been caught up - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

acristicat · 02-10-2007, 10:03 PM

hello all -

i have been caught up in the web of cocaine addiction for nearly 2 monhs now.... I loved the comraderie I got here but i STILL felt so alone and in so much emotional pain I couldn't stand it. The holidays did me in.

I guess i am notas strong as other people. I tried, even had a couple of years of sobriety but the pain of the loss of my husband, house, baby boy is slowly killing me and I find that now I really don't care anymore. They will all be better off without me to worry about.

pity party? maybe. just cant do this anymore.

Ten Chips Down · 02-10-2007, 10:55 PM

Cat -

Very sorry to hear of your struggles, girl. But first, rest assured that you are not alone in feeling alone. lol Second, rest assured that people all the time overcome, cope with, deal with, and heal old pains. People fail, they slip and they fall. All the time. For such is to be human and not divine.

Hey.

I once had a daggone sponsor in AA, eleven years sober. He agreed to an oral surgery procedure the doctors wanted to do on him and it went wrong. He wound up with two things: A longer recovery and a permanent lisp.

So.... he rebelled. You know. Against life.

It was all too hard. It was too much. And damnit to hell, it was not fair!

So he got high on his pain medications, even wound up guzzling an alcohol-based rinse he was prescribed. He fell off his wagon pretty hard, was deeply depressed - but that didn't stop this man from taking help, picking up another white chip, and keeping on keeping on.

That was over 15 years ago, the dude is now in his 60s, he is a picture of great mental health, and lives to help others.

. . .There should always be hope, Cat. If you're unable to muster it, I urge you to read the link below. I don't know that suicide is on your mind -you never said as much- but the link below is still filled with good stuff. If you haven't paid it any attention before, please read it all. It's a great post, it really is.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/1206057-post1.html

Ten

northbelle · 02-11-2007, 12:41 AM

Cat..yes you can girl..
It is too easy to just give up and take that way out..comeon..fight for your life.I know you are a survivor. I have lost kids too. My son was in state custody while I was sitting in jail for a year...but I got out and got him BACK...you never know what can happen IF you get clean..
If you keep using there is NO DOUBT what will happen.
Post again cat..
love north

Ten Chips Down · 02-11-2007, 01:12 AM

It's old & worn, yet I'd be remiss not to repeat it here... heh. I used to hear this around the tables at meetings.

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. The next miracle could be just around the corner."

ccgirl · 02-11-2007, 06:16 AM

Cat, I tried to commit suicide last April. Ended up at Cape Psych. You DON'T want to go there, and the only alternative is succeeding which is even worse. Then you'll never have a chance to mend things with your baby boy.

Please IM me. Maybe, if you're up for it, we could meet. I'm around. A lot.

catcrazy · 02-11-2007, 08:41 AM

Hang in there.
Sometimes its a fight to stay on top of your own emotions, but you have to dig down and find it, somewhere somehow.
You deserve to be happy and healthy. You have to give yourself that chance.
I lost my dad when I was 2, alcohol, drugs anything he could get his hands on.
He may have thought the same thing that I was better off without him, but you just dont know that. And he may have been that one person that could have made my being a kid not so hellish.
I hate to see anyone think their kids dont need them because you just dont know..next year you could be the most successful person in the world, it just takes a second for things to change..please hang in and try to make those changes happen..hang on to any positive you can..

StagebearNJ · 02-11-2007, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by acristicat

pity party? maybe. just cant do this anymore.

You're here. We're here.
Good start.

BeginAgain · 02-11-2007, 10:17 AM

Cat - I would like to send you a private message but your box is full. I would really like to share my story with you. We have much in common. It is a little too personal to share here...but I really want to share with you in hope that some piece of it may help you see that you are not alone.

chichi · 02-11-2007, 11:15 AM

"the pain of the loss of my husband, house, baby boy is slowly killing me and I find that now I really don't care anymore. They will all be better off without me to worry about."

