help with home detox part 3

[ccgirl]

As far as losing your friend, you have every right to feel bad. That's normal.

As far as getting in the middle kid disputes that involve parents, I'm a girl scout leader so I learned a long time ago not to go there!!!



Misti, I'm doing surprisingly well, thanks.

[I'mready99]

Great news about the job Misti...

Good things come to those who wait...

Best of luck...

Have a nice weekend.

Steve

[mikiglen]

RG, do not ever get in the middle! cc is right. hopefully your friend will come around and you can patch things up.....surely????
cc, i read your thread and you are amazing, wow....good for you!
steve, hugs to you as always...love that picture....where are the new ones?
i got offered a fifth job yesterday....i don't know what to do....i have typed it out all before.....this last one though...at first i really wanted it, til they told me in the interview 30 hours per week, 9.00 per hour, and it is inbound. now, inbound would be easy, but all of you know i can't just sit by the phone all day...my boys are home. it's a real good company, though.....but i think i am going to have to turn it down. they also wanted to start me on monday, which is unfortunate.....if i could wait about two weeks, i could see about the other job. well, regardless, i guess i couldnt do it
sigh

[TexasDumb]

Misti,

It is SO good to have choices, but frustrating at the same time.
It's hard to predict the future and know which "ones" are the good ones.

[northbelle]

Wow Misti you are really cruising along girl. I can't believe your MOTIVATION. I can BARELY force myself to fill out job applications that have to be done online!! I have NO IDEA how you get it all done with the KIDS??????? Chance told me"you love that computer more than me!". Part of that is him just knowing how to manipulate though. You know I can really see how rough it is to be a only child. I am his entertainment.
You must be wonderful at multi tasking Misti! I got offered a job at the store about a half mile from my house, The trouble is the hours are till 12 at night. I am so close to my house though I am trying to figure out WHAT my otions are with Chance..he can walk to my work easy enough but after dark it is not the best neighborhood. He can't just hang out till midnite but I am wondering if he is capable of staying home alone. I KNOW it is not the best idea but I have to work and this is so near my house, Would not have to take the bus, Still trying to fugure out if there is anyone who can come over and hang here with him,,,,It would be perfect . It is a liquor store on one side but a nice little grocery on the other
I feel wiped out from this last week...I am GLAD I have my new roomie, You know just having someone else around keeps me from falling into depression..plus it helps me keep the house clean..I just don't do well alone in my own head. ANd it is not a romantic thing which makes it all the better! I already know how romantic works in this house!!
Misti you are probably the best mom I have ever know. I mean the genuine love you show your kids in taking cae of them. I never hear RESENTMENT..I used to feel alot of that towards Chance..Totally selfish and self centered but I am just being honest. That feeling has changed alot in recovery when I could see how it was just me trying to avoid RESPONSIBILITY as usual.
Well i am going to go make a new thread to tell everyone about the biggest miracle yet!!!
Love you misti girl..I am always here reading. I know I don't give you much attention sometimes, I really suck like that,,there is my self centered ness again!!
love north

[ccgirl]

Misti, I was catching up here and I kind of laughed to myself because if I had as many choice as you seem to have right now, my head would explode! I have a hard time picking out what I'm going to wear for the day! LOL

Have a great day. I'm off to the great state of Rhode Island for some forced family fun. (Actually a great aunt's 90th birthday - it's just that my blech mother-in-law will be there)

Have a great day, all!

[I'mready99]

Morning Misti and everybody...

Gonna go up and watch Rinnie while her Mommy and Daddy pack for their move. This time next week they will be living across the road...

Its been a long time coming...

Have a GREAT Sunday all.

Steve

[mikiglen]

have fun both of you
i am really having trouble with jake...he is back to never sleeping. he takes maybe three 20-30 minute naps during the day...then goes down about ninepm, is up an hour later (doesn't wake up, just cries, but he will sit up and not stop crying unless i get him)...i get him up and finish his bottle...then we go through the same thing about every hour and a half all nite long. he did this before and i broke him by using a pacifier, but all of a sudden, he won't take it anymore. the worst part is....i finally got all the kids in their own beds, BUT HIM. i felt bad about leaving him on the bottom of this pack n play when he was sick...it's close to the floor and not real comfortable...so now he won't sleep anywhere but with me. that means i never really sleep, always afraid he is going to fall off the bed, plus he rolls around crying a lot like he can't get comfortable or something.
with all this work starting tomorrow (i hope)...i need some real sleep

[TexasDumb]

Misti,

You can get these little railing-like things to hook to your bed so your baby can't fall off.
They are inexpensive, we used one.

