hydrocodone addiction

[chloe06]

Well I guess today has been a better day! I managed to get a last minute apt with a therapist so was out for a few hours, she has given me some relaxation cds to help with nightime anxiety so I will try that tonight. Going to try to go to bed earlier. Still so tired, eating is a struggle but I am forcing myself to eat. Actually told someone how many tablets I have been taking and that was a huge leap of faith...this all started because I was so scared of my escalating problem with sleeping tablets, I have a long road ahead of me and its as scary as hell. I have found an evening course for cbt starting on 25th sept and so hope I will be able to do that...I have to work thru my triggers and try to find ways to deal with my problems and deal with pain other than popping pills...in a way I feel lucky I was given tramadol because without that and the reaction I had I would still be popping the paracetamol and codeine at about 16 a day and slowly killing myself.
Thanks to everyone for all the tips, advice and understanding I couldnt have gotten thru the last few days diazepam free without this site so thankyou!

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Blueline,

Today will be bearable and tomorrow better still.

Keep the faith.

Buzz

[blueline]

I hope you're right...only got about an hour of sleep last night. Looking forward to a long day at work.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

During my acute withdrawal phase I took either an Ambien or .25 mg Xanax (MD prescribed, as was the HC that got me into trouble in the first place) on those nights when I just HAD to get some sleep. Those meds really helped. I don't care for either otherwise and so there isn't much chance I'd be tempted to abuse them. I can't speak for others.

My point: IMHO there is nothing wrong with short-term pharmaceutical assistance to make it through this rough period. Why suffer needlessly? (OTOH I acknowledge the value of suffering to deter a future relapse, but that's "academic" at this point).

One good night of sleep might really lift your spirits. Talk to your MD.

Good luck today.

Buzz

[Asylum101]

Originally Posted by Buzz Kilowatt

IMHO there is nothing wrong with short-term pharmaceutical assistance to make it through this rough period. Why suffer needlessly? (OTOH I acknowledge the value of suffering to deter a future relapse, but that's "academic" at this point).

One good night of sleep might really lift your spirits. Talk to your MD.

I have to disagree with you on this one Buzz, (not wanting to BTW)

As Sweetnuff wisely told me here not long ago, "Your addiction doesn't know what you are taking, it just knows it's being fed." Why tempt yourself? I have known several close individuals who have had a go around with sleeping pills, namely Ambien, and one particular one who takes it just for the buzz.

OK, I can maybe see if someone is strong willed enough to take just one to get that much desired good nights sleep leaving it at that, but we are talking about addictive personalities and CNS here. I say let your body go through the motions and allow it to re-adjust to taking NOTHING.

Just My Opinion

[chloe06]

Sleeping meds arent an option for me they were actually a big part of my problem, I think my dependance to them were stronger than the codeine. I was taking up to 10 a night at the worst time, I am very ashamed of that and I have been on them since my first hospital admission...they also do have long term health problems for me esp ambien(known here as zolpidem) it affected my neurological functioning,...giving me symptoms like numbness down one side, weakness, dizziness etc. I miss the sleep meds so much more than anything else, when you are depressed the only escape is sleep and for me when the depression was so bad it became a habit to take them during the day and they are the only drug I have found that if you dont actually use them to go to sleep they do give you extra energy so can be easily abused. It is so scary to not sleep when you go thru this and I am sure that if hospitalised then you are given it routinely, I know everyone that I was in hospital with were given sleeping meds mainly so the staff havent got to deal with people roaming during the nights...also long term I think they make depression worse. I need to go to bed now but I am scared to it is driving me nuts! Just wanted to add my experience, each person has to deal with their own situation I just know for me tha even taking neurofen is a problem.

[blueline]

buzz, thanks for the input, but on this one I will have to go with chloe and asylum. I don't think I need to take any sleeping pills. I took ambien a few months ago and I didn't like what it did to me. I do appreciate your advise though, it has been very helpfull and I hope you will continue to help. Right now coffee and Mt. Dew are my best friends during the day time.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Chloe & Asylum,

Y'all have an interesting and viable perspective, which I respect.

I think that like there are different W/D strategies, there are differences among addicts. "Your addiction doesn't know what you are taking, it just knows it's being fed" might apply to some . . . but not all.

