kittykat01

Today I am working on step 5, again. It is repeated recovery for me. I go through the steps, constantly trying to improve. And I am okay with that. I have made many bad choices and behaved badly in my life, and this step gives me the opportunity to let that stuff go. It is of great importance for my recovery, to be honest, with myself, and with God. They gave us so many tools to stay clean, and learn and grow about ourselves. It is possible to have a great life. I am a clear example of that. I was in the depths of hell, in my addictionS, and now, piece by piece my life is coming back to me PLUS SOME. God has truly worked miracles in my life. As long as I work hard, be honest, openminded, and willing to do the right thing, and have faith, all good things will happen. I am a miracle. Now, just understand this, Rome wasnt built in a day, and there are rough days, dont get me wrong. But today, I can get through the bad days without using. One bad day, here and there, is much better than the hell I was in while using. Today I choose to----LIVE.
God bless you all & your recovery.

Ten Chips Down

"One bad day, here and there, is much better than the hell I was in while using. Today I choose to----LIVE."

Amen! Fantastic post of recovery affirmation for us all!

Thanks for that and a warm welcome from me to SR.

kittykat01

You know, as a child of abuse, I never learned an acceptance of myself. I was told,as well as learned, that I was a bad child. Even when I tried to be good, it was always pointed out that I wasnt. I stopped fighting at night when my father came in my room, just to be a good girl. But even that wasnt suffient. So through the years, I never developed a strong self-worth. It wasnt until I got into the program and therapy did I learn that I was worth something, learn that I was actually a good person, with problems, just like everyone else. I learned that I was a child of abuse,yes, but I also was a woman with gifts from God. I have no shame or guilt anymore because of what happened. I wont let what happened, make me use anymore, I will let it give me an excuse to conquer life. It took me 30 years to come to this conclusion, this acceptance. I am a good person. I have many assets. Yes, I have defects, but today I choose to deal with them, instead of using because of them. Everything about me isnt perfect, its not going to be, but today,the program & God, has taught me self-acceptance. I am truly a miracle. And that makes me feel good. I was spared, from the serious beatings and many times in the hospital, to help others like me. WE are miracles, and if we believe, all good things will happen.

kittykat01

You know, I started writing on here in the past, but through unfortunate events, I relapsed. But instilled in me before that relapse, was hope. Hope in the program, in God, and in myself. I cant say anymore that I am ashamed of my relapse, I can say, however, that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. With it, my understanding and acceptance, of the program, God, and myself rose to new heights. Today I am so thankful for my life. My sobriety, and my faith. I couldnt have gotten this far without the humility it took to walk back in those rooms. I am truly blessed. I can never make the hurt I gave my family, when I relapsed, go away. But I can make them proud of me today. I forgive myself. I do not beat myself up for it, anymore. The response I got when I came back into those rooms was unbelievable, I felt a love that I had never felt before. They understood me, and even with my character defects, they still loved me. The hope I received was unbelievable. So no matter what happens, I know there is always hope. And endless possiblities. Today, I dwell not on the past, but anticipate the miracles of the future.... God bless...

tennchick9598

Keep trucking on Kitty, you can do it!!!! We are all here to help, God knows I have to ask for help over and over in here, but everyone is soooo wonderful here, if you need anything, please pm me or we can talk in here, have a great day, lots of love!!!!

kittykat01

Thanks Tenn. Day by day it gets so much easier. Yes, I have my bad days, we all do. But today I have an endless support system. And that is part of the miracle the program offers...life,love, and peace, to you and all of those recovering and still suffering. Prayer is what released me from the past and all the demons associated with it.
With love...

kittykat01

Last night, was my favorite meeting of the week, but I didnt go. I have alot of physical problems that limit me, but honestly, that is not the reason why. I just felt yukky. I needed to spend time with my family, but that wasnt why, either. As I sat here this morning and thought about it, I realized why. I am the youngest of five children. And all my life my older sisters have always made me feel inferior, stupid {even though intectually,I am the smartest one}, and not worth anything. When I got back into my recovery,after a relapse, I decided to limit my dealing with them. For two reasons; one, they are using, and two; I dont need negativity in my life, any more. Well, my sister called yesterday morning, and it was still the same. I allowed her to upset me. I shouldnt have, but I did. I love her, she is my sister. But I know, that I cannot, or will not for that matter, let her in my life. I learned yesterday that that is part of my program. Acceptance. I cannot fix her. It did sadden me, but that is part of acceptance. Not only do I have to accept myself, life, and many other things. I have to accept those people in my family that I cant change. I know it seems that I should already know this, but acceptance of life comes everyday and in many forms. Acceptance, everyday, must be a given. I am accepting my feelings right now, by talking about them. I have so many people in my life that bring me joy and hope, I have to keep conscious of the ones that dont. Acceptance is part of my program today. I accept me for me, and I must accept you for you.

