I was doing better

[Change4life]

I messed up friday night. I finally got a job aftre being unemplyable for 18 months. The first 2 paychecks I did the right thing paid rent and bought food. The 3rd check I got 24 hours ago and it is all gone. I am mentally beating myself up. and the sickest part of it is I still feel like getting high knowing how upset I am that I fell after 3 weeks and really pissed I spent all my cash. I was just starting to feel like maybe I was getting better, but now I am not so sure.
Im going into the basement to find the liquor stash. Not the best idea, but better than hitting the streets looking for crack again. I dont want to feel this obbsession. I dont even feel like going through the whole process of goingto cop. And yet I feel like I am being pulled around like a puppet. What is wrong with me? I am on probation and have to careful, but I also finally got a job I like, but it seems so easy to throw it all away. Just to get high. For right now I am staying put, but I think the only way I will be able to stop myself from going out is to go to sleep

[Time2Surrender]

How about going to a meeting?

[Done-With-It]

but it seems so easy to throw it all away.

Something we all go through everyday.
Sorry your having a hard time. You know what to do.
Your next decision will affect tomorrow and will probably
decide if you'll have a job next week.

Think it through Beth.

[Change4life]

I know what I have to do, but I am admittedly going out of my mind tonight. The earliest meeting I can make isnt until tomorrow night.
I am not sure why I relapsed fri. and still feel like this, nothing bad or life altering happened. In fact I finally got some good news today. Its times like these that really scare me. If I cant keep it together whe n things are relatively good. How am I going to keep my head on straight when I find myself in stressful situations?

[northbelle]

Hey bfree, glad to see you here..I know sobriety is really confusing sometimes for me too. I think we just THINK too damn much!!! Analyze our every shortcoming to the hilt/ I bet you have some pretty positive traits about you. You must to be able to stay sober , get a job, live through yet another relapse. You are a survivor for sure. This disease will kill us though. When they say jails insttutions or death. Well I have hit the first two...so whats left??
I have about 50 days clean today. And it is rough here too. I am QUITING a fairly high paying job I have held for abour 18 months now. Because I need to take care of my son and my sobriety..I am just tapped out emotionally and need to get some stability.
Please know you are not alone and we care about you here..I think you are a pretty cool chick so..stay safe...and sweet..cause I know you are!!!!
This is a great place to post and get it all out there in the open...out of your head. And I need to take my own advice too..lets support each other OK???? We need you here too....!!! You help me stay clean..and keep going..so thank you for sharing your struggle .

love north

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by bfree4u

I know what I have to do, but I am admittedly going out of my mind tonight. The earliest meeting I can make isnt until tomorrow night.
I am not sure why I relapsed fri. and still feel like this, nothing bad or life altering happened. In fact I finally got some good news today. Its times like these that really scare me. If I cant keep it together whe n things are relatively good. How am I going to keep my head on straight when I find myself in stressful situations?

Are you sure you know what you have to do? For a long time, I knew it in my head. It took awhile to know it in my heart. Praying helped me get it there.

In lieu of a meeting, do you have a phone list? If not, some planning and asking for one at this next meeting might be a good idea. A life-saving idea, even.

As far as the rest of it, the how to stay clean part, well...that's what the program is for. Sitting in meetings will keep you clean for an hour. Working a progam will teach you how to live sober each day, all day.

Prayers for you, Beth. I'll bet they'll work better if you pray, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[northbelle]

Yup definitely the meetings..I am going to one here in a few hours myself.
I called in to my job today, Heavy issues at work and I just can't do it today,,taking care of myself ..trying to get some clarity. I don't think I can go back to my job with all the weitd crap going on right now. And it is really stressin me out.
How ya Bfree?????? Did ya get to the meeting??? Keep trying you really are making progress. Progress not perfection..
love north

[Change4life]

I am stressed out. I feel like using, not my usual crack but something that will knock me out. ii feel like I am going to end up just changing from one drug to another. I am going to a meeting tonight, but I am so worried about court tomorrow I doubt I will be able to pay much attention to what is going on. My head is in a bad space today.

[Brian1978]

Originally Posted by bfree4u

I messed up friday night. I finally got a job aftre being unemplyable for 18 months. The first 2 paychecks I did the right thing paid rent and bought food. The 3rd check I got 24 hours ago and it is all gone. I am mentally beating myself up. and the sickest part of it is I still feel like getting high knowing how upset I am that I fell after 3 weeks and really pissed I spent all my cash. I was just starting to feel like maybe I was getting better, but now I am not so sure.
Im going into the basement to find the liquor stash. Not the best idea, but better than hitting the streets looking for crack again. I dont want to feel this obbsession. I dont even feel like going through the whole process of goingto cop. And yet I feel like I am being pulled around like a puppet. What is wrong with me? I am on probation and have to careful, but I also finally got a job I like, but it seems so easy to throw it all away. Just to get high. For right now I am staying put, but I think the only way I will be able to stop myself from going out is to go to sleep

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It happenes. I would spend every penny I got on booze or dope. The important thing is don't give up the good fight. Just pick your self up and try again.