Brand New Here: Need Help Please

[player]

i'm new here on this chat line busness and my wife has been on line for thousands of hrs. i recently returned from treatment, and i've never been the one to share feelings or even have feelings. now that i am clean, i feel that my wife does not WANT to have sex with me anymore.

i need to know, what should i do? i thought about getting some of those movies, just to satisfy my own needs but that's not me. do i try to take care of this myself, it worked for me in the past. today, why should i have to.
what is the purpose of having a wife.

this feeling of rejection is making me sick. i'm miserable.
i can use all the help that i can get.

[Time2Surrender]

Welcome to SobeRecovery. If your talking about porn? I would skip the movies. Not a good idea. I suggest talking with her. Tell her how you feel. And more important find out how she feels. Its not all about you. Dont look at it as rejection. Save your marriage. Find out her feelings. If you just returned from treatment, chances are you may have some amends to make with your wife. Give it time. Most important of all, stay clean/sober. No matter how things work out. Congrats on your recovery. Clean/sober is a much better way to live.

[Arura]

Welcome to SR,.....

Taking her out to dinner would be much better ,...!!!

from a female point of veiw...

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Arura

Welcome to SR,.....

Taking her out to dinner would be much better ,...!!!

from a female point of veiw...

There you go.

[best]

I would get my butt to a meeting and start working the steps and when you start making amends, time will heal her wounds.
Us guys get over things in a day...women need time. Could be as long as months.
I own what I brought on myself. I also own the amends that had things change for me. You need give her time. She is hurting from your past mistakes.
Get to a meeting and find that the steps will guide you to solutions.

[ccgirl]

I would suggest marriage counselling. She could have a lot of lingering anger over the addiction (and possibly other things too) and counselling is a great place to air your grievances with a netral part. Not wanting to have sex is usually a symptom of another problem, not the problem itself. My husband and I have been in marriage counselling 6 months now and it has turned our marriage around.

[LIL_Pebbles]

Ok, i am in a 12 year realtionship, no sex for almost 4 years! this had to do w/ my b/f using greater amounts of percs, oxy cottin...theni came addicted and from there it was crazy...ihave an open realationship and we both talked about if he was staying w/ me cause i am fragile, i told him i do not want him with me and miss out on life, cause i am now in batle of the pill, their is stress, so the last thing is sex.

I would talk to your Wife, take time like dinner and movies, the things that you once did, how she fell inlove with you, make amends to her and all, now that your out, meetings a sponser, what ever it takes to save your life, you are #1, we as addicts, other have to be, if not we risk loosing out we are in forever battle...

Welcome to SR

[player]

thanks for your suggestions. although I say treatment it was outpatient I came home almost daily. i WOULD GET mixed feelings from her as often as i came home one day she would seem willing then the next day who knows where her head was at. after 45 meatings the question I would get would be do you love my responce______ I guess... the only way i know how. (SEX) I thought i owe myself something other than just that AND DRUGS i turned to drugs to ease the feeling of lonelyness there was some infidelity on both our parts she wants to measure how many times that i did i say does it matter. now win i need some i wish that she could see that im human also why hold me to a higher standerd the you do yourself i feel that if we are to stay in this relationship let the s--- go i still have needs and so do you why must i proform when i get diddly from you.since treatment i been serching why have we been together this long was it just sex?

[Ten Chips Down]

She could be wondering that same thing, ya know.

Player, howdy. That's not a very auspicious handle you have there. (Your name "player" does not sound very loving, let alone mature.)

It's just really strange you would select that for a name, and I don't think eveyone has caught the raw irony yet. lol

[gettingbetter]

This is hard for me to write about. I divorced my wife of 16yrs plus 5 years of dating because of lack of sex. I was nice, attentive, kept myself attractive, cooked, cleaned, etc. She was always too wrapped up in her schooling and jobs to realize there was a problem, even though we discussed it. A beautiful woman who was hired at my work had a instant chemical attraction to me and after 6 months of her paying attention to me, I felt finally that I was attractive and there was nothing wrong with me. I didn't have sex with her until after my divorce. As soon as I was divorced, this woman decided she didn't want to be blamed for my breakup, as my coworkers all liked my ex., who was a wonderful person. This screwed me up in my head so bad that at age 38, I started to do drugs to kill the pain of rejection. They didn't work. I was doing hits that would have knocked most people off their feet with no affect whatsoever, thats how strong my pain was. six years and a job, house, 150 grand later, here i am 120 days clean. When using, I didn't have a drive for sex at all. Now that I am sober, the need for intamcy increases. Women tend to forget that men equate sex with love. Thats the main way we show our love. They previous replys concerning building back the intamcy that you destroyed by your addiction is the best advice to solve your problem. It will take time, tough it out, it's part of your punishment for your drug abuse. Don't push so hard, court her like you used too, and follow your program and post here. You'll be back in the saddle before you know it.