Cat, I know how hard it is to stop the cycle of addiction but the truth is what is slowly killing you is not the pain of your loss but the drugs you are taking to numb the pain of your loss. Your son deserves his mom. I'm sure HE doesn't feel he'd be better off without you. I'm sure he misses having you in his life. If you get yourself clean and healthy, he can surely have you back. Keep your eye on that prize: your son. You deserve it and you can have it. You have the ability to make that happen, one day at a time.

chichi

(The folks at SR can help you, so can the fellowship of AA and NA. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to seek out individual counseling for a while as well -- I'm sure there are places that provide therapy on a sliding scale basis. Please try to take the first step to take your life back...)

northbelle · 02-11-2007, 03:35 PM

You not a BAD person trying to get GOOD..
You are a SICK person trying to get WELL...
We are not our addictions...underneath it all beats a heart of gold..I just know it cat..you ARE a beautiful person!!
Hey I'll give ya all the love ya need...I am not much of a tough love kind of gal...
love north

Lizrox · 02-12-2007, 04:10 AM

Cat,

boy do i feel your pain..

losteverything · 02-12-2007, 10:27 AM

hello Acristicat
I just read your last post, and my heart truly goes out to you...I know exactly how hard it is to get away and stay away from that crack...it obliterates the shame we feel while we are doing it, and that shame comes back in a torrent once we are sober again...I have battled it for years...I am also battling my alcohol addiction...last night, i slipped up again, and drank a mickey of vodka....and guess what? yep, phoned the crack dealer, but thankfully, i fell asleep before he ever had a chance to pop over...I am so grateful that happened, otherwise, who knows what would have happened..well, we both know what would have happened..just that first hit...followed by hours and hours of more, and never being satifisfied with enough.....stay strong...dont you just wish you could forever forget the dealers numbers, or where they live? they are slimy, thieving bastards..and we are their prey....

**Done-With-It** · 02-12-2007, 10:42 AM

Oh sweetie, I had a feeling you were out there. I've been watching out for you, You can do this. We're all here for you. NO ONE is or will be better off without you. I swear that much is true.

What can we do to help you? What can you do to help yourself get back on track? This is not the legacy you want to leave for you little boy, I know it isn't.

gettingbetter · 02-12-2007, 10:45 AM

Welcome back to SR. I wish there was some way we could check up on "missing" friends here at SR. I guess we come back when we are ready for help. This time don't leave, if you want to use, post, if you are feeling ******, post. You are far from alone. Make some meetings for some human contact with people who want to recover and stay away from those that don't, they are not your friends.

northbelle · 02-12-2007, 11:06 AM

Where you at sister?? we are looking for you!
love north

LIL_Pebbles · 02-12-2007, 03:01 PM

I like you have not been clean, The only thing I did right was the taper from 11/7-12-06...Now? I am worst off, I know of the depression I fel it now, I got high today and now no longer numb, yet am, for i am not fully awake yet, i will be in 2-3 days of the taper a drastic drop to 5mgs a day, back in 11/06? it was 7.5 mgs days it was 10mgs, here i go about me, I just want you to know that I have sugar coated my posts on here and I just did not want to deal with the reality of what was going on with me.

I have read alot of your posts along with ppl you share with, yes your loved here Cat, cared about very much...sometimes words are not enough to snap a person in check, but I will try...Cat your Son needs you, and your husband I am sure loves you and all of the ppl in your life, they do not need to know of your two month binge, however due to your depression and addiction, the toll that now sober, your crashing coming down from Cocaine rock or powder form, I asume drinking too...so try to understand that your mind is still not clear yet, I urge you to call your sponser if you have one and a hotline, perhaps some phone numbers on here from some of the females you got close to? I'm about to loose my man, we have not been intimate now going on 3 years, we are both deep in depression/stres while his opiate addiction is coverd w/ methadone clinic, he abuses xanax and klonopin, right now? he is out of it and he gets nasty around this time frame too, my dealer lives upstairs from me and he heard he and i yelling, my b/f is a work of art, as he yelled things for my dealer to hear, not good at all, i am shut down, my sister who uses and deals sold me enough pills enough for my taper for this month, I know of the insanity...the very things that you have lost you can and will get back, that hold that a drug has over us addicts can be so insane, in the addictional mind we do not think, what ever made you sober in the past use it, food is one of my issues, so i have over ate, now 10 pouds later and putting all my addictions in the battle ground, i am going to be very sick, but I have one shot, i feel it, I am sharing with you, hoping that you can relate to me, to know that your worth saving, saving yourself from the very thing that is killing you and keeping you away from what you love the most, your child.

acristicat · 02-13-2007, 06:44 PM

Hi guys -

Thank you for all the kind words

I am here - just had the stupid flu for 2 weeks now
I called my sponsor and came clean about the drinking and drugging. We were going to go to a meeting tonight but I can't stop puking

ciao

Hope · 02-13-2007, 07:15 PM

(((Cat)))

AcristicatAngel · 03-07-2007, 06:54 AM

Hello to you all ~

It has taken me 4 entire days now to do this. I can't even explain how I found this site, except for the will of GOD?! I signed up late last night and was up most of the night reading threads, posts, etc., in tears, devastated, lost....

