I'm sorry guys, I'm losing the battle

[squirty]

I haven't been posting here for a while - mainly because I haven't had the energy or the motivation to give help to others or ask for help myself.

I don't know what's happening to me, I seem to have lost all self-control, particularly now I'm on holiday and I have no reason to hold it together. This last week I've been worse than ever. I've been snorting coke most of the week, drinking EXCESSIVELY and taking far too much codeine. When I have been trying to take time out from this to recover I've been getting so down that I've been self-harming - something I dealt with and got control over as a teenager. I'm so mad with myself for sinking so low.

I think I've just become so tired of putting up a front. Everyone thinks I've got it sorted and I'm happy but underneath it all I'm slowly cracking. My (ex) boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago because he needs to deal with his own problems (a lot of it is to do with drugs/drink). I know I should be strong and keep away from him but I can't, obviously cus I'm still really in love with him but also cus I'm drawn to him. I've started to wonder if this is because when I'm with him I don't have to face up to my own problems (as his are worse) and I'm trapped in the mould of helping others rather than help myself.

I know deep down that my bloke is right. He needs some time to sort himself out. I know that this is the right thing to do. I can't bear the thought of being alone though. I've been having such dark thoughts when I'm on my own. I'm afraid of myself. I can't tell anyone this though cus I can't help but put up a front.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'm not sure what anyone can do for me here. I know it's got to come from me but I'm also hoping that you guys can understand a bit.

Take care friends x

[anvilhead]

can you get to a meeting? get yourself in the company of other recovering addicts and ask for help........

[kittykat01]

All of us feel alone sometimes. But in order to recover, we must deal with ourselves, openly and honestly. What you don't understand, is that, we have either felt or do feel the same way as you do, alone. We cannot recover by isolating ourselves, we need each other in the program. There is nothing that you have done or feel, that I haven't. You can only help yourself by being truly honest, open, and willing, to do whatever it takes to get sober. You can't do it, half-assed. It's all or nothing. My low was, I was going to die, I knew that, at the time my body was dieing, and I felt it. I got help. I did relapse along the way, but I got back up and started again. This is your life, all I can say is FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!! You can do this, I believe in you. The life you are leading, is not a life at all, you deserve a REAL LIFE. A sober life, full of love, peace, and joy. All you have to do, is take the steps to get it. I will pray for you...God bless you...Happy Easter!

[marle]

My daughter is my addict. She left her abf last spring to try to get her crap together. But, like you, she was drawn to him. (I am sure some of it was the free drugs.) When I asked her why she was with him she told me he made her feel safe because he was more f*cked up than she was. So maybe you are on to something there. I will say a prayer that you find a way to want more for yourself. Hugs, Marle

[chiynita]

Hi Squirty..You need to think about you!!! I know its hard to go alone but it's how it needs to be done if it is to work. Do not get sad because your boyfriend wants to do something about his addiction. Follow his lead.
And if you are thinking of hurting yourself you should really talk to someone.
DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!! Keep fighting and do what you gotta do to be a happier , healthier person.
You say you are losing the battle. You can't lose until you have truely just given up. I do not feel that from you. You sound like you have so much love in you to give. Don't deprive the world of that. You are still in it to win.
I will be thinking of you.

[Done-With-It]

I think I've just become so tired of putting up a front. Everyone thinks I've got it sorted and I'm happy but underneath it all I'm slowly cracking.>>>>>

Today would be a perfect day to reach out to someone let down your front and tell them you need help. I'm not sure who that is, a friend, family member, someone besides your boyfriend.. But sounds like you really need help from someone else also, it's okay to ask for help, esp. when you need it the most.
Self harm and coke, your right is going to make you crack eventually and your going to need help sooner or later. So why not now?

((((Hugs))))

[SaTiT]

I understand.... don't pickup no matter what.

You already know you can't help him
You also know he can't you stop either.

The rest is just the addiction messing with ya.
I thought pain was good for me...
so i don't put my hang on that buring stove again.

[mikiglen]

even through this last detox (in november), i cut myself. (big secret, there)....it is something i have always done when detoxing and this time was no different. it gives your mind something else to focus on...takes your mind off the pain of detox for awhile.
when you get past a certain point, the need to do that will stop, as the pain of the withdrawal will lessen
try to stick it out sometime, as best you can....you can come through on the other side.....but not alone

[squirty]

Thanks guys for caring enough to respond. It means a lot.

Unfortunately I don't feel I have anyone to talk to. I recently tried turning to a male friend but that just ended up with us having sex. I'm not saying he didn't listen - he was very understanding about the little I told him. It just seems that everyone has a price - with him it was sex, with family and oldest friends it's guilt and shame, with work friends it's the chance of ruining my career and reputation and with all my other friends, well they're a part of my downfall. I guess it is just easier to keep putting up a front.

