help with home detox part 3

[racegirl2448]

I have had bad thoughts all day today.... I am to chicken to hurt myself but have thought about it more so today than ever before. My cousin just told me she wished I never moved downstairs cuz her hubby thinks I am annoying cuz either she comes down here or I go up there alot more than normal neighbors would.......but he likes me when he needs someone to watch the kids so he can go to the store....or when he needs me to get the 5 yr old on or off the bus then I am not annoying...... I told her screw you guys....
I need to talk to a shrink....soon

[mikiglen]

you can talk to me, you have my number, right?
i sooooooooo need supernanny to help me

[northbelle]

Micki...it is the most relaxing job I ever had!!!
I am still unemployed!Yeah..the recovery place called me and told me that they hired someone else but that I was in the top 3.
I am getting unemloyment but the probation dept is on my back to get a job. Plus I need to save up for a car and the 400 dollars to get my liscense. At least it is attainable now.
Sorry Misti if I made ya mad what I said about your mom. I just want the best for you....
I remember in a post not so very long ago you said you were going to "throw yourself into NA meetings". How far are they from your house?
I know that you don't have any good support in real life...as opposed to cyber life....not that we aren't real!!
i just know I could NOT do it without other people. I know that I never have to be alone now. I can always call someone for a ride if I really need to get to a meeting and can't ride the bus.
Do you guys have a bus in Texas??? I know I asked you that before..Bus has saved my butt the last few years. Been miserable but I have made it to where I need to be.
What happened to the boys daycare?? Are you eligible to get in a program to help with the daycare??
I know,,you REALLY just want to come live up here in the last frontier with me and Chance huh!!LOL..I know you do!!!!
Rock on with the jobs sister! Dang I have NO idea how you get so motivated to do all that. I have to go punch a timeclock to get any work out of me!! No , actually I have a job cleaning a condo on Thursday so that will help out. I am putting it towards my phone bill...my phone is shut off..but internet still works!!! God bless the phone company. I almost flipped out when I couldn't get on the forum last night and this morning...!!!
Love ya..kiss them crumb snatchers for me!!
love north

[mikiglen]

please don't apologize! i have said the very same thing to people on this board...and north, YOU could never offend me
i'm sorry to hear you are unemployed, still...did you ever look at craigslist? what about monster or hotjobs? you know you can always pm, e mail, or call me and i will help you all i can
we have a bus, you know how it is...without money, we really have nowhere to go.
about daycare, they are both eligible, but right now there is no spot til june for jake (with the exception of spring break...next week, YAY, i get a break!) the problem is, i can't get on the bus with jake's stroller....and it's a little over a mile round trip that even with the bus i would have to carry him. he's just too heavy. believe me, if i could put jon in right now, i would, as i would jake. i have clearance, just no spot, and no way
i would love to come up there, but right now i am "familiar", and i have such a wonderful landlord
there again, about the motivation, i guess i was manic. after all that constant looking and applying, tho, i assume that threw me into the depression, i don't know. i do know that i don't have 1/3 of that motivation right now.
you kiss yours for me, too
about my mom...i don't really know what is going on with her. she was a valium addict when i was growing up...my dad is the one who cooked, took us to school, watch me cheerlead, etc. when i was 17, they split up and i went with her. i ended up quitting highschool as a valedictorian three weeks to graduation in order to work three jobs and support us.
then, when i was about 25, somewhere around there...after her FIFTH marriage, she had to work. she actually got out and about, had a great job, i have never and had never seen her like that. well, after about a year....she had this fatty tumor on her shoulder that she couldn't afford to get removed. so she literally told me that she was going to go into work on a saturday, and say some boxes fell on her shoulder. then she could claim workers comp and get it fixed for free. well, that day, she came home all injured and stuff (i had just separated from my husband and was living with her...this must have been around 95, earlier than i first said), and said lo and behold it had actually happened !!! (yeah, right). that was the last time she ever worked.
she had the surgery on her shoulder, and said it got all infected and ruined. she remarried (had to, of course), and soon went to have a nose job, but, uh oh, it got all infected, too.
over the next few years (and two marriages), she "had" everything from cancer, to aids, to "they don't know what's wrong with me"
i still don't know, i don't get it.
she stays in bed literally all the time(which is why i get so mad that i can't use her car). she was SO immobile, that the muscles in her thumbs atrophied, supposedly she got carpal tunnel, and had surgery on each hand. right prior to the surgeries, her hands would ball into fists and she couldn't open them (not funny, but at a young age, to get out of chores, miki would say "i can't mom, my hands won't open). around this time, i guess, she started on the fent patches and vicodin (had always, always been on darvocet and xanax). well, the surgeries fixed her hands, right? then they found some kind of immune disorder, and she gets IGG infusions every two months or so. supposedly has this severe gut pain (i think is from the narcotics), but noone can ever find anything. she's "sick" alot. has a lot of bladder infections and walks doubled over half the time. they added the suckers for i don't know what reason maybe about a year, two ago. then in the last six months, the oxy. the same doc prescribes all of this. she is too doped up to ever do anything, and always has a sucker in her mouth. even her husband has asked me what is going on....her hands are fixed, why is she still needing so much pain medication? it's always something different..."my gut, my bladder, my shoulder".....i couldn't tell you what is wrong with her, i don't know. right now, i don't know if there is anything wrong with her. all the tests, hospitalizations, etc, have all been negative, but this doctor just keeps on prescribing, and she keeps sucking.
it is very frustrating for me, cause i want all that medicine. i want to lay in bed all the time and have some guy take care of me.
well, not really, but i hope you get my drift.
she actually got out today and brought me some formula, after me begging and crying....before she left, i tried to explain to her what was going on with me, and how i wanted to kill myself....and instead of supporting me, she started talking about how she thought her husband might divorce her, and she couldn't help me right now, cause she was trying to help all of us (?) by staying married....
she's just no support at all. and when i tell her about my addiction, how i am craving something and so mad and all....she tells me "oh, i know, i am facing my own addiction and i know what you are going through". i want to tell her...you know what? you have no clue. you think i am so dramatic and nothing is wrong with me and you understand. well, let me go to your house, and not just take your vicodin, but take ALL your narcotics, then let's see how it feels. THEN you will understand. she thinks when she gets low on her suckers (but still has a bottle of oxy and boxes of patches), that she starts getting sick. she just has no clue.
anyway, that's my rant about mom.
see how much i've been posting.....it's the "rebound" from the depression. i'm not even tired, and need to go to bed.
i soooooooooo hate my life.
i am going to take a big step in a minute. you all know i hate asking for or accepting help. my "angel" was a big dilemma for me, i soooooooooo hated to accept the offer of help, but i had to put my kids before my pride. well, i am going to try to get up the nerve to ASK for some help. i know it's not a necessity, but jon's birthday is april 1. i am going to ASK a friend for some birthday money IF i don't have any when it rolls around. i don't quite have the courage up to ask yet (and i'm not asking my angel, this is another friend)....but i WILL pay it back, i'm not worried about that. and i know they will help me, i'm not worried about that. i just don't want to ask. do you think it's wrong if i do?
anyway, i'm gonna go eat, and try to get sleepy.
sweet dreams, all

