Messed up my Taper down

[LIL_Pebbles]

O'boy did I mess up today and did not do right since 12-4th, sniffing crushed pills, at first is was like a 1/2 of one then one and then I get a call for a pick up for 40 vicodin if I wnat them, yes I said and paid, went my way, gave my holder and b/f out of 40 only 30 and used those 10 today, i found myself lying on that one, b/f i told him what i had done, i will pay for what i had done, i did fine 11-17-12-3rd, now? i am going to get the shakes and more withdrawl again like before until i got used to 1 and 1/2, this month was to be one a day for two weeks, being hard on me, i have to be, so 12-11 it is one pill till the 14th and then 1/2 a pill and b/f told me that i would not make it, i would get very sick for you see he seen me do a big drop and what i got was mostly mental/emotional like anxiety attacks and insomia, heart racing would be the physical, i now have valium for that, no Rx for the opiates it all dealer and who knows who, my family uses or used to and i find comfort in being there for my sister inlaw in which is in battle over booze and herion, last taken on the 7th, it helps us both when we talk to each-other and give strengh, to know we are not alone in the addiction batle.

I feel guilt, I mean I feel so awful that I mesed up, it is not like poor pity me, i am very angry at myself for doing those 10 today, not very high either, vicodin really never got me as high as percocete, for some weird reason...
also crushing and sniffing those 10 were from in the am till 3pm, i have some beer in the fridge and want to drink, but i know i will get sick if i do, so i refrain, i am in addicted mode here, yet something is spoiling it, i think fear of what i went through and all the reading i have done and mainly on this site...
i keep thinking what if i did what i was to do where would i be now? the damage is done, and yeah i could create more, but i never felt this way when using...Anyone eve feel like this? I swore to God that while i was suffering the first week of tapering down i would never sniff, nor pop them, i really felt like i was done with getting high from opiates, meantime i was hiting beer everyother day, and i wanted to escape, only one day i can state i needed it, that wa the 3rd day i was in the taper down, all was sureal and the sound of daily living sent me into a panic...

getting high sucks, i am like why? i am like thats all i am feeling from those 10? I recall my first slip this month and 1/2 of a percocete got me very high, i noted in my note book, was not worth it, The song that repets intself to me is "Do It Again" by Steely dan. errrr note to self and others who are using or new solid white is not meant to crush and sniff, a cheap form of hill billy high...and time will tell what the hell it has done to my CNS, rambling, mad...

[racegirl2448]

I never tried snifing...crushing and swollowing or chewing I have done..sniffing scares me... afried it'll hurt or I'll sneeze all the crap right out
I have no choice but to only take the 3 Oxy's I am directed to take...i got someone holding them....and every morning she leaves me my 3 for the day outside my hallways door under mat

[THE KING]

b/f told me that i would not make it,

I read your post and that one line, those 9 words jumped out at me

perhaps I read this wrong but it sounded to me like he was telling you that you could not overcome your addiction, again I could be wrong

BUT if thats the case and he is telling you that you cannot overcome your addiction then dont listen to that, block that out. ya you screwed up, you did something you should not have done you admitted that.... but guess what? in the big picture that means NOTHING

from the time I was 8 to about 18 my dad screwed up more times then I can count I mean he screwed up ALOT.........ALOT

however today he is 16 months clean and sober

and if HE can beat his addictions (and there were MANY) so can you

NOTHING is impossible It's gonna be hard but I think (No I apoligize I KNOW) you can and WILL beat your addiction

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by racegirl2448

I never tried snifing...crushing and swollowing or chewing I have done..sniffing scares me... afried it'll hurt or I'll sneeze all the crap right out
I have no choice but to only take the 3 Oxy's I am directed to take...i got someone holding them....and every morning she leaves me my 3 for the day outside my hallways door under mat

Hi and thank you for taking the time to post in this thread

Sniffing was a way for me to get instant high, controling the high, though now i see that i was never in control being active. i got the idea of sniffing crushed perrc's from hearing about hilly billy high and the drug was brought to me, I was almost done with using this was me being into using for only 6 months, decided that i should stop and i was taking only 1/2 of a Loracete everyother day!! I thought Gee I can do this w/ percs and so on.... people were crushing up oxy cottin , not the SR and geting a high somewhat like Herion, but person was able to be in more conrol, for example not noding of ect, I never did Herion, but came close to trying it, what scared me away from that was when i got an intense high from Oxy cottin 40 mgs and those two pills were SR i hammerd them in rolld up paprer, put it on my tonge and downed it with hot coffee, next thinmg I am nodding out, felt my breathing slow down, too much I stuck my head if the freezer, jumped into a cold shower, kept on moving, Odd and sick i never thought of calling 911.

Internal injuries, my left side of my nose and sinus is messed up for year 1/2 of sniffing every day and night, Thank God your scared, some addicts are not and should be for this drug when taken like this I and few that did it this way find it more addicting for time is spent up dealing with the drug, like makinging lines, getting that hit, just very sick...