tennchick9598

I am sorry you felt so yukky, I am glad that you are starting to accept things, I hope things get for you!! There are so many people here that care for you and about what happens to you, keep posting, and keep talking to us, if there is anything that I can do for you please let me know, I am having a really hard time with not taking pills, I have swapped the neurontin for my tramadol and it just seems like I cannot stop taking something to self medicate, I know there has to be something in my life that is causing me this feeling, but I work so much it is just like I try to ignore it becuase I dont "have time" anyway, we can do it, Much much love to you

kittykat01

Dear Tenn,

Feeling is a good thing. Sometimes we need to feel yukky to learn about ourselves. I did learn about why and I think that is a good thing. As long as I learn why, I grow every day. I also take neorontin, for my periphal neuropathy. I developed that several years ago, because of my exessive drinking. It only gets worse, and will never go away. I have accepted that. What you have to do is look inside yourself and find out why you feel yucky. Sometimes thats very hard, but it will help. I believe in you. You can recover. We all can. All we have to do is; be willing to look deep within ourselves and be willing to do whatever is necessary to stay sober.
2 books I recommend are:
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD.
and
Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I pray that God will bless you and keep you safe...

tennchick9598

Thank you so much Kitty I will check those books out for sure!! I have a good one called I surrender all, that I got from Crossings, A christian division of Double day book club, and it is about overcoming addiction, his was porn I believe but it is the same thing. I really hope things are going great for you. Do you find yourself abusing the neurontin? I do, I take way way more than prescribed and it makes me very hyper and happy. I am gonna try so hard to take it as he prescribed it, but it will be so tough, I keep putting it off, like next time i fill it I will take it like he says, but I never do. I will be thinking of you and praying and hoping that all goes well for you. Much much love!!!

Ten Chips Down

But this is so true, isn't it?

When i first joined in October, i was still fiiled with the spit and venom of a couple of previous catfights elsewhre. It got me in a few verbal skirmishes w/ mods through PM over here...... and there was that thread which had to be closed in SA. Was able to do some fast back-backpedalling and getting back on track in time. lol

Tenn, you're going to want to definitely be careful around that tramadol babe.

-Ten

kittykat01

As you have seen in my other posts, recovery is not always homeade apple pie. It is an everyday battle. Some days are good and some days are bad. It is not easy to change. But with change comes uncomfortable feelings that we are not use to. My way is not your way. We all must find our way and what works for us. But there is one thing that does help us find our way. That is the 12 steps. Whether you think you are an alcoholic/addict or not, thats something noone can tell you-you must decide, the 12 steps will show the way IF you work them honestly.As the days in recovery get longer the easier it will be. As with me. The compulsion to use has decreased. But I had to work hard, and honest, and keep working my program. It almost seems overwhelming at first, to think of the rest of your life without using. But we, in the program, dont look at it that way. Just today, just today I must do whatever it takes NOT to use. Thats it. Really, its very simple. Hard work, but simple. The miracles of recovery are unbelievable. I have seen things and people change, especially myself. As I look back I see how unmanageable my life was and how many bad choices I made. As I look back, it almost seems like that was a different person. I know that for some it doesnt seem possible in your life. But it is possible. The possibilities in recovery are endless. With sobriety comes truly LIVING- not just surviving. Today I am living...and I thank God and the program, for that.

*****For anyone not sure how to work the 12 steps, I recommend:
The NA Step Working Guide

tennchick9598

You sound really positive and like you are doing great, I look up to you so much, I am so glad to be able to communicate with you so oftern and we can keep track of each others progress, you are so much ahead of me, but I am plugging away, and still trying. I am gonna keep talking with you and trying to keep each other up, how does that sound? I need to try to find a meeting but I work 10 hours a day and have 2 boys. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I am truly busy as you can imagine. Well, I look forward to your response, much much love!!!!!! Hope your day is fantastic

kittykat01

Tenn-------You must help yourself first, many of us lost our families in our addictions. Your sobriety must come first. Everything else will and should follow. Because if you dont get help, eventually, you will lose your family. Yes, Keep talking to me Tenn.


I am responsible for my own recovery. Only I can use the tools that was given to me. By working the program, I will recover. All the tools I need is in the NA book/ AA book, and my program. It is up to me to put my recovery first by using those tools. So many, as sad as it is, relapse. As I did. But with strength, hope, and faith I came back into the program. It was not easy, and being humble went along way. I didnt want to die and thats what would eventually had happened if I had continued to use. Let me tell you this story:

My home {before I relapsed} meeting was on a Sunday night at a hospital near by. I went every Sunday and I even volunteered for the secretary position. The group was awesome, they became my family. There was a man in there named 'Joe'. Joe and I became very close, he was about my age and we had a similar childhood. After a few years, one Sunday night, Joe didnt show up. He hadnt talked to anyone that previous week and I instantly had a bad feeling in my gut. So the following Sunday he came in. He had revealed that he had relapsed over the previous weekend. We all rallied around him and encouraged him. That next week there were some stories in the newspaper about people dieing from a bad string of crack. A couple days later I got a phone call, it was a friend from my sunday night meeting. Joe was found in his bathroom, by his two small children {under 5} from a heart attack/overdose. It crushed me. He was probably my best friend in the program. As I think about it now, it saddens me. So many good people die because of not taking the responsibility of their recovery. Its not about just getting by. Its about asking for help and doing whatever is necessary to stay clean. Joe is the reality of this disease. If you dont work the program with all of who you are- you could end up like my friend Joe. I could never think of my kids finding me on the bathroom floor dead. I refuse to let this disease control me, my life and my family anymore. I WILL NOT BE ANOTHER JOE.

