Wtf!!!!!!

[Ultra-addict]

My wife called me earlier today and asked if I would be in from the field around lunchtime and if so, could I bring her and a couple of other teachers some lunch. I said sure, no problem. Well, I get to her school and sit down and hand out everyone's food to them.

Let me interject this point. My wife has made some great friends in some of her colleagues. One of them has been, what I would consider, a best friend. Well, when the proverbial sh*t hit the fan back in November about my addiction, my wife turned to her for support. She pretty much told her to leave me. But it has become fairly apparent that she disapproves of my wife supporting me and has avoided discussing the subject of my addiction and recovery. Which is fine, that's her perogative. It's just seems awfully judgmental to me (probably based on ignorance of the true nature of this disease)

Anyway, my wife's friend and I have always chatted and carried on coversations when I would drop by to bring lunch, etc. Well, today, you would have thought that I had leprosy!!!! I sat down in the chair next to her, and she literally shifted and faced the other way. Meanwhile, one of the other teachers who is also a friend of ours (and is aware of my addiction and treatment) was sitting across from me. I could tell she was being careful in what she said to me, but made a very deliberate effort to show that she was not judging me.

I don't know why that little petty incident set me off, but after I ate my burger, I told my wife that I had to get back to work. But in all honesty, I was freezing my a** off from the arctic shoulder I was getting. I went out to my truck turned on some Rammstein (my "I'm pissed, livid, etc. music") And drove around for 30 minutes stewing over this. I mean, since I've been home, I have called meetings with the 80 or so guys that work for me and came totally clean with where I was at last month, my problem, my hope, and to offer them a hand if any of them had an addiction problem. Not ONE of any of my co-workers or contractors have reacted in a negative way. Most of them came up afterwards offering their support. So, WTF??!!!!! Why this,"You should burn in hell for having a disease." The one ray of light that shone out of all of this though, is that I did not have the first inkling of an urge to use. Sorry for the ranting, but I had to get that off of my chest. I haven't found a sponsor yet, so this is my outlet for the time being. Thank you all for being here.

[jordoncole]

Sorry that had to happen, if i were you i would spit in there hamburger next time. ha ha ha and offer to bring them lunch more often, they will warm up to you while your at least having a laugh.. Man im mean!

[Time2Surrender]

Glad your here. Drugs and alcohol have destroyed many lives and many families. So its only natural some people are going to be that way toward an addict in recovery. Sad fact is, a large percentage dont make it. They are not willing to do the work and put in the effort required to recover and stay clean or sober. Cant really blame anyone for being sceptical. And unfortunatly many people do not understand addiction or recocognize it as a disease. Just keep working on yourself. Things have a way of working themselves out in time.

[gettingbetter]

Its too bad that we as humans have the need for people to like us. This woman who is a tiny particle in your life could of had a negative impact on your recovery. But the way you handled it shows how far you have progressed from your disease in a short period. Rammstein rocks, it used to be my favorite workout music, though i think some pink floyd would a better calming influence to control anger. keep posting, it works

[Ultra-addict]

You know the funny/strange thing is, is that when I addressed my addiction with all of those other people, I was prepared to be judged and shunned. And I was okay with that, I wasn't going to worry about it. But with this person, I already knew how she felt. I just came face-to-face with it today. My thinking since I began my recovery, except for this incident today, has been, I can't please everyone and I will not go out of my way to make people accept my addiction. It's on them if they re-act to it in a hurtful manner. I can't not and will try not to control other people trying to explain it (unless they ask to be informed), b/c I have come to learn that when I would do that, it would just end up spawning resentment against them. Thank you guys for your words.

[Time2Surrender]

I was told once by a wise old man, "Other people's opinion of me is really none of my business" Keeps from building resentments. Resentments are like peeing in your pants. Everyone see's it, but your the only one who feels it.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by jordoncole

Sorry that had to happen, if i were you i would spit in there hamburger next time. ha ha ha and offer to bring them lunch more often, they will warm up to you while your at least having a laugh.. Man im mean!

