1 step forward, about 5 back

[alley703]

so all week i kept reminding myself that friday night i was not going out. my bf got his $500 paycheck and we were going to go out to dinner and back his mom's to watch a movie. well, we went out to dinner (we couldnt ever even get that far 3 weeks ago) but then we decided to get a 12pack and $30 worth of coke. i was gona come back to my parents house by 12. well 12 rolls around and were sitting in my car all coked up, with plenty more left. to get to the point, i didnt come home until 1am saturday night. i realize that once i start, there is no stopping. not until i know that theres not one single thing left i can do to get high.

im disgusted with myself. i can tell my family is disgusted with me too. and ihate how i feel. i hate the way they look at me in this house. like im a total failure and disapointment. not that i dont deserve it.

addiction is such a puzzling matter. i know that if i start, ill be up for atleast 2 days, ending with no money, gas or cigarrettes for the rest of the week. i really truely know that. but i do it anyway trying to fool myself into thinking that i can stop. that this time will be different.

i HATE being stuck in t his. i hate it soo f'n much. im gona try n go to some meetings this week.. maybe my bf and i will go to a meeting friday night. probably not.. we'll say all week that we are, but once we have money.. its just all down hill. its like i need someone to physically pick me up and sit me in one of the chairs to get me to go. but thats not how it should be. i should just go. just go damnit. whats so f'n hard about it. get in your car, drive and GO. but no, i jus blow it off- like everything else important in my life

im depressed

[Ten Chips Down]

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/1193275-post4.html

There is nothing to stop the madness because life only responds to action. Plus, you are hanging with a user himself. As a result, your posts still come up full of "we's". We did this. We did that. That is just no good, it's a recipe for staying stuck. You can only help you.

Ten

[northbelle]

I think I remember you posting before here right??
Well I have to say this now..recovery is something you have to do ALONE. It is a journey we do by ourselves. We can ask other people to do it wiht us..we can cheer them on..but ultimately we walk alone.
EVERY time I have tried to get clean "with" a SO we end up getting loaded TOGETHER. That is PART of my addiction..to the sick relationship. I am great at finding enablers. People to cosign my BULL####.
You are not a BAD person trying to get GOOD..
you are a SICK person trying to get well.
I understand the despair you are feeling..we ask ourselves WHY WHY WHY?? Do we keep doing it>>
Why can't we stop.
A question with no easy answer..until we can accept ourselves and this disease that is out to end our lives.
It GAURANTEES a life wasted and a whole lot of pain..End the suffering..go to a meeting girl!!! I wish I was there to go with you!!
You are a good person and DESERVE better than you are giving yourself !!! Let other people in recovery help you.
You are stuck in a vicious cycle that will chew you up and spit you out every time...There IS a way out..and you will start on the greatest journey you have ever been on...you are strong enough to do it..
let go of all the stuff you are trying so hardt o control...you don't have to try so hard or be in so much pain,,I promise..
love north