ultram addiction

[jane_668]

Hello,I was reading many posts on this thread and I feel somehow sad that many are commited to being sober where as I'm just messing up my life.Last time I was convinced that Iwant to be clean but ended up with taking 10pills 100mg tramadol.That's a1000mg where as the maximum allowed is 400mg.I don't kow what else to do but try again.I'm having a hard time with the cravings.Yesterday I ididnot take any pills.I need to be committed and that's what I lack currently in my life.I'm living my life as if bad things won't happen to me especially that I'm not taking illegal drugs.

[northbelle]

Don't feel bad about your lack of commitment Jane..and don't let it keep you from posting...You sound like me..but the truth is that this addiction thing is the hardest thing we will probably ever try to recover from!! I mean its not easy..and there is no cut and dried answer for many of the things we go through in the process..I have "committed" to recovery so many times now...its not that simple and I think that you are RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. One day at a time..let go of what you are doing "wrong" and look at what you are doing RIGHT.
For one thing you are very HONEST about where you are at..you know the trugh about your addiction..it is so HARD to enjoy using once we know that truth, isn't it..recovery really screws up your using huh?? I am one to talk ..I have almost 6 days on a cold turkey heroin kick..I did not think I could do it..but one day at a time, today was the best day I have had in 6 MONTHS!!!! and I still feel rotten but what a relief..once you get a few days you will be rolling right along..once you get a little taste of how much better it feels to not have to depend on a drug just to survive our daily lives..it well seem more worth it to you and then making a commitment will feel good too...I have terrible cravings too ...I work myself into a freaking SWEAT thinking about it..but I do something else when I am feeling that crap...first off I pray...to be relieved of the craving..then I maybe read a meditaton...or CALLING someone in recovery can't be beat...KEEP GOING to the meetings..I have been going too and I feel so pathetic sitting there shaking and looking all crazy eyed...but I get so much support it is amazing and then suddenly I feel like I am NOT carrying the heavy load all by myself...Craavings are totally NORMAL for us..I would wonder what was wrong if you didn't have them..LOL..they will get easier and you will learn ways to cope with them if you try..problem for me was I never even tried to cope..I just always acted on the craving..if I give myself time they GO AWAY...
Well just wanted to get this post to you so ou will know you are not alone out there and there are lots of us here fighting the same battle..in the end Jane ..I think you are going to WIN this one!!!
love north

[jane_668]

Thanks North.It means a lot to me that you are supporting me while you are struggling with your own battle.It shows what kind of person you are.You never fail anyone even when you are struggling.I know when thing and that's all what I got now is not the past but the present so I will try to make good use of it by staying clean even if just for today.Coz that's all what I got .Sometimes it's better not think of the future becoz it will look like you have on your shoulder tons of weight.I'll just take it easy but with more responsibility

[FlowerChild1952]

Pray and pray....we are only flesh and bone and fighting drugs are fighting the enemy and principalities of evil. Failure was never ment to be born with therefore cast off that belief and move ahead. Our father in heaven hears our crys as well as our joys...give it to him..lay it at the cross and ask the Lord to strenghten you and help you. Okay you slipped, but stop quitting. God loves you and so do we all.

FC

[jane_668]

Hello everyone,I have been reading many threads here on this forum but I couldnot post.I like to help others a lot but I donn know what to say to anyone if I'm not even helping myself.I'm 4 days clean but I'm struggling alot .I have lived for the past 3years trying to numb my feelings so now whenever I face the slightest challenge I directly take pills.

[odie123]

well, i am amazed that you have been clean for four days...that an acomplishment...i would haven been clean for about ten years....you are doing very well hun...you should be proud of yurself..i was just thinking this morning how horrible it is that as soon as i wake up i take my pills...i dont make coffee..i dont go to the bathroom...(unless they are there ofcourse)....there i am all sluggish and sleepy and i walk all sleepy to get my pills and i think...geezz...these pills are my master....i am a freaking slave...i cant just wake up slowly...i have to run as soon as i wake to get my pills...it was weird the way i felt this morning...i was so tired...anyways...i think you are doing a great job...i could not even think about one day w/o them...anyways does anyone know what would happen if i stop suddenly..last time i was sick throwing up b/c i was coughing so hard...and my head felt like it was going to explode..i felt all cold and hot anyways...just a thought

[Alycia]

Odie, have u ever tried rehab, detox, or a methadone program. And I think there is more ways out there now. IT is like ur screaming for help, but then u can't grab on. Think about it, k! Also, please go to na or aa meeting. K! Private message me, and I'll tell you how I finally got started in NA,k!