Oh yeah. Thats growth man.

[gettingbetter]

Since I have been upfront with people i see about my past, telling them what i had been through and where i am now, the compliment me on my honesty and relate how hard it must be for me to be truthful about my use. The shame i feel lessens everyday and the pride i once had as a contributing member of society inches back up. addicts will lie about things they don't even have to lie about. this woman may have other issues in her life that make her react this way. don't feed into her negativity or spit in her burger, ha ha, just kill her. kill her with kindness. there's nothing more a hater dislikes is when you don't return it back to them.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by gettingbetter

don't feed into her negativity or spit in her burger, ha ha, just kill her. kill her with kindness. there's nothing more a hater dislikes is when you don't return it back to them.

Retaliate with kindness? How could you be so cruel?

[Ultra-addict]

Thanks guys for your awesome words. I'm pretty much over it now. Like I said, prior to today, I thought I was totally prepared for those kind of reactions. The more I think about it, I think that I feel resentment towards her, b/c it seems like she turned her back on my wife when she really needed some support. But like one of you said, I don't know if she has had any kind of experiences with addiction/alcoholism in her family. Regardless, I'm still clean, I don't want to use, my wife is still standing firmly beside me, and most importantly I'm content & happy with ME, if only for today. Thanks again guys.

p.s. gettingbetter, I was actually switching between Pink Floyd and Rammstein on my MP3 when I got in my truck after all of this happened. How funny!!!!

[scarlettt]

Some people will always be ignorant.

I guarantee that if you did a little digging, you would most likely discover this individual had a few skeletons in her own closet. Maybe not with drugs per say, but NOBODY is perfect... and it's been my experiance that those who judge the harshest are sometimes the last person who should be passing judgement on anybody.

Talk to your wife about her "friends" disrespectful attitude.
You shouldn't have to tolerate that, especially after you did them all a favor by.... bringing them lunch??

That's my humble opinion, anyways.






** Edit** - I posted this before I saw your last post that you were "over it".
Glad you feel better about what happened. :-)

[tennchick9598]

well, she is an ignorant cruel, woman who must have a multitude of insecurities, and I am sorry that you had to experience that. I hope the rest of your day is great, remember, pm me if you need me, please. I want to help in any way i can, much love!!!

[Ultra-addict]

Scarlett,
Since I went into recovery and she reacted that way towards my wife, the two of them are still good friends. It's just they happen to disagree on this topic and have perhaps drifted apart slightly, but that's not my concern. I'm sure my wife picked up on my irritation and hurt when I told her I was going back to work. I'm not very good at hiding my irritation about things.

[gettingbetter]

my b'day comes up in a few weeks, so i'm gonna treat myself to floyd laser show at the nearby Indian casino, also a reward to myself for clean behavior. cause and effect is a good way to condition a mind towards sobreity.

[Time2Surrender]

Man, I used to hold resentments forever. It sucked. I should have been getting paid rent for all the space these people were occupying in my head. Resentments can easily lead to relapse.

[Ultra-addict]

Ya know, I've never been very bad at holding resentments or grudges when people did/said things to me. But God help the person who does or says something to those I love and care about (trying to work on that one). That's what made me realize the root of all of this. I just feel she turned her back on my wife and didn't want to offer any constructive advice, other than that she should leave me.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by gettingbetter

my b'day comes up in a few weeks, so i'm gonna treat myself to floyd laser show at the nearby Indian casino, also a reward to myself for clean behavior. cause and effect is a good way to condition a mind towards sobreity.

Sounds cool. Have fun http://www.laserspectacular.com/show/view.htm 57.5MB Took about 5 minutes to open with FIOS, but worth it.

[jordoncole]

Time2Surrender, sorry i was just joking about the spitting in the hamburger. but just the fact that it poped into my head is just sad. i cant believe i said that out loud

[Time2Surrender]

Dont sweat it man. I know you were not serious. You should hear some of the things that come outta my mouth.