I don't even know how or where to begin, but just felt that this was the absolute right place to be, as I feel as though I know some of you so well through your posts.

I am writing this with the heaviest heart ever (in my lifetime) and am struggling to do so. There are no easy words.... YOUR friend, my BEST friend in the whole world for the past 15 years, Acristicat (Cat), (my Christine), has lost her battle.... and her life.... to this evil hell called "addiction". I am SO very sorry for ALL of you. You have been her innermost strength, incredible support system, and "friends" for many months now. I'm sorry for her husband (ex), Chad, baby boy Reese, 4 (who she worshiped and adored, as you all know), her gorgeous, brilliant and beautiful daughter, Rachel, 19, and her tall, handsome, sweet son Travis, 15. As for myself... To go in life without Christine by my side will be a living hell that will never end for me... I don't know how I will do it, but I will! I have to, for Christine, and most especially for her children...

I spent hours last night with Rachel and Travis and their father, Dave. Today I will see Chad and Reese and we have been and will continue to grieve for the loss of a mother, wife, and best friend.

I felt you all deserved to know that Christine is now at "peace" IN a much more peaceful place, hopefully with that gorgeous, take-your-breath-away smile on her face, finally at rest and not struggling any longer with her demons.

I am lost without her, like I have never been...... I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function. I can't stop thinking about her and wondering if I could have "saved" her or, at the very least, helped her get through this most recent, devastating despair of hers. I tried endlessly over our years together but I, too, have now lost that battle and my dearest friend...............

I have to TRY to work now, but would love to hear from any and all of you who might have questions, thoughts, prayers, or words of wisdom to offer. I'm not sure if I should even be here, as I am not an addict, but have many family members and friends that are. I hope I'm not breaking any "rules", but felt the need to let you know of our dear friends passing.

Christine passed away on February 27th, we believe, and from what the coroner's office has said. We couldn't reach her for a day and a half, almost 2 days, and another friend went to her apartment with the police. She was there, but no longer with us... All of her family has arrived from different parts of the country. Christine was cremated and her family is having a "Memorial Service" for her on March 14th, next Wednesday. Chad and Rachel have decided to keep it "private", for close family and friends only. They do not want the so-called "friends" who supported and fueled her addiction present and, believe me, there are many.... I fear it will not be a peaceful service as so many people loved her, but yet on so many different levels, and even so ~ they will ALL want to pay their respects.

Again, I am not sure how to maneuver this site very well and, as I said, it has taken me 4 days to get to this point. I'm not even sure I should be here, but feel the need to be, for Christine, my love.... She loved all of you, I could tell, by her postings and words to many of you. I could certainly use a little support myself, right now, and I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported Christine and have been such "great" friends to her over the past months. She may not have ever made it this far, without you...

I would be so very happy to talk about Christine and/or answer any questions you have. I have given you my email address, as I'm afraid I feel inadequate on this particular site, and am afraid I may not find my way back, but will certainly do my damdest to try to do so! I have found peace in your writings and communications with Christine and it has helped me tremendously. I thank you all for that!!

Please, if anything be learned from Christine's passing and the addiction she struggled so desparately with, let it be that the loved ones YOU leave behind will suffer intolerably, forever, with neverending what-ifs and questions. That, too, is a very painful place to be in life, and I will probably never "forgive" myself for not being there for Christine, in her darkest hour... She will be forever loved and missed by all who knew her...

Love, Hope, Peace, Strength ~ To All of You

Much Love ~ Maryanne

PS ~ Hopefully, I will be able to access email/postings/responses through my new screenname on SoberRecovery (AcristicatAngel). I hope and pray, at least, that I have done this properly and will be able to find you all again. Thank you!

mikiglen · 03-07-2007, 07:51 AM

oh my god, cat was one of my first and dearest friends here. i feel like i failed her
does anyone know how to reach RG?

**51anna** · 03-07-2007, 07:55 AM

I am so very sorry that Christine has passed away.

My prayers and thoughts go out to her and her family.

Arura · 03-07-2007, 07:57 AM

OHHHH..NO....Not ((((Cat)))).....