[odie123]

yes, alycia i do want to stop, but i am not quite redy yet, hey i wanted to ask you how much longer do you have to be on the methadone treatment its been like two years ..right...just wondering...do they have to cut you back little by little?

[jane_668]

Thanks Odie that reminded me why I was sick of being dependant on pills.I have been waiting the right time for 3 years to quit.There's no such thing as right time or being ready.If I waited for me to become ready I guess I may end up taking all my life giving myself each time a different excuse.So what I did is I said I'll just quit today.It will be very hard & I don't know what to expect but I cannot Live mylife like that anymore.i donnot want to spend all my salary on pills.I want to have a life.I want to be able to buy cloths instead of buying pills.I want to enjoy feeling,any kind of feeling instead of being numb.I have messed my life alot but I want to clean this mess.It's very hard but it can be done.I donnot want to think of it it,I just wanna do it and take 1 day at a time.I donnot want to live on the magin.I want to be productive and active.I used to spend all the day sleeping when I take pills.It was not alife.I lost 3 years of my life so I donnot wnt to lose more.i only hope that I can find enough strength to do it .I think about the pills24/7 but I have to go on.Imust push myself forward.I used to take 10 pills 100mg tramadol.The maximum that is allowed is 400 so everyday I would feel like this would be my last day.

[jane_668]

I cannot belive it that I've made so far.It's day 5.I'm so nervous and my whole bodyshaking.All what I'm thinking about is pills.The strange thing is when i take daily I become sick of it but now that I'm 5 days clean I'm having bad cravings.It's very hard.especially the mental part.I feel that need to take again badly.

[2ala2]

The ONLY thing that can help fill the void is a program.
If you don't have a program, your chances of relapsing are very high.
Go to a meeting today. Talk to people face to face. Don't keep doing it alone. It almost never works.

[2ala2]

How many times have you tried it your way Jane?
How many times have you replaced one drug with another?
How many years have you been trying to quit alone?
"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results"
Check out NA, get a sponsor and do the 90/90 for a start....

[leeside]

Your starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms. They have been downright maddening for me, but every time I weather through them I am glad I did.

[northbelle]

Hey Jane..how ya doing?? i just wanted to tell you that I have felt the same pretty recently...it is NOT easy going through withdrawal..don't do ANY more than you have to..put no pressure on yourself..if your like me I sit there and worry about myself sick about everrything....if you use again its not the end of the world..none of us know HOW to stay sober..well maybe some of us with time do..but that is how you learn..from someone else..
Hey will you just let me know you are OK? I really do care ..even if you couldn't handle the withdrawals....my god who CAN????? You are not a bad person trying to get GOOD...you are a SICK person trying to get WELL!!!!!
love north

[jane_668]

Today is day 7and I'm still clean.I didnot think that I would make it through the witjdrawals and especially cravings.The cravings were so bad that I want to cry.But what I did id paused for a minute and asked my self if I take now what do I gain & if I don't.I surely support that one is too many & thousand is never enough.My god I cannot believe it that it took me yesterday a whole day thinking should I take or not.I couldnot think of anything else.Phsically,the doctor prescribed clonazepam and other medications which really helped me alot.I taking them as prescribed but the mental part is what's bothering me.Everyday is a struggle whether to take or not.I like Tramadol so much & that's the problems.Things sounds alot easier when you take them & you feel more confident.I've been taking them for 3 years.I can get them easily from afriend so I don't have to face problems with the law.I was playing it safe so I actually never lost anything.To be frank one time I ended up in the intensive care unit but that's all.I have ajob & a good salary.I function well under the infuence of drugs.So I donnot have any clue if I want to continue being clean or take again.All what I'm doing is taking it one day at time.It's extremely difficult.Imiss it so much & i know I shouldnot be saying that but that's the fact.Noth thanks for your support.I hope I didnot disappoint anyone
love
jane

[jane_668]

Today is day 11 and I'm still clean.I didnot intend to quit .I was just too sick of taking that i decided I don't want to take for a dayand I ended up really quitting.It's a strange feeling when you're no more numb and you actually have to dela with every single issue.That's the hardest part .I can no more numb my feelings.I should feel prould of what I have done but actually I donn know what I'm feeling.I'm kinda scared.For me drugs were always my defence against pain.If I wanted a day to end quickly then I would take ,if I wanted to be happy I would take.I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore.Everything reminds me of Tramadol I used to take 20 pills 50mgs for 3 years.I cannot now enjoy anything.I'm feeling as if I have to do something because it has to be done.what's hurting me is that I'm see of being addicted to something but I'm not sure how to forget it.

[tennchick9598]

Hey Jane, im with you on the tramadol problemo sister.....check out my hey guys im back thread...... we need to talk...... much love