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by THE KING

b/f told me that i would not make it,

I read your post and that one line, those 9 words jumped out at me

perhaps I read this wrong but it sounded to me like he was telling you that you could not overcome your addiction, again I could be wrong

BUT if thats the case and he is telling you that you cannot overcome your addiction then dont listen to that, block that out. ya you screwed up, you did something you should not have done you admitted that.... but guess what? in the big picture that means NOTHING

from the time I was 8 to about 18 my dad screwed up more times then I can count I mean he screwed up ALOT.........ALOT

however today he is 16 months clean and sober

and if HE can beat his addictions (and there were MANY) so can you

NOTHING is impossible It's gonna be hard but I think (No I apoligize I KNOW) you can and WILL beat your addiction

He meant that I would not be able to deal with my original taper down since i sniffed that many pills, he felt that i would not be able to deal with the reduction for i messed it up, he is wrong, i have taken one a day, but feel like hell, until i get used to one and then it is 1/2 if i was using for lets say 6 months i would just stop at 1/2, i am in fear that for i was sniffing this crap it did more damage, then here i go knwing this and abused the drug like i had done. I can beat this, I hold onto kore of that then the drug it's self, i am lucky to have enough pills to do a taper down, lucky to know and try to change, but it will not be easy, all the people i know and includes familyare addicts and are in most active...

thank you for your time posting and the words of encouragement

[racegirl2448]

Originally Posted by LIL_Pebbles

Hi and thank you for taking the time to post in this thread

Sniffing was a way for me to get instant high, controling the high, though now i see that i was never in control being active. i got the idea of sniffing crushed perrc's from hearing about hilly billy high and the drug was brought to me, I was almost done with using this was me being into using for only 6 months, decided that i should stop and i was taking only 1/2 of a Loracete everyother day!! I thought Gee I can do this w/ percs and so on.... people were crushing up oxy cottin , not the SR and geting a high somewhat like Herion, but person was able to be in more conrol, for example not noding of ect, I never did Herion, but came close to trying it, what scared me away from that was when i got an intense high from Oxy cottin 40 mgs and those two pills were SR i hammerd them in rolld up paprer, put it on my tonge and downed it with hot coffee, next thinmg I am nodding out, felt my breathing slow down, too much I stuck my head if the freezer, jumped into a cold shower, kept on moving, Odd and sick i never thought of calling 911.

Internal injuries, my left side of my nose and sinus is messed up for year 1/2 of sniffing every day and night, Thank God your scared, some addicts are not and should be for this drug when taken like this I and few that did it this way find it more addicting for time is spent up dealing with the drug, like makinging lines, getting that hit, just very sick...

Pebbles-
you crushed and snorted 40mg Oxy's (2 of them)....that was why you nodded off.... that was like 16 percs at once.... I take those don't snort them though but if I take them to close to gethre I nod out at the computor desk.... never actually fall asleepthough
bye

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by racegirl2448

Pebbles-
you crushed and snorted 40mg Oxy's (2 of them)....that was why you nodded off.... that was like 16 percs at once.... I take those don't snort them though but if I take them to close to gethre I nod out at the computor desk.... never actually fall asleepthough
bye

I nodded out, did not like it at all...on top of it i had already 10 percocetes in me at the time too, well a lesson learned very well, thank God i did not OD, I never have messed w/ Oc's again like that. Your lucky, some people just take the pills and not just abuse, but like me really find inventive ways to make them stonger, to obtain a better high, so on...I could never fall asleep when high or altered by opaites, but that day i thought i was gonna bye the farm...

I crushed the OC's to realease the time realease, did not snort them i took the poweder and drank it down w/ a coffee.

[mikiglen]

so how are you today?

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by mikiglen

so how are you today?

Not high, I am shaky, insomia, you know nerves, plus i have delt w/ my SisterInlaw she is active in Heroin and her DOC is booze, so I have been trying to help her out like being there on the phone only, plus my Nephew, her son is acting weird and he will not talk to me nor anyone, i have to let it all go as of today, i can not help any of them, my addiction can kill me, i have to save me..Thank you for asking about me too I see your doing great, very happy about that BTW: i dumped out all booze in my fridge today

[windysan]

i could never taper a dammed thang.

i had to do detox/rehab or die.

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by windysan

i could never taper a dammed thang.

i had to do detox/rehab or die.

