been caught up

[racegirl2448]

cut it out and scan in ...save it to desktop or wherever and post it here. Scanning will work. Just a thought

[Time2Surrender]

Sorry. Didnt take that one too well. Its almost been a year since Trish died and I still have a hard time with that one too. I dont take it too well when we lose a member at one of my meetings either. I didnt even know her. Just saw her around here at SR and read a few of her posts. It caught me off guard and I was in shock. I thought I read it wrong. I will continue to spread the message of recovery here at SoberRecovery, as I do in the rooms of NA. For years I suffered in my addiction. For years I was convinced I was one who could not do this. For years I felt hopeless. I was wrong. Recovery and freedom from active addiction is possible for anyone. I was the hopeless addict. Or so I thought. In and out of AA/NA for years. Then I finally surrendered. I am coming up on two years. I have sponsies who look up to me. I live a blessed life and I am very happy. I have even been asked to be a speaker at a meeting with close to 75 addicts. For me, that is huge! I never imagined that happening. Knowing what I know today, and having what I have, its very difficult and painful to see others still suffer. Even worse to see them die. This did not have to happen. My prayers and condolances to her family.

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

I didnt even know her. Just saw her around here at SR and read a few of her posts. It caught me off guard and I was in shock. I thought I read it wrong. I will continue to spread the message of recovery here at SoberRecovery, as I do in the rooms of NA. For years I suffered in my addiction. For years I was convinced I was one who could not do this. For years I felt hopeless. I was wrong. Recovery and freedom from active addiction is possible for anyone. I was the hopeless addict. Or so I thought. In and out of AA/NA for years. Then I finally surrendered. I am coming up on two years. I have sponsies who look up to me. I live a blessed life and I am very happy. I have even been asked to be a speaker at a meeting with close to 75 addicts. For me, that is huge! I never imagined that happening. Knowing what I know today, and having what I have, its very difficult and painful to see others still suffer. Even worse to see them die. This did not have to happen. My prayers and condolances to her family.

Thank you for speaking my thoughts, so well: "Knowing what I know today, and having what I have, its very difficult and painful to see others still suffer."

Yes. It is difficult.

These last weeks have really caught me off guard, as well. With both Greeneyes' and Christine's passing.

Like T2S, I am just so very grateful with all that I have in my life. The fullness. The peace. It certainly wasn't always this way.

Therefore, these two passings-on have really shaken me. It is suddenly all too real. I don't know how to express this. I guess it is the chord of familiarity the news strikes. I have the same ailment--and that is very, very disturbing. "Why couldn't they get better in time, too?" - similar to what T2S writes. It makes me well up. Reading this thread makes my eyes well anew.

Angel, thanks for being here.

Ten

[AcristicatAngel]

TCD and T2S ~

I, too, am still in shock, but wanted to say a quick hello and that I would like you to please feel free to PM me if you want to talk at all. Maybe you will find even more strength to keep on with the peace YOU have found because of the news of Greeneyes and Cat's death. I want something positive to come from this sad loss! I spent an hour and a half on the phone last night with a friend of mine and Cat's, making plans for her Memorial Service tomorrow : ( It wasn't all sad, as we have some wonderful, beautiful, FUNNY memories), but the fact that we are planning ANY of this angers me beyond all! We are deciding what food we need to make, what flower arrangements we are buying in honor of her children, what we are going to say when it is our turn to stand up and honor HER (if I can find the phsysical and emotional strength to do that ~ I suppose I'll know tomorrow if I can pull that off). It was NOT intentional on Cat's part from what we all know now to leave this world that day/night she did... I think she was struggling so deeply with the addiction and the loss of her family these past weeks, as you have all read on her threads and posts, that she just spiraled and kept drugging and drinking. She stopped fighting!! She was found sitting on the floor, against the couch, and I think her heart just stopped THIS time.... She didn't want that to happen that day, but IT DID! E and I talked about it last night at length and E said, and it is SO true of Cat, that she would not have wanted to have been found the way she was (or looked)!!! She was a VERY beautiful, vivacious, charismatic woman and cared very much about her looks (maybe that's all she felt she had left, even after facing the malignant melanoma on her face and having gone through the 13 recontstructive surgeries following the removal of that cancer the past 3 years ~ she was one of the MOST beautiful woman I have ever met). It happened and she probably didn't think it could happen to her, even after just having OD'd in December. She always came back from the "worst" of these binges, but this time she didn't. Which is reeeally worse? Planning it or not? She didn't expect to NOT be here the next day or week, or month.... She planned on fighting for her life and was probably thinking "tomorrow I'll start over"... She will never have that chance and I just want to pass on to all of you who are struggling today with this evil addiction that this disease WILL take you if you give it even half a chance, even one more hit, even one more drink mixed with one more pill....