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

Glad your here. Drugs and alcohol have destroyed many lives and many families. So its only natural some people are going to be that way toward an addict in recovery. Sad fact is, a large percentage dont make it. They are not willing to do the work and put in the effort required to recover and stay clean or sober. [AND THEREFORE] Cant really blame anyone for being sceptical.

Bingo. T2S, you've tons of great insight and wisdom.

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

Resentments are like peeing in your pants. Everyone see's it, but your the only one who feels it.

Got another favorite: A resentment is a double-edged sword we wield by the blade.

[Ten Chips Down]

Originally Posted by Ultra-addict

Thank you all for being here.

Nahhh, thanks for sharing mate. Got a comment for you to reflect on. Just a suggestion of a different perspective.

Why this,"You should burn in hell for having a disease."

Likely (very likely in fact), wifey's best friend is judging you not for your addiction but for your behavior in the throes of that addiction. What do you say. Am I close?

Something got to a point of intolerability between you and your wife, at some point. I'd bet money on it.

So, wife goes and just dumps; you know--confides--in her new, very best friend. Now Ultra, clearly something was disturbing her enough that what she told her best friend has remained fresh.

Finally you know, we cannot undo all damage in just a few month's time. You know that, right? And I'm banking on you knowing inside that some people you will never convert back to liking you again. For whatever complex psychological reasons on their own behalves. There are just some things we can never know.

So... I'll say the obvious. Focus on you, forget about her or at the very least avoid her physical proximity, for no good can come of placing yourself in her presence. And now for the not so obvious: Hold the wife accountable for her friend's anabashedly rude treatment of YOU, her husband.

I mean this Ultra: Wife needs to be supportive enough to intercede at trouble spots and not just let you walk right into some f*cked up passive-aggressive ambush.

Will be interested in your feedback.

Ten

p.s. -- JORDON - dude don't sweat it! I had that same kind of initial, visceral reaction. It just pisses you off to consider that people might be so stuck-up; so snooty and uppity. Most natural thing in the world, J.

[501]

Ultra, sorry that happened. She does not understand the disease. I use to think it wasn't a disease until it sucked me under. It is hard for people who don't have it to understand. Some people are just that way-their problem. Let it go, resentments are our biggest offender. One of my favorite slogans is " What other people think of me is none of my business." We can't control what others think, only what we think. Stay the course, sounds like your working your program.

[Ultra-addict]

Likely (very likely in fact), wifey's best friend is judging you not for your addiction but for your behavior in the throes of that addiction. What do you say. Am I close?

Spot on!!!

Something got to a point of intolerability between you and your wife, at some point. I'd bet money on it.

Again, dead on!!

So, wife goes and just dumps; you know--confides--in her new, very best friend. Now Ultra, clearly something was disturbing her enough that what she told her best friend has remained fresh.

This was right after I was "found out" by my wife.

Finally you know, we cannot undo all damage in just a few month's time. You know that, right? And I'm banking on you knowing inside that some people you will never convert back to liking you again. For whatever complex psychological reasons on their own behalves. There are just some things we can never know.

This is where my surrender comes in. I had to surrender this whole situation. And feel much better now. As far as "undoing" the damage, that is not even in the top 100 things that I'm doing for my recovery. That will come with time.

So... I'll say the obvious. Focus on you, forget about her or at the very least avoid her physical proximity, for no good can come of placing yourself in her presence. And now for the not so obvious: Hold the wife accountable for her friend's anabashedly rude treatment of YOU, her husband.

Well, I agree with the obvious, but not with the "not so obvious." It's my feeling, along with my wife's, that this person chose to act that way, and that is on her. At this point my family's recovery, we're trying not to concern ourselves with others behaviors (even though I failed that little test today, but recovered quickly). My wife has expressed and showed her support for me, in spite of her friend's behavior.

Thanks Ten. There is a lot of wisdom in that.


well, the quoting thing didn't work, but I think ya'll can follow. If not, look above this post and read Ten's post.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Ten Chips Down

Got another favorite: A resentment is a double-edged sword we wield by the blade.

Resentments are like drinking poison and waitin