
(my 13 yr. niece) from their home. Everyone in my family has also banned this child..
My husband and I had banned her from our home..

She sneaked her way into our home this weekend..I am really about to lose it with
this child..I try very hard to patient and understanding..It just that this child
seems to have no feelings..She just doesn't care..She will hurt another child and laugh about it..She has always been this way every since she was a baby..

I am wondering if alcohol and drugs tooken while she was in the womb may have effected her developing brain..Does this sound like a child that has fetal alchol syndrome? What can I do for her? My husband and I have often tooken care of her
because her parents were always gone partying..This is still very true..Perhaps her behavior has to do with her family life..Now I know that I haven't been the mom that I should be..However, my children do not harm others on purpose, start fires, and so on...I can imagine this child growing up and being a murderer. This is how bad her behavior is...I love her to pieces and will do just about anything to help her..
However, I am not willing to risk my family's life and so on...I am just so lost at
what to do with her..

Last, I could use prayers tonight..I am trying very hard not to get angry with her..
I would just take her home, but there is no one at home to watch her until tomorrow..

[Peter]

I do not know anything about the effects of drugs on a child during pregnancy, but somehow I suspect that the girls behaviour has a lot to do with being neglected by her parents.

[karlee]

I suspected that it has something with her being neglected..
However, there are many kids that are neglected and they are not violent like she is..Plus, she seems to have no feelings at all. She seems to be unable to love. It is has if she is totally numb..She will go up to a child and bite them or hurt them in some way..Then she will laugh and think it is funny. She has been known to start fires and have done other dangerous things. You can talk and talk to her and it is like talking to an empty shell. I am very serious when I say that I can see her growing up and becoming a murderer..I just wished I knew what to do..

I am really beginning to think that some brain damage has occur while she was in the womb..However, is it because her mom drank heavly and did drugs..or is it something else...Maybe my sister-in-law had a health problem during the pregnacy of this child that was not discover..My sister-in-law was in a car accident during the early pregnancy of this child..Perhaps that had something to do with it..
All I know is this child has very serious issues and she keeps getting worse..
She has been this way every since she was a baby..She didn't cry while a baby and so on like other babies do...She always seem to be aloof. She didn't like being hugged, held, or touched like other babies..My autistic son was like this..However, he did cry at times and he is not mean like she is to other kids..

[margo]

Hi Karlee - if your niece is in a school for kids with behavioral problems, one can only hope that she is receiving counselling. Your description of her behavior should be sending up huge red flags to any professional who has dealings with her. Setting fires, having no remorse for inflicting pain on others, inability to show affection, etc, are signs of very serious psychological disturbance. It sounds like you love your niece, and it's admirable that you want to help her, but if she were under my roof I'd be sleeping with one eye open. Whether her problems are due to fetal alcohol/drug exposure is kind of a moot point at this juncture, I would think. What's more important is that she receives the help she needs ASAP before someone ends up seriously hurt (including her). I don't think your fears about her growing up to become a killer are so far-fetched either - it is not unheard of in a background setting like this. If you are serious about helping her, an appointment with a pediatrician in a children's hospital setting would be where I would start. Good luck with this one.

[felicity]

hey, you might not want to hear this, but if she has behavioral problems & a mean streak, plus is aloof/independent/uncaring & impulsive, then she is at risk for developing an antisocial personality.

sounds like she already has conduct disorder, which is one of the prerequisites for an antisocial personality.

unfortunately, the condition can't be reversed once begun, and it's entirely genetic - doesn't mean her immediate family has it, but somewhere along the line, somebody in her family (on his OR her side) passed these genes to her.

you'll have to take her to a licensed psychologist who has experience dealing with behaviorally disordered children to be sure.

good luck!

[StagebearNJ]

It sounds to me like quite a combo of things, not just FAS or neglect.
Everything above sounds likely, including conduct disorder and oppositional-defiant d/o but mostly it sounds to me more than a bit sociopathic.
What can you do? Little. Sometimes over-loving such a child is a hindrance, because the instinct to protect any child is strong.
Keep crying out and raising those red flags because such disorders rarely disappear.

[karlee]

Her parents do not think there is a problem. It is always the other child did something first to cause their daughter to hit them etc..However, they have always had someone else care for her...She is in a school for kids with behavioral problems.

The school does not provide any professional couseling of any kind..The school just does random drug testing and the class rooms are much smaller. So, instead of 1 teacher to 30 kids. There are 1 teacher for every 5 kids..