Some addictions are an outward manifestations of a compulsive nature. Others result from the unintend consequences of taking prescribed meds. There are varying levels of willfullness, integrity, and determination, just as there is among "non-addicted" folks.

Like Blueline, I don't like Ambien, or for that matter benzos. I can use them PRN and not be addicted "by accident" or otherwise to these meds. I can have a drink or two and not be interested in getting drunk or drinking regularly. Again, that's me, and I don't recommend it to others.

OTOH, I'm scared to ever get tangled up in my DOC (HC) again, and really doubt my own ability to have power over my addiction if I were to use again for pain.

I'm very skeptical about the doctrine (almost a religious fervor) of no meds ever again. I recognize that it is a successful part of NA and other approaches, but different strokes for different folks.

The ancient Greeks said it best: - Nothing to excess (not everything in moderation, as is widely and erroneously believed).

[michski]

Originally Posted by Buzz Kilowatt

I'm very skeptical about the doctrine (almost a religious fervor) of no meds ever again. I recognize that it is a successful part of NA and other approaches, but different strokes for different folks.
.

I agree with you Buzz...I also don't think suffering should reach epic proportions. The first few times I tried to clean up I suffered endlessly and got so exhausted with the journey I caved in. The last time I used Excedrin PM's for sleep, took estrogen (oops, there goes my age) and a anti depressant.... I couldn't fail again and I had my bases covered. Here it is nearly 5 years later and I no longer feel the insane obsession to drink booze and I DO take my pain medication as prescribed... Even percocet as needed.

On the other hand, I do believe getting clean is worth any and all agony.. so just do it anyway you will be successful and get your life back! The agony of withdrawal is what I keep formost in my mind and that remembering that suffering keeps me from doing it again.

[blueline]

Buzz, you're obviously a wise man. I've never been guilty of being wise myself. You make good sense and I appreciate your concern. Thanks. But I've got to do this my way or no way. I am terrified to take anymore pain pills, or sleeping pills for that matter. Although the temptation is almost overwhelming at times to pick up the phone and call the doctor for more pain pills. I know for a fact that he will give me what I want over the phone. I have taken pain pills for 16 months straight and I am paying heavily for it now. I am determined not to go through this again. Yes, I still have pain from my injuries, and I probably always will to some degree. But, at least for a while, I just can't go down that road. I've got to get my life back, even if it is with pain. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Blue

[windysan]

I agree with Buzz with regards to addicts being able to take meds as prescribed. I do think that we all have to be very careful when doing so.

I don't want any benzos, opiates, brain meds or any other kinda pill that is gonna make me feel buzzed. But that is just me....and I'm an idiot.

I don't buy into the AA doctrine of "a drug is a drug is a drug". I have a few beers now and again and I don't wanna go guzzle a jug of Ten High. The same goes for short term benzo use.....I refuse to take any benzos, no matter what. I just know what I'll do if I take one. I simply LOVE that easy-going, super-calm, feeling-all-unecessary feeling. I love it WAY too much.

Hang in there Chloe and Blue.

[chloe06]

morning..I was hoping for a better nite but sadly not, I coudnt pluck up the courage to go to bed early so went either later then woke up about 2 hrs ago and just forced myself to lay in bed. as soon as I wake my heart is punding so heart, still woke up in a pool of sweat too. Its saturday here today so no routine of kids going to school. I know I am going to have to go out for quite some time today and that scares me too!
The thing for me with taking other drugs is that I am just plain terrified, I do take an anti-D and I dont abuse that...drugs I dont know I respect those and those I think I know I have abused. I have done 5 nights with no diazepam now, I tossed and turned last night and felt like crying but my body wasnt quite as wired as it has been so that must be a good sign? I am on day 12...longest 12 days of my life and I am 3 weeks tomorrow with no sleep meds.

Blue, I know that you have to be very careful who you talk to but is there any way to tell your dr about your problems even if its just to say that you think you have become pyshically dependant on the pain killers and that they dont work for you and you dont want anymore just so you can get it out of your head that you can pick up the phone and call him?

I have no option on getting codeine, my dr knows about my addiction to that and sleeping meds so wouldnt give it to me, I could go to another dr but I really dont think I would ever do that....just and idea BLue.

[Jane63]

It's me again! Not sure why I picked this thread to jump into after being AOL for so long, but so much just reminded me of myself and how I was feeling during my WD time.