It is not easy, the pills i had abused/used i take as a taper, I could not do it alone, by means of my ownhand for this the pills? I had many to rely on in a perfect slow taper to only mess it up, I'm sick, however if done cold turkey i could not imagine what i would go through. Booze is now on my list of something that I as recent have used to escape. On going to Detox? The only thing they could give me is 5-7 days worth of Methadone and fast track me into a clinic where i would be dependant on that, I choosen not to for that and other reasons, though I do not down Methadone, I much rather deal with Suboxen, all doctors are full in a 10 mile zone from me who are educated in giving this to a opiate addiction, one must be in mderate withdrawl like nothing for two days, the first dose is given in the doctors office and dose is adjusted, before this one must have urine and a blood test done, so I have heard from others, I can get this off the street a person in my family did and is playing a danger game, for Narcan I have read and so on is in this pill, it comes in a variety of doses has a narcotic agent in it, like Methadone does, from what i did read Narcon is it so ppl will not shoot it up, I feel that is part of it, I have learned a person goes into imediade withdrawl in the doctors offfice then the other dose is given to take away the sickness, all i typed here could be wrong, ppl i spoke to are selling it and i can not take their word, you know? so I hope that i can do this taper down to nothing and not rely on suboxen, I have managed to **** up this month, back on track, one day and at times one second at a time...

Good news, i learned my sister-inlaw in is detox, thank God she was on deaths door...

[racegirl2448]

glad S-I-L is in detox..... heard heroin is harder to kick than Percs. Even though my Dr give me Oxy... I usually chew them so I suppose the WD would be the same as Percs as that is what is in it just supossed to be slowly released and that is what makes Oxy's taken as directed "whole" so much harder to WD from. I COULD BE WRONG...don't know.

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by racegirl2448

glad S-I-L is in detox..... heard heroin is harder to kick than Percs. Even though my Dr give me Oxy... I usually chew them so I suppose the WD would be the same as Percs as that is what is in it just supossed to be slowly released and that is what makes Oxy's taken as directed "whole" so much harder to WD from. I COULD BE WRONG...don't know.

Thank you Heroin I feel maybe harder for it is stronger and each bag is stronger or weaker, one can not taper off of bags, they can try and reduce their intake, i seen ppl at my mom's home detox off of it w/ help from disketes of methadone off the street, some cases str8 withdrawl, my mom helped my sisters detox and their friends. my sister-Inlaw was getting some aid from suboxen off the street, so she went from that to using Heroin when she did a run for people, her main thing is booze, so now she is detox, she is a very tiny woman, and had lost too much weight and she was i think dying a slow death, I have seen her before messed up, but not like this, she was on heroin the entire summer, i never knew it, when she was high, i had no idea...my sister recetly shot her up, and i spoke to her she gave her a off shot on purpose, the other time she got shot up, and thank god ther person had heart made her walk to get her heart rate going she was going out, not nodding off...sad.

On Oxy cottin SR that is what I did, well I can not chew it for i have no back chewers, had my teeth pulled than filed for Rx's, anyhow I would taken 40mgs rolled it up in paper and hammerd the hell out of it, to relase the SR, I put it on my tongue and washed it down w/ coffee, that was the day i thought I was going to OD...that stoped me from messing w/ that drug like that, plus i did have about ten percs in me already...
I rel;ate to you on the imediate high, the highs where i have all this damn energy that is like an upper type feeling and some sweet calmness, nothing could bother me, this is what made me chase that drug called percocete errr. damage done, can only go onward and do the best i can, if i should fail anytime soon? it is methadone maint:

[LIL_Pebbles]

Well I messed up again, I drank yesterday, begged my B/f for some Vicoden, he w/ no more xanax, i w/ many you see he will cave in for the xanax, it is a game we paly on oneanother, before i was getting clean i would use his weaknes to gain pills, he would do a run to get percs for me, and even pay part of my pill bill, the man upstairs from me deals percs and for me to get one perc fronted is 10.00, yeah that much...anyway you can imagine the pil bill as i was using to get high...I did fantastic for two weks, those two weks i had seeen what the drug had done to me, how quick to forget when i am in addict mode here, i had it made w/ pills till the end of january and now? just till end of december. right now i am not high, right now i want to drink and i have bought a 40.oz of beer that i drank 1/2 of just to feel something, i did and i want to drink i want to get high, i have no sponser, i need to get one, my head is spinning w/ craving, today is it,i can not take anymore extras, for i only have enough till end of december, so it seems this is the only way i make it, for fear of cold turkey, that is the only fear in all honesty, i have usedf about 3-4 a day, not bad for what i used to use, i am kicking myself in the ass for throwing away my beer in the fridge, errrrr...The pills are a tease every damn ass day there they are, just one, you now? what a tease, i would be better off doing a Ct get it over, but if that CT is easy then? I will **** up, i know it fear is the main motivator in me being clean, no longer am i thinking right like my future, the pills made me numb again, damn...i will keep all updated, when i get my act as one on her this thread...on methadone?
i can get disketes and even suboxen, but that is palying with a door i do not want to open, i know isf the dose is not rught all hell can happen, like my life right now is not hell it can get more hoter...

I made alot of mistakes here typing, and do not mind me venting, sorry. i wished that iu could type up a happy solid story, but i only fool me and being not honest with others on here is way not cooool

[mikiglen]

sorry to hear all that, wish i could help
my boyfriend used to go to the er for me all the time and get meds cause i would be sick and mean
i know if he was still around, i wouldn't be clean today
is there someone else you could stay with maybe?

[LIL_Pebbles]

Originally Posted by mikiglen