Im so deeply sorry to hear this ,..(((Cat))) was close to me in certain ways ...

Sending my Deepest wishes to her Family and Friends and (((ALL))) who's life she touched ...!!!

Deeply sorry to hear that we have lost another to this disease,...!

Only Love ...xXx...!

mikiglen · 03-07-2007, 08:00 AM

angel,
please feel free to post whatever you want to here. we all loved cat, and if you want to tell stories about her, funny ones, sad ones, we would treasure them
thank you so very much for letting us know. this is a very sad day in SR

AcristicatAngel · 03-07-2007, 08:03 AM

Hi MikiGlen (Is it Misti?)
I was hoping to hear from you and could tell that you and Christine were great together and that she loved you very much (from your postings and support of each other). I tried last night to send you a Private IM, but, as I said, am having difficulty getting around the site. I just wasn't sure how to even get started. I'm so sorry to have to bring this news to all of you, but knew that you all "needed" to know and that Christine would send her love and appreciation, if she were still here with us. I found it strange that there were no postings since February 11th for anyone looking for her. I've probably missed something, as I'm so confused and lost right now. Can I ask who RG is?? Or, am I over-stepping my boundaries here. I'm sorry to intrude. I feel the love here for Christine and am trying to find some solace myself. We ALL feel like we failed her but, in the end, she just couldn't go on without her beautiful baby boy, Reese, in her life or the "love of her life", Chad.

Maryanne

02-10-2007, 10:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
acristicat In Memory Of Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Cape Cod, Mass Posts: 106	been caught up hello all - i have been caught up in the web of cocaine addiction for nearly 2 monhs now.... I loved the comraderie I got here but i STILL felt so alone and in so much emotional pain I couldn't stand it. The holidays did me in. I guess i am notas strong as other people. I tried, even had a couple of years of sobriety but the pain of the loss of my husband, house, baby boy is slowly killing me and I find that now I really don't care anymore. They will all be better off without me to worry about. pity party? maybe. just cant do this anymore.

02-11-2007, 08:41 AM	#6 (permalink)
catcrazy Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Pensacola FL Posts: 106	Hang in there. Sometimes its a fight to stay on top of your own emotions, but you have to dig down and find it, somewhere somehow. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You have to give yourself that chance. I lost my dad when I was 2, alcohol, drugs anything he could get his hands on. He may have thought the same thing that I was better off without him, but you just dont know that. And he may have been that one person that could have made my being a kid not so hellish. I hate to see anyone think their kids dont need them because you just dont know..next year you could be the most successful person in the world, it just takes a second for things to change..please hang in and try to make those changes happen..hang on to any positive you can.. __________________ Cat Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup...

02-11-2007, 10:17 AM	#8 (permalink)
BeginAgain Day by day.... Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW GA Posts: 449 Blog Entries: 3	Cat - I would like to send you a private message but your box is full. I would really like to share my story with you. We have much in common. It is a little too personal to share here...but I really want to share with you in hope that some piece of it may help you see that you are not alone. __________________ Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results!

02-11-2007, 11:15 AM	#9 (permalink)
chichi Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: NJ Posts: 36	"the pain of the loss of my husband, house, baby boy is slowly killing me and I find that now I really don't care anymore. They will all be better off without me to worry about." Cat, I know how hard it is to stop the cycle of addiction but the truth is what is slowly killing you is not the pain of your loss but the drugs you are taking to numb the pain of your loss. Your son deserves his mom. I'm sure HE doesn't feel he'd be better off without you. I'm sure he misses having you in his life. If you get yourself clean and healthy, he can surely have you back. Keep your eye on that prize: your son. You deserve it and you can have it. You have the ability to make that happen, one day at a time. chichi (The folks at SR can help you, so can the fellowship of AA and NA. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to seek out individual counseling for a while as well -- I'm sure there are places that provide therapy on a sliding scale basis. Please try to take the first step to take your life back...) Last edited by chichi; 02-11-2007 at 11:16 AM. Reason: still can't use the quote feature

02-12-2007, 10:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
losteverything Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: British columbia Posts: 40	i know exactly how you feel.. hello Acristicat I just read your last post, and my heart truly goes out to you...I know exactly how hard it is to get away and stay away from that crack...it obliterates the shame we feel while we are doing it, and that shame comes back in a torrent once we are sober again...I have battled it for years...I am also battling my alcohol addiction...last night, i slipped up again, and drank a mickey of vodka....and guess what? yep, phoned the crack dealer, but thankfully, i fell asleep before he ever had a chance to pop over...I am so grateful that happened, otherwise, who knows what would have happened..well, we both know what would have happened..just that first hit...followed by hours and hours of more, and never being satifisfied with enough.....stay strong...dont you just wish you could forever forget the dealers numbers, or where they live? they are slimy, thieving bastards..and we are their prey....