I want everyone here on SR who is still struggling today with this and put yourself in Cat's position that afternoon... I'm sorry it's so painful, but I am hoping that her death, and Greeneyes (who also was SO young and SO beautiful and had everything to fight and live for) will somehow give you the strength and the WILL to end this life-threatening cycle... Just "one more" could very well be YOUR last and then your families will be where we are today... Planning, planning, planning.... The worst possible thing you could EVER have to plan in your lifetime... And, what do we even say at her service? There is SO much to say about her whole entire life, but how do you talk of the happy times and wonderful memories when you could still be living them with the one you love, and you no longer have that opportunity? And all because she just wanted to be numb and not think for a few hours or minutes....

I have to work now, but will write in the following days afer Cat's Service tomorrow. I love it here and have found such peace and comfort, but do you really all think I WANT to be here? I found this site by typing in Acristicat's email address and now I have lived the last 3 months of her life in this past week, the good and the bad, just because I want to hold onto her and not ever let her go...

Love to you all ~ along with some courage, strength and how about a little "fight for your life" thrown in there!

Love Angel

[TryingisDying]

Angel....My thoughts and prayers are with you and Christine's family. It is so sad to see some else die from their addiction. But it always makes me grateful that I am here....We are all a drink/drug away...God bless you and your family

[ccgirl]

What powerful words and emotions you have displayed. Thank you for sharing them with us. If it helps even one person that would be wonderful. I saw the obit in Sunday's paper. It was lovely and so was she.

[mikiglen]

angel, i am thinking of both you and cat today
that one last time is such a scary feeling....i remember one of the last times i took vicodin...i took a WHOLE lot....was laying on the couch and really felt like i was dying. i called my mom, and begged her to come over (she wouldn't), but made her call me every hour throughout the nite to make sure i was still alive. i was so very scared...all my babies in the house....i realized that i didn't want to die and leave them...what if i had?
terrifying, all this

[ayla zaire]

angel......i am proud of you for holding up so well, hon.......i've been thinking of you and cat and her family a lot this week......

my mama died on june 7, 2006......she was just 58.....this is what i read at her memorial...

if i be the first of us to die
let grief not blacken long your sky....
be bold, yet modest in your grieving
this is a change, but not a leaving...
for just as death is part of life,
the dead live on forever in the living

and all the gathered riches of our journey
the moments shared,
the mysteries explored,
the steady layering of intimacy stored
the things that made us laugh or weep or sing
the the joy of sunlit snow
or the first unfurling of the spring
these are not flowers that fade
nor leaves that fall and crumble
nor are they stone
for even stone can not
the wind and rain withstand
and mighty mountain peaks in time
reduce to sand

what we were we are
what we had we have
a conjoined past imperishibly present

so when you walk the woods where we once walked together
and scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow
or pause where we once did upon the hill to gaze across the land
and spotting something, reach by habit for my hand
and finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you

be still
close your eyes
breathe
listen for my footfall in your heart
i am not gone
but merely walk within you...

~nicholas evans

[AcristicatAngel]

Damn it! I just posted a reply and it went into space again.... Thank you Miki ~ I just sent you a PM. What I basically wrote was:

How many times did I see where Christine posted "that could have been me" or when her daughter's friend OD'd, she wrote "it could have been her mother!" And now... just a few short weeks later, it was... Heart-wrenching to think you'll survive this time around, again, and you NEVER know if that will be the outcome....

Thank you, too, Ayla! I have been trying to write my thoughts and memories on paper, to no avail... How do you do that for someone you've known and loved for soooo long? It's impossible, so far, for me anyway... I hadn't even thought about reciting a poem or a song and that was absolutely beautiful what you read at your Mom's service. I'm SO sorry to hear of your loss ~ I can't imagine ever losing my mother.... but that, too, will come one day. My dad died a horrible death from alcoholism and cancer years ago... So young too, 54....

I did decide to do a tribute, of sorts, to Christine and spell out her entire name (first and both last names) and use a descriptive word for each letter in her name. My daughter, the computer whiz, is going to help me tonight... For starters, I did C - Charismatic, etc... It makes me feel good to come up with all the wonderful words I can use to describe my friend! We're going to make a poster of it, with flowers and pictures, and all the things she loved, if I can find the time to do all of it tonight. Whew...

Well, back to work again... This day is going at warp speed and I'm lightyears behind...