My youngest daughter NEVER would take a pacifier from Day 1!


How are things in Misti Land this morning????

[northbelle]

Poor Jaker..maybe him is just having some growing pains and is restless irritable and discontent!!
So you did npt post about what is going on with Glen? Why you are on freeze? I finally figured out WHO he was..tell me more about him. What is his story? Trouble with the law?? Is he the kids dad?? What is his DOC? What is he like?? I re-read your posts to try to figure it out but could not find the info. I asked you about it before but you must of been busy..
So tommorow is the job day!!!! So very cool, I HAVE to get back out there and get a job . Knowing taht I will be working to get a car LEGALLY just really is motivating for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
If Glen is dangerous you can always come hide at mu house!!! He would never think to look HERE!!! LOL
I am bound and determined to get you up here. That way I can STOP taking in homeless fols!! LOL,....My current roomie is working out great. Chance really loves him and his girlfriend..Kris is only 28 so it is like having a uncle and they hang out together all the time...nice to have someone else to cook for besides just Chance..
love ya misti..write back kay??
love nor

[mikiglen]

you know, i am so ******* tired of battling this
i want pills NOW to make me feel better. it's another day that is so rough, no sleep, baby will only be held, kids wild, house a wreck...i don't know how i am going to work tomorrow
i can't do it
what makes it so much worse is going with my mom to pick up 60 vicodin, 120 oxycontin, a month's worth of fentanyl patches and boxes and boxes of fent suckers.
knowing that if she would just give me something, i would be better.
but she won't. not because she loves me, but because she doesn't want to share. she'll see how it feels one day
right now, ok, this is wrong, so get on me, but i hate her

[northbelle]

Sorry misti...I read another thread and thought this morning you were hiding in the bedroom with the kids..!! Old news..
I don't understand why...when you say ,,it is going to make it so much worse going with my mom...you GO with her to begin with to the pharmacy. That is really setting yourself up. I mean sure you can probably tough it out and she won't "share" but why set yourself up to feel miserable?? I just feel sure she can get her medication without any help from you escorting her. I would not escort anyone to go score their dope..even my mom.
We have to make positive choices for our recovery..doing the same thing over and over ..expecting different results is insanity. Try stepping out of the pattern wiht her..
Do somthing to strenthen your recovery..not push it to the edge..
You are such a strong person. Put your energy into someone else besides your mom who cares about you and your sobriety..
love north

[mikiglen]

i didn't go with her, i just know when she gets them and when she goes to the doctor
it really doesnt' matter

[I'mready99]

We're finally back up...

(((Misti)))

I hope your having a peaceful day...

Stay strong.

Steve

[mikiglen]

finally
what a time to go down
i think i am rapid cycling bipolar...i went through another episode last nite and ended up talking to suicide hotlines.
it's not so much as a desire to hurt myself as a wish to just not wake up
no formula, no cigarettes, i'm just at rock bottom again and dammit, it's not fair!

[Smyle]

I have no food in my fridge either...or money to get any...

had to walk a baked potato and some chicken nuggets to my daughter for lunch...

supposed to be paid today...and really hope I am...for babysitting...some pay daily..some owe me a bit....but I try to be understanding..till my family is starving that is....anyway..I hear ya about the struggles...

hang in there...
~B

[Smyle]

I do have some catfish...but it is a whole one...eyes and all ....I will make it work....LOL

[kj0975]

Hey you never know it might be the best dinner you ever had!!! It sucks but we do what we gotta do!

[ccgirl]

Misti, I know this is probably very nosy of me, but what's wrong with your mom that she takes so many meds? I don't know if I could stand up taking all those!!!


P.S. I totally relate to the baby thing. My oldest was one of those that only wanted to be held, wouldn't take a pacifier. I used to breast feed her like every half hour just to shut her up!

