Sunday morning confessional . . .

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Last year I quit an 8 year HC habit and was sober for about 10-1/2 months, until I took some HC for a chronic headache. I discovered that it also helped some stomach problems I was having so I took the remainder of the scrip - one pill a day until it was out. Then I substituted Ultram 50 or 100 mg / day.

I took the Ultram because I was scared of the HC W/Ds, which were simply awful for me. I tapered off the Ultram and experienced minimal WDs.

Maybe it was guilt . . . or a combination . . . but I was miserable while on the meds. I felt that I was a phony and that I was cheating myself by taking the meds . . . even a relatively small dose.

I guess I really have come to like the clarity of sobriety, and that is more important, at this point, then the suffering from G.I. problems.

So I'm back on the wagon. 5 days now. No physical WD symptoms for the most part but BOY am I emotional. I tear up at the drop of the hat. Have a great longing for some "meaningful" dialogue. Like I've been on a vacation from my mind & emotions.

One thing that troubles me is I thought I had it "beat." Oh well. What seems clear to me now is that I have a well of unresolved issues that I need to work out, that I have tried hard to avoid with the meds.

So back on the trail. One day at a time.

Thanks, folks. Just needed to get that off of my chest.

Buzz

[northbelle]

I am glad you are "back"! It seems whenever I have that crazy notion I "have this beat" I am headed for a fall. Addiction is cunning ,baffling and power...and also very patient.
It must be really hard when you have a medical problem like you do. I have a friend who really struggles with horrible GI problems and she keeps going back to the only thing she knows to get relief.
I know what you mean about the well of unresolved issues...I am working on that stuff too. What will you do to resolve them ?
I am glad that you are here posting again Buzz...man I really missed you here. When you said you were leaving I was really bummed.
Wish I could give ou more meaningful dialogue this morning but I can barely spell before I have my coffee..
love northbelle

[Alera]

Welcome back Buzz. Sounds like you need that checked out by a doctor.

Do you have a plan on how to start working on those unresolved issues?

[consilience]

My last relapse was a dentist who prescribed me HC. I now wish I had just lived through the pain or taken a Tylenol.

I always feel like crying when I kick opiates. I usually write in my journal or watch happy movies, it really helps! Just pop in your favorite movie and get a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Take care. On the plus side, I now have a collection of really lame poetry I wrote.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Originally Posted by northbelle

I am glad you are "back"! It seems whenever I have that crazy notion I "have this beat" I am headed for a fall. Addiction is cunning ,baffling and power...and also very patient.

Thanks, North, for this wisdom.

It must be really hard when you have a medical problem like you do. I have a friend who really struggles with horrible GI problems and she keeps going back to the only thing she knows to get relief.

And what gives her relief?

I know what you mean about the well of unresolved issues...I am working on that stuff too. What will you do to resolve them ?

Meditate more. Perhaps get involved with some group activities, too. I also plan to call a particular "sensitive" who is reknown for pointing out the obstacles to growth. A good neighbor / friend who experienced the process recommended it. What would you suggest?

I am glad that you are here posting again Buzz...man I really missed you here. When you said you were leaving I was really bummed.
Wish I could give ou more meaningful dialogue this morning but I can barely spell before I have my coffee..
love northbelle

North,

Thanks for being such a sweetie! I feel a brotherly kinship in our mutual struggles. And I am so pleased and proud that you are working so hard to make things work for you!

XOXOXO

Buzz

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Originally Posted by Alera

Welcome back Buzz. Sounds like you need that checked out by a doctor.

Do you have a plan on how to start working on those unresolved issues?

Alera,

Thanks for the concern. I did get it checked out by a doctor. A perfectly horrible lady who did "age 50" exam for me. My take-away (prognosis, advice, etc.) was essentially nil from our meetings. I fired her and let her know. Then I jumped on my friend, an MD, who referred her to me . . . ;-)

I wish I could afford counseling / therapy. Can't see my way through that now. I have a couple of psych friends (one an MD, the other PhD) who see me as pretty high functioning but aren't blind to my neuroses.

Note my reply to North. Other than those things, I don't know how to bootstrap personal growth.