02-10-2007, 10:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ten Chips Down Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Posts: 877	Cat - Very sorry to hear of your struggles, girl. But first, rest assured that you are not alone in feeling alone. lol Second, rest assured that people all the time overcome, cope with, deal with, and heal old pains. People fail, they slip and they fall. All the time. For such is to be human and not divine. Hey. I once had a daggone sponsor in AA, eleven years sober. He agreed to an oral surgery procedure the doctors wanted to do on him and it went wrong. He wound up with two things: A longer recovery and a permanent lisp. So.... he rebelled. You know. Against life. It was all too hard. It was too much. And damnit to hell, it was not fair! So he got high on his pain medications, even wound up guzzling an alcohol-based rinse he was prescribed. He fell off his wagon pretty hard, was deeply depressed - but that didn't stop this man from taking help, picking up another white chip, and keeping on keeping on. That was over 15 years ago, the dude is now in his 60s, he is a picture of great mental health, and lives to help others. . . .There should always be hope, Cat. If you're unable to muster it, I urge you to read the link below. I don't know that suicide is on your mind -you never said as much- but the link below is still filled with good stuff. If you haven't paid it any attention before, please read it all. It's a great post, it really is. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/1206057-post1.html Ten

02-11-2007, 12:41 AM	#3 (permalink)
northbelle Dopeless Hope Fiend Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: anchorage Alaska Posts: 1,674	Cat..yes you can girl.. It is too easy to just give up and take that way out..comeon..fight for your life.I know you are a survivor. I have lost kids too. My son was in state custody while I was sitting in jail for a year...but I got out and got him BACK...you never know what can happen IF you get clean.. If you keep using there is NO DOUBT what will happen. Post again cat.. love north

02-11-2007, 01:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
Ten Chips Down Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Posts: 877	It's old & worn, yet I'd be remiss not to repeat it here... heh. I used to hear this around the tables at meetings. "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. The next miracle could be just around the corner."

02-11-2007, 06:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
ccgirl Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Harwich, MA Posts: 2,593	Cat, I tried to commit suicide last April. Ended up at Cape Psych. You DON'T want to go there, and the only alternative is succeeding which is even worse. Then you'll never have a chance to mend things with your baby boy. Please IM me. Maybe, if you're up for it, we could meet. I'm around. A lot.

02-11-2007, 03:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
northbelle Dopeless Hope Fiend Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: anchorage Alaska Posts: 1,674	You not a BAD person trying to get GOOD.. You are a SICK person trying to get WELL... We are not our addictions...underneath it all beats a heart of gold..I just know it cat..you ARE a beautiful person!! Hey I'll give ya all the love ya need...I am not much of a tough love kind of gal... love north

02-12-2007, 04:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
Lizrox Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 513	Cat, boy do i feel your pain..

02-12-2007, 10:42 AM	#13 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,250 Blog Entries: 15	Oh sweetie, I had a feeling you were out there. I've been watching out for you, You can do this. We're all here for you. NO ONE is or will be better off without you. I swear that much is true. What can we do to help you? What can you do to help yourself get back on track? This is not the legacy you want to leave for you little boy, I know it isn't. __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

02-12-2007, 10:45 AM	#14 (permalink)
gettingbetter Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: syracuse,ny Posts: 103	Welcome back to SR. I wish there was some way we could check up on "missing" friends here at SR. I guess we come back when we are ready for help. This time don't leave, if you want to use, post, if you are feeling ******, post. You are far from alone. Make some meetings for some human contact with people who want to recover and stay away from those that don't, they are not your friends.