I have thought about going to AA or NA meetings but I'm just not sure I can cope with it all. I know it will be full of people with similar problems but there are certain things I could just never discuss, such as hurting myself. I am wondering if the answer is to have counselling. I have never been much of a fan of the idea but I feel I need to try something. It's quite expensive but if I add up the amount of money I spend on booze and drugs it seems a bargain in comparison.

Has anyone had counselling? Is it a good idea? I feel at a complete loss as to what to do but I must do something before it's too late.

[anvilhead]

i'm hearing a lot of reasons why you CAN'T do anything.....right now it would be most beneficial to get to some type of meeting....and stop the booze and the drugs........anything is better than sitting at home feeling miserable.....get OUT of your self, get OUT of your house.......START the process......

or keep doing what you're doing and keep getting what you're getting....no one can take that first step for you......but there are many who will walk WITH you........

[Arura]

Hi Squrity ...
I can Understand your feeling's quite abit ...!

Lots of GOOD ..advice there ....!

There is No shame in self harm ...Im Also someone who can turn to pain as an outlet to get by ....*Physical Pain*.
..Cutting, biteing ect ..But it has been o.k for me for a good while now...!!!

Im In London so if you want to go to a Meetin ...'at anytime' ..PM.me and we could go together and have a chat ...and go to a meetin ..as there are so many here ...its great to be in a room of other's that Understand
...Exactly how your feeling ...!!!

You dont have too speak ...!!!

NA ..is'nt so scarey and i Have disscussed self harm in meetings and Ive heard it talked about in meeting's also .
..You are Not Alone ....

There are many place's to go for free Help in London as ..Ive used them ...You just walk in and say ''Help me ...Please'' ...!!!!

If you Like I could give you some Good names of Groups to approach with your Addiction problems and for counseling as Ive done Both of them in London for many years ....!!!
and Counseling around your issues could really help get to the route of it.!

Sending you some love and ...hope,.. as there is a way out of all this ...!

With the Help of Others you can re build your life and find you again ....and it is'nt as far away as you might think ...!!!

Nothing is too far in London and it would'nt be hard for you to find a good meetin and some help ...!!!

The offer is there .

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by squirty

I can't bear the thought of being alone though. I've been having such dark thoughts when I'm on my own. I'm afraid of myself. I can't tell anyone this though cus I can't help but put up a front. I'm not sure what anyone can do for me here.

I can love you, that's what. I'm a guy and it's not about romance, but I can express the deepest love and empathy for you, a suffering addict and offer the warmest, tightest, closest, most heartfelt hug for you.

Your post makes me soooo sad to read. I'm known for not sugarcoating stuff and tellin' it like it is--well, not here. You're in pain. I just want to hold your hand and commend you for posting to us.

You next step is to get your butt to a meeting, any meeting. Maybe hospital for detox? (I don't know, just throwing it out.)

You don't have to say a word in meetings but.... as one who has stumbled into AA meetings drunk... in a group of folks who knew me... let me assure you that addiction thrives on shame and pride. Honey I've done it all in meetings: Spilt my coffee, been scared to death to talk, showed up shaking so bad i couldn't hold a cup of coffee, been so ashamed that I felt like 'they might not even let me back in'.

You name it, dear. If it's at the "bottom"--I have been there.

Every time the strong will to survive overcame any fear or shame or embarrassment I had in meetings. I KNEW that I had to face up and let people in, or I wouldn't survive.

Think about that a while. Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, make a call, or PM Arura or someone else in London. But please don't worry that people will love you any less for your problems and the cutting. No one cares about that stuff--believe me, they just want to be able to help you.

Let them help you Squirty

Ten

[squirty]

Arura and Ten thank you so much. Both of your posts made me cry - you both said exactly what I needed to hear and have shown compassion that I have never felt before. I come from the sort of background where you're not allowed to get depressed, you know "there's always people worse off" etc. You know what, this is such a true statement but not being allowed to discuss your problems eats away at you slowly.

Every time I have posted here I have been scared of you guys rejecting me and telling me to just "get it together" but you lot always amaze me with your warmth and generous spirit. Ten, I have to admit I was a little afraid of reading your post - you have been there for me many times before. I guess I thought you might have got sick of me but instead you show me such love. I can't express how much that means to me (tear in my eye again!)

Thank you to those of you that have talked about hurting yourself with me. The shame I associate with that is immense and so to hear of others who have done this really helps.

Arura I'm gonna put my hands up and say PLEASE HELP ME!

If I meet people that are even half as nice as you guys along my road to recovery then I am a lucky girl.

Thanks for giving me love and hope x

[IO Storm]

Squirty:

I never knew speedballing withdrawals brought on cutting

and biting. I know now. Mine was always combining booze

and amphetamines and coffee. I pulled my hair till I was

bald, but truly did not know what to say to you.

Then..... I am so happy God sent you Arura and Miki

(you guys shocked me at first, I just didn't know)

Squirty, you cannot say you do not have friends now who

understand and who care.

I do not fully understand, but like Ten...I care. Please try to

do something good for yourself now, even if it is just staying

out of a dangerous situation for just this one day.

