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02-28-2007, 01:20 PM
| #376 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 17
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Oh, I'm so glad to hear she's alright. I was worried sick this morning - wishing I had misti's phone number........... glad you came online and posted. If you come back on, please tell her we're all here for her, tell her to PM me if she would like, anytime. |
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02-28-2007, 04:20 PM
| #377 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Newfie-Land, Mo
Posts: 1,623
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misti... seems like you are not in a great place right now.. you have always had TONS of support here...seems foolish/dramatic to leave that behind...but that is up to you.... we will always be here for you.... ~B |
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02-28-2007, 05:19 PM
| #380 (permalink) |
| Rinnie's Grandpa  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
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(((Misti))) You have been such a big help and support for many of us here... I hope that we can return the love to you... Stay strong for your kids and yourself. Steve 
__________________ Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean. Christopher Reeve 1952-2004 |
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02-28-2007, 07:22 PM
| #381 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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see, and i think it would be foolish and dramatic to come on here and post about how i almost killed myself last nite/really wanted to....after what happened to greeneyes my petty bs has no place here right now, i don't want to come on here and moan and groan you know, when you feel like noone loves you, and when you feel like the world would be a better place without you, "tough love" and harsh words just make those feelings more real thanks to all of you who have shown me kindness and concern. i needed to know someone cared i'm sure i'll be back when i'm in a better place
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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02-28-2007, 07:31 PM
| #382 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: May 2006 Location: NY
Posts: 2,860
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Of course people care for you misty if we didnt none of us would be here daily checking on you and everyone else. We need you here. I know my words are harsh but when I think of someone taking the easy way out it upsets me. THe person is gone yet it leaves people who are alive feeling guilty the rest of their lives that they didnt do something for you and your kids will live the rest of their lives thinking it was there faults. You know I care for you I really do. I am always here for you whenever you need me. Find a positive and focus on it. There has to be at least 4 positives I can think of.. Misty pull yourself out of this funk and u know thigns always get better.
__________________ When you grow towards the light the shadows fall behind you- unknown |
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02-28-2007, 08:21 PM
| #383 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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ok, because of requests, and mentions of me being vague, i will post what has been going on with me, even though i feel wrongly about doing so. as you all know, i have been "flirting" with using now for about a week, just not taking any action. in addition, boss has totally refused to compensate me for the work i did for him, will not return e mails or phone calls, and the irs has put my refund on hold. a few days ago, i began really stressing about getting a job. i was literally doing nothing but submitting apps, taking tests, searching craigslist and various boards looking for a job. in addition to this, i am still sick, and jake has taken very ill as well. while trying to jobhunt, the baby has been crying all the time. i got hired at a job and had five days to do my training in. the training requires java, which i was totally unable to install. it's the best opportunity i have found so far, and i really wanted the job. i have spent many, many hours trying to figure out how to install it, and gotten very frustrated. sunday, my mom said that if i would drive her car to the pharmacy, she would give me half (120cc)of her hydrocodone cough syrup. i accepted, but when i tried to call her back, she wouldn't answer. finally, she did, and told me she hadn't refilled it yet, it would be monday. i don't know about anyone else, but when i start thinking i am going to get something, i go out full force addiction...the stomach clenching, the nervous/excitedness, etc. the more she kept putting me off, the madder and more frustrated i was getting. it seemed like another of those "thanks for being there for me mom" times. i got angry at myself because this is so frequent that she says she will do something, then never does....yet i still keep falling for it like an idiot. do you know that IF we get anything for like christmas from her, it is always coupons good for one this or one that (ex. this coupon is good for 100.00, or good for a rocking chair....)and we never get the gift. anyway, by yesterday afternoon, i was close to exploding. its' kinda like going to the dopeman and getting ripped off, or going to the er, then getting offered motrin. i get angry, and feel so helpless, but also so mad