Zephyr88

Ya I had tried to skip days back In March and it didn't work bc I wasn't ready to mentally. I get the RLS really bad too the only thing that helps is going to shoot hoops at the gym for 1-2 hours (I'm terrible), I play adult ice hockey too but that's only 2x a week bc $$$, and I do the calf machine. I've found even doing that calf up/down motion at home/anything that makes my legs sore helps a ton. I usually run too when weather is good but Texas Summer's make running miserable! I skipped 3 days successfully so now will keep trying- keep me posted sir!

LivingStronger

Thanks for the tips for RLS...I may try some calf raises tonight! Incedentally, it was the ironman Texas that I did in May, 2014, just above Houston in the Woodlands. It was pretty hot and ended up getting dehydrated about 60 miles into the bike and never fully recovered. Ended up dropping out halfway through the run. I've about decided that I want to give it another shot in a couple years.

Day 10--against my protests, I got up around 5 this morning and went bike riding with a couple friends I used to train with. We did about 10 miles and I felt pretty good. I got about 4-5 hours sleep last night and a couple this afternoon after church. Feeling pretty drained right now but I guess it's to be expected
Getting ready to head to evening services....

LivingStronger

I got a pretty good nights rest last night although I remember waking several times. I got up at 6 to help get kids ready and off to school. Feeling tired but much better than I was this time last week. My mental state is somewhat better as well, but I still have bouts of becoming emotional over things I wouldn't otherwise get emotional over. I have brief glimpses of my old drive and determination so I hope that is on the mend. I am still anxious for the day when I open my eyes and am eager to get out of bed. I'm definitely not there yet.

Another WD symptom I've had is sneezing. Usually in spurts of 3, but occasionally I've sneezed 4 times or more in a row. I've had the runny nose and watery eyes with previous opiate detoxes, but I can't remember any unusual sneezing patterns. I wonder if this is unique to buprenorphine??

Marcus

Good to hear things are heading in the right direction. Nope sneezing is not unique to bupe. Watery eyes, sneezing, and yawning were always part of any opiate detox for me. Feeling extra emotional and bouts of depression were as well.

11 days is great and things will only continue to improve. I always find trying to get myself into a good thought pattern to start the day is a huge help for me. Reading the 24-hour a day book or Daily Reflections or some other daily devotional type reading and a little quiet time helps. You sound like a religious person so I am sure you have plenty of readings at your disposal. The Life Recovery Bible is a big help to many and has a great index to point to readings based on how you are feeling.

Try to accept where you are at. Getting stuck in the past is a bad place to be. Realize your thinking is going to be irrational at times and don't get caught up in it or let it drag you down. Projecting about the future - another dangerous thing. Try to stay in today and do the next right thing as they say.

The Sanskrit Proverb was always a good morning reminder for me.

Look to this day,

For it is life,

The very life of life,

In its brief course lies all

The realities and verities of existence,

The bliss of growth,

The splendor of action,

The glory of power.

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision.

But today well lived,

Makes every yesterday

A dream of happiness

And every tomorrow

A vision of hope.

Look well, therefore,

To this day.

Zephyr88

Ya I definately have experienced some lack of motivation/excuses about new job etc but in reality I should be happy about it. Funny you mentioned sneezing I sneeze all the time usually 2x quick now and definately not sick at all so it's probably the subs. Day 2 and 3 of my gaps actually feel better than day 1 which I think is weird. Kinda makes me just wanna jump now and be done but I will stick to 3 day gaps between for a couple weeks- hopeful of the motivation etc coming back like you said!

LivingStronger

Wow, these days just keep clicking off but for some reason it feels like I'm treading water sometimes. As I reflect back, i know the first 2 or three days were the hardest physically, and to some extent mentally, but during that period my resolve was strong and hope was high. As the days linger on and I get to feeling somewhat better--but not fully "there" yet--is when the mental gymnastics start.

Thanks Marcus for the encouragement! I really need that right now. I go back to my sub dr tomorrow and I'm planning on it being my farewell visit, but if I have a weak moment, I'm liable to let him talk me into getting back on them. I definitely don't want that.