I know this is hard to do; it is for me too, but don't worry about the house. The mess will still be there later when you feel more ablt to deal with it. Take care of yourself first.

[mikiglen]

oh yeah, the big joke when jake was a baby was that my boob was not a pacifier. all my others, tho, sucked their thumbs....he still doesn't. he's also the only leftie.
real quick, to answer north's questions earlier....glen is my kids dad. he has a crack addiction, we have a history of DV> he is the one who stole my car and ruined it, when sentenced, he accepted a plea of treatment, which is where he is now. my PTSD stems from something that happened years ago....but....one nite (i only had my girls at the time)...wait, let me say that he was gone my entire pregnancy with miki cause he went to florida to avoid being picked up on a probation violation. well, when i had her, he came back and i let him stay with me (said he had been clean, duh)...anyway, when she was about two months old, AFTER he had returned all their presents from christmas, i kicked him out. one nite many weeks later, i was checking on the girls in the middle of the nite. they had one of those skinny closets that take up the whole length of the wall. well, the door was cracked and i'm freaky about that, so i went to shut it. i noticed the entire floor of the closet was covered in clothes and toys and stuff, so i kicked it around. i ended up kicking a shoe with a foot in it. silly as that sounds, i think it scarred me, really. so, i called the police, and of course they couldn't do anything. i began to panic regularly after dark at that point. about two months later, i had had enough. he called all the time wanting to come "home", so finally i told him ok. the next morning, when i got to work, i called the police and told them where to find him. he was arrested and put into prison. MONTHS later, he admitted that he had been coming in and out of the girls bedroom window even AFTER i caught him....living in my house while i was at work and sleeping in the closet at nite. i had not even checked their window, MONTHS later it was still unlocked. csince he admitted that to me, i have regular panic attacks that he is in my house and i can't find him. i have them no matter where he is....i used to walk around the house yelling at him to get out, only to find he was in jail. it's why when i panic, i have to get into bed, which is where i can see or hear any door he could get into. i check my closets, under the beds, etc, every nite.
anyway, that was long, but explains a couple of things. there are some other things i want to get out, so i'll post more when i get the five kids fed

[mikiglen]

oh, and he also thought it was very funny that while the cops were standing in my living room that nite, he could see them when he CRAWLED RIGHT BACK IN THROUGH THE WINDOW WHILE THEY WERE THERE
and before he started using? he was the love of my life. i couldn't get enough of him...i loved him like only one other person. he was always distant, i don't understand why i loved him like i did. i used to wish i had never met him....til i realize i wouldn't have my kids if he hadn't.
sorry that was so long
remind me to answer cc's question, mention the bipolar, ask north about the job, and mention how mine went

[ayla zaire]

hey, sweets.........how are you doing overall? feeling any better?

hugs
ayla

[mikiglen]

how am i feeling? absolutely insane. i have always been diagnosed with depression (like most addicts), was diagnosed as borderline personality in 97 and put on some heavy duty meds (can you say mellaril? thorazine???), then back to depression a few years later. prozac did well for awhile. when i was pregnant with jon, i was diagnosed for the first time as bipolar. i was unable to nurse him when i delivered, as i was immediately put on depakote. probably the best i've ever felt. of course, quit taking it after a few months, and have never consistently taken anything since. prozac every rehab, but couldn't stay on it, did well. tried cymbalta, didn't stay on it. symbiax, same thing. i was always kind of unsure of the bipolar dx, until about a year ago, when i could see myself cycle about once a month. the last about three months, i have seen myself (as i'm sure everyone who has followed this thread has)cycle even more rapidly. lately, every few days. mania is happiness for me, being able to stay awake, function, much like the drugs. depression is overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, inability to see a way out. i have hit the depression twice in the last week, and been somewhat suicidal. after a good friend requested it, i did price my depakote....94.00 for one month's supply. as soon as i save up some money, i am going to get some, i just hope i can stay on it. as tiredness is not a side effect, i should have no problem taking it. it's rough...two days a week being like this. today, i threw something across the room and shattered a glass picture frame, a big one. then, of course, got that much madder having to clean it up.
anyway, as of about four pm, i am back to "normal", whatever that is. just dreading about friday.
more later....