Buzz...your posts/replies are so thoughtful and well put and windysan, so truthful, to the point and caring! I really enjoy reading them!

I know for the longest time I was absolutely terrified of taking ANYTHING! Then I began to settle down as time healed me and I became more comfortable in my own skin again.{of course, never too comfortable to forget where I had been!}

I was very thankful that my doctor choose to let me remain on my anti-anxiety medication I had been taking for many years and still do. I honestly don't think I would have made it without that and thankfully have never had the urge {neither now or when I was "using"} to abuse it.

However, I still think to this day...2-years later, that if someone put Vicoden in front of me, I would eat them right up...no problem! I dunno, because I have never tried that but I cannot imagine the guilt I would feel afterwards.

I did have a long face-to-face with my doctor and told him of my fears that I might possibly be in pain {real pain!} someday and be denied proper pain control. He said we would deal with that when and IF the day came so I just have to have faith.
It is the scariest thing to fess up to your doctor but I think if you are truthful and let them know your fears, they can help you better in the long run.
I don't think doctors set out to get anybody addicted {at least not most} and we need to let them know as much as possible in order to get the best possible care.

{{Blue}} and {{chloe}} You both should be so proud of yourselves and keep on fighting the good fight!
I do remember taking "Melatonin" {all natural sleep aid} during my stay in rehab and for a couple weeks after discharge so that might be an option worth considering.
Also, sometimes I just give up tossing and turning and get up, read or do something rather than lying in bed miserable watching the clock!
Whatever you choose, just remember that this too shall pass and better days are on their way!!
Jane

[windysan]

Chloe,

The insomnia and night sweats are normal. I soaked the bed every night for almost a month off of everything.

One tip I can give you is this.....don't take naps during the day. Set a time to go to bed and stick to it.

Also, put a beach towel under your bedsheet to soak up the sweat.

Drink as much water as you can during the day. Flush, flush, flush. Benzos stick around for awhile.

You might want to talk to yr doc about the brain meds you are taking. Maybe these are contributing to your insomnia.

Remember that insomnia won't kill you. You are going to be fine.

[chloe06]

thanks for the tips and at least if I know roughly how long I can kinda cope with it. Have to go to the drs next week as I am getting chronic heartburn and nothing is shifting it...its amazing for a person who would go to the drs and take anything to be scared to take heartburn medicine...can only be for the good tho I suppose...I have saved a fortune on the drugs I would have been prescribed and also more or less been housebound for 3 weeks so no shopping and I am hardly eating. I have done ok today, managed to geta fair amount of food in....I drink water constantly, always have a glass by my side so I stay hydrated otherwise I will end up with a migraine. I dont sleep during the day but I do lay down mainly to try to get over the anxiety of getting into bed...it used to be my best friend and now its my enemy. I tried the cds the therapist gave me but they werent any good just made me feel more agitated. I am getting some sleep so I have to be thankful for that. End of day 12, its fathers day tomorrow so hope I am up to at least helping out a bit more. My husband has been great, asks me at least 20 times a day if I am ok and is really encouraging about the changes in my behaviour. We went out as a family today and I said even though I am really sick is it better than 3 weeks ago and he said definately...he would have had to froce me to go out then and even though I am sick I need to be around them, its far from perfect but its a start.

Thanks everyone for all the support I really really appreciate it!

[Peter]

This is wonderful.

Two sides examining the pros and cons of medication in a respectful manner and the individual making the choices for themself.

You guys are great.

[windysan]

Originally Posted by chloe06

thanks for the tips and at least if I know roughly how long I can kinda cope with it. Have to go to the drs next week as I am getting chronic heartburn and nothing is shifting it...its amazing for a person who would go to the drs and take anything to be scared to take heartburn medicine...can only be for the good tho I suppose...I have saved a fortune on the drugs I would have been prescribed and also more or less been housebound for 3 weeks so no shopping and I am hardly eating. I have done ok today, managed to geta fair amount of food in....I drink water constantly, always have a glass by my side so I stay hydrated otherwise I will end up with a migraine. I dont sleep during the day but I do lay down mainly to try to get over the anxiety of getting into bed...it used to be my best friend and now its my enemy. I tried the cds the therapist gave me but they werent any good just made me feel more agitated. I am getting some sleep so I have to be thankful for that. End of day 12, its fathers day tomorrow so hope I am up to at least helping out a bit more. My husband has been great, asks me at least 20 times a day if I am ok and is really encouraging about the changes in my behaviour. We went out as a family today and I said even though I am really sick is it better than 3 weeks ago and he said definately...he would have had to froce me to go out then and even though I am sick I need to be around them, its far from perfect but its a start.