Suggestions would be most welcome!

Peace out,

Buzz

[StagebearNJ]

Originally Posted by Buzz Kilowatt

So back on the trail.

And that is, in my mind, exactly what it is, a trail. I have stated elsewhere, I dislike the word relapse for a variety of reasons. I do not choose to make it easier on myself by mitigating what I have done, but I, euqally, do not choose to make it harder on myself by second-guessing and "demoting" myself.
All the best,
Da Stagebear

[Alera]

Buzz, you know I work SMART. Perhaps its because it is based on a type of therapy but I did start to find those issues that needed to be resolved when I was working it. My college has therapy at a reduced rate, as does the local University. We also have a charity in town that is actually quite good in terms of their counselors. They are sliding scale.

You may want to call around and see what is available.

[BeginAgain]

Buzz I too am very glad to see you back around. I think those emotions you are talking about are pretty common during opiate withdrawal and the first few weeks afterward. Even in absence of physical symptoms our brain needs time to heal and learn to regulate itself again.

I am not sure what to suggest about personal growth. Alera recommended SMART to me when I first came around here. I did really like some of the exercises and some of it made for interesting reading and reflection. I participate in NA and occasionally in Celebrate Recovery. I am of the "take what you can use and leave the rest" mindset so I try out lots of different things. For me the most personal insight and growth generally comes when I am alone....reflecting....reading....writing and thinking about those things I have picked up in recovery literature or in therapy.

Also wanted to mention that we have affordable sliding scale mental health and substance abuse services available in Georgia. There are certain criteria that have to be met to qualify. You have to be considered "most in need" by diagnostic and income criteria. I can help point you in the right direction and provide more details if you want to check into it. PM me if interested. All I need is the county you live in so that I can determine the correct region and I can send you some general information and contact phone numbers.

Wishing you the very best.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Thanks, Begin, for your thoughtfulness and generosity.

I'm a bit like you regarding the "buffet" approach to therapeutics. I'm a little wary too, I guess.

I doubt I qualify for the freebie programs. My degree of addiction was minimal (but certainly there); my income is about average but with $1,000/month health insurance premiums for the family, etc. there's not much left to spare.

I know (and have been told) I have to write and this will help me to gain insight. Trying to bootstrap a new business leaves precious little time.

Oh for the good old days when leisure time was not such a damn luxury!

Best regards,

Buzz

[windysan]

Hey Buzz,

Sorry I missed this thread earlier. Glad to hear you are back on track. I've considered taking an opiate when I had a splitting headache and I'm glad I didn't. Just stay away from it and remember to only take aspirin for those headaches. Wish I could help you with the GI problems.

[Smyle]

welcome back Buzz...been wondering how you are doing.

Keep walking on that trail....

[Done-With-It]

(((Buzz)))

How's the headache? Do you know what was causing it?


I'm still right beside ya big bro.

DWI

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Originally Posted by Done-With-It

(((Buzz)))

How's the headache? Do you know what was causing it?


I'm still right beside ya big bro.

DWI

Thanks, DWI. More important, how are you feeling, with the virus and all?

I remember having mono as a kid and it totally incapacitated me, and was depressing, too. Hope you're doing much better. You deserve good things.

The etiology of the headaches? Well, stress and tension. Working too hard and playing too little. Meditating and exercising not enough. Bad Buzz!

XOXOXO


Buzz

[angelgirl]

Hi Buzz,,

Just wanted to say that I am glad that you are back too.. We all know how quickly those darn little pills can grab ahold of us, and trap us again.
You knew where to come.

Are you having more trouble with your GI problems, or the headache troubles? My husband is on a med that I believe is an anti-depressant, or something like that, but it's not because he's depressed, the medication is used for both migraines, and for depression.

But then there is a trip to the doctor, if that's what you are needing.??

My prayers will be with you Buzz,,
Lots o love,
Becky

[mackie]

Buzz.........

how are you doing today??

Just wanted you to know, I have been thinking about you..........since reading your confessional, and just hope all is going well!

You are an inspiration to me, as well as many others!

[woops]

Hello Buzz

Just read this thread.

