what to do now i hate life

[ihopeidie]

well i no lifes boring casue i smoke alot of weed and theres nothin ever to do casue i got no friends so i sit on my computer playing video games and i work as a janitour at an ice rink im 18 to ........ why i hate life? well a bunch of reasons ..... where do i start............................................. ...............................
oh ok here we go ......... my father beat me when i was a kid till i left house at 10 i stayed with bums under bridges some nights i got beatin by black gang once when i was walkin home from the pool with my friend .....they beat him so bad by time i carryed him 30 blocks up the long dark road as i saw no ******* cars drive by to help me and no ******* pay phones casue the city took out payphones casue of drug dealers .. and when i got to hospital he died i couldnt stop crying after that ... thats when i was about 13 , when i was in school at 15 i got picked on ccasue i was fat and i had very little friends casue i hanged out with geeks and idiots in school , then in gym class i was gettin picked on by my hole class but 1 kid the biggest kid in hole school pushed everyone aside and took me under his arm and got me smoking weed with him .. we skipped everyday smoking weed and **** so at 15 i was hating school so much casue i smoked to much pot anjd i forgot alot of stuff i remembered in school so i dropped out at 15 then went back in school at diffrent 1 for couple months didnt last long i started hanging out with more drug dealers in school just to not get beaten when i was 17 i quit school for good then i got some gay jobs , working at a plastic factory with old men over 50 with no lifes i was like sweet.... this is gay ass job so i went and worked in a resteraunt and that was gay to boss was bitchy always i dono why im tellin u guys this part but what ever so i am 18 now and for 6 months iv been smoking an oz a day and i cant stop casue i forget everyday why i want to stop smoking weed so i just cut some weed rull some weed then get my lighter and smoke it in my room all day playin on my computer im a janitour at an ice rink now 2 days a week ... not much money thats good thing i got my first paycheck 70 bucks i got my mp3 player out of pawn shop casue i pawn it when i got no money thats only thing i pawn for 20 bucks then i pawn it again to get money the next day casue i ran out of weed iv dont some really scary **** to , i went on a walk at night when i was 17 with 2 of my buddys we al lbrought crow bars to beat someone up for their money for weed and boose we came accros this guy on a bench and we were about to kill him with the crow bars but i said **** it no lets go
i dont no why i didnt do it i guess casue i dont wana go to hell or somethin like that sound stupid probably i bet this hole storey sounds stupid i wounder what u guys think ..

o forgot to add, i also started smokin weed casue my friend ricky was gettin picked on in other schools to and i hated them beat him up cuase he was the nices kid in hole world like hed do anythin 4 u and **** and hes just the nices kid hes a chronic lier but what ever who isnt right .. so one day i saw him gettin pickedo n at school so i walk over with a knife and i pull him out of a crowd of ppl and i say ricky go home ill meet up with you later , he goes home , i turn around i put my knife away and i say so u ******* faggits who wants to get ufcking beat firsT? there was 12 of them they all laughed at me , they didnt no i had a bat in my pants leg , so i took it out real quick smashed all the kids in their heads to get them on the ground then i started kicking their chest till they puked i made sure they watched me beat them 1 by 1 just to see what they would of dun to myt friend ricky do u think i did a wrong thing there by kicking crap out of the 12 that where gonna posible kill my friend? i made 1 of them go into a coma for life other 1s got lucky and have few broken ribs need some teeth and broken bones in arms and **** i didnt get charged casue i made sure they didnt rat on me

[ihopeidie]

what should i do i forgot to mention?

[Aa_vark]

Hi Ihope,

welcome to SR. Im a recovering alcoholic/and addict. I was a chronic weed smoker at 18, too. When i was old enough, i started drinking in bars, or with friends. That QUICKLY PROGRESSED to drinking alone at home and passing out nightly. If didnt p[ass out, i'd end up blacked out, blasted, driving around detroit looking for drugs. Started smoking crack at 29, as it was easier to come by then pot. Then my real problems began, and in the next 3 years I lost everything, money, girlfriends, jobs, new cars, dignity. I was close to death, and i didnt care. I ended up arrested , and facing felony time. I couldnt ignore my drug problem anymore. Drugs had taken over my whole life, and destroyed everything that took time away from getting and using drugs.

Thats when i checked myself into rehab, and started going to Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Living drug free was hard at first, because i couldnt imagine living without it. But i know i would die soon if i kept on using. I pressed on, because of the people i had met at meetings. They were clean and sober, years. They taught me how to stay clean, and live life on lifes terms. I wanted what they had. They were happy. That was the biggest attraction, and kept me coming back. My Life is completely different now. Everything isnt always great, but mostly, it is. Without the drugs and drinking i am free to improve the things in my life that i didnt "have time for" when i was using. Im free of the cravings. I have alot of friends in AA and NA, and they keep me as busy as i want to be.

If you want to be clean, you can be. Find a meeting, and keep going back, dont use inbetween. You dont have to sink as low as many of us did before you find some help. Addiction only leads to jails, institution, death or deriliction... Or we get help...

Oh, good on you for asking for help here! Keep reading and posting,

Aaron

youre in BC, canada? Is that right?

[ihopeidie]

ya i live in bc i dont really no what to do about posting what am i supose to post about?

[Aa_vark]

Here is the regional website for NA in BC. You can find local meetings and the helpline #. They will help you find a meeting, also other activities in your area.

http://www.bcrscna.bc.ca/

Here is the local website for AA. Im not sure how close you are to vancouver, but you can find other links or local scheduals from links here.

http://www.vancouveraa.ca

Check out the Substance abuse forum, and the newcomere forum. You can post support to others threads, or start your own, obviously. Just post whats on your mind. Lotsa people here, from recovery newcomers to those with many years recovery.

But to answer your question, what should you do? I would definately find an NA meeting and get yourself there. You owe it to your self to really check out your options - Most people dont get through addiction problems by themselves, although we almost all tried to. Many of us didnt find any help untill we found AA or NA. Together we can recover, and find meaningful existence. Alone, I had no idea what to do... So, thats my opinion, check out some meetings, and stay in touch here on SR...

[ccgirl]

I don't mean to sound flip, but your name kind of says a lot. Do you think you might be depressed? Because I tried to do it; it sucks.

[northbelle]

Wow you said alot..
thanx for coming here and sharing your story.
So do you want to give up the weed ???get away from the dope dealers ??
gang ..street stuff??
You can if you want to.
There are people out there to help ya.
love north

[Sunflower]

Hang in there---it will look better down the road...