Thanks everyone for all the support I really really appreciate it!

That Zantac stuff workds great for me. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. You definitely need to EAT. Don't worry about your girlish figure....eat carbs, sugars, protein. Dope depletes the hell out of your body so you need to feed the body now. Good luck today. Sounds like you are getting better every day.

[WA_NA_Survivor]

Hi Blueline, take care, had I joined this site earlier I would have given my perspective earlier. I got heavily addicted to Hydrocodone after it was prescribed for a minor injury and in the end, the euphoria & pain relief were left far behind and it was only keeping my withdrawal symptoms at bay.

When I stopped using it, my mind, body and soul felt like one massive bruise - like I had hit a concrete wall at 100 mph. I would suggest over the counter immodium at your local supermarket / pharmacy for managing diarrhea and if taken in large enough doses, it will alleviate some physical withdrawals if you are still having residual withdrawals - usually 5 days is the turning point for feeling some relief.

My first month in recovery was very bleak, I felt like a hollow shell of a person and the intense cravings / psychological withdrawals continued for at least 3 months. For the 1st month my sleeping pattern was screwed so I used ambien to get to sleep at night - without that I wouldn't have been able to hold down my job. I chose to go cold turkey on a Friday while at work (looked like a bad case of the 'flu) and used the weekend and Monday to get over the initial physical withdrawals. I wanted to do a drug rehab but I was concerned about job security.

Talking to other recovering addicts and attending NA meetings helped immensely in the initial months. Don't want to discourage anyone here but truthfully, the first few months are emotionally very hard and I was scared that I could potentially alienate my co-workers and lose my job because of the severe depression I was experiencing. I was crying into my breakfast cereal for no apparent reason, many mornings in my first month or 2 of recovery.

The upside to it is that if you get to the 6 month mark and beyond, applying a 12 step program, you start to feel alive again and genuinely glad to be alive - so there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the headlight of the oncoming train.

I still get episodes of intense vulnerability at times (esp when tired) and can feel emotionally volatile but I now have much more in the way of coping skills and you will too if you hang in there and reach out to others in recovery. Remember addiction is a disease of isolation and denial and the antidote is to acknowledge our powerlessness over drugs / people / places / circumstances and reach out to others who are actively working a program of recovery.

Take care, all of you.

[WA_NA_Survivor]

Hi Blueline, take care, had I joined this site earlier I would have given my perspective earlier. I got heavily addicted to Hydrocodone after it was prescribed for a minor injury and in the end, the euphoria & pain relief were left far behind and it was only keeping my withdrawal symptoms at bay.

When I stopped using it, my mind, body and soul felt like one massive bruise - like I had hit a concrete wall at 100 mph. I would suggest over the counter immodium at your local supermarket / pharmacy for managing diarrhea and if taken in large enough doses, it will alleviate some physical withdrawals if you are still having residual withdrawals - usually 5 days is the turning point for feeling some relief.

My first month in recovery was very bleak, I felt like a hollow shell of a person and the intense cravings / psychological withdrawals continued for at least 3 months. For the 1st month my sleeping pattern was screwed so I used ambien to get to sleep at night - without that I wouldn't have been able to hold down my job. I chose to go cold turkey on a Friday while at work (looked like a bad case of the 'flu) and used the weekend and Monday to get over the initial physical withdrawals. I wanted to do a drug rehab but I was concerned about job security.

Talking to other recovering addicts and attending NA meetings helped immensely in the initial months. Don't want to discourage anyone here but truthfully, the first few months are emotionally very hard and I was scared that I could potentially alienate my co-workers and lose my job because of the severe depression I was experiencing. I was crying into my breakfast cereal for no apparent reason, many mornings in my first month or 2 of recovery.

The upside to it is that if you get to the 6 month mark and beyond, applying a 12 step program, you start to feel alive again and genuinely glad to be alive - so there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the headlight of the oncoming train.