[Boricua1]

Mikiglen, I am just reading some of your posts... I am glad to read that you reached out to a suicide hotline... that was indeed a very brave moment in my eyes.

Hope you have a great nite... I am off to my moms to help her through the night while she goes through day 5/6 of trying CT from morphine pills.

[mikiglen]

beezy, i am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. see, to me, you seem like supermom. i know you have pain, but you seem so together all the time, like someone whose life i envy in a sense. there are so many of you who don't post about your struggles, and it's hard for me to imagine...ayla, you are one as well. i so wished i had your number this morning, i needed you...how are you doing?
now, let's see.....north, how is the job?
out of my four, this is what happened to me today.
job number one, ten hours a week doing insurance leads....i never heard back from the guy, so down to three jobs
job number two, the one i really wanted...damn, i don't think i'll be able to do it. they sent me a project about 2pm...i have to complete four hours, 12 appointments by the end of the week. easy right? til i see that i am trying to find business owners that want someone to come out to "price" their business in order to put it on the market. that one, i didn't even attempt today. i just don't see how i am gonna find three people an hour that just happen to be wanting to sell their business. damn, that hurts, i really wanted that one. i'll give it a go for a bit tomorrow afternoon.
job three, easy one. call business owners and set appointments (in georgia, reaaaaaaaally easy) for someone to come out and talk to them about marketing their business. they do what they call an upscale valpak (y'all know what that is, right?) for mom and pop businesses. it's 15.00 per appt and should be really easy. the problem is job four, so i was unable to even attempt that one today, and ended up dodging the guy all day. i will probably lose that one.
job four. the "no pressure" telemarketing. well, it's easy in a sense. i just call businesses up and set appts for reps to go out and talk about group health insurance. i've been doing that for years, piece of cake. 30.00 per appt. this one should be my big moneymaker, as long as it is legit. BUT, i did a total of .6 hours on the phone today. boys were horrible, i was freaky, and they have a horrid database. i have to call while at the computer, as they monitor every call i make. and i don't know if anyone has ever been a telemarketer, but you have your favorite businesses to set appts with. like for me, with insurance, it's contractors and manufacturers. they're good ole boys and almost always say yes. UNFORTUNATELY, for this job, you have to call every single lead in order, and can't skip any. even if the guy's name is tam tuan (i'm not racist, but what's the chance that he is going to understand what i am saying....i'm just talking from experience), at a NAIL SALON (very, very few salons, etc have group benefits as they are mainly all 1099 employees), i still have to call them. that means i can't "cherry pick", so don't get as many leads. plus, my trainer "talks" to me through im, and was constantly popping up. "are you working" "do you know you've only made 30 calls", etc. soooooooooooo, i lied to him, too, and told him the boys were home cause by the time he called me (an hour late), finished training me (an hour later), it was too late for me to take them to day care. i tried to explain to him that i am not paid hourly, so as long as i got my one lead per day (the minimum quota, but of course i want more), then it should be ok. he backed off after i promised to start fresh in the morning.
i am worried because of the boys. there are really two scenarios when both boys are home. scenario one is jon is being loud and playing right here with me (he is afraid to play in a room by himself), and jake is trying to pull the phone down, or two is jon and jake playing together, which usually means jake is crying LOUDLY at some point and jon is screaming. the only time i really get good is when jake is asleep and i can either put jon in front of a good tv show, or let him play on nintendo. the best time is jake on the couch next to me, and jon on the computer, but i can't do this with this job cause i am on the computer constantly.
my plan for tomorrow is 8-11, call job four. 11-1 or so, job 3, then back to job four, and throw in job 2 at some point. job two is steady, but it seems too hard. job 3 is easy, but doesn't pay that well. job four is a combo of both, but i am not 100% sure they pay.
i guess if i had to pick one to stay with , it would be job four and cross my fingers. i have also bid on two additional jobs, but haven't heard anything yet. there's always something if these don't work out
i really need help with the boys during the day, that is going to be my downfall, working and being on the phone simultaneously.
just say a prayer, i knock out two insurance leads quickly and can get some work done on the other two