Zeph, I'm amazed at your strength and willpower to stick to your taper! No doubt you will do this!! Keep to your plan bud. We are in this together!

LivingStronger

I've spent some time reflecting on my past relapses, how I ended up going back out after getting out of the clutches of the pain pills and clear of pretty much all physical and mental withdrawals. Which is why I am both looking forward to, and dreading, feeling completely better.

Now granted, I've never been as involved in recovery as I am now. I don't go to many meetings, but I've started a recovery group with our church, and I am deeply involved in both that in particular, and church in general. I have "commitments", I follow the lead of and take direction from others, I have numerous friends who have been where I've been that I confide in and who help me in more ways than I can say, I try to demonstrate love and tolerance far beyond anything I had ever been willing or able to show before. But I am afraid that is not enough.

You see, during the last 12 days of my suboxone detox, I have had moments when I felt that "old me" surfacing, the cocky, proud, self-seeking me that I somehow always end up returning to. I am deathly afraid of that guy, although he has, undoubtedly, had the most fun of any personality that I've had. That's because that guy doesn't give two ***** about anyone--including the me who is suffering right this very second. When it comes to my addiction/alcoholism, there is a dichotomy of personalities.

When I was drinking, it was the night/day-before version of me that insisted on drinking way more than was wise or healthy, stay out till 3 or 4 a.m., and then leave it to the day-after me to deal with the consequences. The night-before me didn't give a rat's ass about the fact that I had to be at work, or help coach my son's baseball practice the next day, or attend my daughter's dance recital.

It's the same way with drugs, only played out over a longer time frame. The partying-and-getting-high me doesn't care about the withdrawals that the trying-to-quit-for-good me ends up dealing with. What is more, that partying me usually surfaces long before any drugs enter my system. That's the scary part, I often turn into that extremely self-centered guy naturally, and get to the point where I don't care about hurting anyone, including myself. As mentioned, I've caught glimpses of that guy over the last couple weeks, and as much as I want to feel that good, I don't want that natural "high" to sabotage my sobriety. I don't know what to do to prevent that other than to continue to be involved in everything I've got going on right now.

Marcus

I have had similar experiences. I guess I don't consider it "the old me" as much anymore as it is just me. Yes the pounding Jameson, doing coke, and taking enough opiates to kill an elephant is thankfully not part of it, but the thinking is there and probably always will be. The desire to go balls to the wall bat sh*t crazy at times. Just because I removed the substances doesn't mean I am a completely different person. I don't relate to the people who say they had to change everything but their name type of recovery business. Even in active addiction I wasn't completely worthless. I had a personality in there and many things have changed, but many things are still the same and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I have just learned to deal with it better and it took a LONG LONG TIME. I recognize my strengths and my weaknesses today. I am able to put some distance between my thoughts and feelings and my actions. I am a stronger person today and a bad day or stiff breeze for that matter doesn't send me back to using / escaping. That is what recovery is about for me today - it is just about dealing with life (and that crazy guy in my head). I don't go to meetings because I am scared I am going to drink or get high - I go to feel better. Same goes for a lot of other things too.

You are right where you should be. Don't let your mind talk you out of it. If drugs and alcohol didn't exist how would you deal with life? What things would you do that would truly build up your self worth and contentment? It takes work and commitment, but is so worth it. Feeling truly free and able to accept life. Wanting what you have not having what you want.

Anyway not trying to preach to you. A lot of answers don't come right away, but trust me if you keep moving forward and doing the right things they will come.

LivingStronger

That's exactly it . . . the desire to go bat sh*t crazy at times. Sure, I don't like to feel bad, and I've taken substances to pick myself up a few times, but the far more dangerous situation for me is when I am riding a natural high and harboring the desire to paint the town red, or go bat sh*t crazy, as you so eloquently described! The greater aspect of my disease, the obsession of the mind, the belief in the illusion that I can drink or use without consequence, or without regard to consequence, is astonishing.

Thank you Marcus! You seem to have swam the same water that I am now in, and it is encouraging to see that it is manageable, that I can thrive and take advantage of my natural highs without totally self-destructing.

