been caught up

[Slightly Batty]

Hello All,
Oh - dear woman that Cat was, dear beautiful soul. I was often here, but not posting and watched for her post. Thoughts and blessing for her family. Yes, she is at peace now. I can see that big beautiful smile, you don't have to know someone well to know that smile was love and a wonderful soul.
FJHS

[racegirl2448]

Miki - I know I am tormented with this but.... I keep thinking what if she thought I was ignoring her those weeks when I was working 14-16hr days.... what if she had forgotten that I had found a job finally... and assumed I was just ignoring her those last few weeks.
I was just to tired to log on here or anywhere for that matter when I got home at night. I hope she knew that.
Then I got let go from that new job and I was depressed over being let go so soon after starting... I gave myself a few days to gather the nerve to log on here again...cuz I felt like a failure & I was emarrassed that I couldn't even hold a job for more than a few weeks.
Finally I did log on & I spoke with you and I looked for Cat.... then within a few days you told me to call you ASAP!!! The rest is history.
I will be ok eventually.... it just hurts to think maybe she thought I was ignoring her those last few weeks.
Love You All
PS....
I have found a new addiction > dunking oreo cookies in my coffee... OMG I have eaten 2 bags of Double Stuff Oreo's in less than a week. I have never done that before..... when I come on here this spring/summer complaining to you guys that my jeans and my shorts do not fit me anymore...PLEASE remind me of my Double Stuff Oreo week.....THANKX ((( HUGZ )))

[t_a_n_y_a_]

Originally Posted by racegirl2448

Tanya-
Cat and Miki and myself were like the 3 Musteteers on this site and through email and stuff so this whole thing has really bothered me alot...... although Christine's DOC was different than mine we still had a bond and I know for a fact there were a few differnt times Miki and I stopped her from using and for that I was thankful that we were able to help her on those occassions.
I remember there was a day Miki & I both on here and in emails tried and tried to get her mind of using.....but... there was no changingher mind that day...
Miki do you remember that day at all?
Anyways... I was reading through her past posts and I found a post where she said she was talking to 2 of what she felt were "good friends" she made here and how we both told her "please don't do it" or something like that.....anyways I cried while reading that because I believe it was Miki & I she was talking about and it was the day I spoke of above in this post.
I started crying when I read that because it made me happy even if for only
for a short time that she concidered us her "good friends" and just knowing she felt that way about me gave me some peace of mind.....I always thought of her as my friend but I do nothave a habit of asking people "hey...are you my friend? Do you like me?" so seeing her type that and knowing that was how she felt about me & Miki too...made me cry. I could be totally wrong...maybe she was talking about some other people but deep down inside I feel it was us.
Anyways..... Tanya you mentioned your DOC being the same as Christine's (CAT)... please....please let this be a lesson to you. Everytime you feel the urge to snort a line of white please think twice and just say "NO..not today".

If any good can come out of my friend passing please let it be that her passing made someone think twice about using and possibly save someone's life.... that would be such an honor to her, and all that knew her..... especially her kids.
Please... don't ever think to yourself "it won't happen to me"... "I am always careful so it can't happen to me"............
Tanya, I am telling you as a friend...it can happen to you especially with that certain drug.... I have read that everytime you do a line of coke it scars your heart, not sure if that is true or not but I did read that somewhere. I also read that all it takes is 1 time and it can kill you.... a basketball player who never did it before died after trying that drug only once.....this is true and a fact that actually happened. Coke makes your heart race and stuff like that so all it take is once to throw off your heartbeat.
Please do not get madd at me for saying all this... I am not trying to be mean I am just scared for you and anyone else who's DOC is cocaine..... all drugs are bad but that one scares me the most. OK I have said my peace. GodBless and be safe.

How could I possibly be mad at you for saying that?!

Your right it does make your heart race, I've often sat there and wondered whether I was on the verge of a heart attack. And its true it's often the smallest of lines that kill people because their heart simply cant take it anymore. Everything you said absolutely true, and puts new perspective on my own addiction. Makes me feel like ****, absolute **** for my relapse. I have another chance. She doesn't. Despite the fact that we weren't good friends this really hit me hard....you never want to believe this stuff can kill you. awful reality check.