02-12-2007, 11:06 AM	#15 (permalink)
northbelle Dopeless Hope Fiend Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: anchorage Alaska Posts: 1,674	Where you at sister?? we are looking for you! love north

02-12-2007, 03:01 PM	#16 (permalink)
LIL_Pebbles Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: 24/7 How Am I gonna Get claen, when Doctors don't help me? Posts: 147	I like you have not been clean, The only thing I did right was the taper from 11/7-12-06...Now? I am worst off, I know of the depression I fel it now, I got high today and now no longer numb, yet am, for i am not fully awake yet, i will be in 2-3 days of the taper a drastic drop to 5mgs a day, back in 11/06? it was 7.5 mgs days it was 10mgs, here i go about me, I just want you to know that I have sugar coated my posts on here and I just did not want to deal with the reality of what was going on with me. I have read alot of your posts along with ppl you share with, yes your loved here Cat, cared about very much...sometimes words are not enough to snap a person in check, but I will try...Cat your Son needs you, and your husband I am sure loves you and all of the ppl in your life, they do not need to know of your two month binge, however due to your depression and addiction, the toll that now sober, your crashing coming down from Cocaine rock or powder form, I asume drinking too...so try to understand that your mind is still not clear yet, I urge you to call your sponser if you have one and a hotline, perhaps some phone numbers on here from some of the females you got close to? I'm about to loose my man, we have not been intimate now going on 3 years, we are both deep in depression/stres while his opiate addiction is coverd w/ methadone clinic, he abuses xanax and klonopin, right now? he is out of it and he gets nasty around this time frame too, my dealer lives upstairs from me and he heard he and i yelling, my b/f is a work of art, as he yelled things for my dealer to hear, not good at all, i am shut down, my sister who uses and deals sold me enough pills enough for my taper for this month, I know of the insanity...the very things that you have lost you can and will get back, that hold that a drug has over us addicts can be so insane, in the addictional mind we do not think, what ever made you sober in the past use it, food is one of my issues, so i have over ate, now 10 pouds later and putting all my addictions in the battle ground, i am going to be very sick, but I have one shot, i feel it, I am sharing with you, hoping that you can relate to me, to know that your worth saving, saving yourself from the very thing that is killing you and keeping you away from what you love the most, your child. __________________ Alcoholism Opiate addict/dependant 4 years "Percocete" Once I only thought of getting high, now I think: How am I going to get through this w/out going insane.

03-07-2007, 08:07 AM	#25 (permalink)

02-13-2007, 06:44 PM	#17 (permalink)
acristicat In Memory Of Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Cape Cod, Mass Posts: 106	Thanks Hi guys - Thank you for all the kind words I am here - just had the stupid flu for 2 weeks now I called my sponsor and came clean about the drinking and drugging. We were going to go to a meeting tonight but I can't stop puking ciao

02-13-2007, 07:15 PM	#18 (permalink)
Hope Getting Better All The Time Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Recovering Posts: 3,211	(((Cat)))