[kj0975]

Speaking from a womans perspective here. I know sometimes I am upset about stuff or think about past things and its very hard for me to get in the mood let alone feel intimate. Sometimes I need to be romanced a little. I hate being made to feel like its a duty to put out. Like its a job pretty much. Women need to feel a connection its more about intimancy than just "getting off".

Dont get me wrong I do enjoy sex, but I also like it to be something that I am in the mood for too. If I am pressured or made to feel like I have to do it I wont. I like it when we go out to eat or to the movies or I am made to feel special. Then I want to show how much I love my fiance and how much I enjoy being with him. Its hard to explain I guess something only a woman can understand. Maybe she still has some resentment, maybe she is stuck in the past. All I know is I like it to be something I enjoy and want to do. I want to feel special and that I am the only one who matters. Maybe some flowers, or a letter telling her how much you care for her, maybe telling her how you felt about her the first time you saw her, tell her all the things she does makes her a wonderful wife. WOO her a little bit if you get my drift. We need to feel special and appreciated sometimes too. This is only my perspective. I wish you luck and maybe some counseling would help too.

[player]

I only youse the word player because she contiues to think i am but seriously that couldnt be further from the truth i think that i am average although some people tend to think i very atractive. i never paid that much att. my S.O. has been a trigger to me for many years. I may seem to come off to others as one who has avery high self asteem then again durring my addiction I would hide behind the fact that i would seem to have plenty of money even after spending hundreds of dollars. on drugs and iwould keep up this apperence. Inside all I ever wanted was someone to love me but how? my so would ask others in descise about what i was doing out there I think she would pose questions that would only justify what she wanted to hear. as I see it I wish ihad all the fun she said ihad not true I hated myself because she wasnt all there for me Id say i didnt care what she thougth because no matter what the truth was her truth, was gospel i got so lonlely that i turned to superfistial encouters whitch never got pass 2nd base i would fantissize about ,(So) all along i got sick the only way to cope was to fool I would purousely stay out maybe she would show some concern (not) by then I was a under cover crack head and hear i am today i could do any type of task but feelings were something i vowed i would nevr let any one use again just listen to how that sounds I am as confused as ever I wanted treatment for more than just drugs i could have months of clean time but as soon as i needed her she would reject my advancements i would get this attitude of whats the the use friends and fam would say as long as you give her money shes all right monday though thursday i was worst person on the face of this earth fri. i would get a little sex and after ipaid the bills i was thje monster again. just talking about this ifeel stupid she made me feel so guilty about what i should do for her. i stopp carring about myself all i had asence of feeling was that once every other week role in the hay then the once amonth drug binge why would i let someone have so much control over me i understand the drugs im a addict. was i addicted to that treatment by her I hope and pray thats not the truth. after decades with her im scared that my whole life has been one big lie (as is said before this is my first time seeking help if i sound loony) its because i truely dont know how i feel i just ass. those feelings to the once in awhile sexcapdes with my wife ( the program says that ill recover) im willing to do whatever .

[gettingbetter]

your experience and personality is a mirror of mine, all i ever wanted was a normal relationship with ONE woman, unfortunately I fell for someone too dysfunctional to have that dream. Just because i was out using, i was considered to be fooling around. Most girls i had contact with while using thought i was gay because i didn't try to take advantage of them or spurned their advances. my ex-girlfriend unfortuneaetly had to much "stuff" for childhood to adulthood for her to ever know what a normal relationship should be. I am now wounded for life, my heart still hurts, especially since there are no drugs to drown myself in. thanks for listening to my story. you came to the right place for help, it's a little easier on the "pride" to come out in a forum vs a meeting. But coming to ask for help is like taking a 2 ton weight off your back. drug addiction is a humbling experience and i don't hide the fact of what i am from others. it keeps me grounded. submit to HigherPower that i have no control and is at his mercy.

