Support Needed

[So_Tired]

I am the girlfriend of a substance abuser. I'm trying to keep this short and quick although the story is so long. I'm sure it's the same story you've heard many times before. Here's some behavior I've seen in him over the last year:

-sudden disappearances lasting 1-3 days w/out contact
-he drained my checking account once after stealing my ATM card and pin
-I have "loaned" him many thousands of dollars, including money to pay outstanding bills and child support. Most of the money is unaccounted for.
-he has stood his own children up when he promises to visit then calls later talking about how he needs to make it up to them.
-he suffers mood swings, mostly depressive.
-he lies continuously about little things.
-he constantly insists he's "a grown ass man" and "y'all treat me like a f'n kid"

That's just a few of the ongoings. Recently, after being incarcerated on back child support, I had conversations with his brothers, both of whom have suffered an addiction in the past. The told me he was strung out and they thought I knew. We agreed to leave him in jail for a few days so that he could clean up and get some thinking done. Upon his release I tried to talk with him about what I heard, telling him that the only way I will stay is if he enrolls in a 30 day inpatient program. He has agreed to do so, BUT insists the problem they indicate he has is not true. He says he has done cocaine 3-5 times and that is IT. My gut says don't believe him. His brother says don't believe him and give him NO MONEY. He asks me for "a couple of dollars" everyday and so far I haven't given in, but it strains things tremendously.

Today was the initial processing appt for the program. He indicated he was going in to save our relationship. He came out and indicated they approved him for inpatient and it would be about 10 days for a bed to open. He said that he was honest with the young lady, but they had to "make up a little" to make sure he got inpatient. He still will not admit a problem to me. I'm thinking the intake specialist would not MAKE UP anything to get him in.

We are not on speaking terms right now because I refused to leave money with him on my way to work and he even asked me to wire him money. He insists he just wants "something in his pocket," because it's embarrassing being broke. He can be so convincing...it's painful not to give in. He yells at me, tells me I'm gullible and maybe I should date his brother instead since I believe everything HE tells me

Can someone please tell me they've seen all of this and that I'm not crazy?? There's so much more to tell, but too much to type now.

-

[Alera]

I think you might get a little more input over at Family and Friends of Substance Abusers. Down there, we have all been where you are, or are going through it.

The link is
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

If you want, the thread here can even be moved to that forum, just let me or a mod know via PM okay?

And Welcome to SR! We are glad you signed up.

[WantsOut]

You know how you can tell an active addict or alcoholic is lying? If they open their mouths.

It's amazing because everyone who ever got caught doing drugs has only used a few times! Isn't it incredible?!

Oh hon, he's a mess. A mess. If he can't be man enought to take care of his own offspring, he will never care for you in the way you deserve. You too can spend a lifetime being disappointed by him and then listening to his empty apologies later.

Sorry I sound so grim. I've been posting here for a while now and I keep seeing women like you and me ... with big, loving hearts and dumb gullible minds.

We both deserve a lover who is there for us.

[leeside]

Sounds like a real loser and he is using you.

[trapped4now]

Hi - I have been reading all the threads and did not realize how many people are in the same boat as I...Though it's sad for us all, I am glad I am not alone! I have been on rx drugs NORCO for close to 6 years and I have been able to stay close to the recommended daily dose since then - starting out like alot of you out there, back injury etc., I too found myself stuck in this addiction. This was the very first one I ever had in my life and ohhh what a fun one it is. I have tried myself to get off the pills many times only to be back on in just a matter of time....A differnt doc other then my rx one put me on methodone and it actually helped for awhile, but then I read the same stuff that they are worse then Norco and just another addicting rx - I dont need that either...I was told by the same doc that I could go in to ER on a Friday, be put under and come out 4 days later without having all those withdrawl symptoms, very costly! The bad thing about my addiction is that I have insurance that pays everything but $10 of it, so my monthly script is that - which makes things harder.. I could use some support - advice, whatever to help gain some strength to do this myself...I have kids and it's not easy, I dont have anybody to watch them for me while I go thru it, so I think the best thing is to taper down and pray to GOD that it will work for me...First step is to tell my rx doc I need off - something I have yet to do.
Thank you for reading - I miss the ol' times when I felt so good naturally, I just wonder do you ever feel that energy naturally again? Is there anybody out there who has?

[LIL_Pebbles]

Do not give him a penny, he has to save himself, you have to start living, easy said then done. You can not stop him, he has to get to the point he wants to stop, has to stop, he knows he is an addict, he will not tell you and why? He knows you will not give him any money. Before I was a addict i watched my mom give money to my sister, who threatened her and would not let up, i mean she would ask over and over to the point my mom could not take it and gave in, well her threats? she went into selling herself, that was going to happen, infact my mom learned she was doing it the entire time while playing an injured bird w/ no wings...Now you will question if he loves you? if he has been using you? do not ponder on that, get help for you, you will never know, just know he has to save himself and not only detox, but rehab and a half-way house...this is just my out look, good luck and i hope he seeks out help with "meaning"

OK, i just read the bottom of your thread, sorry anyway. So now he is verbaly being abusive? Get mad, cry whatever, but now this is time to use your emotions to get away from him, he can get worst he may even abuse you physicaly and the verbal abuse will get worst too...From an addicts point of out look, be careful anything in your house that is of value? change your banking information , like your checking, the number on the bottom can be used, also your ATM card, change the pin number and if able even go as far as changing banks, get a post office box for your mail, you have been feeding him money, he has been using this, you to get his drug,i think he is on an opiate from what his brother stated "He is strung out"

IF he was OK with you i could see you bringing him cigerettes, money to the staff for any sweets, he may crave that...I am vey sorry for you, I know what it is like to be the g/f of an addict my guy used for 4 years serious pain killers, Morphine/oxy ect...he had back surgery, anyway he was nice and mean to me, his moods were so off, as for money? he ttok care of his addiction and payed all our bills, but those mood swings were awful, i dealt with it by not being home much and drank a lot, at clubs w/ friends and during the day? I was working on horses, I seen and sufferd seeing my entire family go insane, i mean insane, i recall my sister chasing our mom with scissors for my mom stood up and said no you can't have any more money, that night my sister went into the Hosp. she got out by my mom stating to the shrink "yes I will take resonsibilitie for her" my sister in her 30's, acted like 16 been using sence then Crack/Heroin...here i go rambling, I hope all works out for you and of course i wish your b/f to find peace, I have to add it is not easy, it is something only addicts can feel....

[Buzz Kilowatt]

So Tired,

My heart goes out to you. You are a giving, patient, and loving person. Problem is, this person you are interested in is a living train wreck. In spite of your great and best intentions, there is nothing you can do to turn this one around. Such is the nature of addiction.

If there was honesty, there would be hope. But if you don't have honesty in a relationship, you really have nothing. You are simply another victim, willing or not.

I hate to paint so bleak a picture. But the fact is you deserve better. There are toxic people in the world, capable of dragging themselves and others to perdition.

Save a life here. Your own.

If you can afford it, get some professional help our counseling. There is only so much that strangers on a forum can offer.

God bless,

Buzz

[parentrecovers]

welcome, have you tried alanon or naranon meetings for yourself? alanon really helps me - i have a 22 year old daughter in early recovery from alcohol and cocaine addiction.

about your boyfriends addction - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

take good care of YOURSELF. blessings, k