Isn't easy is it? No simple long term solutions - I don't think. I have an ongoing problem with pain which I cant easily solve either. Bummer.
But I think that for me - I have to get my "head" straight. You talk of meditation? I am not sure of what you speak........ I have found that being away on "retreat" has helped enormously........ I suppose to deal with the whole problem of pain by positive mental attitude.........trying to deal with the "whole" situation and not just the all too obvious symptoms.
You must have a double aspect problem here - the real physical pain from the inflammation of the gut + the stress/tension/lack of exercise or whatever (balance is a good word?) which produces the painful situation.

So - I am interested to hear how you approach all this....................

Take care - sorry to hear you are suffering........ but there must be answers?

Woops

[northbelle]

This may be a STUPID question..but do you use drugs for emotional pain as well as physical??
My friend has not found much relief for her stomach troubles. I think ativan works really good for her but she is always fighting addiction too
I guess when I read what you write I just hear that it is mmore of a physical pain issue..than pain caused from addiction??
Does that make any sense?? Please know I am just trying to understand more. Because I DON'T have any bad physical pain and I can eat the heck out of some pills when i was using!!! Get what I mean..I hope so.
I want to understand more so I can give better feedback..because I really like ya bro!!!!!That kinship thing ya know??
love north

[ccgirl]

Buzz, I wish I gave advice and inspiration as well as you do. I guess the best thing you can do is put it behind you. You seem like a wonderful person and one slip up doesn't change that.

Just know we're all thinking of you. I think I can safely say, you are a great, caring advice giver and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Macke, Woops, North, CCgirl,

Thank you so much for your care and kindness. It really means a great deal to me. Y'all are so wonderful!

As far as the meds go, it's not that I am in much pain now. I have IBS as well as the beginnings of IBD. What the opiates do is reduce the intestinal motility and spasms, and the number of trips I have to make to the loo, as Woops might say . . .

Those who have IBS know that during a flare-up it can be debilitating and distressing, to say the least. A very small dose - e.g. 5 mg. of HC -- keeps things in check during the day.

I wonder if it all started for me in the 80's, when I was in the Philippines. I got some kind of nasty bug that stayed with me for a month or more. One time in particular I was flying over the jungle from the US Embassy in Manila to Subic Navy Base in a single engine craft with no amenities onboard. And no place to land. The cramps started. There wasn't even a helmet on the craft . . . I didn't think I would make a very good impression on the Marines I was scheduled to address, post-accident! So I prayed. Hard. I made it OK, but I aged 5 years on that hop . . . . I'm sorry . . . too much info!

I had been prescribed the HC for widespread tendonitis & trigger finger that was caused by a reaction to wheat and gluten. It was real pain. But I kept taking the meds even after the wheat connection was figured out and the other symptoms disappeared. I liked the little buzz. I didn't take a lot of it, but I took it every day. I wasn't compelled to binge or up the dose. And North, yes, if I had a bad day the HC seemed to mute things.

After I quit the HC last year, the stomach problems began to manifest. I'm hoping at the end of the day I can find the right dose of Immodium to solve the GI problems.

So I'm working on these things.

Thanks again,

Buzz

[northbelle]

My friend gets the same thing...she has to commute to work and sometimes ends up throwing up all the way home till she can get to a bathroom.!!
She sounds like she has the exact same sypmtoms! They won't give her a diagnosis really..she has no health insurance either though. The opiates are the only thing that work for her and the doctors won't give them to her because of her addiction. It is really a double edged sword.
Sounds like you have alot of interesting adventures...
love north

[Alera]

Buzz, the university programs (as well as the sliding scale place) would still take you at a reasonable price here. The reason is that you can see people who have completed their education but need to fill hours to receive their license.

[Alera]

Buzz's thread will be back after a brief message by Alera...

Originally Posted by BeginAgain

I am not sure what to suggest about personal growth. Alera recommended SMART to me when I first came around here. I did really like some of the exercises and some of it made for interesting reading and reflection. I participate in NA and occasionally in Celebrate Recovery.

Thanks for bringing that up. I know SMART works for me, and feedback on how it went for others really helps me to know if this a program I should let others know about.

Now back to Buzz's thread...