Just for today: I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today I will learn something new.

tennchick9598

I am so sorry about that, sometimes stories like that are wakeup calls for people like us. I know when I was taking 30 tramadol a day, I was so often scared that I just wouldnt wake up. I was worried about my respiration just stopping, and taht was still not enough to keep me off. I hope you have a great saturday, much much love to you!!! You mean so much to me

kittykat01

Today I was writing down all of the people I need to make amends to. Well, honestly, the ones I can remember for now. When I think of more I will include them on my list. We dont realize, when we are in our addictions, how many people we directly or indirectly hurt. There are so many. How many times did I tell people, "Im not hurting anyone but myself". That is so untrue. Even people we dont know, or know very little are harmed. For instance, when I relapsed, I stopped going to church. I went to the same church every Sunday with my mother. The priest was a wonderful man. But I didnt know him very well personally. When I relapsed my mother still attended the same church. One Sunday before service, the priest, came to my mother and asked about me. She told him the story of my relapse and he said he was going to pray for me. I hurt him, indirectly, of course. But I still hurt him. And today ** I havent gone in awhile, because of my health} he saw me. During the eulogy he looked at me and smiled and waved. It made me feel good inside although, I also felt a need to tell him I was sorry I hurt him. The people we think the least affected by our addictions, are the ones we truly need to make amends to. However insignificant we think we have harmed them, we still need to make amends. That is the lesson I learned today. A little growth everyday, is better then no growth at all......

kittykat01

You know my birthday is in 2 days. And I have been thinking about it. I guess more reflecting on it. All the things that have happened in the last year. Plenty of mistakes and bad choices. Even a relapse. I am human I know that, but I wouldnt change a thing. With the recovery from the relapse came a new enlightenment that I wouldnt want to give back. I have learned so much about myself. True recovery comes from within, it has nothing to do with not using. That is only an afterthought of a healing heart, mind, and soul. Today I dont have to use, I dont want to use. With the healing came the loss of the obsession to use. In this last year, I have grown, much like a bud does in the spring. With each step of honesty, openmindedness, and willingness to my recovery, my heart and soul has been released from the things that once binded it. That is the miracle of recovery for me. Some days physically I cant walk. And on occasion, it gets rather fustrating. Because, I and my drinking & using, caused this. I did it to myself. But I have learned an acceptance that is unbelievable. It can only bother me- if I let it. So today, I chose not to let it bother me. And most days its okay. The other days , I just pray. I give it to God......

kittykat01

Last night I attended my weekly monday night meeting, and the same people are usually there every week. This week we had a few new people. I generally go out of my area for meetings because I feel more comfortable. I dont really want to see the people I once partied with or bought dope from. But last nights meeting was a surprise. In walked a guy I use to buy dope from. What a shock that was. I knew he was only there because he was court ordered, and I knew he was still selling dope. I guess, at the time, it bothered me. But now that I think about it, maybe thats a good thing. Maybe, as they say in the literature, I could help him. He might see that what he is doing affects so many people, in a very bad way. Maybe, with the experiences that he listens to in group, will change his way of thinking. We give and take in this program, and no matter the person, or what he/she has done, they are accepted in this program. I have learned another lesson of acceptance. With acceptance of myself, I must accept other people. We are all imperfect creatures, hopefully striving, as I am, to be better people. So today I choose to accept this man, and hopefully he will learn something from the people in our group....that that lifestyle isnt any good for either of us, and we all must change, in order to help one another.

kittykat01

Today I am grateful for a birthday clean. I dont have to use today. I love me, just the way I am. God has blessed me sobriety today. Yesterday, and some days prior, my family asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I responded, without even thinking about it, that I have everything I want. I have sobriety, them, and God working in my life, what more could I want? Nothing. God has truly blessed me..yes. It is my birthday today, and being clean, with the program, God, and alot of hard work, everyday is my birthday. Another year older,yes, but thats not how I look at it, I am wiser. I have learned so much about myself, that I wouldnt give that away. Happy Birthday, yes, Happy Me, yes.......I am grateful for another day clean...

tennchick9598

Happy Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope you have a fantastic day and a wonderful blessed year!!! I am sorry I have been so lax in talking to you, I hope things are going great for you, they are so-so for me, I have been really busy at work, and a million other things going on. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Much much love