Love,
Angel

[AcristicatAngel]

Miki ~ I can't FIND my pics of Cat, but know that I have several albums, so will post pictures after tomorrow of what I take at the service (there will be many pictures of Christine there), so hopefully those will be clear enough, 'til I find my own very special ones. I've been driving myself crazy looking for them. We moved off-Cape for 3 years and came back to our same home, but I just can't remember..... I'm sure you've been there...? LOL My printer/scanner is not working, so I can't even scan her picture to my laptop and post it here for you guys to see, until I come up with another way... I also forgot to mention that when Christine's daughter, Rachel, came over the other night, she had a new tattoo. I cried.... It's on her lower calf, the outside, and it is of a butterfly. Where the wings come to a point at the top, she had "Christine" written in script across from the tip of one to the other. And... at the bottom section of the wings, she had "1964-2007"... : ( Amazing girl, just like her mother. Everyone is asking me why she didn't put "Mom". I don't know the answer to that... I've got that saved in "My pictures" but everytime I try to copy and paste, the paste section is shaded and all that is highlighted is "delete", which, of course, I will not touch!!! I'm pretty average on getting around on this machine of mine, but questioning why I'm having such difficulty when it comes to anything to do with Cat now! She's probably messing with me and, you know what? That's OKAY!!

[racegirl2448]

Angel -
I bet she is messing with you from the other side...LOL
My grandmother passed in 1998 and when I do something stupid or do something that I know she would not approve of.... within 1/2 hr of me doing whatever it was I always and I mean always get a headache in the back of my head. You ask why I am mentioning this?
Because..... throughout my childhood if I did something stupid or was just acting like an idiot my NaNa would walk by me and wack me in the back of my head....kinda like saying to me "hey... smarten up....WACK!!!"
( this was by no means child abuse...it was just a frustrated grandma telling her granchild to smarten up.... it was never too hard...but enough so I'd feel it..)
Funny thing though...I just got done telling my mother last night that NaNa visited me when I got home with $100 worth of computer crap I really did not need...she asked why I though she visited.... I told her I got a headache in the back of my head from her wacking me cuz I wasted money I do not have on crap I did not need.....she laughed and I returned the crap today and got my money back...put it back in savings account.
People who pass have funny ways of communicating after they are gone.... I sware my Nana moves the photos on the wall all the time.... my mom will straighten them on a Sat for example and Sun or Mon they are crooked again...happens all the time. Could be wishful thinking but for some reason I believe it is her.

[ccgirl]

Hi Maryanne; I tried to email you twice and I'm not sure if they went through or not. I'm kind of computer challenged.

Please let me know if you received either of them.

[Hope]

I'm so sorry for the loss.

I'm really heartbroken over this. I was one of many who kept trying to reach out to Cat. I could relate to her struggle so much and I did all I could to try to help her. I wish I could've done more. I wish I could've taken the pain away from her.

This is so sad.

[AcristicatAngel]

CCgirl ~ I received both of your emails and emailed you back. Hopefully you've received mine!! Thank you...

Hope4Life ~ Thank YOU so much for your kind words and condolences. We are all alot less fortunate now to not have Cat in our lives. I see how much support she received here, and gave back, and it is absolutely mind-boggling. She was at home here, too, I could tell... We all wish..... but, again, if this tragedy could help to save one life, if not many, then Christine would be smiling down on all of us!! Let's hope, Hope!!

Goodnight all... Long day tomorrow... I will pass on all your thoughts and prayers to Christine's children, family and friends, and GINORMOUS (as Christine used to say) hugs and kisses to Reese baby xoxo

Love ~ M.A.

[ccgirl]

Oh, Maryanne, my daughter says Ginormous also. That word always makes me smile.

[mikiglen]

i am thinking of you today
let us know how the service goes
love ya

[TryingisDying]

Praying for you both today....

[racegirl2448]

Originally Posted by ccgirl

Oh, Maryanne, my daughter says Ginormous also. That word always makes me smile.