03-07-2007, 06:54 AM	#19 (permalink)
AcristicatAngel Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Cape Cod, MA Posts: 18	Acristicat's Friend (AcristicatAngel) Hello to you all ~ It has taken me 4 entire days now to do this. I can't even explain how I found this site, except for the will of GOD?! I signed up late last night and was up most of the night reading threads, posts, etc., in tears, devastated, lost.... I don't even know how or where to begin, but just felt that this was the absolute right place to be, as I feel as though I know some of you so well through your posts. I am writing this with the heaviest heart ever (in my lifetime) and am struggling to do so. There are no easy words.... YOUR friend, my BEST friend in the whole world for the past 15 years, Acristicat (Cat), (my Christine), has lost her battle.... and her life.... to this evil hell called "addiction". I am SO very sorry for ALL of you. You have been her innermost strength, incredible support system, and "friends" for many months now. I'm sorry for her husband (ex), Chad, baby boy Reese, 4 (who she worshiped and adored, as you all know), her gorgeous, brilliant and beautiful daughter, Rachel, 19, and her tall, handsome, sweet son Travis, 15. As for myself... To go in life without Christine by my side will be a living hell that will never end for me... I don't know how I will do it, but I will! I have to, for Christine, and most especially for her children... I spent hours last night with Rachel and Travis and their father, Dave. Today I will see Chad and Reese and we have been and will continue to grieve for the loss of a mother, wife, and best friend. I felt you all deserved to know that Christine is now at "peace" IN a much more peaceful place, hopefully with that gorgeous, take-your-breath-away smile on her face, finally at rest and not struggling any longer with her demons. I am lost without her, like I have never been...... I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function. I can't stop thinking about her and wondering if I could have "saved" her or, at the very least, helped her get through this most recent, devastating despair of hers. I tried endlessly over our years together but I, too, have now lost that battle and my dearest friend............... I have to TRY to work now, but would love to hear from any and all of you who might have questions, thoughts, prayers, or words of wisdom to offer. I'm not sure if I should even be here, as I am not an addict, but have many family members and friends that are. I hope I'm not breaking any "rules", but felt the need to let you know of our dear friends passing. Christine passed away on February 27th, we believe, and from what the coroner's office has said. We couldn't reach her for a day and a half, almost 2 days, and another friend went to her apartment with the police. She was there, but no longer with us... All of her family has arrived from different parts of the country. Christine was cremated and her family is having a "Memorial Service" for her on March 14th, next Wednesday. Chad and Rachel have decided to keep it "private", for close family and friends only. They do not want the so-called "friends" who supported and fueled her addiction present and, believe me, there are many.... I fear it will not be a peaceful service as so many people loved her, but yet on so many different levels, and even so ~ they will ALL want to pay their respects. Again, I am not sure how to maneuver this site very well and, as I said, it has taken me 4 days to get to this point. I'm not even sure I should be here, but feel the need to be, for Christine, my love.... She loved all of you, I could tell, by her postings and words to many of you. I could certainly use a little support myself, right now, and I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported Christine and have been such "great" friends to her over the past months. She may not have ever made it this far, without you... I would be so very happy to talk about Christine and/or answer any questions you have. I have given you my email address, as I'm afraid I feel inadequate on this particular site, and am afraid I may not find my way back, but will certainly do my damdest to try to do so! I have found peace in your writings and communications with Christine and it has helped me tremendously. I thank you all for that!! Please, if anything be learned from Christine's passing and the addiction she struggled so desparately with, let it be that the loved ones YOU leave behind will suffer intolerably, forever, with neverending what-ifs and questions. That, too, is a very painful place to be in life, and I will probably never "forgive" myself for not being there for Christine, in her darkest hour... She will be forever loved and missed by all who knew her... Love, Hope, Peace, Strength ~ To All of You Much Love ~ Maryanne PS ~ Hopefully, I will be able to access email/postings/responses through my new screenname on SoberRecovery (AcristicatAngel). I hope and pray, at least, that I have done this properly and will be able to find you all again. Thank you!

03-07-2007, 07:51 AM	#20 (permalink)
mikiglen Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere Posts: 2,122	oh my god, cat was one of my first and dearest friends here. i feel like i failed her does anyone know how to reach RG? __________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late

03-07-2007, 07:55 AM	#21 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,025	I am so very sorry that Christine has passed away. My prayers and thoughts go out to her and her family. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

03-07-2007, 07:57 AM	#22 (permalink)
Arura Trying to do the right thing. Join Date: May 2006 Location: London Posts: 4,354	OHHHH..NO....Not ((((Cat))))..... Im so deeply sorry to hear this ,..(((Cat))) was close to me in certain ways ... Sending my Deepest wishes to her Family and Friends and (((ALL))) who's life she touched ...!!! Deeply sorry to hear that we have lost another to this disease,...! Only Love ...xXx...! __________________ Weve come along way and were Changing day by day We DO Recover. We can Recover...!

03-07-2007, 08:00 AM	#23 (permalink)
mikiglen Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere Posts: 2,122	angel, please feel free to post whatever you want to here. we all loved cat, and if you want to tell stories about her, funny ones, sad ones, we would treasure them thank you so very much for letting us know. this is a very sad day in SR __________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late

03-07-2007, 08:03 AM	#24 (permalink)
AcristicatAngel Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Cape Cod, MA Posts: 18	Re: Acristicat (my friend and love of my life) Hi MikiGlen (Is it Misti?) I was hoping to hear from you and could tell that you and Christine were great together and that she loved you very much (from your postings and support of each other). I tried last night to send you a Private IM, but, as I said, am having difficulty getting around the site. I just wasn't sure how to even get started. I'm so sorry to have to bring this news to all of you, but knew that you all "needed" to know and that Christine would send her love and appreciation, if she were still here with us. I found it strange that there were no postings since February 11th for anyone looking for her. I've probably missed something, as I'm so confused and lost right now. Can I ask who RG is?? Or, am I over-stepping my boundaries here. I'm sorry to intrude. I feel the love here for Christine and am trying to find some solace myself. We ALL feel like we failed her but, in the end, she just couldn't go on without her beautiful baby boy, Reese, in her life or the "love of her life", Chad. Maryanne