[mikiglen]

and probably in a few days, this thread will close and we will start part four. wow, i never imagined....

[mikiglen]

since i haven't read other threads lately (sorry mommies), i just saw the bipolar thread on here. i would be interested to hear if you true bipolars think i am correctly diagnosed (i know you are not docs, i just would like opinions). i was first diagnosed at about seven years sober, but am now just getting clean again, remember (hey, i think i am at around sixty days)
thanks for any input

[racegirl2448]

Originally Posted by mikiglen

you can talk to me, you have my number, right?
i sooooooooo need supernanny to help me

no only got email address.... PM me your number and I'll call.... I got free nation wide on my cell.
I am gonna crack .... I got computer class tomorrow til 12:30pm I can call after that

[northbelle]

Well you r mama is a sick person ..fronm the disease of addiction if nothing else. That is often what I say to myself about people who make me mad. adn it is true...pray for her..it is the only thing and the best thing you can do for her right now Mistit. Thank ou for sharing about her. It helps me get to know you better!
Don't feel bad about asking to borrow money..but for right now DON"T PANIC..it seems we actually start ANTCIPATING being broke and freek out! I will have EVERYTHING I need...we actually NEED very little when it comes down to it..and face it...our needs are ALWAYS met..everything always does work out if I don't use and and realize that I am powerless over people ,places and things. The harder I try to control things the worse they get..Usually things don't go according to my plan ...but they always work out.
There is a god misti..and I am not it..I like to act like it sometimes though!! Think I am so darn SMART!! God just laughs and usually puts his foot in my back until I surrender again!!!
I have to go to bed...
Felt sick all week now,,maybe it is my hep C acting up.
Just RELAX about the money misti..wait and see what happens for a day or so...pray about it,,,
love north

[jordoncole]

i dont know much about bipolar, I always thought that it ment 2 girls in alaska.

[TexasDumb]

Misti,

People can "think" themselves sick.

I had a couple of semi-friends of my friends that tried to take the easy way out by milking an actual injury with workman's comp.
One cut his hand while in a short prison stay on some dumb actions on his part.
He milked that cut hand for a year or so, until his hand would not work at all.
Next time I saw him, he was on crutches for some other "illness."

Two years later, he died of a heart attack at age 38!