ok call me stupid.... but what the heck does GINORMOUS actually mean anywho? Just curious...I have heard it before but neva knew exactly what it ment...just played along like I knew ( I do that alot with words my younger friends & co-workers say )... LOL
My friend & (ex)co-worker who is like 24yrs old would always say .... BANGIN'... all the time. I finally asked her what it ment...she laughed her butt off telling me it means "awesome" and I need to get with the times and that the word AWESOME went out of style 20 years ago.
She also laughs at me cuz I am a white girl who can't dance...she tried to teach me but...... I tell you those spanish chicks can dance and make me look like a total idiot but ya know what? I love her to pieces and I always have a blast going to the Spanish parties she takes me too.....so what they laugh at me....it does not bother me cuz I know they are laughing in good faith not to be mean. I am the "white girl" who makes the parties fun and enjoyable. I just can not dance to save my life. I got no rythum....but I am trying to learn and having fun doing it.
Someday I will dance like them although I really won't dance exactly like them...they dance so close and so sexy it is like watching a soft porn... not that I personally care what they do but... when you got 2 or 3 girls feeling the music and going with the beat and just getting into the music and you mix in a few single guys... all those guys do is park their butts on the couch or whereva and watch.... I can assume they are really enjoying the show and letting their imaginations go wild...... I busted out laughing last weekend at all the guys drooling over watching a few of my friends dance together..... it was just too funny.... especially for me knowing these girls were totally straight and they are just dancing.

[leeside]

It is so much bigger (enormous) because little girls are so much smaller.

[AcristicatAngel]

Hi Guys ~ BeAuTiFuL SERVICE.......... I'll write more later, but am exhausted and going to bed now!!!

But.... before I do, I was laughing SOOOO hard. GINORMOUS, RG, is a combination of E-normous and Gi-gantic..= Ginormous, or should I say ~ Gigantic and enormous = GInormous!!! I say AWESOME all the time. The new words my kids use are ~ are you ready? Mad (that's mad). I think it means cool or AWESOME (GOD forbid we say that word) ~from our old days. And now... the new word is "WORD"... Still haven't figured that one out. I think it means the same pretty much (cool, awesome, yeaaaah,...)

Talk to you tomorrow. I have pics and words to pass on... Might take me a day or two.... Thanks for the thoughts and all the love!

Love ~ M

[Aysha]

Sorry did not see the first post. I am so sorry.

[t_a_n_y_a_]

I didn't even see this......god this is so awful.
I messaged her when I first go to SR to talk to because we both had the same DOC. We talked back and forth and then she disappeared and said she was having a rough time......Her family will be in m ythoughts

[racegirl2448]

Tanya-
Cat and Miki and myself were like the 3 Musteteers on this site and through email and stuff so this whole thing has really bothered me alot...... although Christine's DOC was different than mine we still had a bond and I know for a fact there were a few differnt times Miki and I stopped her from using and for that I was thankful that we were able to help her on those occassions.
I remember there was a day Miki & I both on here and in emails tried and tried to get her mind of using.....but... there was no changingher mind that day...
Miki do you remember that day at all?
Anyways... I was reading through her past posts and I found a post where she said she was talking to 2 of what she felt were "good friends" she made here and how we both told her "please don't do it" or something like that.....anyways I cried while reading that because I believe it was Miki & I she was talking about and it was the day I spoke of above in this post.
I started crying when I read that because it made me happy even if for only
for a short time that she concidered us her "good friends" and just knowing she felt that way about me gave me some peace of mind.....I always thought of her as my friend but I do nothave a habit of asking people "hey...are you my friend? Do you like me?" so seeing her type that and knowing that was how she felt about me & Miki too...made me cry. I could be totally wrong...maybe she was talking about some other people but deep down inside I feel it was us.
Anyways..... Tanya you mentioned your DOC being the same as Christine's (CAT)... please....please let this be a lesson to you. Everytime you feel the urge to snort a line of white please think twice and just say "NO..not today".

If any good can come out of my friend passing please let it be that her passing made someone think twice about using and possibly save someone's life.... that would be such an honor to her, and all that knew her..... especially her kids.
Please... don't ever think to yourself "it won't happen to me"... "I am always careful so it can't happen to me"............
Tanya, I am telling you as a friend...it can happen to you especially with that certain drug.... I have read that everytime you do a line of coke it scars your heart, not sure if that is true or not but I did read that somewhere. I also read that all it takes is 1 time and it can kill you.... a basketball player who never did it before died after trying that drug only once.....this is true and a fact that actually happened. Coke makes your heart race and stuff like that so all it take is once to throw off your heartbeat.
Please do not get madd at me for saying all this... I am not trying to be mean I am just scared for you and anyone else who's DOC is cocaine..... all drugs are bad but that one scares me the most. OK I have said my peace. GodBless and be safe.

[Done_With_It]

[mikiglen]

i remember that, rg.
i do feel that we were good friends with cat, but honestly, i can say that i think you and she had a bond that she and i did not have. you were more like a sister to her
keep your head up, sweetie, she is safe now....it seems that you are tormented by this and cat would not want you to be, you know that
i love you, and am here for you...you've got my number
angel, if you need help with the pics, remember, just let me know