at myself for being an addict. i finally blew up. i screamed, i ranted and raved, i threw a tupperware bowl full of chili at jonathan, i broke the toilet cover, the vcr, and the highchair. then i hated myself even more. i didn't feel like i deserved to be a mother, that i am ruining my kids lives, and they would be better off without a crazy addict mom. i didn't know what to do, i didn't see any way out. maybe it would be better for me to admit defeat and just go into a shelter. but then i would lose everything i had worked so hard for the last four years after getting out of one. the kids would lose their toys, we'd lose our furniture, start over from scratch again. i don't want to give up. but i didn't see how i could keep fighting with no income. when your kid's got enough formula for maybe another day, and about five diapers, and not only do you have no money, you have no money coming in (thanks boss)....what do you do? how can you take care of four kids with no money? so, with the financial stress, the tease with the cough meds, the ex situation, the baby sick, the java problem.....i just wanted to give up. i looked in my cabinet to see if i had enough of any kind of pill to get out of this. i thought, well, it won't be expensive.....don't have to have a funeral, don't have any friends, noone would show up. the only reason i did not do anything was knowing that my kids would be alone in the house for me with days...maybe even a week before anyone noticed i was missing. i didn't want them to suffer like that. i was too overwhelmed to post all that last nite....then how could i come on here and post all that today after greeneyes? how selfish is suicide when you look at what happened to her? i was ashamed of myself and didn't want to post. i couldn't come on here and pretend to be all happy like nothing was wrong, yet i couldn't come on here and be truthful either. so, i just didn't post. then i am foolish and dramatic and uncaring and other bad things. so then i feel even worse. but, so noone will think those things of me anymore....yeah right....i am posting what is going on with me. there , ihave done it. maybe things will be different tomorrow sweet dreams
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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02-28-2007, 08:29 PM
| #384 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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oh, and btw, when i posted that yesterday i was being dramatic. i was not at a point where i could come on here and say, "hey, i feel like noone cares about me, will someone please tell me they love me". i wasn't being rational number one, and number two, i would just get told "we wouldn't be here if we didn't care". sometimes it doesn't matter what i read, i need to know that someone somewhere really does love me, and really does care about me, other than my kids is there really noone else that ever feels this way? am i really the only one? i don't understand why noone understands this and i am crying and not making sense now, so i am going to go to bed, there are so many of you (you know who you are)..i can't imagine my life without you, i love you so much hugs to you
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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02-28-2007, 09:22 PM
| #385 (permalink) |
| Dopeless Hope Fiend  Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,503
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Well you are right ..we DO love you here. My offer stands for the ALaska gig. It would be a fresh start and you would not have to pay rent!! I totally understand not wanting to loose everything though. Starting over gets real old . But just be comforted by knowing me and Chance are here for you guys. He asks about you every day!!!Thats cause he knows you are a great little mama!! glad you wrote back tonight, I totally can relate misti...no advice ..just love north |
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03-01-2007, 05:16 AM
| #386 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Harwich, MA
Posts: 2,749
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Misti, can I just say that on April 4th of last year, I DID try to kill myself. I felt I had no one to talk to and I took a bottle of klonopin. I ended up in psych hospital for a while. But you know what, I slowly crawled up out of that dark place, dusted myself off, and realized if it had worked, I never would have seen a sunrise again, or sat by the ocean again, or more importantly, I never would have seen my girls smile again. So, talk. What is going on with you is no less important than what happened with poor Green Eyes. She's gone, but you're still here. You deserve to be here; you deserve anything you want. So, please talk to us before desperation takes you to the place I almost went.
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03-01-2007, 08:03 AM
| #388 (permalink) |
| Rinnie's Grandpa Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
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(((Misti))) I too care about you as do so many people here... I wish you would just think about North's offer... It would be a new beginning for you and the kids... Stay strong. Steve
__________________ Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean. Christopher Reeve 1952-2004 |
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03-01-2007, 09:45 AM
| #389 (permalink) |
| Goin'....Goin'....Gone! Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: planet earth ( I think...)