[kj0975]

After reading this thread I finally realize that women are from mars and men are from venus! Its weird how much different women and mens perspectives are on physical relations. For men it seems that when us women arent in the mood its more of a rejection thing, like we dont find them attractive and dont want to be with them. Which for me isnt the reason why I say no sometimes, its just that I'm tired or just not in the mood. Not that I dont find my fiance attractive or that I dont want to have sex with him.

Then with women it seems its more of a connection thing. If I feel a connection I want to be with that person. If I am in the mood I want to be with the person. If I am made to feel special I want to be with that person. Hell clean the toilet for once and I would LOVE to be with you. Sometimes I think we forget about things or loose perspective. Its hard sometimes with me is that I get mad that he wont do the dishes or sees a mess and steps over it. That will not get you in the "fun" zone tonight. I guess we just see it from 2 different perspectives. Also for us women it seems we never are told no so we dont see the rejection part. I have been with an addict b4 and I guess I did feel rejected that instead of wanting to be with me he chose "other" things. Sorry I'm rambling. I hope this helps some, I'm trying to explain the unexplainable I think.....

[jordoncole]

I dont know but sales training has helped me. when my wife says no, i can meet all her objections and forcast a better night sleep and that she needs to do it for herself, not me. If that doesnt work, i turn off the lights and get the lotion and pretend im Hooleo the massage man. the accent drivers her crazy. of coarse ther is always taking out the trash, making dinner and doing dishes (this is my last resort) ha! Just do not let it go on too long, take everyones advice and do something now before its too late. there is always a deeper problem when wifes do not want sex. talk, talk, talk.. I know it is hard for us guys to do that.. good luck

[player]

thank you for atleast l

[kj0975]

? I dont understand your last post. I really hope you 2 can work things out. Like Jordon says Talk talk talk. Doing dishes and cleaning the house is usually a guarantee that you will be visiting the "playground" that evening. lol

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by kj0975

? I dont understand your last post. I really hope you 2 can work things out. Like Jordon says Talk talk talk. Doing dishes and cleaning the house is usually a guarantee that you will be visiting the "playground" that evening. lol

. I have a sink full of dirty dishes right now. Yall take care, I gotta run.

[player]

thanks again everyone. the night is comming and that same old feeling is about to come again we are getting ready to go to bed I dont want to project what may happen I still need some sex am i being selfish? I think that I shouuld go to that halfway house the v.a. has for the ones who had unstable households I didnt think i was one of them Im not so sure --------I tried telling my wife about my needs all she did was pout as I think about this situation the last time she even kissed me she pulled away i think whats bothering is I feel like a fool for even comming back home. what do we have in common ? only sex - this love thing stinks I sort of liked it better before.. when I was actively using I never even thought of how it was I can see now there was a patern payday was a day that we were ok so i thought--- some one please help me get through this weekend as long as I am away from her I feel that im healing I surely dont want to go back out there i kind of think she wanted me feeling guilty so she could justify her actions boy old boy im opening all kinds of feelings i tried to cook some dinner & cleen the house Surely she would take note of that (nothing) whew i better go for awalk. this is painful if she were to tell me that our marrige was over I believe iwould be happy this holding me on is terring me apart .

[kj0975]

You know if your not happy you can always tell her your marriage is over. I always say life is to short not to be happy. If there ever came a time that I was unhappy in my relationship I would rather walk away and find someone I am more compatable with than spend another day in a relationship that I was unhappy with. You know maybe the halfway house is the way to go. I would hate to see a relapse and this feeling of rejection might lead you right there. Your right maybe at one point in time all you had in common was sex well the plot has changed. If your not happy and your finally in recovery and she cant accept the way you are and have been then I think its time. I know it will hurt. Dont you wonder though if there is anyone out there who will make you happy and will want to be with you in all aspects of be with you? I know its hard but it can be done you might find the happiness that you have been looking for and not with using either. I'm sorry what I suggested didnt help it usually works.

[parentrecovers]

i recall when my daughter was about 30 days into her drug and alcohol rehab inpatient stay- she wanted to come home for a weekend and my husband and i were not ready to let her back in the house after all she had put us through in the past year - we told her no. she didn't like it.

addicts don't like to hear no.

your wife needs time it sounds like, and i bet she deserves it. show some patience. it takes time. we all recover on our own terms and timeline.

blessings, k