Marcus

Yes I have swam and practically drowned in that water numerous times. I didn't mean for it to sound like it doesn't get better - like it is just something I have to live with. It has gotten better and when it isn't better it is easier to deal with because I have healthy tools that I know how to use. My insanity is quite manageable today!

LivingStronger

I thought I posted an update this morning from my phone but I must have hit the wrong button or something . . .

I felt much better upon awakening this morning. I got about as good a night's rest as I've had since I started this journey almost two weeks ago. I'm still having a little RLS but it is not to worrisome at this point. I am also nowhere full strength, but much stronger than I was at this time last week.

My back and hips have been hurting more noticeably today. I assume it is a combination of not having the suboxone in my system and beginning to exercise again. My mental state is o.k. other than just feeling "flat" right now.

I ended up not going to my sub doctor appointment today due to a mix-up in scheduling (on their part). The doctor offered to call me in a 30-day script to get me by until we could reschedule, and I have to admit, I paused for a split second before turning it down and confessing that I had stopped taking my subs and was planning on this being my last appointment. But I did it. Small victory, but i'll take it right now. I don't plan on rescheduling the appointment so I suppose that will have to suffice as my notice that I don't need his services any more.

Zephyr, hope you are still doing good with your taper!

Zephyr88

Good to hear you declined the visit dude I feel like sub docs don't know **** about what they are really putting people on etc dose wise.

Took my tiny piece today and then will again on Sunday. I have to be w my boss mid next week so not sure if I will try and be done Sunday or take again next thurs and then jump. I have felt fine as said on days 2/3 as long as I exercise so I think I can do it! Definately good to read and hear all your stuff keep it up!

LivingStronger

Almost two weeks down! Whoo Hoo! Let me start off by saying two things: I don't feel as good as I thought I would at this point, but I sure feel soooo much better than I did during the first week. This CAN be done. It is manageable. I know I have a long way to go, and that is as encouraging as it is anything else, for I know I will only continue to feel better and better.

I had another period of feeling like myself again last night. I picked up my guitar and actually started learning new stuff. I've not done that in quite awhile (other than songs I've "had" to learn, songs that I was asked to play). I sat down and learned "Everlong" by Foo Fighters. That song holds a special meaning for me.

I was out jogging one day a couple years ago, training for some upcoming triathlon or road race. As usual, I had my phone with headphones on listening to some random Pandora music. I believe that was one of the numerous times in my life over the past five years that i'd tried to kick my opiate addiction. As I was trudging along, Everlong came on, and it gave me so much motivation and hope. I had a moment of clarity, and for the first time in quite a while, as I recall, I felt like everything was going to be o.k.

"Gotta promise not to stop when I say "when" . . . those lyrics were the exclamation point on how I was feeling, I had to not stop even though every bone in my body was screaming "when", and had been for no telling how many days. I finished that training session and i'm sure I had gotten through the worst of withdrawals before I did as I usually do, and relapsed. I don't know how long after hearing the song that day I relapsed, but I do recall generally that I had pretty much gotten back to "normal", yet again, only to take back control of my life and run the train back off the tracks.

So, here's to the Foo Fighters, I do indeed promise not to stop when my mind or body says "when!"

I'm almost in tears right now as I recall those emotions, so raw, so powerful. But good tears. I feel empowered. I will do this.

LivingStronger

Well, what can I say? Starting on week 3! Not much different to report from how things were yesterday. I'm still a little tired waking up, still a little down mentally, but I'm so much better than where I was at in days 2 through 7 or 8. TGIF everyone!

LivingStronger

Today, 8/13/16, is the two-year anniversary of me going into detox and subsequent in-patient rehab. I spent 5 days in a hospital detox and then 30 days in rehab. I should be celebrating two years sober today, but over a year off booze, pain pills (and everything else I did last summer), and 16 days off subs is not too shabby.

In the spirit of my two-year anniversary, I thought i'd share a part of a book I am writing. It is part of the introduction.