I still get episodes of intense vulnerability at times (esp when tired) and can feel emotionally volatile but I now have much more in the way of coping skills and you will too if you hang in there and reach out to others in recovery. Remember addiction is a disease of isolation and denial and the antidote is to acknowledge our powerlessness over drugs / people / places / circumstances and reach out to others who are actively working a program of recovery.

Take care, all of you.

[chloe06]

morning...looks like blue is away this weekend, must be at home so not online...hope he is ok! I am on day 13, went to bed a little earlier, still hate it. Been dreaming alot and woke early again, still sweating and diarehoa again this morning. Its fathers day here today and my husband wants to go to the beach...I am going to try really hard to do that because he has given me so much support. I do still fee llike crap but I know that I cant go back so I guess the only way is forward. I get this feeling of realy heaviness in the back of my head/neck and feel like I just want to rest my head down...I still feel like I am drugged at times even though I am not its a very strange feeling...feeling heavy and tried all the time. anyone else experience this? btw 6nights of no valium.

[windysan]

DREAMING IS GOOD. That means you are getting some good sleep. I started getting better when I started dreaming at night. It started with blood-soaked gory nightmares...horrific stuff. Later the dreams when mega-psychedelic and I enjoyed them very much.

This is a very good sign.

Remember to try and not take naps. Try to go to bed at the same time every night.

Looks like you are getting better.

Try to get some exercise. Sweat combined with lots of fluids is very good for you.

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Hey Blueline,

How's it going?

There are a lot of others on this forum (myself included) that found themselves here as a consequence of taking pain meds for chronic or intractible pain.

Chronic pain is very debilitiating. It can cause depression and cast a gray cloud over the enjoyment of life. Responsible MDs recognize this and prescribe addictive pain meds not to make us eternal patients and hopeless addicts, but to ease immediate suffering. For many patients, the prospect of dependence is real, but often it is the lesser of two evils.

Because the brain and body builds a tolerance to opiates, increasing doses are often needed to achieve the same degree of relief, which can lead to the spiral of addiction. It's not helpful to try to assign blame to the physician or the patient in these situations. Pain is the root of the problem.

I have a good friend, former employee and one-time heroin addict (while serving in the US Army) who was sober for many years until he experienced severe diabetic neuropathy and constant pain in his extremities. He went to a pain clinic where he received a regimen of methadone and Percocet for breakthrough pain. Heavy meds indeed!

He doesn't seem to get a kick out of his meds but they do give him a respite from awful pain and make life bearable.

He'd be the first to admit that his prescriptions extract a toll in terms of emotional range, sleeplessness, etc. but again it is the lesser of 2 evils for him.

For years I had painful systemic inflammmation (chiefly tendonitis) and empathize with others who suffer chronically (yourself included). At one point I couldn't straighten out two or three fingers and was contemplating hand surgery. Stress to my body from innocuous activities (e.g. vigorous swimming) would inflame various parts for months on end.

My regular personal physician, who I respect and thought was bright and competent missed the signs and symptoms that pointed to the cause of my problems, as did other doctors. He precribed my pain meds and had no problem refilling them. I kept my use within the bounds of the prescriptions but also used them on days that the pain was otherwise bearable.

Why? Well, truth be known I did get a buzz even from the relatively small doses I was taking (e.g. 15 mg HC/day) and at the same time consciously or unconsciously wanted to avoid the psychic pain of detox. I continued to take the meds after the pain was gone. Does this demonstrate a lack of willpower or a torn moral fiber? Perhaps . . . .

I think this is a personal weakness, but I haven't relegated myself to hell for this shortcoming. It has made me more aware of my limitations, and I've tried to turn that into something positive as I strive to grow psychically & spiritually.

Some MDs argue that opiates really don't decrease the level of pain, they just make you feel good and care less about it. There is some truth to that. One bad side effect is that the opiates not only dull your reaction to pain, but also to pleasure and emotion. This troubled me because my "inner" life and experience is important to me (call me self-absorbed? Ya think?! :-)

Luckily, I received advice from an endocrinologist (who I otherwise felt was bizarre and eccentric) to stop eating wheat. Voila! My symptoms disappeared, along with the pain. Fortunately, what was chronic was not intracable. There is a good chance I have some degree of celiac disease, which can cause this problem. I'll know after I have a colonoscopy later this week. Go figure!