I was having her to go to couseling program on Fridays with me and my kids at the church that we attend...They have a teen girl cousling program..
The couselor says that my niece just doesn't care about anything..
She has this couselor just has frustrated and confused as I am..I do love her greatly.

My husband won't allow her to spend the night at our house..One of us have to stay up all night when she is over...Thursday after school she took the bus to my daughter's friend house down the street. She told me that her mom and my daughter's friend's mom said she could spend the weekend at the friend's house..Well, Friday night she acted up as usual. My daughter's friend's mom told her she couldn't spend last night at her home. So, my 19 yr. nephew came and got her..I love her..However, I have to respect my husband's wishes..My husband said that with all my health problems and our daughter being so ill that we have enough to deal with...

I am feeling that I am turning my back on her..I am the only one that she will really talk too and share her thoughts with... I just wished I could do something. I feel so very helpless..I am not just afraid for others, but am afraid for this child..I have tooken care of her since she was baby. So, she is like my very own daughter..

This niece was court order into couseling and to follow the doctor's directions..
The couseling didn't last very long..My niece was put on medication. She does a little better on medication. However, her mom has been taking her medication..
Still my brother should step up and be a father to his kid. Which means making sure his daughter is taking her medication and getting couseling..

[hope3]

Karlee, I am a special education teacher and I am not

qualified to answer weather or not the alcohol and drugs damaged

her developing brain, but I can say from my experience that many of the

children with Emotional disorders that I teach come from families, just like your

sisters. There could be many reasons, some diagnosable and some not that this

child exibits these behaviors. She is 13, that is very sad that she has grown up in this type of enviorment. She must have been labeled something for her to be in a

special education clas, and or school. I hope she is getting the counseling and or

medication that might help her.

Best wishes, hope3

[margo]

Karlee - have you thought about making a report to Child Protective Services? It is confidential and if you make a report they have to investigate. I know this may be a hard thing for you to do, but it sounds to me like you have your niece's best interests at heart. This may be the best way to get her the help she needs. IMO, she needs specialized counselling that is probably beyond the expertise of a church counselling service. Good luck Karlee, and thank goodness this girl has someone who cares about her.

[karlee]

I have called CPS so many times. They do nothing. In fact by other sister-in-law
burned the back of my daughter and her daughter's hand. They were 10 and 13 yrs. old..My daughter had to have skin graft surgery and burn thearpy.. She now has an ungly scar on the back of her hand..I reported this to the police and to CPS.
The police said they couldn't do nothing that CPS had to handle it..CPS said the girls were old enough to tell my sister-in-law no. So, that they were at fault for allowing this woman to burn them..CPS allowed this sister-in-law to continue to babysit for them..She would babysit kids whose mothers/fathers were on welfare. Then the state would pay her for this..I am certain that had any of these parents knew what this woman did to her niece and daughter and other things she has done that they would never allow trheir child/children to be in her care..

I feel so guilty for my daughter being burned..This sister-in-law has always been abusive..I had reported her several times. However, CPS always kept telling
me that abuse was never found..So, I doubted myself..When my niece was a baby, she would leave her in a bassinet outside all day long..The kids always had really bad bruises on them.I can go on..My other sil said that when this sil parties that she really parties..So, that she was probablyso drunk that she didn't know what she was doing when she burned the kids..I drink and do drugs..However, I have never been to the point where I would do such a thing and not know what I was doing. I believe that was/is just an excuse to get away with what she did..

I also contacted CPS and the police about a neighbor girl that was being s*xually and physically abused by her dad..Her mother is not in her life. Nothing was done until this man had a fight with another neighbor man. Then he held his daughter hostage in their home..CPS came over to my house shorlty after this to ask me questions aboout this man..I told the worker how I had reported that this man was abusive to both them and the police..The worker tells me that they were never told..Bull because they sent me a letter stating that my suspicions was unfounded..By the way this girl was being abused by her father..

CPS in my state has been in the news several times for failing to protect children..
I believe it is best for a child to stay with one's parent if at possible..However, when a child is badly burned or has a bruised kidney. Wouldn't you think that child should be taken from the parent/parents, away from the person that is harming them?

I do know that if this girl gets kicked out of this school that she will most likely be put in lock up and will have to go to school while in lock-up or she will be taken away from her parents..or perhaps both will happen.

Again, I feel so helpless. I have tried all that I can do to help her..it seems that I haven't done enough. Yet, I do not know what else to do..I feel so torn..This child is like my own daughter..Yet, if she was my daughter I could do much more..