Our minds are funny things. If we tell ourselves we ARE sick, our minds will oblige us. If we tell ourselves we are not sick, our minds will oblige that also.

Hang in there with positive thoughts, if possible.

And as far as "asking" for help with your child's birthday, even though it is hard for you and maybe humiliating, if you can, do it!

Children are the most important blessings in our lives, and they are young for just such a short time, and only have "that" birthday once.

[TexasDumb]

Jordancole,

Good one!

Where you been?
A good entrance back, I'd have to say.

[jordoncole]

i second that dumbtexas

[jordoncole]

oops, sorry, texasdumb

[jordoncole]

man, I just got a sudden burst of motivation. but still here

[mikiglen]

north, thank you
i cannot believe someone actually has the same embarrassing problem i do, and the boyfriend thing, heh
(take em teeth out honey, lol)
for you to admit it, too, just to make me feel better, wow, you're soooooooo amazing
finally, after the pendulum being at one end day before yesterday, OBVIOUSLY at the waaaaaaaaaaay other end last nite, i feel somewhat in the middle this morning
i'm sure you all will be very happy not to see so much posting today

eta: i thought i might start back on cymbalta til i could afford to get the depakote...i totally forgot about the NAUSEA....gives morning sickness a run for its money

how are you, kj?

[kj0975]

I'm doing good just lurking around here lol. My friend who has severe bi-polar takes lithium. I used to tell him he was b-polar b4 he was diagnosed he would go weeks without getting out of bed then he would be in his manic state then back down again. Sounds like your manic state is alot like his. I would really get that med filled sounds like its getting way worse. I also have to state sure this wont go over well...... For your own sanity right now it would be well worth the mile walk to get some peace and gather own thoughs and have peace and quiet. You said you have a stoller right? Hell after having my sisters kids I would walk 10 miles just for peace and quiet. I dont know though I dont walk in your shoes. I would give it a try for a day just for the one kid and I bet you will really enjoy it some. You have been couped up with those kids with no BREAK forever I'm sure it would even take its toll on Mary Poppins for heavens sake. The inconvienece of it all might be worth it. I know its easier to stay where we are and make excuses then to just give it a try but sometimes staying stuck is what leads us to our own thinking and mental breakdowns. Change is good, peace and quiet is better.

[mikiglen]

i agree 100%
i know it's out this week just cause i need to be on the phone starting around 730 (have already started this am), and don't want to take the hour and a half it takes to get the whole five miles, lol, until the jobs are a bit more stable.
however, next week is a different story as both boys can go. then, you can be damn sure i'll be bussing it to get them to school, heh
how's it going with the kids anyway? job still good?

[mikiglen]

goddamn it, i am about to lose job four.
it is 845 here...when i interviewed for this position, i was told it was no pressure, work whenever, as long as i set one lead per day. i am not hourly. the guy made it sound like it was real laid back, work when i want.
the trainer, who sounded like a real amateur yesterday, IS ALREADY IM'ING ME about why i am not working yet!!!!! of course, i got argumentative about the time here, and what chris had said.....
i can't deal with this guy every day, i am going to end up losing this job, too

[mikiglen]

he just im'd me "don't give me attitude"

[51anna]

It sounds like you didn't a proper job description from the interviewer Miki. I am sorry you're going through this.

[Smyle]

sorry bout the job crap...

I cracked up with your image of me...if you only knew...I mean I think everyone has their struggles....I just usually keep it to myself. I am shy like that...I just hope you know that you are never alone and I hope that it ges better soon.
~B

[mikiglen]

the other guy is so very nice, i've been working for him the last hour or so....but haven't gotten any leads yet. he doesn't pay near as well, either, and it's not as easy.
BUT, he is so much sweeter
and the job i really wanted, i just don't see how i can talk someone into selling their business
thanks, anna, i just wanted some light projects at first, ya know?
and thanks to you, too, beezy....you really do seem so together. obviously, i am not shy, lol. if you ever need to vent, i'm here for you

[I'mready99]

Mornin Misti...

Good luck with your leads.

Steve

[Slightly Batty]

Hi Misti,
I haven't been around for a few days, the kids and I STILL have the worst flu,
my dh had it first, apparently it's going around the little village where dh used to
work. Lasted about 2 weeks for some, so I'm really ticked off. The boys and I are on heavy antibiotics and it's crap, but as I told my oldest, this too will pass.
I'm still watching your thread, and admire you so much, no matter what. I'll have to give an update on myself later when I can sit up long enough!
SB

[mikiglen]

it hung around for me forever, too...it does eventually go away
my good job???? i've worked a total of 1.1 hours and am BACK TO THE SAME COMPANIES I STARTED CALLING YESTERDAY! that means that i have a database of like 75 companies or something. again, for those who don't telemarket....that's like impossible
maybe all this is a sign