Why does she lie?

[Grace]

Last summer, my best friend of over 35 yrs. lost her job because she stole a morphine patch off of a patient. I went to court with her, helped her through withdrawal, and supported her in every way that a friend would. Now I found out that she is trying to get drugs from my sister. She is looking for a 'hook up' and my sister can help her out. My sister didn't hesitate to let me know what my friend is doing. She was being honest with me. My friend, on the other hand, says that she has called my sister's house looking for me. I have caught her in a number of lies. This is very dis-heartening as we have been friends for so long and how can I trust her now? I asked her if she was calling my sister trying to get drugs and she denied it. In this case, I know that my sister is telling the truth. My sister isn't even friends with her and her number is on my sister's caller id numerous times.

If she wants to get involved in drugs again, that's her choice. My problem is HOW can I continue to remain close to someone who repeatedly lies to me?

[marle]

You can't. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship. Addicts lie to those that care about them. My daughter is my addict. Since the lying is the part that bothers me the most, I set a boundary. No contact until she is working recovery and can prove it. Hard to do but setting boundaries with an addict is a must if (and the if is a biggie) you continue to have a relationship. Hugs, Marle

[ccgirl]

I agree with Blood. Be her friend at a distance. But when she's ready to be sober, still be her friend.

[northbelle]

Yup..classic symptom of the disease of addiction.
It is hard to set boundaries with addicts too because they scream for us to take care of them..that codependancy thing..I did alot of lying and screwing over people in my addiction too.
Thank god I don't have to do that TODAY..
She is a sick person..maybe it would help if you tell yourself that every time you ask yourself why she lies to you..
Set some boundaries wiht her and stick to them..
love north

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by marle

You can't. Trust is the foundation of any good relationship. Addicts lie to those that care about them.

Gosh, this is so true. I can't imagine having to cut off a friend of 35 years, but gosh... maintaining a close friendship with a person caught up in addiction is poisonous--for you. I know this intimately. i was a child of two alcoholics, so the whole detachment and boundary-setting philosophy of Alanon actually comes very easily (lol) for me. (I long ago had and seen enough! lol)

But whew, children aside for the moment, I really pity grown adults who are closest to active drug addicts and alcoholics.

These people always hurt the ones who love them, and in the worst ways. In a real sense, the addict or alcoholic himself cannot even help it. It is in the nature of the disease process to affect, tear-down, destroy.

Therefore, the responsibility falls in our laps to set those boundaries and simply refuse to be emotionally controlled or in any way affected by their disease and their behavior.

Ten

[Brian1978]

Yep, Lying is a very big part of addiction and I have done plenty of that during my dope days. My dad (who is an alcoholic) always told me that the worst person an addict can lie to is him/herself and I have been there as well. Don't give up on your friend atleast not yet as she now needs you the most.

[Grace]

Thank you so much for your advice. It is incredibly helpful.

One last question???

Do I confront her about the lying (she is terrible at it anyhow), or do
I gradually distance myself from the relationship?

I agree that trust is the foundation of every relationship.
Her lying has had a very negative impact on ours, BUT I don't like to judge anyone else.

Thanks again everyone and I truly need your advice on how to handle her lying. This is someone who calls me at least twice a day.

[marle]

Grace, It is totally your decision whether to confront her or not, whether to maintain the friendship and how much distance you want. I can only tell you from my perspective of dealing with my 20 year old addict daughter. You could see your friend put drugs in her body, you could find drugs on your friend, you could see all the symptoms of drug use and they will still tell you that they are not using. What does this do to you? It makes you second guess yourself, it drives you crazy and what for. Trust your gut on this one. If the behavior is there, whether they are using or not, does not make much difference. When dealing with an addict rule number one is protect yourself. I know you love your friend, I love my daughter. But I refuse to let her addiction destroy me. It is not mine to own, it is not mine to fix and it is not my responsibility to stand by her while she refuses to admit her problem and get help. You might want to come over to the friends and family of addicts forum. Lots of good help from people that are going through the same things that you are. Hugs, Marle