Posts: 342
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what was misti saying about ...greeneyes....did I miss alot while I was working 14hrs a day for that month I was gone..thought i caught up on all the past posts I had missed cuz I was too tired to log on. thankx |
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03-01-2007, 09:47 AM
| #390 (permalink) |
| Om, Aum, Ohm...  |
Misti, I wish I could tell you that if you just hang in there, all of your money problems and addiction problems will just disappear. I can't tell you that. I'm four and a half years clean, trying my best to do the next right thing all the time, and life still happens. The only thing I can really offer you is hope. I have been right where you are: kids to care for, no money coming in, not knowing how we were going to eat the next day or the next week. **** is still happening in the here and now, but I got through that really scary period. How? By not using. Sometimes, that was the only thing that I could seem to do right. Don't use and keep breathing in and out -- and things will change, though it takes some effort. You and I have talked about meetings. I know the reasons you don't go. I know the circumstances you feel need to be met for you to start. You may not find someone who can help you solve your money problems in the meetings, but you will find others who've been in your shoes, and you can use what they offer you (experience! hope! strength!) to keep you focused. I do love you, Misti, and I do value your life -- as a mother, yes, and as a human being as well -- and I would like to tell you that things will be okay. They can, but you're going to have to be strong. I just don't think that any of us, people like us, have as good a chance trying to do it alone. Please consider finding other face-to-face human beings who understand. They're out there. And I'm praying for you. Peace & Love, Sugah
__________________  There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for awhile ~WZ ANS 01/29/86 - 08/04/08 |
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03-01-2007, 09:50 AM
| #391 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 17
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oh misti - I am here for you and so many others are too. I'm doing to try to send you a PM, hope your mailbox isn't full..( well I hope it's full of good messages but hope I can get one in too! ) Love, Batty |
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03-01-2007, 10:12 AM
| #392 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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love you guys, too, thanks i will post later, baby is sick and crying, and i had a crisis with my oldest this morning TD, your inbox is full
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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03-01-2007, 10:41 AM
| #393 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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i have accepted two jobs to start next week i have one interview today i have one more offer...need to call the guy back. great news, except now boss has not paid the phone bill. i have about a week, maybe two before it gets cut off, and no funds to get a new phone. so, i work a week, then can't work anymore it's just a friggin cycle i can't seem to get out of
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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03-01-2007, 10:47 AM
| #394 (permalink) |
| Dopeless Hope Fiend Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,503
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LOL...My phone IS cut off, but the weird part is..my internet is still on?? Weird cause it goes off of the phone line. So I take it you don't want to come to alaska?? LOL. At least say something to me about it!! Like "I can't stand the freakin ice and snow"!! I am still vomiting..so much fun,,, love north |
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03-01-2007, 12:26 PM
| #395 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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i would love alaska, but can't move there phone has thirty days left, so i can work. i hope the two projects next week are legit, we'll see. baby is so sick, i can't do anything today...he is only quiet when he is laying on my chest. i am obsessing over the irs thing. i still don't know why they are holding my refund, i only put the wrong amount for taxes in THEIR favor......i didn't do anything wrong, but now am scared. anybody ever had this happen?
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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03-01-2007, 02:18 PM
| #398 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Indiana
Posts: 693
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Misti, have they given you no explanation as to why there is a hold on the refund? I know last year my husband made a mistake on ours, but they just sent us a letter explaining the error and that our refund would be reduced. The check came the next day. Maybe try calling them again and talking to a different person that hopefully can shed some light on it for you.
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03-01-2007, 03:09 PM
| #399 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: here, there, everywhere
Posts: 2,118
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they said i should get a letter in a few weeks....i am just paranoid i guess ok, this is what i have going on.... monday i start work 1. for a guy who doesn't care how many hours i work as long as i get x number of leads...may take one hour, may take three....don't know this company very well... 2. for a guy setting appointments at 30 per appt in insurance, which is my niche. he wants about 20 hours per week, which would amount to quite a bit of money for me, as i set a lot of appointments AND NOW, i just got hired by another one different projects all the time, inbound and outbound....12.00 per hour. work is in four hour blocks 15-35 hours per week. no leads equals termination. i will either be with this company a long time, or let go immediately. this is a legit, good company and i know a lot of people who work for them. lastly, i have been asked to work for a fourth company for ten hours per week also doing insurance work. i am hoping i have not accepted more jobs than i can handle with both boys being at home now
__________________ Now and again we try To just stay alive Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late It's never too late |
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