8/13/14

"I am writing this to document how close I feel that I came to the END. Yes, that “END”–THE END. I was in a place of such utter hopelessness, despair and anxiety that I knew I would end up taking my own life if I did not get some help. No thoughts of my precious kids could change the fate I had decided for myself. My wife’s beautiful pain-filled eyes were no match for the pain I was in. I had decided that I could not take another 24 hours in my own skin. I had even come to some sort of peace with that conclusion. Even the pain of knowing how much I would hurt my family could not touch the pain I had inflicted upon myself.
I write these words here so that I will never forget how close I came and how much I have to lose!!! I am one pill–one drink–away from taking my kid’s father away from them. I realize that now more surely than I have ever realized anything in my life. I don’t EVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE!

I know I’m not free yet–I have a lot of work to do. But I want the feeling I had on this day to not be lost–I want to remember–to serve as a reminder of what hell awaits me.

I love my wife and children more than anything else in the world!!!"

I wrote those words on August 13, 2014, the day I entered the chemical dependency unit at South Central Regional Medical Center in Laurel, Mississippi. The original words were hand-written on a piece of wide-ruled notebook paper not long after a doctor had taken pity on me and prescribed me a few Klonopin, just enough to take the edge off my symptoms until I could check into the detox unit. I was in the midst of benzodiazepine withdrawals, the first I had ever experienced, though I had gone through opiate withdrawals many times. I had, unbeknownst to me, crossed over an invisible line in my abuse of prescription Xanax and Klonopin, two benzodiazepines that are used to treat anxiety. There were no warning signs that I was approaching the line, no indication that I was about to subject myself to hell on Earth. After only three or four months of abusing my prescriptions for these two powerful drugs, in addition to my usual cocktail of opiates and alcohol, my mind and body became dependent on them to the point that I could not stop taking them without suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. And when I say “severe,” I mean symptoms so physically and psychologically painful that, as those words recited above indicate, I thought that I was either going to die from the withdrawals or I was going to take my own life to escape the pain. My gut was constantly wrenched with anxiety that stuck in the pit of my stomach like a gallon of hot, sour milk. My mind wandered in a hundred different directions at once, and I was deathly afraid of them all. The smallest obstacle seemed insurmountable and the thought of dealing with it would send me into a state of panic. I was, for lack of a better description, afraid of my own shadow. My struggle was made even more precarious by a high-profile suicide that happened at the same time that my benzo withdrawals began.

In a cruel twist of fate, actor Robin Williams had committed suicide two days before I entered the SCRMC detox unit–August 11, 2014–which also just happened to be the day when my benzo withdrawals began. As most of the world knew, Robin Williams had battled addiction for much of his adult life and his was one of the happy-ever-after endings that we all long and root for. But the happy ending turned tragic, and Robin’s demons got the best of him, or so it seemed at the time. As my psychological torture intensified, his defeat became mine. The worse my symptoms got, the more I became fixated on Robin’s suicide and on the idea of killing myself. After all, if one of the world’s funniest and seemingly happiest celebrities, someone who made millions of people smile and laugh each year, a person who from all appearances had everything he could possibly want, had come to the conclusion that he would rather die than face another minute of pain, what chance did I have? I was absolutely hopeless. Absolutely hopeless and in utter despair.

My condition rapidly deteriorating, I came completely clean with my wife and, because of her, I am alive to write these words today. She got me the help I needed when I needed it, chauffeuring me from home to the doctor, back home, to the office to tie up some loose ends, and ultimately to the detox facility, all the while preparing as best she could for my inevitable absence from her, the kids, and my business. She even gave me a small, round key chain ornament that had two adult figures, four kid figures, a dog figure, and “The Smiths” engraved on it. I had no idea when or where she had gotten that ornament, but it didn’t leave my hand for two days and whenever I felt I was getting close to the edge, I would open my hand, look at it and rub it over and over to remind myself of everyone who was counting on me to pull through. That ornament was yet another lifeline that I had because of her. Had she not taken me to the doctor, had she not given me that Smith family ornament, or if she had said “forget you, you brought this on yourself, you deal with it yourself,” it is quite likely that I would have taken the same way out that Robin Williams had chosen for himself. And believe you me, she had every reason to write me off then and there. Every reason. That she did not speaks of not only of her love for me, but of her love for our children, as she undoubtedly knew how much my death would have impacted them.