After the pain was gone I was able to deal with the dependence. I've just completed 8 months HC free.

In your case, you may still have the underlying physical pain after withdrawing from the meds. The WD causes severe psychic pain, which thankfully is temporary. Some people experience protracted discomfort from WDs, called PAWs. I did for a few months but feel "normal" now.

With the benefit of workman's comp, it would be good to check out any number of pain clinics. Many of them use and recommend treatments that don't employ opiates, such as alternative meds (e.g. anti-inflammatories), biofeedback, meditation, etc. Probably the best results will be achieved if you can incorporate as many of the alternative modalities as possible.

As an aside, I have chronic tinnitus probably from working on the GMAD assembly line while in college. The audiologist also correctly pointed out the shoulder that I use to rest a shotgun . . . .

Sometimes the racket was unbearable. But I seem to have been able to adjust the threshold of discomfort. I always have it, but it bothers me a lot less and no longer interferes with my enjoyment of life.

I think you can do the same thing, to some extent, with your pain threshold level through hypnosis and biofeedback. I'm not suggesting that you opt for every flaky treatment but I do believe there are answers out there that can help to mitigate your suffering.

If the propect of surgery can help, it is certainly worth evaluating. Be aware that there are a few stars in the medical field in this area, and you have to locate and discern who can benefit you.

Good luck with your WD and pain management issues.

Buzz

[chloe06]

Morning everyone...day14 and have to say I had a bad night, almost cried for the first time last night at bedtime, I cant cry because it sets of a migraine and I have nothing I can take for it. Hardly got any sleep....I dont want to go to sleep because I dont want to wake up and feel like crap and then go through another day. I want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over, normal feelings I guess.
I managed to go out for a few hours yesterday but it was hard work as was eating but i literally forced myself to so that hopefully I could see some improvement.

I just wanted to talk a little about my addiction and why this has happened to me again and it all links back to pain, I was ill in January this year with a virus that affected all of my joints so was in alot of pain, also having weird neurological symptoms like numbness, loss of bladder control, palpitations and fatigue...I saw many drs who diagnosed chronich fatigue after everything else was ruled out...I began to feel slightly better in about June but I was left with feeling like I just wanted to puke, I was on amitripline and when I stopped that all neuro symptoms went as well as tachycardia...that is when the depression hit again and I started really abusing the meds I was on. On the occassions this has happened before I have suffered with other chronic illness that gave me genuine pain and pain is so debilitating that it def for me causes my depression.
I keep telling myself that I am still in withdrawal and that is why I feel so crap but underlying that is a strong fear that I will never recover that this is it, maybe because I have been so unwell for so long that I dont believe I can be well again. The goosebumps tell me something is pyhsically going on and I am trying so hard to be optimistic that it is just withdrawal but it is hard...I just do not cope with being ill I really dont...I am feeling very low again today.

[mackie]

Buzz..........

absolutely love to read your posts..............always something bright and useful in them!

Just a quick comment to you...............you mentioned you are having a colonscopy to rule out (or rule in) celiac sprue. If they haven't informed you, usually they medicate you with Versed and Demerol or Morphine prior to the procedure. The Versed is a sedative/hypnotic/anesthetic, which you probably can't avoid using; however, the other two are narcotics and something to steer clear of. (IMHO, they are the evil, second cousins to HC!! lolol)

Would hate to see your 8 hard months of sobriety go down the tube. Demerol and Morphine are 'gateway' drugs for me............I'm back on oral painkillers in no time flat! Don't want that happenin' to you!

Good luck!

[Buzz Kilowatt]

Mackie,

Thanks for your kind words and admonishment.

I share your concerns, and I asked others about it on this NG a while ago. A couple of former addicts reassured me that I could endure very short exposure to opiates administered for bona-fide medical reasons and not suffer WDs or a relapse. I was worried about both possibilities.

I had this procedure done once before (I call it "an odessey to my ileum") and I'm willing to take the risks of the anesthesia (which is short-term) vs. being conscious.

I doubt my physician would prescribe painkillers long-term, and I don't have the desire or resources to order them via mail or run the streets looking for some, etc.

I see it as a test of sorts that I am determined not to fail. We shall see . . . have I learned anything from addiction and withdrawal or not? I damn sure don't want to go through all that again.

I'll stay tuned.

Buzz