Given up my 42 months...

[WNY Addict]

I posted this in the NA forum as I'm still (and always have been) with NA.. my sponsor and his sponcees, my NA friends. Just thought someone here might find this helpful . If anything this a recovering addict's tale of relapse after a an injury... and pain management.

"Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I posted here, and unfortunately it's not going to be a good post... or thread I should say.

I was injured at work back in late 2005. After struggling with non-opiate medications and treatments for a month I started taking pain medication in December 05'. Afer a few months of treatment by my Primary Medical Doctor, he referred me to a Pain Clinic. Things were going okay for a few months and I continued to work for several months before going out on comp. Once I went out on comp I slowly started expressing the need to reduce pain medicines. All of my Doctors know of my history with IV and oral opiate addiction. I returned to work a few months ago (2) and I've slowly been going out of control. I finally broke down yesturday and admitted to my wife, my sponsor, my closest friends from NA, and most importanly myself that I'm feeding my addiction all over. I'm disgusted with myself, but at the same time I'm going to nip this in the butt before I reach the bitter ends... jails, institutions, deriliction, and death.

I'm a MICA or dual diagnosed patient... and I should know better working in the field of psychiatric/addiction medicine. My mental health provider suggested the suboxone therapy for both pain management and addiction. I've always been anti-maintainance programs because the first times I detoxed from an incredibly high amount of opiates a day I did it myself... something I'd never recommend. In light of my physical injury I can't go without anything, and this suboxone treatment would esentially "kill the two birds with one stone" as my Psychiatrist stated. He's a practicing treament provider for this medicine, but his 30 limit is full. I'd be waiting for at least a few weeks to get on this program, and I'm done with pain clinic or any other type of stuff like that.

I called my old counselor and he mentioned a few names of MD's in the area that he believed had openings. After calling the third name he gave me I found a Doctor who just reopenend his Suboxone treatment practice, and am going Tuesday to see him and start this new road. Until then I'm going to meetings, be honest with friends and family, talking with my sponsor, and giving thanks to my HP that I didn't lose the job this time... I didn't have the police knocking on my door... nor the DEA... and I'm not dead.

I'm done with my blamethrower and justification. I injured myself pretty bad, but I was the one that started abusing again. It went from reducing pain to reducing pain and reality. I hate myself for it , but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to start my program all overagain. I have a small amount of pain medicine left to get me through to Tuesday, and I'm going to call Wednesday my new "Birthday"... which also happens to be my real Birthday.

I don't know. I just throught I'd share my experience for anyone else in the same shoes, or anyone who has a health problem that's thinking of seeking pain managment. It's a slippery slope, and we as cunning addicts can still fool the best pracitioners despite them knowing who we are. It catches up though... and I can't lie and try to fool myself any longer. I lost that ability when I took my first step a few years ago. It's never the same once you admit you're an addict.

Like one of my closest NA brothers told me today, "losers quit, winners surender". I surrender... again

Peace,
WNY Addict"

[best]

I don't see it as giving up 42 months. I see this as using 42 months worth of knowledge being put to proper use. When I have a bad cold and use nitequil, on the third day of use, I feel and know that the addictive properties are there.
I needed the med and when I realized what was starting to happen, I took action. I do not look at it as a relapse...I look at it as using what I learned and doing what is right. When I can...asprin is all I use. When I must, I take what is needed but stop as soon as I am able.
I see your actions as wise and heading in the right direction. You are doing what needs be done. Good job.

[WNY Addict]

Thanks best I appreciate the words... especially when I'm at this wishy-washy point where my self-esteem is just shattered. I know I told people with relapses after 12-15 years... "you relapsed... but that's the disease... it's a chapter in the basic text... and you may have relapsed but you can't take away your recovery time... you just changed your clean date... big deal".

I guess I'm looking at it in a negative manner. I'm not seeing the hundreds of meetings, the home groups, the sponsor, the sponsorship support group every week, the sponcees I had... I'm just looking at the slip-up. I told freinds that relapsed the same thing as above, but I can't apply it to myself. I always respected the courage and strength of the people who came in for a white tag. I just never wanted to do that again. Here we go though.

I'm a low self-esteem person to begin with... something NA and my sponsor was helping me with. This incident just has me back in that corner again. That's where my sponsor and NA friends (or online friends, like here) come in to remind me.

I know I'll do it... it's just going to take awhile to come to term's with it. It really felt like I took an elephant off my back yesturday when I made those phone calls and spilled the beans. People were shocked, but they were there for me... like always. I'm going to an NA meeting tonight with friends. I know there'll be some crying... but it's all good. It's times like this when that saying "the power of one addict helping another is without parallel" makes sense like nothing else. I don't know where I'd be had I never found the unconditional love and support in the rooms of NA.

Thanks again

[WNY Addict]

Thanks man. And I'm glad you didn't get that script. The back pain I feel right now is nothing compared to the withdrawl. I can't take motrin, aspirin, etc because of a history of GI bleeding, but I can do the chiropractor, the menthol patches, absorbine junior...etc.

Like I told one of my sponcee bros tonight... Let me be the test pilot... please, don't follow! He was talking about just playing with a bottle of his dad's junk. It's just a one-way-street for an addict.

Next time I'd ever accept pain medicine is if I was looking at my femur bone sticking out my thigh... and the way I feel now... even then I'd have to think about taking something.