Unfortunately I would face that demoralizing urge to end my life several more times before I finally found true recovery and completely accepted the grace of Jesus Christ. As William G. Wilson wrote in the Big Book of Alcoholic’s Anonymous, "We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago." That certainly proved true for me on more than one occasion. “It wasn’t that bad,” or “I made it through it before, I can do it again,” were common thoughts that I used to justify going “back out.” It is insanity, absolute insanity the lengths that we will go to, the mental gymnastics that we will employ, the selective amnesia that often precedes a relapse. How could I go from wishing for death on August 13, 2014, to leaving my family in June, 2015 to drink, drug, gamble, and cheat? And, perhaps, more importantly, what is different now? Why do I feel more confident about my moral footing? Two words: Jesus Christ. The most important aspect of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, or any 12-Step program, for that matter. That power much, much greater than myself.

LivingStronger

Not much to report other than i'm still not sleeping regularly. My strength has returned to near normal, other than fatigue caused by lack of sleep. Not really motivated to say much right now. It's been raining a lot here lately and my mood has taken on the same tone. Just one of those "blah" Monday mornings. I know that things will only continue to get better, though. Especially when my sleep patter returns to normal. Oh, and I need to get back on a regular exercise routine. I've gained a lot of weight over the past year and it is causing a lot of negative self-image, issues with clothes not fitting, and just plain feeling bad because of poor eating habits and lack of exercise.

My posting will likely become more sporadic now that I feel the worst of it is over. Hopefully I can find time to read and contribute to others' threads here and in the other forums, as well. In fact, I think that is probably a good idea. The more I can get "out of my own head" and focus on others, the bettere off I will be.

Good luck to anyone trying to get off Suboxone (or any other drug, for that matter). This thing of ours (to steal a phrase from Sopranos, an absolutely brilliant show, by the way) is a powerful foe. It knows our strengths, and our weaknesses. It is relentless. So we have to be, as well.

I hope things are still on track for you, Zephyr. Just knowing that you have been going through similar circumstances at about the same time as me, has given me strength and hope.

Marcus, thank you for your words of encouragement! I hope to see you around in other threads, brother!

Zephyr88

Ya feeling the same here man rainy and today is day 1 of 3 off between doses. Have a crappy work week ahead but gonna try and maybe jump and just be done depending how i feel day 4. Crazy you say that about gaining weight my entire closet is large shirts and I don't fit in any and am constantly making jokes about myself needing XL now but in reality trying to lose it back too. And funny about sopranos/ I've seen every episode probably 5x and can almost recite them. Loved that series. So ya good stuff dude we will see how it goes! God bless

LivingStronger

Day 25 in the books. I'm still feeling some minor lethargy and lack of motivation, with brief periods of feeling good, even great at times. My sleep issues have just about resolved.

Overall I'm pleased with my progress despite feeling, at times, frustrated that I'm still having to push really hard to keep moving forward. I'm still not really interested in socializing most of the time. I feel really bad that I'm not more active with my kids, like I used to be. I used to constantly wrestle, run, bike, swim, throw balls, etc with them, but now I come home from work and I just feel like lying on the couch and watching tv. I've forced myself to exercise but I need to get into a more regular routine. Hopefully the "feel good" moments will continue to get longer and closer together.

Zephyr88

Good to hear bud. Today is day 9 off completely for me after doing my taper. Felt good/normal up until day 7 and yesterfsy and today have probably been the worst. Hoping to push through. Kinda pot committed at this point

LivingStronger

Zephyr...glad to hear you are hanging in there! I know how discouraging it can be when you wake up everyday hoping to feel better but don't. But you know it won't last. You know you will wake up one fine morning and the air will be crisp, the morning sun a welcome sight, and you will find yourself humming or singing in the shower. I am starting to have those moments more and more...even some mornings now!

In fact, this afternoon I swam pretty hard for about 25 minutes and then jogged/walked for another 25! And I've spent the last hour lying in bed listening to all sorts of music. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've had a great day like this, where I've felt like exercising, or even had any interest in music. It gets so much better my friend! And it will happen sooner than you think.

I'm just thankful for a good day. Hoping tomorrow will be even better!