Yep, I'm with Ten, I have so much freakin' pride in my

looks but when I relapsed and cut my wrists, I was made

to shower, and go to NA and AA that night. No make up.

Shaking, sweating. And in not that great of a mood.

But hugs, hugs, hugs, and tears from friends that were

saddened by the news and glad to see my sorry butt sitting

in that chair. It's the going and getting support that matters.


We love you. To quote Chiy, who gives from her heart:

You sound like you have so much love in you to give. Don't

deprive the world of that. You are still in it to win.

Love,

:

Sherry

[ccgirl]

I don't really have anything to add, but I'm thinking of you.

[windysan]

consider detox and a 28 day rehab. 28 days away from the madness will do wonders and you can get some good counseling in there. think about it. i hope you get well.

[Done-With-It]

Has anyone had counselling? Is it a good idea? I feel at a complete loss as to what to do but I must do something before it's too late.>>>>

Yup, That's a big part of what worked for me. Counseling and coming to this board were the key for me. I also did some of the work at the smart recovery site. You might want to check it out. Different things work for different people.
Key is to find something that does, I tried quit a few things until I found what worked for me.

[ayla zaire]

squirty......i think counselling or a visit to your doctor would be a great idea.....you know you want to quit the drugs and the self destructive behaviors.....and sometimes we need help to do that.....

good luck to you

[Arura]

Getting to an agency and gaining access to these thing's is a way to get started on the road to going for the right type of 'counseling' ...'Dr',..and a possabilaty of going to 're-hab' ...!

They can advocate for you in what you need ...in place's we carn't get to ...!

as (((Done))) said it can take a few ways to make it work for you ....!
Were all different ...!
and Counseling has helped me lots ...!

Hurt's like hell but it is helping me to move past certain things ...!

Meetings are one thing,
Counseling different,.. as the 121 is Helpful ...depends on the person...!

Its ALL down to how willing you are to make that change in life ...!!!

Does your GP Know ...?

[LIL_Pebbles]

O'boy I lke you have a A/b/f he is not much for suppport, I mean 3 years of my using he let it go on, after awhile he would abuse his xanax and klonopin is 2 weeks, where it was to last him 4 weeks, to the point I was there to give him his posion and he me, fact is it is not how much i love him, it is how much am i willing to go to get help, to save me cause i an't do it with him, he yells at me a lot note: i am in a taper and a drastic drop, having sevre withdrawls, this did not happen in 11/17/06-12/4/06, the withdrawls are worst, for I have way to much on my plate than an average normal person could handele let alone this nightmare, when i am at my worst in withdrawl? i feel empty, depressed, no hope I feel as it is not going to end and this battle i have to beat for death is and i am not dying if i can help it! I sence you have been thinking death? NO man or person is worth it, is you had you man with you, would that change it all? if you answer yes than you might be codependant, your man might give you a buzz, yeah a buzz just having him with you? IMO you need help as in now, I don't know how things work where you are but you need to get some help as in rehab? I asume that your not detoxing? what you did do this alter your brain, you CNS and to top it off your b/f is not with you and now? your focusing on you and that is too much to handle? I am suffering for my addiction, for my high's and trust me I wished to God did what I was to do w/ my taper down pills, but you know what I did? I crushed and sniffed them up...the addictional mind when active has no logic, you might be addicted to your man? yes geting into theropy is a start, but if you can get into a rehab inpatient i think that is best...
I wish you luck, your not alone.

[squirty]

Lil Pebbles, much of what you said is true. I feel I do not know how to cope without my man but I realise much of that is to do with the fact that when I'm with him I don't have to think about my problems - how can they be problems when we're both doing the same thing? etc.

Now he won't talk to me cus I told him I slept with this other guy (he asked and I was honest) and I can't bear that I've lost my best friend and hurt him - ironic since he has hurt me so much.

I know you guys don't want to hear all this - this is not a teenage troubles page! I just think that's half my problem, I can't cope with upsetting people and I worry about him SO much.

I know I need to worry about myself. I have just basically had enough. Over the last few weeks I have had to face up to real life without hiding behind my job or a man etc and I just don't like it. Lil Pebbles you were right about that too, over the last few days I have thought about ending things so many times. Let me make this clear so as not to panic people, I would NEVER go through with it. I could never do that to my family - it is my fault I have turned out like this, I would never want them to blame themselves. It is because of them I want to sort this out. I want to say it is for myself (and all of your support does help me want more for myself) but at the moment I do not feel that. I am sorry.
You know how they say a dog will take themselves to the end of the garden to die, so they're on their own - I feel that is what I want to do.

I am so sorry to be so down on life. If you were to meet me I am nothing like this really - I am a happy person who enjoys going out and having a good time. This is the only place I can let down my guard though. I promise I will try and sort it out though.

Thanks for being here. I will keep fighting x

[IO Storm]

Okay, you all heard it.

She promised she would try.

Love ya squirty,

:

Sherry