[AcristicatAngel]

Hi all ~

Whew....... I have pics from Cat's Memorial Service and will be posting them withitn the next few days, along with her obituarty. I've been sooooooo tired and am still trying to catch up on my workload from the past 2 weeks. Those b******s didn't even cover my work for last Wednesday when I told them I was taking the day off to attend my best friend's funeral!!!! Ughhh

Anyway, miss you all and will post and paste pictures soon

Love ~ M.A.

[racegirl2448]

looking forward to your pics...well actually not looking forward in a good way but ya know what I am trying to say.
Hope you get caught up on work soon.....send some this way I will help ya . I just completed 2 classes & got certificates for :
Medical Terminology
Medical Billing & Coding

but.... I think what you do is different , still willing to help though.

[mikiglen]

angel, how are you doing? please post and let us know how you are
love ya

[northbelle]

Remembering cat and here three children today...Doyou think she is watching over them now?? I sure do..happy mothers day cat!!!
love north

[roadie58]

I didn't know Cat, but feel the pain she lived with and of those who loved her.

This could be any one of us.

This could be me.

Despair kills.

[JbAus]

Whoa man... i read her first post and then cut forward to page five to see what the topics were about...
It's kinda scary to know that people on here are dieing, all the time, even though they are seeking help. Hopefully the help she found on this forum delayed her self destruction.
I know wherever she is she is happy.

[peachy1005]

this thread has got me in tears here- I didnt even skip to the end like JB- just read down from first post. roadie is right- this could be any of us. This thread is what I'll think about when I have my next urge to use. So sorry for cat and her family, though I never knew her, I'm relatively new to this site and still new to recovery in general. Prayers for all that are affected by drug addiction.

[TiredMama]

I am in tears reading this. I started reading her thread and came across the post where her dear friend came in and told everyone what had happened.

I am new to this site as well but as an addict, I feel close to her in other ways. Her family is in my thoughts.

[Captain Planet]

Originally Posted by acristicat

hello all -

i have been caught up in the web of cocaine addiction for nearly 2 monhs now.... I loved the comraderie I got here but i STILL felt so alone and in so much emotional pain I couldn't stand it. The holidays did me in.

I guess i am notas strong as other people. I tried, even had a couple of years of sobriety but the pain of the loss of my husband, house, baby boy is slowly killing me and I find that now I really don't care anymore. They will all be better off without me to worry about.

pity party? maybe. just cant do this anymore.

I am sorry to hear about your losses. It is critically important for your own personal well being that you stay away from coke. Especially if you are within your first few months of addiction. Now would be the easist time to break the habbit before it breaks you!! Take this from a long term addict, it is going to make everything a thousand times worse, you need to stop.

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by Captain Planet

I am sorry to hear about your losses. It is critically important for your own personal well being that you stay away from coke. Especially if you are within your first few months of addiction. Now would be the easist time to break the habbit before it breaks you!! Take this from a long term addict, it is going to make everything a thousand times worse, you need to stop.

Captain Planet, Very true words.

But sadly my very good friend, Cat, passed away one year ago today.
The habit did break her, but not her memory.

I was actually just on my way here to post to this thread.

YouTube - Elton John - Empty Garden


EMPTY GARDEN

What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden among the flagstones there.
Who lived here?
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.
And now it all looks strange.
It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain.

And what's it for,
This little empty garden by the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more.
Who lived here?
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.
And we are so amazed! We're crippled and we're dazed....
A gardener like that one, no one can replace.

And I've been knocking, but no one answers.
And I've been knocking, most all the day.
Oh and I've been calling ,oh hey, hey, Johnny!
Can't you come out to play?

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years.
But he'd have said that roots grow stronger, if only he couldhear.
Who lived there?
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls.....
We hear, we hear your name.....

And I've been knocking, but no one answers.
And I've been knocking, most all the day.
Oh and I've been calling ,oh hey, hey, Johnny!
Can't you come out to play,
In your empty garden?
Johnny?
Can't you come out to play, in your empty garden?


~Miss You Much Sister~

[ccgirl2]

Thank you for posting that song for Cat. It's one of my favorites of all time. Sad, beautiful and fitting.